Hawk managed to snooze on the approximate twenty-minute ride to the hotel but immediately became macho-man again upon our arrival. He carried both of our bags to the front desk and confirmed our ground-floor reservation. Even in his haste and probable fury, he had been thinking of me and my fear of crowded elevators.
We walked in silence to and into our room. When he laid the bags on the sofa, I stayed back. “What?” he asked, noting my distance away from him.
“I know a lot of that before was just for my in-laws’ benefit.” I spoke of the handshakes and kind words. “How mad are you at me?”
His exhale was loud and partially included my name. “Maya….”
“Hawk, tell me,” I encouraged. “We need to be strong enough to yell or tell each other—”
His voice raised like I had asked and expected it to, but it did make me flinch slightly. “I was pissed, okay? Talk about telling each other? What were you thinking, taking off like that and not letting me know?”
I didn’t cry. There were so many emotions coming from every single solitary angle of my life they almost counter-balanced each other. I was so sad, distraught, and worried that I couldn’t even cry. In a way, it helped, though. I was able to speak clearly and say exactly what I felt instead of losing it altogether…which I knew was somewhere right around the corner. “I was just trying to respect how you feel. You were against it, and I understand why. And when I thought about it, I realized this didn’t need to concern you, anyway. It’s about me. It’s about my past and my—”
“Of course, it has to do with me.” At first, his voice was just as raised as before but then became a little softer…yet just as adamant. “If it has to do with you, then it has to do with me. If it’s you…it’s me.” He let his statement register in my brain for a few seconds before taking a couple steps toward me. “Maya, don’t you know I wouldn’t let you go through this alone? I know I was—I am—against it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be beside you.”
My whole body instantly relaxed. He wasn’t fighting me any more about it. He was just there to support me.
“Beside me and protecting me.” I took the remaining couple of steps to him.
“Well, I want to. You need to let me. I’m in love with you, Maya. And the thought of you and little bun in danger? Even if you push my buttons, I want to be there.”
“I’m sorry.” God, was I. “Thank you.” When he shook his head in the way that said he couldn’t believe what I had put him through but was calming down, I flashed to where he should be. “But what about the CMAs tomorrow?”
“It’s fine,” he said with simple authority.
“Hawk, what about Finn?” Once again, I felt like I was putting Hawk’s job in jeopardy. I didn’t have to worry about mine—Reese had anything with the CMAs covered.
“He has plenty of people. Plus, he’s not presenting or up for anything this year.”
“But he is performing. So you should—” I cut off my own sentence, realizing Hawk was suddenly on his phone.
There were a bunch of “yeahs” in between a few pauses, as he listened to the other person on the line. And then, “You tell her.” And Hawk handed me his phone.
When I looked at the screen to identify the person Hawk was speaking to, I saw Finn’s name. My eyes opened as my mouth tightened. I shook my head “no” at my personal protector. But he just shook his head, too, and took a few steps back.
“Finn?” I spoke into the phone, knowing Hawk was basically forcing me to. “I’m sorry. Hawk”—I emphasized his name while glaring at him—“shouldn’t have come here. He should be—”
The crooner himself cut me off then, too. “Maya, Hawk is exactly where he needs to be and who he needs to be with. Let him be there for you. He wants to. I think he even needs to.” My glare softened as I listened to Finn describe the sensitive side of one of his best friends. “And you do, too. Lara and I are thinking of you, okay? We have your back if you need anything. But I think you have it more than covered with the guy next to you.”
“Yeah.” Agreed. “Finn? You’re not premiering the new single tomorrow, are you?”
“Nope, waiting for a better time,” he said about the mysterious song.
“It’s not ‘Dark and Dusty’ the sequel, is it?” I managed to joke.
He laughed. “No. This one has a lot more heart.”
I said goodbye and handed the phone to Hawk who promptly hung it up and placed it on the dresser. “It was almost like you had that call planned,” I semi-teased.
“Well, you are pretty predictable with some things,” he admitted. “Hightailing it up here, though, threw me a bit.”
“I’m sorry.” I knew I had already apologized, but it seemed like I, personally, couldn’t do it enough. I really did feel bad, especially witnessing his physical and emotional state. “I can’t believe you drove up here like that.”
“I did out of pure adrenaline, worry, and, yes, a little bit of anger…and I’m exhausted.” He saw my cringe—it wasn’t well disguised. “Come here,” he soothed me. “I love you.”
My voice was partly muffled, being suctioned onto his chest. “So, which one?”
“Which one what?”
“The customized floor mats or the fishing rod?”
I expected him to laugh, but he didn’t. Instead, he pulled me arm’s length away. “You want to get me either of those, great, but Christmas is fine. We’re both going to do things, Maya, but hopefully we’ll learn from them.”
“I’ll still take a flower or two every so often.” I smiled.
“You got it.” His partial chuckle was followed by a sweet kiss, which started to turn into so much more.
“I thought you were tired,” I said but slid my hands under his shirt.
“I am. Rock me to sleep.” He pulled me as tight as he could up against his body, and I lifted my legs so he could take us to the bed.
Our lovemaking was a mix of extremes. We were both emotional and had missed one another. But it also felt like Hawk wanted to keep me as protected as he could by covering his massive body on top of mine. His kisses were soft. Yet I could also feel a little of his self-proclaimed anger and fear letting go as his body met mine.
“You okay?” he asked after, while still breathing a little heavy.
“Yeah.” I touched the scruff of his beard. “I’m sorry for worrying you when you got home.”
He was able to hold my eyes but only for a millisecond, and then he brought my head swiftly to his chest. I could feel him bring his arm up to shield his eyes, but I didn’t look. I knew he didn’t want me to. I had never seen tears from that strong and sturdy man, but I was pretty sure they were threatening then. I pressed my lips onto his torso to show my love and appreciation for all he was.
“I love you…so much,” he mumbled above my head.
“Me…too.”
***
Hawk was not pacing, or on his phone, or reading, or sleeping, or anything else. He was looking straight ahead, just like he had been when I had turned away from him earlier and had walked into the prison. I imagined he had stood there the entire time just like that, propped against his truck, looking at the institution’s door as if he were an additional guard.
When he saw me, he took swift, sturdy steps in my direction. My steps were lighter and faster. I had just confronted a killer. I felt sick. I felt dirty. I needed it erased.
Once again, his arms were like magic. They transported me to a safer, happier world. He let me be…just like that. He didn’t speak. He just held on tight.
Eventually, I lifted my face away from the soft cashmere of his sweater and looked up at him. But I didn’t dare take even one step away. I breathed in. And again. It was like I was coming down from one of my claustrophobic episodes.
“Tell me. You got to tell me what to do. What do you want me to do?” he asked, and, for the first time ever, I could tell he was at a loss for how to help and protect me.
“Just take me away from here, okay?”
He took my hand and led me to the truck. Once we were both in and the engine started, Hawk’s right hand immediately claimed my left. It felt so good. It felt so reassuring. It felt so right.
While we drove away from that horrific place, he took some side glances at me. I knew he was worried. I wished there was some way or some thing I could do or say to reassure him that I was fine. But I still needed a few minutes to debrief internally.
“Do you want to go see Jeff’s parents?”
I knew I should, but I definitely wasn’t ready for that. They would be emotional, and I would feel a need to comfort them. But I couldn’t do that just yet. Selfishly, I was the one who needed comforted. “No. I…no. I just need you and me for a moment.”
“Yeah.” He squeezed my hand. “You got it.”
The silence continued in the car. My window was down despite it being cold, and Hawk didn’t make a snarky remark about it. He was being very patient and allowing me to dictate how things were going to go. I knew he was heading back to the hotel. It was really the only place he knew in the area, and it was our home base. But then, en route, another destination came into sight.
“Pull over here,” my voice whispered.
“Really?”
When I didn’t respond, he did as I asked. I got out and he followed. It was a park. There were some teens playing…hockey. For a change, it made me feel safe and at home. I sat down on the bench and stared at the players. They seemed good. Maybe one day one of them would be the future Noah Collins.
Hawk, sitting next to me, prompted, “Sweetie?”
“I feel free…so free. I…honestly? It was one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. But it was so…it was such a release. I feel like I can put it away. I thought I had before, but I…I didn’t…not completely. I don’t care what happens to him. I said what I needed to. And he did, too. And it’s not like I forgive him, and I’ll never forget. But I’m free. It was the one last tiny puzzle piece that had fallen out, and it didn’t seem like it mattered. You know, it was on the frame and was solid and didn’t affect the image, but it completed everything.” It was my turn to put his hands in mine. “Thank you for being here. Because if you hadn’t…truly, I think I would have walked away. My legs were shaking so bad. But then I thought about you being right outside, and I knew nothing could hurt me.”
“Oh, God, Maya. The whole time you were in there, I think I aged ten years. I nearly had a stroke, thinking of what he was saying to you and how he was making you feel.”
I positioned my head against his. “All I could feel was your love and protection.”
“A given.”
***
We did end up going then to see the Shrivers, who also seemed at peace with what happened at the prison. And then after meeting up with Juanita and her boyfriend for dinner, we went back to the hotel room to watch the CMAs on TV. Hawk covered my mouth with his hand when I made the comment about how he should have been there. But when I kissed it, he let go.
“Well, the plan was for you to be there, too.” As Hawk’s guest.
“I know,” I lamented as I snuggled against his side on the bed. “Maybe if you still like me, I could get invited to the next one,” I teased.
“Maybe,” he said in just his Hawk way, and did the slightest of smiles along with the piercing of his eyes.
***
Instead of driving straight back to Nashville that next day, we were going to make a stopover in Louisville. It wasn’t a direct route, but Finn and Lara had invited us to Arinn’s second birthday party at his mom’s house. And, of course, I wanted to go—not only to celebrate their little girl but to thank the Murphys for their support. And, oh, it was Louisville.
Set to leave Maryland really early that morning, Hawk asked if I would mind making one short stop first. I was surprised by his request. He wanted to see where my parents were buried. I hadn’t visited their graves during that trip. For one thing, my focus had been on Jeff. And, for another, I just didn’t often. But especially not knowing when I might be back in the area again, I agreed.
Hawk cut the engine and helped me out of his truck. My parents were not in the same cemetery as Jeff. Theirs was a little farther out of town, back near where the three of us used to live when we were a happy, little family. Of course, their resting place had been a debate from the beginning—one that I had been too little to have known about at the time. My dad’s parents had wanted my father buried in Canada. My mother insisted he lived and planned on living in Maryland for the rest of his life and, sadly, that was true. She also wanted to be buried with him—no matter what…no matter where her life would take her after his untimely death.
I knelt down next to my parents’ grave. It was taller than my late husband’s, partly because there were two of them buried there, but really because of my father’s celebrity status. It was a simple marker, though. Taking up most of the stone, in the center and top, were a bunch of engraved trilliums—Ontario’s flower. “Collins” was etched on the center bottom with their first names and dates just below. Next to my dad’s was an engraved small hockey stick and next to my mom’s was a camera.
“What’s with the camera?” Kneeling next to me, Hawk’s hushed tone was respectful of the setting.
“She was a photographer…artist. That’s how they met. From what I was told, it was pretty much love at first click.”
“I would have liked to have known them.”
“I would have liked that, too.”
He was staring straight ahead at the grave as if he were actually talking to them. “I’d tell them how much I love you and will always take care of you.”
I took his hand and he helped us stand, united. Leaning in to his side and resting my head on his shoulder, I wanted to think they already knew that. After all, I sure did.
***
Hawk clasped my hand tightly as we boarded the glass elevator in the same Louisville hotel we had stayed at our first night together. It was, once again, fairly packed. But I didn’t feel quite as apprehensive as I had that time in July. Hawk talked me through it just as he had before, apologizing all along that our room was up so high again.
As it turned out, it wasn’t only just as many floors up. It was the same exact room! I shook my head.
“That had to take some finagling.”
“I know people who know people.” He smiled.
“I wanta shower before I change…at least rinse off.” I had already washed my hair that morning. “I feel kinda grimy after being in the car all day.” We had left early in the morning so we could make it for the dinnertime birthday party. I thought it was kind of late, but Arinn was a road baby, so both she and Chance were used to the odd and late hours.
“Fine, sweetie, I got stuff to do.” He gave me a gentle kiss and swatted me into the bathroom.
When I reemerged into the connecting dressing area in just a towel, lip gloss, and mascara, Hawk was standing there. His eyes scanned my body as he handed me my long, red dress with a slit up one side and a dipping V neckline. We had, at the last minute, picked it out together in Maryland, since I certainly hadn’t thought to pack something so fancy on my spontaneous trip up there. He also handed me my lacy black bra and panty set.
“Oh, uh, thanks.”
I was both a little taken back from his action and the way he looked. Standing in front of me, he was completely, handsomely clothed. He had on a black shirt with matching tie, a light gray vest, and coordinating pants. It was all form-fitting and so damn fine. Breathtakingly so.
“You look—crap—handsome.”
It was a breath more than a laugh. “Crap handsome? Is that a compliment?”
“You look like I may need to check the lines on that suit.”
Even his smile was sexy as he raised his eyebrows in a suggestive way. “You’re very welcome to.”
I pursed my lips a couple times, knowing I needed to resist. We would be late. Instead, “Are you sure this isn’t too dressy? It’s a two-year-old’s birthday party!”
“I think it might be a little too casual, but if you want to stick with the towel…” he teased, and I was glad things were so much more relaxed with us since sitting on that bench, watching the hockey game. We seemed better than ever, in fact.
“All right!” I laughed.
When I started to slip on my undergarments, Hawk just stood there against the doorframe, staring. He had never done that before. I was a little shy but mostly turned on. The way his hands were in his pant pockets suggested to me he might have been, too.
After I got the dress on, he stood a little straighter and said, “Go check the bucket in the living area. See if we need some ice.”
“Really?” I thought of the irony.
“Yeah. We might want a drink later.”
“You’re not just ready to get rid of me for a while?” I teased.
“Nope.” He squinted his eyes quickly yet mesmerizingly. “Actually, I’m hoping everything we need is in there.”
Hawk followed me as I went into the other room. I grabbed the hotel’s ice bucket from the mini-bar, hoping it was already filled. But I could tell by the weight and temperature alone that it wasn’t. Regardless, I opened it up, envisioning myself tromping down the hallway in my eveningwear, looking for the nearest machine.
But I didn’t move an inch. I would be surprised if my lungs had even moved. Was I breathing? The bucket was, indeed, empty…all except for one thing at the bottom. There was an open black box with a stunning, gleaming, diamond ring centered in its cushion.
“Not the ice you were looking for?”
I managed to look up and at him, my mouth as open as the box and bucket. “Better,” I practically whispered.
When I didn’t say or do anything more, Hawk took another step toward me. “Do you want me to take it out?”
My head nodded up and down like a slow-mo bobble-head. This was happening. It…it was …Oh, my God.
Without letting his gaze drift from mine, he took the box out and then the ring itself. “Mai—"
“I love you.”
“Good. That makes the answer I want much more likely.” He seemed calm which helped regulate me a little back down from the shock. “We talked about this—wanting it to be the right time. And I think after listening to what you said in Maryland, this is it. I know it is for me. It’s not about either of our pasts or because of circumstances. This is about us. This is about how much I love you.” He bent his one knee and lowered his magnificent body down to the floor. “Maya, will you please marry me?”
I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t wait. I practically exclaimed, “Yes. Yes!”
When he stood up and slipped the ring onto my finger, a happy tear slid from my eye. I looked down at the beautiful ring. It was so perfect. There was a magnificent center cushion-cut diamond encircled by two rows of additional smaller diamonds. And the band was made up of a bunch of mini-diamonds, too. I felt like a princess.
“It’s gorgeous. When? When did you get it?”
“Picked it up in New York. Finn had set me up with his jeweler. That’s really the reason I went.”
“Oh…I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” he said, just a tad mellow. “I wasn’t sure exactly how or when, but, you know, Mai, I think it worked out—”
“Perfectly,” I said at the same time he did. “It’s perfect. All of…all of this. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
As we started kissing, I began to, indeed, check the seam of his pants. “You think the birthday party can wait?” I suggested.
“Maybe even until tomorrow.”
I started to say that I didn’t want to miss the party but then realized there had been a certain inflection in his voice. “Wait. What? What does that mean?”
“The party is tomorrow and jeans and a casual shirt are fine.” I shook my head as he laughed. “The two of us do have dinner reservations, but there’s time for me to slip you out and back into this dress again.” The eyebrows, those eyes…that smile.
The last time we had been in that room together, we had been two single souls traveling the roadie life and connecting for the first time. Now we were on a different road…together. And I couldn’t wait to experience every mile and memory.