I could barely look at her, knowing the next words out of my mouth were going to be hard for both of us to swallow.
“I would love to be your mate, Zira, seriously but…I…I…already have one.”
“What!”
I could immediately feel a pull on my heart. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I couldn’t prolong it for the sake of making it even worse later one.
Zira was looking at me with a shocked expression before quickly recovering to a blank expression. We stared at each other for a few more minutes and I could see she was having a conversation with her wolf.
Just great, James. Why not just rip her heart from her chest while you’re at it, Deacon growled.
Deacon-
He quickly shut me out. We'd been having this argument for the past week when I brought it to his attention that we would have to reject them. It’s not like I wanted to hurt her, but she needs to know the truth.
When she came back, she looked at me confused, then walked to the bathroom. I had the urge to follow her but I stayed put. I didn’t think it would be wise to follow any she-wolf after what I just said.
“This makes no sense,” she yelled, walking back into the room. “Nina said this,” she said, pointing to my mark on her neck, "would be impossible if you had a mate. So help me understand.”
I didn’t want to repeat this story. I felt like every time I did, it started to sound silly but she wanted an explanation and this was the one I chose to believe. I could feel Zira’s anger and I prayed that this would help dissipate it.
“Okay. My mate, Maria, died about two years ago at the hands of a witch. She was also pregnant with my son but no one knew until after she died. I was going to follow the same fate until the Goddess came to me. She told me there was someone who still needed me here. Enter you, I believe. She told me if I helped this person, then I would get what I truly desired, which was my family.”
I took a breath and waited for her to comprehend what she had just heard. “I’m really sorry, Zira. If there was another way to save you, I would have done that. At the moment, marking you was the best choice. I just…I just don’t want to get your hopes up if the Goddess does reward me.”
Zira got up and paced around the room. I could tell she was trying to grasp everything I was saying. Every once and a while she would turn as if to say something, then continue the pace.
“So let me get straight. You saved me because the Goddess told you to and in return she would give you what you desired, which is Maria and your son, right?” I nodded and she kept going. “But she also made me your second chance mate, who also coincidentally have a son, when she’s supposedly bringing back your first mate. Is that right?”
I started to say yes but stopped myself. She was bringing up a good point. Why would the Goddess make her my mate if she was going to bring back Maria? I hadn’t thought about that until now. This should’ve been impossible but here we are. None of this was making sense now. Zira started to laugh and broke me from my thoughts.
“This is just great. Either our Goddess has a very weird, dark sense of humor or I had done something in my previous life to deserve this much crap. I…I…just can't.”
Her laughter quickly turned into a sob and her emotions exploded within our bond. Shit. I was f.ucking this up. I walked towards her, hoping to calm her down with my touch, but she pushed my hands away.
“Don’t you f.ucking touch me,” she yelled, causing Arias to wake up and start crying. “F.uck!”
Zira picked up Arias and started to slowly rock him. I wanted to help but stood in place. I didn’t want to anger her even more, but the urge to touch her was prevalent.
“What is going on here?” Trixie was standing with Alpha Fiona next to her.
They looked between Zira and me. Trixie was confused but Alpha Fiona understood the situation. She was the one I spoke to about this. Though she disagreed, she understood it was my choice. I looked at Zira, who was trying to get Arias under control.
“Get out.”
I thought I heard her say it but it was too soft to hear. She turned to look at me with tears running down her face. Her eyes were yellow now and I knew her wolf on the surface.
“I said, get…out!”
I took a step back. This was the first time I felt this much anger directed towards me. Even when she told her story about everything that happened to her, she was able to control her anger. So this was new and my heart felt like it was breaking.
“James.” Alpha Fiona grabbed my arm as I stared at Zira.
She kept rocking Arias, who had quieted down a bit, but her eyes were stuck on mine. When I didn’t move, Zira started to growl softly enough for me to get the idea and not rile up Arias. Alpha Fiona pulled me out the door while Trixie confronted Zira. That’s when I started to get irritated.
Of course you are. That should be us consoling our mate, numb nuts.
Shut up I snapped at him.
Maybe she just needed a day or two to get over this. Some space might help both of us.
“Let’s go for a run,” Alpha Fioan suggested while walking out of the pack’s hospital.
I nodded and blindly followed her into the woods. Deacon liked the idea of running off his frustration. We both shifted and took the route that led to a little forest alcove some miles away from the pack. It’s the place I come to think. The place where Alpha Fiona found me those years ago.
I shifted and climbed one of my favorite trees. There was something peaceful about lying in a tree. Alpha Fiona took position near the base of the tree. Probably waiting for me to start. Well, it’s going to be a while. We stood like this for a minute before hearing her sigh down below.
“I don’t have all day, James. I have a pack of babies to run.”
I sighed and turned to see Alpha Fiona looking at me. “I was trying to make sure she didn’t expect anything more from me.”
“Right? So you decide to crush her heart on the day she wakes up after almost dying from giving birth. Classic, dude.”
I mentally and physically slapped myself in the face for forgetting that small detail. She was right. Zira, literally, just woke up to a rejection. If I was her, I would want to kill me right now.
There are times I don’t question why I was paired with you Deacon stated. This is not one of those times.
“What do I do? How can I fix this?” I jumped down and pleaded for her help. She pushed me away.
“How the hell should I know? I don’t make it my mission to hurt people,” she said sarcastically.
“Great, just bust my balls, why don’t you?”
Alpha Fiona laughed. “I think Zira’s got that covered.”
I gave up and fell to the ground. I’m at the end of my rope. This was more complicated than I thought.
Then uncomplicate it and get our mate back Deacon growled.
It’s not that simple. You know we can’t be with her. What about Maria?
She is dead, James, and we have to come to terms that our mates aren’t coming back.
Even now, those words hit me like a ton of bricks. It seems no matter what I do I couldn't let go. Even though I knew Maria wasn’t coming back, something inside me hoped we would see her again.
“Maybe and just hear me out,” Alpha Fiona started, “Maybe this is what you need. Have you thought about that?”
I’ve been praying to the Goddess for guidance and got nothing for the past week. None of my options sounded preferable. What if I did decide to stay with Zira and Maria came back in some way? How will I be able to leave one for another?
Then again, the Goddess never promised to bring back Maria. So I might lose my shot at having a second chance mate. How could the Goddess do this to me? Setup me with someone I could never be with and yet, here she is, a perfect match for me.
“I’m an idiot,” I said, more to myself, with Deacon agreeing in my mind.
Alpha Fiona started laughing. “Wow. You came to that conclusion faster than I thought. I was just going to put you in a headlock til you pass and take you back.”
I sat up and glared at her, though her headlock option sounded way better at this point. Alpha Fiona helped me off the ground and gave me a sharp pat on the back.
“You know what you’re going to do?”
I nodded, but honestly I didn’t know what I was going to do. Everything pointed to accepting Zira as my mate, but there was some hesitation still present. It wasn’t just the deal I had with the Goddess, but something more. That's when it hit me.
Maybe I didn't have to choose right at this moment and I might’ve found a way to buy myself some time. This excuse is still shitty, but it will work. Hopefully, Zira will see it this way.
“Let’s go,” I said with a newfound attitude. “I know what to say.”
Alpha Fiona looked at me, curiously, then shook her head. “I hope you have protection for your balls,” she said, shifting and heading back to the hospital with me slowly following behind.
The moment we got close, I could smell her scent as if she was standing next to me. It was intoxicating. We shifted and Alpha Fiona had someone bring us clothes. We made it back to her room, only to find it completely empty. My heart stopped and for a moment I stopped breathing.
She...she left?