We are being led by Katrin. She tells us that she found a cool place and we are sure to like it. But we have to get to the right place by bus, crossing half the city, and I realize that something bad might happen here. The area is dark, the streetlights barely shine, it’s dirty around, and there are people with unpleasant appearances lingering about.
— Are you sure there can be a decent place here? — I ask Katrin doubtfully, walking beside her.
I've never been in such neighborhoods before. If I did visit something like this, it was always under the full surveillance of Wild. There was always a sea of light around, expensive cars either driving by or parked, and security was everywhere. Here… it's quiet. Somewhere far away, there are screams — it’s hard to tell if someone is being beaten or if someone is just having fun.
— I've been there before, — the girl replies firmly. — Don't worry, everything will be fine.
I smile at her. She shares memories of past adventures, but I don't listen. I concentrate on the surroundings.
— I'm scared too, — Sasha touches my shoulder.
— Don't be afraid, — Mark assures that everything is fine. — You're not alone; Toh and I are with you.
I sigh, but still follow Katrin. I really am scared. If I were here with Vlad — I wouldn't be afraid. But I'm not with him… He is fulfilling our agreement, even if partially. It's unknown when he will return.
Finally, we reach the place. It's a basement venue with a neon sign and a loud name “Paradise.” I smirk to myself. Nothing here can be called a paradise. Sasha is nervous, taking my hand. I squeeze her fingers in support and smile. I don’t know if I succeed, but it’s incredibly nice that someone thinks I am stronger than she is. Because the truth is, I know — I’m weak, I’ve lived under oppression all my life, and only now, thanks to the Saint, I’ve started to try to live.
— Come on, hurry up, — Katrin pulls us along with Sasha.
We enter “Paradise.” The smell of cigarettes, sweat, and alcohol hits my nose immediately. The music gets louder. More people are in the passage. Sasha and I are holding hands. Katrin strides ahead of us, smiling joyfully. I can see she enjoys the atmosphere.
As we enter the hall where the dance floor and bar are located, the smells intensify. We head to the counter. Anton unexpectedly finds himself on my left and also takes my hand. I look questioningly at the guy; he smiles and pulls me further. We order drinks at the bar. I pay with my card and watch the tattooed guy starting to prepare our orders.
— How do you like it? — Katrin shouts next to me. The music is so loud that I can't even hear myself, let alone anyone else. — By the way, I didn't mention — your new hairstyle suits you.
— Thank you, — I shout back.
— So? — she repeats the question.
— It’s loud, — I answer after thinking.
The bartender hands over the cocktails. And then, reality suddenly becomes fuzzy. Until this moment, I had hardly drunk at all, sometimes wine or champagne in minimal amounts. But here… alcohol flows like a river. At some point, I catch myself thinking that here I am, dancing on the dance floor among sweaty bodies, Anton’s foreign hands touching me, lingering too long, sometimes on my butt, sometimes just below my shoulders. I hold another cocktail in one hand. Somewhere nearby, Katrin and Sasha are fluttering about. For some reason, I can’t see Mark. It seems everyone is drunk. Or maybe just me; I don’t know.
The music plays so loudly that my insides tremble. I stop following everything, even Anton’s hands. My thoughts get tangled. But one thought echoes clearly in my head:
“Damn Vlad and his restraint and indifference. Damn his marriage.”
“We are not a real couple. Our marriage is a fiction. He does not love and is not in love. For him, I am just a means to an end, even if our desires crossed paths!”
That’s probably why I lose my mind. I give in to Anton and kiss him as he leans in. He’s been looking for a kiss, and I didn’t shy away from trying to drown out my inner pain. Can bandages not be like this? The Saint himself said — to live. To have fun. To communicate. To learn. To be a student. Well, this is exactly what I’m doing. The kiss with my classmate feels nothing. It doesn’t evoke any emotions. The taste of cocktails lingers in my mouth. My stomach tightens with nausea, which is already pushing up my throat. I pull away from Anton, mumble apologies, and dash outside. My brain is hazy; I don't know where the restroom is, so the choice is obvious.
I don't remember how I burst out of "Paradise" into the fresh air. But immediately, I feel better. After climbing the steps, I lean against the facade of the building and bend over. My whole body is tense. Despite the nausea, I can’t bring myself to relieve my stomach of the poison the bartender served.
— Hey, — Katrin’s voice sounds distant. — Not feeling well?
I brace my hands on my knees, feeling the fabric of my jeans very sharply.
— She’s not feeling well, — another voice comes from somewhere.
— Maybe home?
— It’s like it’s her first time drinking.
— Julianna, we’re taking you home. All of us! Do you mind? — it’s Katrin again. For some reason, I focus on her tone.
— Mhm… — I try to say at least one word, but my tongue doesn’t cooperate.
— She doesn’t mind. Let’s go.
I don’t understand how much time passes. It doesn’t get any easier. I only realize that they are loading me into a car. And then… darkness…