Vlad freezes. Thin male fingers squeeze at the nape of his neck, and his lips hover a millimeter away from the collarbone.
— What did you say? — he asks, repeating.
I bite my lip. For nothing. For nothing did I not hold back and confessed. For nothing did these words even sound...
— Yuliana, what did you say? — he repeats insistently, but I stubbornly remain silent.
The saint pretends to have forgotten everything. He returns to caresses and bestows the highest degree of pleasure. He makes me shine brighter than all the stars in the world. He compels me not to be silent, but to scream about satisfaction. He tears down internal prohibitions, fears. He releases that Yuliana, whom I discovered thanks to him. He gives her wings that can lift above the sky.
Later, we lie entwined together. Vlad breathes evenly; I think he has fallen asleep. But I can't. Too many thoughts in my head. I blame myself for the confession. Why did I say it? Why couldn't I hold back? I know that this relationship will remain unfinished. Yes, I agreed to intimacy because I wanted it myself. I didn't want to remember the offense that he provoked with words after the wedding. Perhaps I will never forget the words “We can repeat it as many times as we want...”. I will never forget my own emotions... and that he is indifferent to them. The saint is only interested in his game, where he has practically emerged the victor. I understand now, conditionally knowing what happened — I understand. He protected his sister. He sought ways to put pressure on the Wild Man. And he found them. To make me a part of his plan, he proposed conditions that were simply impossible to refuse. And no, I don’t regret it, for Vlad keeps his promise. Although he did not protect us twice, however, Mom and my brother are currently safe. I am too. We got rid of the tyrant, and the true, fear-free life lies ahead. But... am I to blame for him being the first for me in everything and for my falling in love? I didn’t want to. I immediately drew a line between us, despite the saint's hints. It wasn’t I who crossed that line which kept us separate. Let it be that I moved on. However, it was Vlad who did everything to make me say “And yet...”. I don't know if he did it on purpose or not, but the past cannot be changed. I received and learned a lot because of this man. But that doesn’t change his cold attitude, the bitterness of impending separation, and my heart shattered to pieces. He should understand that he breaks me every time I reach out for him closer, right? He should have realized that when he metaphorically drove a knife in my back with his words, it would hurt my soul too? The saint is not a fool. He is an adult man who has traveled a thorny path to be who he is today and have influence.
I was a naive child who saw nothing. I was trapped in the vise of hatred from the Wild Man. I grew up without love, without support. I heard only accusations and saw eternal dissatisfaction with my behavior. A quiet mouse, afraid to refuse.
Now I am not afraid. This is the saint's achievement, yes. He taught me. He explained. He showed me. But that doesn’t make it easier... Because I still remain an infatuated fool, that clumsy Yuliana, who, in the end, will be cast aside again. They will fulfill the deal and… abandon me. Perhaps I am a master at building marshmallow castles full of pink dreams related to the saint, even though I tell myself not to do this. Even though I assure myself time and again that it's a waste of time.
I yelled at myself that the saint would not leave us a chance for the future… Why then these hopes? What’s the point of hurting myself even deeper?
But I hurt myself. I agree to what he offers. I cherish his care and attitude. I rejoice when he forbids something because that means I am not indifferent... And what’s the point of this? What’s the point if I am still preparing for separation and firmly know that nothing will come of it? I feel like I am balancing on the edge between having nothing and having everything at all. I balance not of my own will, but of his... And he will decide which abyss I will fall into — the blue-eyed and dangerous one, or the one full of gray and bitterness?
— Your words, — suddenly comes a voice near my ear. I flinch. I thought he was asleep... — Are you serious? Do you believe in them?
I hold my breath. Unconsciously, but I cannot go against my body. It reacts much faster than my brain. Something constricts in my stomach.
— I believe, — I say quietly.
— So you kissed a classmate? — he asks dryly.
The darkness hides the shame of the act.
— I think you understand why I did it.
Vlad shifts and turns on his side. I can’t see, but I can feel that he propped himself up on his elbow and is scrutinizing me closely.
— Were you looking for a replacement? — the question sounds strange. The tone is full of something that I cannot identify, although I try. — I will leave. I will abandon you.
— Isn’t that how it is? Didn’t you say that the marriage will last as long as it suits us?
— Glad to know my girl is growing up, — he says lazily. — But I would advise against seeking deeper meaning in the words of adult men. Sometimes it’s unnecessary.
I exhale. I turn to my side too and examine the outline of the man in the darkness:
— You’re confusing me. You say one thing. You talk about controlling emotions, about how I started all this, that it’s useless for me to dream, that we are married temporarily, that you are important because you’re the first in many things for me. But now… Now you contradict yourself. Not seeking depth? I don’t know what to look for. I only know that you talk about certainty, but in reality, only uncertainty lies ahead, and I don’t know, Vlad, whether I should search for remedies for my heart or just know that you will be nearby and they won’t be needed. — I exclaim desperately and sob.
The saint falls silent. He breathes heavily, as if my words weigh heavily on his shoulders.
— Sometimes the best advisor is time, Yuliana. We made a deal without promises of love or authenticity in our relationship. And life regulates the rest, no matter how much we resist it. Heads roll, control flies away, what had long been dead suddenly comes to life. I used to fear for no one besides my brother and sister, — he suddenly confesses. — But now I am afraid for someone else. For the girl who exposed her back, knowing that the one behind her holds sharp knives and keeps stabbing them into her body. I fear that... it would be a mistake to go further than just passion. I fear, Yuliana... Because in any case, I am the cause of your pain. Whether I stay or go. I have already allowed myself to hurt you twice. You cut your hair because you couldn't take it anymore... I cut people off.
While he speaks my heart barely beats. Perhaps time stops altogether, giving us, in this darkness, a chance to open our souls while leaving our eyes closed so we don’t see... the truth? However, I would like to look into his blue eyes. To find out if his gaze has darkened? To find out what is stirring inside him right now… And maybe that way I could understand better.
— I cut my hair to erase that part of my past where I was forbidden even something as simple as choosing a hairstyle. I cut my hair to no longer be connected to the Wild Man by anything! I cut it, — my voice confidently rises, the tone approaches hysteria, even though I don't want it, but the emotions... they are stronger than me, — because with you my life is different, so my hairstyle must also be different. You are the reason for my pain precisely because you have to leave… — I cry bitterly. — I understood, Vlad. I understood what you were showing. Everything that was — changed me. And yes, let me have fallen in love, as you think, because you became the first to fulfill dreams, gave me a normal life, despite your own benefit! But that doesn’t change the power of what I feel. And you? Do you feel anything?
I sit up. I can't lie down right now. My body is full of adrenaline. My soul trembles from fear and anticipation of the saint's answer.
— Something besides what, Yuliana? — he sounds stealthy.
Sadness bursts out of my throat with laughter. This is like a protective shield that has activated to not show how much it hurts right now:
— Will you say again that you promised nothing? Why then was all this? Provocative behavior, passion, questions?... At the restaurant, when I was going to meet your brother! Later, when you promised to show strength and power that doesn't always look like humiliation! You showed! What’s next? Will you just take and leave as if nothing happened? Will you take and dismiss me, like with the rest of the things you didn’t notice? Didn’t see?
He sits up too. He finds my hand and brings it to his lips. He kisses above my fingers and says:
— I think you need to cool down. Soon to class, Yuliana.
I bitterly snort:
— You’re avoiding the answer, aren’t you?
— I will leave you here, — he continues, once again as if he doesn’t hear me. — I will lie down with you.
And he stands up. He takes and truly stands up. He flees. God, he’s running away. And I remain silent. I look at the outlines of the man's body in the darkness and almost see my heart falling like yellowing leaves onto the road. They trample it, crush it, destroy it before my eyes, but I can't do anything about it.
I confessed... I started demanding answers... What in conclusion? Nothing has changed. The saint avoids. He simply avoids answering such questions, avoids talking about the future. So, he doesn’t love. I truly am just a means to an end and right now the man is fulfilling his promises regarding our safety with my mom. That's it... Oh, no. Passion. He let it slip. He said he was afraid to go further than it. But that is not enough for me. Not enough. I... I don’t know how to live this life without him. I thought I would learn. I even promised myself. Only... I already know that it will not happen. Vlad will leave, and I will crumble into pieces, that’s how it will truly be.