Between us is such a small distance, but it feels like kilometers. Vlad looks into my eyes, and I can’t lower my gaze, so he doesn’t read the whole truth there. Everything around us fades away, as if someone has activated the blur mode. I see only him. Just him. I’ve drowned so deeply that I can’t get out. And bandages won’t help here. I deeply wish to be a part of Vlad himself. His other half. His everything.
— There was no reason, — I whisper. — The only reason is you.
Saint raises an eyebrow. He looks at me skeptically and irritably. The blue grows colder, as if warm summer is being pulled from the heart and replaced with fierce winter.
— I… — he repeats slowly. He nods to some of his thoughts. — Indeed, I dug the hole myself.
— You didn’t dig a hole. You said to live, to have fun. You gave freedom and warned that our marriage is a fiction. You showed that you feel nothing for me except physical attraction! — I’m surprised that all these words spill out of my mouth. — There’s a deal between us! I fulfilled my conditions. It’s your turn, Vlad!
— Do you think I haven’t fulfilled anything I promised? — he asks slyly.
Something sparks in his eyes that I can’t even explain. I swallow nervously. I want to flee, hide from the storm that churns at the bottom of the dark, almost black, blue. But I’m not running anymore. I don’t want to break again. I don’t want to be Yuliana Dyka again.
— You have fulfilled, — I rasp, — but not everything!
— And that’s a reason to kiss a stranger? — in the same tone.
— No.
— So what is?
— What is?... — I’m puzzled.
— Yes, — he pushes me toward the couch. Forces me to back away. — What is? I want to know.
I desperately try not to cry. I take a deep breath. I count to five. Then again. Hold on. I have to hold on. I can’t be silent; you said it yourself. I can’t not shine. Enough! A new life begins with small things. And I… I’m so angry with him. Because yes, I made a mistake. However…not because I’m not in love with him. Out of offense…
— You will leave. When it all ends — you will leave, Vlad. You will leave me alone because you don’t care about me and my feelings. Who knows, — escapes bitterly, with sadness, — maybe we’re already on the verge of parting.
— Is that the reason? — he asks coldly.
I have nothing to say. I can’t explain everything that swirls in my chest. I was drunk, angry, offended. Some of those emotions are still with me, despite all the others.
— Vlad, — I whisper desperately. — You know, my heart is not a toy. I... I trust you with all my heart, and you are important to me. However, you understand everything perfectly.
— Hmm, — he rasps and suddenly picks up a short strand of hair and wraps it around his finger. He pulls me closer, hugs me with one hand around the waist and says into my lips, — the reason for your infatuation, my Timid Fawn, is simply that I was the first. I am the reason for your freedom. For something new. I am a breath of fresh air. And that’s it. You won’t be worse off without me. I will do everything for your safety; you can’t doubt that — trust is not deceptive. However, don’t lie to yourself about the importance. — he adds in a whisper, — you are not in love with me. Your classmate is proof of that.
At first, I don’t know what to reply. A wave of scorching heat and disappointment washes over my body. My mouth turns bitter from his words.
— You’re mistaken, — I say quietly.
Our lips are almost touching, but no one erases this minimal distance. We freeze in the middle of the living room. I breathe in his whiskey scent. I breathe in his anger, disappointment, coldness, and fear of getting lost in a dark forest. I inhale the familiar scent of his body, paint, and the car’s interior. Today, there’s a new smell of smoke. A foreign one. The kind that doesn’t usually belong to the Vlad I know.
— I want you to promise that you will never go to “Paradise” again, — he says sternly.
I take a deep breath. I swallow the lump in my throat.
— No, I won’t.
Saint takes my chin and repeats again:
— Never. You will never go there again. Not alone. Not with classmates. Not with guards. Do you understand me?
I remain silent. I nod in response, avoiding discussions. Right now, there’s such a storm brewing in my soul that I feel like I could explode and scatter into billions of stars on the canvas of the color of his eyes.
— Will you let go? — I ask.
— Let go? — the question sounds ambiguous, at least that’s how it seems. But I don’t want to know how exactly he will let go. Only now or in general?
— You don’t care, — I smile bitterly. — Not me.
— Careless… — as if savoring the word. — Emotions, Yuliana. All of this is emotions.
— Isn’t life made up of them?
— It is. That’s why you need to learn to control them.
— Like you? You came drunk, angry about the bar, even though you have no right.
— Your safety is written in the deal. But… — for a brief moment he falls silent, — today I don’t want to control anything anymore. I want my wife.
My heart quickens. It screams to run away because he hurts again, but at the same time makes me stand docilely and wait until he does what we both desire. Vlad presses me tighter to him:
— You don’t mind? — he asks, touching my lips with his.
— Not today, — I reply.
He kisses me immediately. Passionately and drunkenly, making the world spin around us. For a moment, he interrupts and lazily whispers:
— I see you’re learning to play this life.
I snuggle closer. I press my whole body against his strong masculine form. I give the kiss pouring all my offenses and love into it at once. Desperately. With the pain that borders on passion.
“I’m not learning to play this life. I’m simply in love with you. Deeply in love, and that’s why I hope, hope, hope…”
Vlad scoops me up and carries me to the bedroom. To his bedroom. We don’t pull away from each other for a second. Everything becomes unimportant, even unnecessary. Everything turns into decorations meant to showcase and highlight the main characters of this story — us. Like a dark background on a canvas that emphasizes the colorful painting.
Saint sits with me in his lap, supporting my waist, then lies back. I find myself on top. Somewhat embarrassed, yet confident in the correctness of everything happening between us.
It feels as if we are wrapped in fluffy clouds. My heart beats with a familiar rhythm, flying out from under my ribs like a finch, wanting to scream to the whole world about love. A love that can hurt and heal at the same time. Even if it dissonates.
I know this isn’t forever. I know that the time will come when the bandages on which I place such hopes won’t help. But… how to refuse what he evokes? How to consciously say “no” when everything else inside me screams “yes”?
Saint doesn’t stop for a moment. He caresses all of me, pouring so much love into his touches that I believe in their sincerity… Against all odds. We intertwine in passion. For now, we are canvases on which each of us paints his own picture. The same unique ornament that can never be replicated by anyone.
I soar on wings. I feel like I’m in a dream where anything is possible.
I touch Vlad everywhere. I run my fingers over his hard muscles. It’s so pleasant that he’s near. It’s delightful to go crazy over the scent of his body, the kisses, and sometimes sharp movements that gracefully turn into gentle ones.
Vlad tenderly strokes my shoulders, goes lower and reveals not just the body but the soul. He sits up, puts his hand on the back of my head, and connects us. He groans hoarsely into my lips, mixing pleasure with tenderness.
At first, I don’t understand why the man runs his fingertips over my cheeks. It doesn’t come to awareness immediately that he’s wiping away my tears. First with his hands, then with his lips. He mutters something, but I can’t hear it. Because I’m drunk on his closeness. I’m intoxicated by his tenderness.
I throw my head back when Saint leads a trail from my chin to my shoulder, leaving pleasant kisses on my skin. I arch toward his hands and grab him above the elbows. I squeeze my fingers. Unconsciously. Seeking support. And then a passionate and sincere expression escapes my lips:
— I love you.