Harmony
I hear my alarm sound under my pillow, but it’s not like that shit wakes me. I’ve barely slept an hour with all the thoughts running wild in my head.
I’m exhausted.
I didn’t stay in the suite. I couldn’t. Not after what happened. Initially, I was pissed because of how he just left me on that bed after teasing me with that pussy-ruining dick, but the more I’ve thought about what happened, the more I feel like something is wrong with the whole damn thing.
And him.
Something’s off, but I can’t figure out what. He ate me out in that shower like his life depended on it, so to just get up and leave after all the effort and shit he put in to get me there…
And the way he moved… He was so quick at times, it had me wondering if he was already a ware. But surely I’d know?
Wouldn’t I?
I mean, he does smell amazing, and he was rough with me at his apartment, but he didn’t hurt me. And his eye colour is just a standard hazel; I ain’t noticed any colour changes, which all wares have…
I close my eyes. Maybe he’s just scared of how he feels towards someone he doesn’t know. I know Davonyé struggled with how he felt; Carisse told me how he was acting, so maybe I’m just reading too much into shit. And he did get me to choose a safe word like he’s into that kinky ass dom life, so maybe I broke the rules or something.
But I can’t shake this feeling…
I wanna text him so bad and ask what I did, but I’m scared in case he says I actually did do something. He looked so into it when he was working himself inside me, but all seemed to change when I touched him.
Maybe I reminded him of something? Maybe he’s with someone like Davonyé was and suddenly felt guilty? It’s just… I know he felt that connection between us. His eyes told me. He definitely felt what I did.
My life irrevocably changing.
There definitely ain’t no going back now. I’m well and truly mated, which means I need to find a way to make shit okay with him, because if I don’t, we’ll both suffer emotionally for staying away from each other.
But I’m already scared he’s gonna try run from this.
If he was a ware, I’m sure he would’ve marked me, too, but I feel no connection to him at all, so that’s another reason why I’m thinking he ain’t.
Ugh… the fuck am I gonna do now?
I eventually get up to get ready for school. I wear a green jumpsuit with some Jordans, tie my long, straight hair up into a ponytail and then quickly apply my makeup before going downstairs. The thought of eating makes me feel physically sick, but I still force down one of mom’s smoothies out the fridge.
“You alright, Sweetie?”
I turn to face her as she walks into the kitchen. She’s wearing her red robe and has her hair tied up in a messy bun. “Yeah. You?”
She nods. “Nana called me yesterday.”
Nana is my grandma from England. My mom’s mom. She’s in her late seventies and doesn’t know what we are. Mom thought about telling her while pregnant with me and brought up the subject of the supernatural, but Nana kinda went off on one and said how shit like that would be an abomination and all that bullshit, so mom never told her.
None of my uncles know about us either.
“Is she okay?” I ask.
“I think so. She said she wants to come and visit, but with all this mess with Maximus, I’ve put her off for a month.”
I nod. “Good idea. Best not risk letting her get caught up in it all.”
“Exactly.”
Maximus is a problem to not only wares, but the whole of humankind. Insubordinate wares are a fucking headache for my family because it’s our job to keep them under control. My parents have been in so many fights and caught up in so much shit over the years because of little fuckers who think they can take on the James’.
My Aunt and Uncle might be Alpha’s, but it’s not just them that are responsible for our kind. It’s a family effort.
I sit down at the island, and after mom gets her smoothie, she sits down with me.
“So, things seem to be going well with Ariella and her mate now. How you managing to stay out of the drama?”
I shrug. “I told Carisse I didn’t know anything, and even if I did, Ella’s my cousin so I’m not getting involved.”
“Good. That’s not your problem, Sweetie.”
“I know.” I pull out my phone and debate texting Jaheim. I want to…
“With Ariella finding her mate, I wondered how you were feeling about finding yours one day.”
I look up at her. She’s giving me that ‘I want to serious talk’ look. “It will happen when the time is right.”
“It will.”
“Besides, you know me, Mom. I’m not the relationship type.”
“Not yet you’re not, no, but one day you will be.” She sighs. “I just worry. Us ware mothers worry more than any other. I know you’ve only just turned nineteen, but your dad and I still worry about how long it will take you to find your mate.”
“I’ve got plenty of time. Don’t worry.” I need to get off this subject. “So how you feeling after missing Amarey’s birth?”
She looks upset. “Annoyed, but I know she’ll have more, so third time lucky, as they say.”
“Yeah. You’ll just have to camp out there next time.”
She smiles. “I intend to.”
“So is it time for you to have another baby now?”
She smiles sadly. “I’d love to, but not until after all this mess with Maximus is dealt with. I can’t risk it.”
I nod. I told Ella I didn’t want a sibling because I liked being an only child and didn’t wanna share my shit, but honestly, I’ve been asking for a sibling for years. I think that’s why I’m so close to Ella, because I always wanted a sister, so instead of us being just cousins, in my head, I made her my sister, and I love her like one.
“I understand. I hope it’s over soon.”
“Me, too, sweetheart. So… Dad told me about your free schools. I think that’s amazing.”
Ugh… I’d kinda hoped he’d keep that to himself. “Yeah. I’ll keep you updated with how it all goes.”
She smiles. “I’d love that. I’ve emailed you a copy of all the people that can help you.” She quickly holds her hands up. “But don’t worry, that’s as much as I’ll get involved, unless you ask me. I know you’re more than capable of doing it on your own. I just don’t want you wasting time or money when you could invest more of both into helping others.”
“Thanks, Mom. I appreciate it.”
I hear dad coming down the stairs and we both look at him as he appears. “Morning, my beautiful girls.”
We both say hello back, but then I get my shit together to leave. “I’ll see you tonight.” I kiss them both before making my way outside to my car. The last thing I need right now is to be tryin’ to concentrate in classes when all I wanna do is find Jaheim.
This is gonna be a long ass day.
***
I cave in the school car park and call him, but it rings out, so I decide to send him a message instead.
Me: What did I do?
I stare at the screen, waiting on his reply.
Mate: Nothing. I just can’t see you again.
My heart physically hurts when I read that message. The fuck? He can’t see me again? Is this nigga serious?
Fuck it. I’m gonna try meet up with him and just tell him what’s up. If he runs, I’ll get my parents to track him down.
Me: Meet me. We can talk.
Mate: I can’t. I’m sorry if you think I played you or something but it ain’t like that. It’s me. It’s all me.
I blink at my phone. He’s actually being serious? But he’s my mate; he ain’t meant to be able to stay away from me…
Me: Just meet me.
I stare at the message, waiting for the ticks to go green, but they stay grey and I realise he’s blocked me.
Oh, my, God…
I bite my lip to stop from crying. This is exactly why I make people think I don’t give a fuck, because when they think I do, they have the potential to hurt me.
***
I sit in the cafeteria on my own at lunch. Ella ain’t here, and I know she’s caught up with Davonyé’s change tonight but I really need to talk to her quick.
I call her.
“Hey Har,” she answers.
“Hey.”
“What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy. Didn’t you meet up with Jaheim?”
Ugh, she can tell something’s up already… “Yeah, I did…”
“And…”
I sigh. “I actually don’t know. Everything was fine; he ate me out in the shower, made me choose a safe word like he’s some kind of dominant, then he got his dick halfway inside me and suddenly freaked out. He got up and said he couldn’t do it.”
“Huh?” She sounds as confused as me.
“Yeah. I dunno, Ella, but something ain’t sitting right with me. I don’t know what it is.”
“You think he suddenly felt guilty for messing with his sister’s friend?”
“Maybe, but I feel like it was more than that. Besides, his dick definitely wanted it.” Shit, his dick was all the way ready to fuck me up…
“Have you spoke to him since?”
I can’t tell her he’s cut me off now…that shit is embarrassing, and I don’t want her to feel sorry for me when I ain’t meant to have feelings like that... I quickly think of something. “Nah… I was gonna message him, but that nigga fucked me off. I swear, he only got his dick halfway in and I can still feel the damage.”
“Oh, God…”
“Yeah. I’m gonna give him the silent treatment, even if he messages me. I’m going insane already, but mates or not, I ain’t into playing games like that.”
“Yeah, I don’t blame you. He’ll come running back soon enough, Har. He can’t stay away forever. Maybe he’s just confused with how he feels? I mean, the whole mates thing is enough to take when you know what that feeling is, but when you don’t … I can’t even imagine.”
I really hope she’s right, cuz shit ain’t looking promising right now.
“That’s true.” Maybe he is just afraid of how he feels… “I’m trying to be mature about this, y’know. He’s older, so I don’t wanna come across as immature… it’s just hard.”
So fucking hard. And I can’t stop thinking about him blocking me either… That’s all the way hurt my feelings.
“I understand that. I dunno what to suggest. Maybe go over to Carisse’s? See if he says anything to you.”
I already planned to. “Yeah. That’s a good idea.”
“Alright. Well, let me know.”
“I will. Thanks for listening. I know you’re busy.”
“Harmony James, don’t even. You know I’m here for you. Especially over this.”
I suddenly feel emotional, but I hold it. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I hang up and take a deep breath to stop myself crying. I need to just suck this up.
It will be alright in the end. It’s gotta be.
***
The whole drive over to Jaheim’s, I pray he’s there. I just need five minutes with him. Five minutes to explain. It might fuck everything up, but at least he’ll know. I’m also hoping that if he sees me again, he won’t be able to stay away from me this time.
Carisse lets me in and I follow her to the living room. She sits in the corner of the sofa and I sit at the end. There’s no sign of Jaheim, and I’m gutted.
I face her and then tuck my legs underneath me. She’s in a grey tracksuit and her hair’s still in that headscarf. “How you feeling?”
She shrugs. “I went to Vonyé’s job, but he wasn’t there.”
This fucking girl. “So you actually went?”
She looks pissed off. “Yeah. I told you. I wanna speak to that nigga.”
I give her a look cuz I dunno who the fuck she thinks she’s talkin’ to. “Aight, chill.”
She sighs. “Sorry. I'm just fed up with my life, Harm. My man's fucked me off, I need to find a job, schoolwork is kicking my ass cuz I can't concentrate, and now Jah’s had to go back to Ontario cuz there's some problem at his job or some shit, so I'm gonna be here on my own.”
What the fuck????
“He's left?”
She nods. “Yeah. This morning.”
Because of me… Shit... Oh, God... I'll never get to him now. My chest becomes tight and I’ve gotta force myself to breathe.
“You okay?”
I cough to give myself more time to answer her question. I need to steady my spiralling emotions. “Yeah, I'm just not feeling well. I think I've caught something.”
She recoils. “Don't be giving that shit to me.”
I roll my eyes. “I won't.” My mind goes into overdrive. He’s run away from me when it should be the opposite, especially now he’s been inside me. “So how long you gonna be on your own for?”
She shrugs. “Fuck knows. He didn't say when he'd be back. You hungry?”
“Nah.” Fuck food; my life has just been destroyed! How am I gonna cope knowing my mate is out there and I can't get to him?
Don't fucking cry...
“Harm, you sure you're okay?”
I nod as I grab my bag. “I'm sorry, I need to go. I'll come see you when I'm better.”
“Lie down in Jah's bed if you want?”
“No.” I panic. “Sorry, I mean, that's his space. I'm sure I'll feel better soon. I get over colds quick.”
She shrugs. “Aight. We'll get some retail therapy in when you're better. Jah gave me his credit card. His treat.”
How could he leave? “I'll let you know.” I get up. “I’ll see myself out.”
“Feel better.”
“Thanks.”
Feel better? There’s no hope of that now…
I barely make it to the car before bursting into tears. I cling onto the steering wheel, squeezing it while my body racks with each of my sobs. How could he do this shit? Don’t he feel anything for me at all? Can mates reject one another? Is this shit a thing?
My heart literally shatters.
What if he never comes back?