Harmony
Two and a half weeks later…
“What's wrong, Baby, Girl?”
I look up from my bowl of cereal into dad's burgundy eyes. “Nothing.”
He sighs, making me feel even more shit than I already do. I'm literally on the brink of collapse.
I ain't coping one bit.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even concentrate. When shit gets stressful in my life, like the thought of my exams next month, I fuck to chill, but right now, I can't even do that. My feelings towards Jaheim vary with every passing hour; one minute I feel for him, the next I’m angry, then hurt.
So hurt.
“You can talk to us, sweetie. You know that, right?”
I give mom a weak smile. “Yeah.” I return my eyes to my Honey Comb. My stomach has been hurting for days, but I just can't bring myself to eat. I feel so sick, too. My days are filled with soul destroying sadness, and my nights like I'm reliving a constant nightmare with no wake-up in sight. There's no escape from this perpetual darkness, and I'm beginning to lose hope of ever feeling myself again.
To be deadly honest, I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this. I just need to know an end is coming...
“Are you sure you're gonna be okay here on your own?”
I stir my cereal. “I'll be fine, Dad. Just focus on dealing with Maximus and getting home safe.”
“I can come back in the evenings,” Mom says.
I look up at her. “Honestly, Mom. Aunt Abriya needs you there. I'll be fine.”
She nods and then I see her looking over me, her dark eyes showing her sadness.
Ugh... “I'm gonna go.”
I get up to hug and kiss them goodbye. They both act like they don't wanna let me go, but I ignore it. Mom will only be ten minutes up the road. The pack is close to finding Maximus now, so while mom stays with my aunt Abriya at her house, dad will be leaving for Alaska with the others.
I’m worried for them all; this is exactly why disobedient wares fuck me the hell off.
I get to school and groan when I see Ella waiting for me at the steps. I've been avoiding her for about a week now cuz I just don't wanna talk about the hell I'm living out loud. We've text, but I haven't seen her in person, besides, she's all loved up and I can't help but hate on the fact her mate actually wants to be with her.
She gives me a look and I roll my eyes. “Just say it.” I look like a walking corpse, I know. My eyes are way too big for my head and my skin is so pale.
She pulls me to the side and just stares at me for ages. “Harmony...”
Wow, she's using my full name.
“...you're hurting.”
I sigh. “In every way.”
Her dark eyes spark with blue, shocking me a little. “You can't starve yourself. You need to eat.”
“I ain’t doing that shit on purpose.” I grind my teeth, desperately trying to hold myself together. This is exactly why I haven't faced her. I knew this shit would happen.
“Oh, Har...” She tries to pull me into a hug, but I resist.
“I'm good.”
“No, you ain't.” She reaches into her bag and then hands me a vial of blood. “Take this. It will stop the physical pain.”
I sigh. “Alright. Is it yours or your mom's?”
“Mine.” She takes a quick look around. “Take it now.”
I unscrew the lid and then drink it down. The coppery liquid coats my tongue and I eat a gum afterwards to get rid of the taste once I’ve handed her back the vial. The pain in my stomach goes away instantly, and I'm glad.
She looks defeated. “I dunno what to say...”
“There ain't nothing you can say. I just hope he's hurting worse than I am.”
“He is.”
I scoff. “I hope so. This shit is his fault.”
“I know.” She links her arm in mine and then leads us into the building. “How you feeling about uncle Quis going away?”
“Anxious. It’s just another thing adding to the stress I'm under right now.”
“Try not to worry about that. Just focus on trying to keep yourself together. I dunno how you're managing, Har, cuz I couldn't have...”
“Yeah. I definitely have more respect for your dad now. I dunno how he did that shit for twenty years.”
“Right... But you're a James and we're strong. Don't forget that.”
Right now, I feel anything but strong. “Yeah. How's Amarey?”
“Beautiful. He's really something.”
“Yeah, I wanna come see him again soon. I hope your mom don't feel no way about me not visiting again.”
“Course she don't. She just thinks you’re busy with school. Don't worry about that shit, honestly. None of that matters right now.”
We stop outside my classroom and she hugs me this time, even though I protest. Her and her damn ware strength.
“It won't be much longer, alright? It can’t be.”
I smile weakly. “If you see Aura, could you get confirmation on that?”
She smiles. “Sure.”
***
I sit in the cafeteria at lunch and roll my eyes when Carisse leaves me to go speak to Niro. She was banging on at anyone who knew Davonyé in classes, trying to get information.
She’s driving now. Jah bought her a Mercedes after she passed her test, which she can’t stop gushing about. Davonyé’s changed and almost finished his training, too, which means he’ll be leaving with the others when they go to Alaska, but he is due back at school next week.
Which should be interesting because he ain’t gonna hide that he’s with Ella.
My eyes are drawn to Ella approaching me, but I shake my head and draw her attention over to her nemesis talking to Davonyé’s boys like she’s still the Queen Bee in the group.
Her expression says it all.
“I’ll give you his new digits,” Niro says, and I’m fucking shocked at the selloutery
Wow, he’s really gonna do that? He’s meant to be Davonyé’s boy, so fuck knows why he’s trying to start trouble for him.
I look back to Ella as she sits at an empty table and eyes her lunch.
‘Girl?’ I hear Ella inside my head.
What the fuckkkkk?
‘Ariella? What the fuck?’
‘Don't be bait, alright? I should’ve told you, but I've got magic.’
I literally choke on air cuz I’m so shocked. ‘What?’
‘Yeah. Surprise, I'm an Elder.’
Oh, my, God… this shit is more than a revelation. An Elder? So that’s why she was so defensive over Aura…
‘What the fuck, Ella? And you never told me?’
‘Mom and dad swore everyone to secrecy, so don't let on that you know until I've told them that I've told you.’
That means my parents knew… ‘Fucking hell...’ I’m sure it’s so they could protect her, but I’m still offended she never told me. ‘You lucky I got my own shit goin’ on, otherwise I’d be fuckin’ fuming with you right now, bitch.’
‘I know…’
‘So does that mean you can do spells and shit?’ Does that mean she knows how Jaheim is? Is that why she seemed so sure that he’s hurting, too?
Oh, shit. She said it won’t be much longer…
‘Yeah, we’ll talk, alright?’
I glare at her. ‘We fuckin’ better.’
‘We will. I see Carisse is back?’
I look back over to Carisse gushing over how hurt she’s been. ‘Ugh, that girl has been milkin’ everyone for information on Davonyé. Shit is sad.’
‘Niro’s giving her Davonyé’s new number, but I've changed the digits.’
Wow… ‘You can do that?’
‘Yeah. How you feeling today?’
‘The blood worked. Thank you.’
‘If you need anything else, let me know.’
‘Alright. Carisse is coming back now. Talk later.’
“I got his new number,” Carisse says when she returns. “He thinks he can avoid me, but he's got another thought coming.”
“Wow, I can’t believe he’d sell out his boy like that,” I say straight out.
I can see that’s pissed her off. “He ain’t. He’s actually worried about him. They said he ain’t been in school either.”
Cuz he’s training to be a beast that could fuck all of ya’ll up... “He’s a grown man, Carisse.”
“He might need me.”
I actually almost laugh at that, and I ain’t laughed in weeks. “What else they say?”
“Just that he’s acting different, and get this, Niro said he warned him off your cousin. I knew they was fuckin’ around.”
This fucking bitch wants to go there when I’ve told her a million times how I feel about it? “Carisse, how many times I gotta tell you that I don't wanna get involved with that shit?”
She narrows her eyes. “I ain't involving you, but if your cousin took my man, I ain't gonna be happy. So if you know something, just tell me now.”
“I don't know shit about nothin’ and I'm fuckin’ done talking about it.” I straight up yell at her and I ain’t even sorry. She wanna fucking moan about dumb shit. Try living my fucking life for even a minute.
She’s shocked. “Shit, alright. Calm the fuck down. What's wrong with everyone? You're moody as fuck, my brother’s barely speaking to me. I swear everyone’s got a fuckin’ problem.”
Oh, this is news…
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be snappy. It’s time of the month. Why ain’t your brother talking to you?”
She shrugs and angrily opens her pasta. “Fuck knows. He calls and shit, you know that, but the last few times I've spoken to him it’s like he can’t wait to get off the phone. He’s short as hell with me, too.” She sighs. “I’m starting to wonder if I should even stay here anymore.”
“What? You gonna move back to Ontario?” Fuck… this is bad. If she moves back there, that means longer before Jaheim and me get it together.
She nods. “Yeah. I think if things don’t work out with me and Vonyé then I’m gonna see about transferring. I don’t think I can see him every day and not be with him.”
My mind scrambles. “But you wanted to come here, not him.”
She shrugs. “At this point, I don’t even care.”
I watch her eating and feel like my world just got a whole lot darker.
If she moves back to Ontario…
***
Despite Tuesday’s revelations, the last few nights I’ve slept better than I have in weeks and even manage to drink one of mom's smoothies for breakfast this morning.
Hell is still my life, though.
I feel mentally unbalanced, like I could crumble into pieces at any moment. I just wish this constant longing would ease up, but if anything, it’s only getting worse.
The house is quiet, but I’m relieved not having to wake up to the constant interrogations over my silence. I know it’s only because my parents care so much that they ask, but I ain’t ready to talk to them about it yet.
I sit at the island and try calling Jaheim’s number again, but it goes straight to voicemail, same as usual. Like, what the fuck is wrong with him? My uncle only left my aunt alone because he was trying to keep her safe. What the fuck is Jaheim’s reason?
Is he that anti-relationships? Cuz shit, so was I, but ain't he even a little bit curious to find out why we feel like this?
I just need to see him so he sees how much better he feels to be near me, and so I can tell him that we were made to be together before we were even born.
I just wish he would’ve let me see him before he left, because if I did, we’d more than likely be together now.
***
I park my Escalade in the parking lot at school and then see Ella calling me.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Hey. How you feeling?”
“Still no pain. How long will the affects last?”
“A while.”
“Aight, good.” I wanna ask her about Jaheim… “Ella...”
“I know what you're gonna ask and yes, I do know, but I can't tell you. I'm sorry and I wish I could, Har. Just know it's not too much longer for you two now.”
I sigh. Everyone knows about Aura and what she does; including her ‘everything happens for a reason’ shit she lives by, so there ain't even any point in arguing with her. Besides, I trust Ella and know if she could tell me something to help, she would. “Alright.”
But it’s not much longer, and that gives me back something that disappeared weeks ago.
Hope.
“Your Mom’s really worried, Har. You should tell her what's going on.”
And have her and dad gushing over me and trying to get involved? “I don't want to.”
“Harm—”
“No, Ella. I'm not telling them, alright? It's bad enough you keep going on about it.” Fuck sake! Now I need to stop myself from crying cuz classes start in ten fucking minutes. “Look… I can't…” Tears well in my eyes, and then Ella appears beside me in the car.
My cell falls from my hand. What the hell?
She rests a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay to be hurting, Harmony. You ain’t gotta be the tough girl all the time. Seriously, you're only hurting yourself.”
I suddenly feel defensive about her calling me out on my shit and realise she probably knows a hell of a lot more about me now. “So you a fucking counsellor now?”
She recoils. “No, but—”
“But nothing. I don't wanna fucking talk about it! It's hard enough living it.” I start crying; I can't fucking hold it. “I want to die, Ella. Do you fucking know how that shit feels? I. Can't. Cope. I dread every single minute of every fucking day!”
She gives me a look as if she’s hurting, too. “I know how much you hurt, Har, I can feel your pain. You don't think this shit is killing me? Watching you go through this and not being able to help you makes me feel sick to my stomach.” She sweeps my hair away from my face. “But he is worth the wait. I promise you that.”
Oh, Lawd… I release a single laugh. “I think that's just made me feel worse.”
She smiles sympathetically. “It shouldn't. Jaheim is an incredible human being, Har, seriously. Please, just trust me. Once everything comes together, you won't ever have to worry about feeling like this again, alright? Just, hold on.”