Athena
Hearing the sound of my voice, he froze in place, his movements suspended in time.
Neither he nor I made a single motion, locked in an eerie tableau of vulnerability.
The belt remained clutched tightly in his hand, a lingering symbol of his self-inflicted agony. To me, It seemed as if he staggered on the ridge of a decision, torn between turning towards me and stepping aside the instrument of pain, or retreating into the solace of avoidance. I couldn't help but sense a profound vulnerability in him, as if he lacked the strength to confront me directly.
If only he knew how much it hurt to see him like this.
Knowing that he was a great distance away from mustering the strength to face me, I steeled myself and closed the gap between us. Gathering every ounce of courage I possessed, I positioned myself directly before him, refusing to wait for him to turn back. Yet, his gaze remained averted, his head bowed low, fixated on the shadow cast by my form. A solitary teardrop traced a path down his cheek, splashing onto the floor, as he resigned his grip on the belt, its descent accompanied by the faintest of clinks.
At that moment, I realised that the hardest battle I had to wage was not against him, but within myself. I fought to maintain my composure, to remain steadfast and unbroken.
Lowering myself onto my knees, I tenderly clasped his trembling hands, feeling the subtle ebb and flow of his laboured breaths begin to subside. With a voice barely above a whisper, I entreated him, "Will you look at me?"
A flicker of hesitation danced across his face, his attempt to tilt his head towards me ultimately faltering. "I... can't," he confessed. The anguish in his voice broke me into pieces from within.
"It's okay," I murmured, gently wiping away his tears, "Everything's okay. I am here, and I won't go anywhere."
He nodded, inhaling deeply as he struggled to stifle the sobs that threatened to rupture from within him.
"Would a hug help?" I asked, my voice trembling, finding it difficult to hold back my tears.
"You shouldn't," he protested, his words saturated with self-loathing that had deeply entrenched itself within his being and made us stand here, "I am the culprit here."
"Do you want a hug or not?" I interjected firmly, refusing to allow our conversation to spiral down that familiar path.
"I have done terrible things to you, caused you pain, stripped away your innocence. Like a monster, I dragged you through hell, and—" he began with remorse.
"I am not here to listen to you recite the past I've chosen to leave behind," I interrupted, my voice raised. "I need an answer. Do you want me close or not?!"
Silence descended upon us once more, his hesitation ensnaring him in its relentless grip. I refused to waste another moment that would grant him a reprieve, a chance to burden himself with blame.
"Do you want to be with me or not, Sebastian?!"
"I do!" His eyes finally met mine, brimming with raw vulnerability. "I want you with me, Athena. I want you by my side, with every beat of my heart and with every breath I take. Without you, I am nothing. I have got no identity, no reason to live, no purpose to sustain my existence. For me, life finds its meaning... in you."
A bittersweet smile graced my lips, mingling with the tears that cascaded down my cheeks. With arms outstretched, I beckoned him toward me, "So come here. Just know that I will always be here."
This time, he embraced me, his hands encircling my waist, drawing me close until all traces of distance evaporated. He buried his head against my chest, surrendering to the release of his pent-up sobs.
Gently, I held him, mindful to avoid touching his wounds and causing him further pain.
"It's okay. Cry, let it all out," I whispered as I rested my chin atop his head, coaxing him as I continued to tenderly stroke the back of his neck.
"I am sorry, Athena," he managed to speak between his sobs, his voice breaking like that of a wounded child. "I was a monster. I subjected you to terrible things. I shattered you, all to preserve my own sense of security. I ruined you. I am sorry. So fucking sorry."
"It's okay. I have forgiven you," I murmured, "The curse that plagued you, was beyond your control. None of it was your fault. Don't burden yourself with blame."
I held him, allowing him to release the weight that gripped his chest, and burn it down to ashes.
"How can I not blame myself when it was my very hands that inflicted each of those terrible wounds upon you?" he choked out, "I could have chosen differently, but instead, I chose destruction. I don't deserve your forgiveness," he continued, his voice filled with anguish. "I am a wretched being, Athena. A fucked up twisted monster."
"No, you are not. You don't see the good in yourself, only the flaws," I spoke, softly, "But I have seen it all. I have witnessed your imperfections and your virtues. If there is anyone who has the right to pass judgement, it should be me, for I am the one who has witnessed both sides of you. I have loved you in every form, whether it was the little boy ensnared by the curse or the man who is determined to protect what is his and atone for his mistakes."
"No matter what I do, it doesn't change the truth that I am no less of a fucked up being like Elijah."
"Do not dare compare yourself to him. Not even for a moment, understood? Yes, there were times when I may have mistakenly called you his reflection in moments of anger, but I never meant it. You are an entirely different individual, Sebastian. Your father was a monster. He didn't care about your mother, but you care about me. When he left your mother wounded, I doubt he ever called for help, but you sent maids to tend to me and treated my wounds with your own hands. And most importantly, when you learned about our child, you ran to me without hesitation, ready to sacrifice your own life for us. Tell me, how can a man like that ever be a monster?"
"But I..."
I pressed my finger over his lips, silencing his next words.
"No, we are not going to discuss this further until I have tended to your wounds," I declared, withdrawing my finger from his lips. I pressed a gentle kiss upon them, conveying reassurance. "Come with me."
*****
Gently, I began disinfecting his wounds, carefully dabbing the cotton swab soaked in disinfectant against each mark. He remained silent, allowing me to tend to him in peace, not even flinching as certain deep gashes elicited a subtle wince. I made certain to cover every wound before securing the bandage in place.
"Do you feel any pain?"
"No."
"Well, that means a 'yes'," I rose from the bed and retrieved a painkiller, offering it to him alongside a glass of water.
"Here, take it."
Judging by how without any further debate, he accepted the medication, I discerned he was indeed in pain.
"You're not going anywhere tomorrow, so I suggest you cancel any of your upcoming meetings or other commitments," I advised as I arranged the pillows to ensure his comfort.
Just as I was about to walk toward the door to lock it, I felt a gentle grip on my wrist, causing me to turn back and meet his gaze.
"I want to talk," he said, his voice low and tinged with uncertainty.
"I know," I nodded, offering him a reassuring smile. "Just let me lock the door first."
Reluctantly, he released his hold on my hand, and I secured the door before returning to his side.
"I assume you won't be able to sleep on your back, so I have a plan," I climbed onto the bed and guided him to turn onto his side as well, "You see, tonight you'll sleep the way you helped me fall asleep,"
He blinked at me in surprise, clearly taken aback by the unexpected proposition. Despite his childlike demeanour at times, he still held onto the notion of traditional gender roles. So the idea flustered him.
"No," he blurted out.
"Why?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Because that's...that's a man's job," he responded, struggling to come up with a justification for his refusal. However, his reasoning seemed rather flimsy.
"If you don't do this, then we won't have our talk." I wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily.
"Athena...."
"Are you going to do this or not?"
After a moment of contemplation, he finally let out a resigned sigh and agreed, "Okay."
"Come here, then," I beckoned, positioning myself on the bed and patting my arm, signalling for him to join me. "Hurry!"
Hesitantly, but with a hint of eagerness, he made his way towards me and nestled his head on my arm. However, true to his impulsive nature, Sebastian pulled me closer than I had anticipated, resulting in his head halfway resting on my arm, his face buried in my neck, and his hands wrapped around my body, gently guiding me to shift onto my side.
"Are you done exercising control, Alpha?" A chuckle left my mouth.
"I was just making myself comfortable," he responded, his tone betraying a mixture of sincerity and a hint of mischief.
"So? Tell me. Are you comfortable now?"
"Yes, very much," He let out a sigh, his warm breath tickling my neck.
"That means we can talk now, but first you have to listen to me and answer my questions. Is that okay?" I asked, massaging his scalp to coax him.
"Yeah, it is."
"What you did today, how long have you been doing this?".
"Ever since you left," he admitted.
"So, for the past six months, do you realise that what you have been doing—torturing yourself and engaging in self-loathing—is all over self-doubts and things you can't change?"
"I do, but I don't think my repentance would ever be enough. That's why I inflicted pain on myself, to make up for it." His words trembled.
"Who told you to make up for it, Sebastian?" I asked, "I didn't. I don't need you to hurt yourself. It doesn't make me feel better or heal the wounds from the past. Your presence does. You being close to me does. You have no idea how broken I felt witnessing the way you found pain to be the only way to keep yourself together when I was there, promising to pick up the pieces every time you fall apart."
"You shouldn't. I am not worthy enough for you."
"That is not for you to decide," I asserted firmly, face. "I get to choose who is worthy of me and who is not, and I consider you worth the entire world. For me, you are worth it all, whether it's my life or something else."
He fell silent so I pulled away ever so slightly to look at him.
"Listen, Sebastian. Listen to me and keep it engraved in your stubborn little head," I spoke, cradling his face and pressing my forehead against his, "I am here. I am here to wipe away every doubt you have. I am here to fix you, again and again, to mend you every time a piece falls apart. I am here to let you know that I love you, and I will always love you, no matter what happens. You mean everything to me. I am yours, Sebastian, and you are mine. And I won't tolerate you or anyone else hurting what's mine, do you understand?"
"I wouldn't resort to such measures if it weren't the only thing that keeps me sane, Athena," he sighed, "There are times when I can't breathe when my lungs are set on fire and the weight of my mistakes falls heavy on me. And the only way out is through pain."
"Then allow me to help you. When it strikes at you, let me be the one who battles it," I said, "Sebastian, I want to be the person you rely on, without the need for pain. Together, let's defy the agony that haunts you. I'll be there, kissing away your sorrows. No more waking up in the dead of night, hurting yourself. Instead, wake up knowing that when the world feels like it's collapsing, you can turn to me to forge an escape. Trust me, pain is not your companion; you don't deserve such torment, no matter your mistakes. Love is what you deserve, and I'm here to offer it to you. Don't deny me this opportunity."
He stared at me, his thoughts hidden for a moment until a smile crept across his face, and he kissed me, his grip taking command, just as it always did.
As we reluctantly parted, our breaths mingling, he spoke softly, "I love you."
And so, that was his answer—A yes.
"Do I have your word that you won't hurt yourself anymore?" I asked, cautiously.
"Yes, you have my word," he chuckled, his assurance seeping into my soul.
"Alright then. It's time for you to rest, my dear," I smiled, drawing him close, savouring his scent as my fingers danced through his hair. "I love you."
"Goodnight, love," I felt him smile against my skin.
"Goodnight," I kissed the top of his forehead and with that, both of us fell into a deep slumber.