As Vlad's words resonate, my heart stops, then begins to race, so fast that I fear it might leap from my chest.
I rise on my toes, wrap my arms around the Saint's neck and whisper into his lips:
— Just try. Try to allow it; maybe it won't be like that?... Maybe you're mistaken? Because I see that you are different. No, not a wide, open soul that can be revealed to anyone, but you are kind, honest, strong, and just. Give us a chance.
The man exhales. So much pain in this gesture. He is real now—the one living in his soul but hiding from everyone so as not to appear weak or broken, as Inesa said. However, the Saint forgot that he is no longer the boy who lost his mother and has to carry the family because he is older. Now everyone is independent. Now he can breathe freely.
— I will break your heart, my Timid Doe, — he says softly, and the way he names me makes my heart clench.
— You have already broken it several times, Vlad, but I am still here. I am here because I need you. So much. Your strength gives me the ability to hold my center. Your confidence gives me confidence too. Your support inspires me to learn and live. I do not need a freedom in which I live without you.
— Julianna… — he whispers quietly and hoarsely. He buries his fingers in my hair, pulling me close as if he were hungry, — you just don't understand. You don't know. Not everything is over yet. I haven't resolved things with Wild. How can you say that you don't need freedom without me if I am certain that my actions will compel you to look on in disappointment? So… So wait. Now, — he whispers, — you know that I have long decided that our marriage is not fictitious. You know that I am jealous. You know that you lure my soul with yours. But will all this remain when your mother is free from Wild, and I can finish with him as I wish?
— Let it remain…
— Shh! — he places a finger on my lips. — No need. I missed you. And you?
— You're surprising me, — I mutter. — And interrupting again.
The man smiles. The smile touches not just his lips but also my heart. Every atom, every part of my body yearns for him. Desiring to connect. To become one whole and form the couple I once depicted, where he may stand behind, but still protects.
— There's no need to speak of what you can't be a hundred percent sure about. Time will show what the reaction will be in the end.
— I want to ask…
The Saint scoops me up into his arms and carries me to the living room. He doesn’t turn on the light, so we remain in darkness. It’s better this way. It’s more comfortable. He sits on the couch, still holding me, and gently tucks my hair behind my ears.
— Ask whatever you want, Julianna.
— Is it time to share everything?
— Is there anything you don’t already know? — it echoes calmly, yet with sarcasm.
— Why did you come? You reacted to the message, even though I pushed you away?
Vlad hums. There are a few centimeters between us, hardly any space, and only now do I feel maximally close to this man. All his strength and self-confidence resonate in my heart with the rhythm of the night forest, the danger that looms from the predatory beast, and the knowledge that all this is mine. That everything truly depends on me.
— Did I not explain? — he traces his hands down my arms from shoulders to wrists and back. — When I carried you in my arms, I decided that our marriage could not be fictitious. It can’t be anymore. Did I not say that you drive me crazy?
— Then why did you stay silent? Why did you still say everything is temporary, that you would leave, that there would be nothing?
— Because there is still much that you haven’t seen. There is still a future in which I will take steps where heads will truly fly, Julianna. I didn’t want to give you hope, but you handled them yourself.
— You broke my dreams, Vlad, — I whisper. — I constantly built and continue to build our future. And I am so tired of oscillating between hope and despair. Tired of seeing your behavior where you show affection, then hit me with sharp words. I pushed you away because I couldn’t anymore. I wanted you to decide for yourself! But…that’s not an answer. Why did you come when I called? — I demand.
The Saint takes a deep breath and exhales, as if gathering resolve, of which he surely has tons in reserve. I know for certain, as there have been so many situations where he could have exploded, yet he responded calmly.
— I missed you. — he replies tersely.
— Just missed me? — I prod.
— Not just, — he barely utters and buries his face in the nape of my neck. — Not just.
And these words warm better than any others. I have indeed been hurt by him so many times, he has pushed me away, broken, and destroyed dreams, constantly driving me from his life while reminding me that there would be nothing in this marriage. I have been so disappointed so many times because I allowed myself to believe once again. I have suffered so much, as he would vanish, then appear… And here it turns out Vlad missed me, not just.
— How? — tears well up in my eyes.
I remember telling myself that it was enough. I told myself that he must sort things out, stop confusing, stop causing pain. But… Today everything is different, isn’t it? Today he confessed… For the first time he didn’t say bad words after good ones. He didn’t say we should fulfill the deal and then we would part ways immediately. On the contrary, Vlad confessed that he was afraid that I would leave if I found out… If I found out about the second part of the plan, I understand.
— I missed you this much, Julianna, — these words come out with difficulty, but the man doesn’t allow himself to stop, — that sometimes it felt like someone was tearing my insides out.
Happiness, here it is, isn’t it? Freedom, here it is, mine, because I am next to him.
— And why, when I came to live with you, did you say you rarely spend the night at home? — I ask, pressing against his strong body.
— I didn’t intend to live here, — he answers in a low voice. — I didn’t intend to, because even then I realized that… you had gotten to me.
— Did you decide to run away?
— Rather, to be sure of safety. I haven’t had anyone for a long time. Once I was betrayed, after that only short-lived relationships, no feelings. Control of emotions, remember? But… with you I realized that I don't just control them, but they control me too.
— Can I ask whatever I want?
Vlad nods.
— But I won’t answer everything.
— Fine. The painting in the studio, where there are two men and one girl. Is that you with Timur and Milana?
— Yes.
— Did you paint it after you learned what happened with your sister?
— Yes.
— I’m sorry, Vlad. Milana told me everything, and I am so sorry that…
— You are not to blame here. You have also suffered because of our revenge. Stop it.
I bite my lip and inhale.
— Why did you teach me about freedom? Reminding me of it? Insisting that it was mine?
— You agreed to everything for it, but you didn’t know how to use what you never had.
Gently, I run the tips of my fingers across his face. I touch lightly, almost imperceptibly, only feeling the spark between our skin. The Saint endures; I can see it even in the dark. His male body is tense, every muscle seems relaxed. The habit of controlling everything around has consequences.
— What happened to my protection?
— Hmm, — he smiles crookedly, — first Timur got them, then they did. Their firm is no longer operating.
— Why?
— They lost you!
— So what? Nothing happened to me.
— But it could have.
I reconcile myself with this thought.
— Who is Inesa from the academy? Katrin said she remembers you as a broken boy.
— She knew me in childhood. She was in love for a while. And I with her. It’s all a long time ago and doesn’t matter.
— Did you know she worked there?
— When you enrolled? Yes.
— But no more.
— It’s not my fault.
— Are you sure? She’s nice.
— I swear.
— Well, fine, I believe you, — I smile.
— Still many questions? — he lazily asks and leans back on the couch. I instinctively reach for him.
— A million.
— Then I will stop you and ask myself.
— No! Last one! For today. — I clarify.
— I promised. Ask.
— I am no longer that girl from the painting who wants to break free, finds support, and trusts the man behind her who holds a knife?
Vlad is silent for a while. It’s complicated; I understand. He hasn’t completed what he started. I don’t know what the plans are next. But… I can’t help but ask.
— You are no longer that.
— Then it’s your turn.
The man takes my chin in his hand and whispers:
— Will you kiss me?
I don’t respond with words. I reply with action. I kiss him with fierce intensity, as I have been prolonging this moment all this time. I was afraid. I knew I would start and not stop, as I missed him just as he missed me, to the feeling that my insides were being torn from my body.