Jaheim
My plan to forget about Harmony and regain control of myself by using a submissive, failed before I even made the call. My interest in other women has vanished completely and I can’t even get hard for anything anymore.
Except thoughts of her.
I haven’t stopped thinking about Harmony since I left her, and I can only describe the last thirty days as self-inflicted torture.
The months that followed me giving up my scholarship and dreams of playing football professionally were the worst of my life. I was stuck with this disease, this condition that I had no idea how to control or get rid of, and I lacked any purpose in my life.
But the deep depression I was in then seems like a fucking holiday compared to what my current situation feels like.
This is suffering.
I’ve tried everything I can think of to forget her, to rid my memory of her, but it’s as if the more I try to forget she exists, the more strongly I feel for her.
I dread closing my eyes at night because I see her, clear as crystal, as if she were right in front of me. I can’t forget her beautiful eyes or the way her skin felt against mine when I laid between her thighs. I can’t forget her heavenly scent or the way she tasted… or how her fingers on my neck made me feel like releasing the other side of me and dominating her in ways I ain’t ever thought to do to anyone.
I’ve spent so many days unable to work, unable to do anything except hunt moose and bear to release the overwhelming anger over my situation. As fucked up as it sounds, I feel like I need her, just like I need air to breathe, but in my current state, it ain’t safe for me to even attempt to be around her.
Because when I think about hurting her in any way, whether unintentionally or as part of a fantasy, it brings me to my fucking knees.
Whenever Carisse calls me, my first thought is to ask how Harmony is, so I have to rush her off the phone so I don’t. I’m desperate to know if she’s feeling the same as I am. If she’s thinking of me how I’m thinking of her. If she’s been fucking all those niggas Carisse told me she does or if I’ve fucked up her world like she’s fucked up mine.
Obsessing over whether she’s been with other men since we met, wounds me like I can’t even describe. I don’t even know the girl, and it ain’t like I even really had my way with her. Yeah, I tasted her, and when I entered her I could’ve fallen in love right there and then, but knowing her?
She shouldn’t mean a damned thing to me.
But still, jealousy eats away at me when I think of anyone else touching her, anyone else inside her… Fury boils my blood to think of anyone hearing those sweet sounds of pleasure she makes when she’s at the brink. I want her to be mine, but because God cursed me with this fucking life, I can’t even trust myself to be in the same city as her, let alone claim her.
And even if I could stand to see her again, there’d be no future for us. Not with what I am. She’d run far, far away from me.
She could never be with a beast like me.
I spin on my chair away from my laptop, laughing bitterly. This time last month, my shit was so together. I had more pussy than I knew what to do with, and the thought of catching feelings for anyone was non-existent.
But now…
My stomach growls from hunger, so I reluctantly retrieve some of the moose meat I hunted yesterday. It’s times like these I wish I knew someone else like me. Someone who could help me understand what’s happening to me.
Most of what I’ve learned has been trial and error over the years, but even after this long, there’s still so much I don’t know. Especially when it comes to why I’m like this. Were my parents like this, too? Is that why they died? Were they even in a car accident? Was someone after them and got to them?
For all I know, they might not even be dead. After all, I never saw their bodies.
I can’t even get wasted to forget because drinking alcohol is like drinking water to me. Fucking is what I did to relax, that along with hunting, but even chasing prey is barely taking the edge off for more than a few minutes before my thoughts run straight back to long dark hair, burgundy eyes, and a scent I’d kill for.
I hear my cell ringing so make my way to the living room. I hesitate to answer, but as much as I don’t want to, I do.
“What’s up, Sis?”
She’s crying. “Jah…”
My heart races. “Carr? What’s wrong?”
“Vonyé… he’s… I was right, Jah… Him and Harmony’s cousin are together.”
Jesus… “The fuck?”
“Yeah…” She sobs for a long time and I can hear her trying to catch her breath. “I saw them at school. That nigga was all over her.”
Shit, that’s fucking low. I clench my fist, feeling angry as hell. “Carr…”
“I need you, Jah. I called Mom but she can’t get off work. I know you’re busy, but can you come? I can’t stay here, and I can’t fit all my things in the Merc. I’ll transfer to Lakehead or something, I just need…”
“Calm down, alright? Course I’ll come. I’ve got a business meeting later that I can’t get out of, but I’ll be there by morning. Pack all your things tonight.”
“I will.”
“Alright. And don’t worry about Von. He’ll pay for this shit.”