“When?”
“Around May fifth,” the doctor reconfirmed and then looked at Hawk, who had asked the question. “Good? Bad? What?”
“Oh, nothing,” he replied with a straight face. “I just don’t know how I am going to remember that day. There’s nothing—”
“Cinco de Mayo?” the doctor offered.
“It’s my birthday!” I exclaimed exasperated, and smacked Hawk on his good arm.
“Oh….” he jested, very well knowing.
Now that we knew when the baby was due, thanks to Lara manipulating a quick appointment with her doctor for me, a whole new sense of reality was sinking in. It was still very early in my pregnancy, but I felt like I needed to get so much in order. Even though I had officially moved in to Hawk’s place, I needed to make the real move. I needed to go to Maryland and get all of my things. I needed to get Allante, who I missed so much, and I needed to get my own car, so I could return the Murphy mobile for good.
Just prior to Oklahoma, I had thought I already had everything planned out and in place. Mr. Shriver was putting the house up for sale, I was going to buy a townhome or apartment in Nashville, Juanita was going to help me drive all the contents of my Maryland abode to my new place. Best laid plans, though, right? Well, in reality, they weren’t the best plans. The best plans were the Round II plans Hawk and I were creating.
The first thing that needed adjusted was what I was actually going to bring to Nashville with me. I suddenly wasn’t going to need a lot of my stuff. Hawk had a fully, nicely furnished home. Nothing needed replaced, nor was there much room to add things. The only true piece of furniture I wanted to bring from my house was my brown leather writing chair that hugged, rocked, swiveled, and reclined while I wrote away. Hawk said I could put it in the guest bedroom to use as my personal writing space before we turned it into the nursery. But the chair was really it. That was all I was going to bring besides, of course, all the personal items and memorabilia. That brought up the daunting task of what to do with all the furnishings. A flea market? Goodwill? Trash?
I called my ex-in-laws to tell them of my new living arrangement. I wasn’t sure how they were going to take it, but they seemed all right. It was the happy-that-I-am-happy thing. I didn’t tell them the baby news yet, though—not Jeff’s parents, nor Sophia. I was leery of that conversation. It was going to open up some cans of worms, and I thought it might be best to do that in person.
Luckily, Mr. Shriver, the realtor extraordinaire that he was, had a solution to my moving dilemma, though. He already had a buyer for the house. Just another swift kick to say everything was moving ahead…everything was changing. But the best part was, it was a pastor and his bride-to-be, who had little money and neither had ever lived on their own. My father-in-law was pretty sure, if I was willing, that the new owners would take and appreciate the furniture and anything else. A wash of relief flooded my body. What better solution? It would be going to someone nice…a new couple. I loved that idea. And I didn’t care about making any money off it, especially since there would be so much less hassle. Within a few minutes of our conversation, Mr. Shriver called me back with the new owners’ acceptance of the generous offer.
Next, I called Juanita and made sure she was still able to make the drive with me back to Tennessee. I was planning on flying up to Maryland for the week, organizing, packing, signing papers, and meeting the new owners, and then she and I were going to rent a trailer to attach to my car and drive back to Nashville. I would need the extra driver for the long trip, especially toting a trailer, which I was not used to. Juanita was more than happy to take a day or two off and help, for which I was so thankful. I was going to need the support emotionally, too.
After getting off the phone with Juanita, I ventured downstairs to find Hawk in the family room. He was stretched out and watching the hockey game. I knew it was the first game of the season. One would have to be blind and deaf not to know that, especially living in Nashville. When he caught me staring at him and the screen from the edge of the room, he grabbed the remote and flicked it off.
“You don’t have to do that,” I offered.
“It makes you uncomfortable. I do.”
“Hawk.” I chose his uninjured side to slide next to on the sofa. “You enjoy it. Go ahead.” I never had to worry about hockey with Jeff—he had been a college hoops guy. “I think my dad would have liked you. He was such a genuine man. From everything I heard, he was so humble and good to his team and fans. And I know for sure he was that way with my mom and me. He would have seen that in you, too, and how happy you make me. I kind of like that hockey might be another thing you have in common.”
He kissed me quickly and said, “Watch with me.”
“No. I…I don’t think I can.”
He grasped my hand, looked at me a long second, and then turned the television back on. I closed my eyes and gently buried my head into his taut, dependable chest. I felt his lips rest on the top of my head.
“I love you, Maya.”
I looked up at him. I looked at the TV. I looked at him again. I was loved. I loved. I was breathing.
***
The night before I was ready to set off to Maryland, Hawk and I were lying in bed. My right leg was extended and wrapped around his right leg, as that was our most comfortable position with one another. I was a side or belly sleeper, and Hawk preferred his back.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” I heard his voice from above my head.
“Huh?” I asked, wondering how he knew, since my eyes were shut and I was a quiet sleeper. “Why aren’t you?” I turned the question around.
“I don’t sleep until you do.”
“Wha—?” I started, and then realized it was just another part of his internal need to protect.
“Mmmm,” was his non-descript, if not humble, response.
“I was just thinking about how much things are going to change and yet how normal it seems.”
“What?”
“This—you and me…here.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s going to be terribly hard saying goodbye to my house and that town. All of my memories are there. But knowing I’m coming back to you? I know I can do it.”
“You know I want to be there for you, but I understand and respect why you don’t want me to be.”
He was playing with my hair. It felt good. It felt reassuring and comforting.
We had talked at length about Hawk coming to Maryland with me and assisting in the move. I knew he wanted to and a big part of me agreed. But it just didn’t seem right. So much of that week was going to be a final goodbye to Jeff and the life I had. Having the father of my child handling things in the house, or even just being there, didn’t seem right.
“Besides, you can’t miss your weekend away with the guys.” I spoke of the annual boys weekend that Hawk went to with Finn and the band.
“It is kinda heaven—fishing, drinking, hunting.” When I cringed at the last word, he soothed my hand with his. “I’m always, always careful with a firearm, Maya.”
“I just don’t like you putting yourself in unnecessary danger.”
Dealing with guns had been part of Jeff’s job. But hunting was a hobby or, at best, a sport. I ranked it right up there with the unnecessary speed of NASCAR.
“It doesn’t take a gun, you know. I fell off the flipping stage, for God’s sake.” He joked to get me to relax.
“I know.” I shook my head.
“You don’t worry about me hunting, and I won’t worry about you lifting or carrying things.”
In addition to being super-protective, he was on top of the pregnancy thing. I adjusted myself so I could look up at his face. I ran my knuckles across the scruff of his mahogany beard and gave him a soft smile.
“What?” he insisted.
“As if.” And then I added, “I love you.”
He blew out an air chuckle. “If you love me, you’d go to sleep.”
“You first.”
“Maya…”
“Good night, Hawk.” I curled back into his side.
“Good night, sweetie.” He kissed the top of my head and, like magic or love, I think I actually fell asleep almost immediately.
***
The week in Maryland was, indeed, hard. It was emotional. It was listening to myself…to my past…to Jeff’s family as they took in the news of a grandchild who was not going to be theirs.
It was love. It was friendship. It was letting go but not forgetting—my dad, my mom, my grandma, my husband, all the detours on the way. It was also new beginnings—for the new couple ready to inhabit their first house and for me starting afresh with a man I loved and a baby I was ready to meet.
Juanita, Allante, and I arrived in Nashville late Friday night. The irony was that Hawk had left just a couple hours before for the weekend retreat with Finn and the guys. I video-chatted with Hawk when I got back on Nashville soil to show him that my black Honda crossover and small, attached trailer were still full and that I wouldn’t unpack anything heavy until he returned home. I even had Juanita jump in to our conversation to confirm.
Juanita and I had a fun day touring some of the local sights on Saturday. I hadn’t had a chance to discover much of Nashville yet. So I was glad to have Juanita as my touristy excuse. We saw the Grand Ole Opry, the Ryman Theater, and Music Row, where I had originally met Reese and signed the papers that changed my life forever. That town was going to be the new fabric of my life, and I was so excited.
After taking Juanita to the airport on Sunday, I came back to the townhome and put some of the small items away. I secured photos of Jeff and me that I knew weren’t going to be displayed in a fabric box inside the elongated closet of the master bathroom. Hawk had already cleared out a section for me. So I intermixed some of my clothes and things in there, too.
I did place a framed photo of my parents and me in my work-room-slash-the-future-baby’s room. I know Hawk had been anxious to see photographs of my parents, and I wanted our baby to have his or her grandparents in view, too. I had been hesitant, at first, to put it out. It had always caused me sadness—a life lost. But this time, I swear it brought me peace, just like watching the hockey game with Hawk had.
It was later in the evening when Hawk texted me that he was on his way home. I sat on the carpet in the downstairs family room with Allante. Although that sweet dog had been so happy to see me when I first arrived in Maryland, he had been lethargic as I cleared out the house and then as we drove across the states to Tennessee. I was worried about him. Sophia had told me his health had deteriorated during the summer, but I had refused to believe it. After all, he wasn’t crying out, and he seemed happy. He was just slow and weak…but weaker and weaker by the very minute.
“Puppy love, c’mon… Hawk’s on the way. You’ll like him. You’ll see. He left you these cool toys and food.” I brushed his light hair with my hand and thought of how thoughtful Hawk had been. I picked up the rope tug toy sitting next to the little pillow and then looked at the metal dual food and water bowl—he had not even touched it. “Allante, you gotta eat. You not only have to meet Hawk, but pretty soon there’s going to be a new little friend for you.” I spoke of the baby. But when I looked down, his eyes were closed against my lap. “Allante? Allante?” I feared he was sleeping too much.
The garage door opening made the dog’s eyes flutter and, once I heard the truck turn off and the car door close, I called out, “Hawk!”
“Mai!” He burst more than walked into the room, obviously hearing the panic in my voice. When he saw me sitting on the floor teary-eyed with my beautiful dog in my lap and knowing Allante’s status during the week, Hawk said my name again but less hurried and more solemn. “Maya.” He crouched down and then sat next to me.
“Allante? This is Hawk.”
The elderly dog’s bloodshot eyes looked up at me and then at Hawk. His paw very weakly went out to Hawk’s extended hand. It was something Jeff had taught him. He truly was the Cadillac of dogs.
“Nice to meet you, sir.” Hawk spoke softly and with the kindest and sweetest of words. “You are taking such good care of my girl.”
Allante’s paw dropped to my stomach and his eyes went back on me before he once again brought his entire head down on my lap. I stroked his head and listened to his labored breathing. I knew it wasn’t good. In fact, I knew it was bad…so bad I hadn’t even considered doing anything but holding him and telling him I loved him. Hawk mirrored my actions by remaining still and silent, hugging me as I held the dog.
And then it became even more silent. And I became even more still. My next words were going to bring reality and finality, and I wanted to postpone them just for a little bit.
“He is, right?” I finally managed to say.
In response to my question, Hawk reached across me and touched Allante. His sobering eyes, even before his words, “Yeah, sweetie,” confirmed the dog’s death.
I sobbed openly, knowing Hawk was there and would catch me. And he did. He held me tighter and rested his lips on top of my head. He let me breathe. He let me take my time. He let me grieve.
When I was able to speak, I relayed the past few days to Hawk. “He knew,” I said, looking from Allante to the rock of a man beside me. “He knew about the baby. I’m convinced. He kept sniffing at my belly and tilting his head. Then he wanted to kiss me there. He never did that before. And he just laid there, so protective. He made the whole move just to…” I couldn’t say the words. “Today he was getting so still and not eating. I’m glad he got to meet you. I wasn’t sure if he was going to make it until you came back.”
Hawk ran his knuckle across my lips, which were wet from collecting tears. “Do you think that was it? He wanted to see your new home and make sure everything was okay? And now that he knows I am here and that everything is good, he could let go?”
“Oh, God, Hawk, do you think so?” My voice came out all nasal, as fresh tears filled my eyes.
I liked his thought. I wanted to think that, too. It would be just like my precious dog. It would have been just like how Jeff would have trained him.
“Mai, oh, sweetie…” He shrugged his loose tan cargo jacket off and let me snuggle a little more definitively into his similarly hued shirt.
Feeling his body so closely enveloped with mine brought me the comfort and courage I needed to finalize the deed. “I guess I need to call someone.”
“I know a vet.”
“Okay.” I wiped my eyes with my fingers and then dried them on my gray tank. “He should be with Jeff,” I stated. “He…yeah. We need to see about getting him to Jeff’s parents.”
I didn’t know how or if it was even possible, but somehow, we needed to unite the dog and his rescuer. And then I thought about the fact that Allante had not only been rescued, but he had also rescued me. I thought of those months after Jeff’s death and how taking care of Allante and him needing me, was one way I made it through. Did Allante know that? Maybe what Hawk suggested about his brief move to Tennessee wasn’t so farfetched after all.
“Yeah, sweetie. I’ll take care of it.”
“Thanks,” I said, and sat silently again for a little while. Eventually, I turned and touched the more-than-normal scruff of Hawk’s weekend-away face. “Hi, by the way,” I said, with as much of a smile as I could muster.
“Hi,” he echoed.
“How was your weekend?”
“I missed you,” he admitted.
“I missed you, too.”
God, was I glad he was home. God, I was glad I was home. And no matter the sadness that was immediately surrounding me, I was sure I had found home, and it had more to do about the arms circumferencing me than the physical structure of bricks and siding.