I wasn’t sure what woke me, but I found Hawk sitting on the edge of the foot of the bed. A glance at the clock told me it was almost half past two a.m. My rest hadn’t been solid because I had, on occasion, heard the sounds of the guys in the downstairs family room, cheering at either their own video game or a televised one. And also, while not dreaming, I knew my mind was fitful with memories and decisions.
“Hey…” I scooted up a little. When he didn’t turn to face me, I asked, “Everybody gone?”
I knew Vanessa, Lara, and the kids had left shortly after we returned from trick-or-treating. But the guys had planned on staying for a while. When Hawk turned, his gaze pierced mine and not in an amorous way. I knew he had to be a little drunk, but there was definitely something more.
“What’s the matter?” I tried.
“When I just came up here, I kissed you.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound wrong. That sounds right.” I reached my hand out to rub his back. “Maybe you should try it again now that I am awake.”
His words came out plain and almost taunting. “You said Jeff’s name.”
I was awake then for sure. My hand dropped. “I did?” With not even a blink from him, I continued. “Sorry. It’s just probably because he’s been on my mind with this whole Percy mess.”
“I can’t compete with a dead hero, Maya.” His comment nearly tore my heart in two.
“Hawk…” That time I laid my hand on top of his. “You don’t have to compete. There is no competition.”
I had never seen Hawk jealous, even with the vast amount of men around us that summer. And they were, by nature, a flirtatious bunch. Was it because he knew them? Or was it because saying ‘I love you,’ a baby, and living together was a whole new emotional playing field? Regardless, he didn’t need to worry, and I wanted to reassure him of that.
I took a moment to look at him, trying to make an on-sight assessment, not only of his emotional state but of how sober he was. Luckily, I believed he was just slightly under par with both. And that was workable.
“What we have is so different than what I had with Jeff.”
“Because of the baby.” He was mellow but obviously agitated and hurt.
“No,” I objected right away. “I said ‘we’—you and me.”
I applied a little more pressure—more love—to our hand connection. And I paused. I not only wanted those words to sink in, but I also wanted to make sure I got the next ones right. I wanted to tell him so much of what I felt and, yet, didn’t want to degrade the relationship and love I had with Jeff. But it was different. There were no comparisons.
“Did I ever tell you that the first time Jeff asked me out, I turned him down?”
His eyes found mine, and I knew I had his full attention. He wanted to know. He, in a way, needed to know.
“I thought he was a playboy,” I continued my story about Jeff. “But he persisted. And I found out he wasn’t. He was a good guy. But I still, you know…it took me a while. In fact, I almost didn’t go on a second date with him. It wasn’t this instant thing with me. Our love grew, and we had a good marriage, and I thought it would be that way forever.” Breath. “You, though?” I felt my face burn and then flush in slight embarrassment, even after all the months that had passed and the intimate talks and love between us. “The kiss in the hotel in the Keys? I knew I had to go back and find you. I…yeah. I knew. And then once I got home? Every day, I thought of you.”
His nose twitched slightly and his eyes seemed to brighten a bit, too. “Hmmm,” he murmured, in a way I suspected he had had a similar experience as mine.
“Different. You and me. See what I mean?” I continued. “And as far as Jeff being a hero? No doubt he was. But not so much the day he was killed. He should have waited for backup. He should have thought of me before going rogue and charging in all tough-guy.” I purposefully slowed down my dialogue then. “You don’t have to compete. I love you.”
This time, I almost got a smile. “I will always think of you, Maya.”
“I know. I know. I have tally marks to prove it.” I glanced in the direction of the romantic paper lying on top of the dresser, awaiting a frame.
“Not enough paper,” he claimed, and I could sense him once again becoming the Hawk I knew.
“Me…too.” Just like “punch bug,” those words were our words of love. “How about Alex?”
“Huh?”
“When you kiss me…if I said ‘Alex’?”
His abs rolled in silent laughter. “No.”
“Hawk…” I said it to confirm the only name of the person I ever wanted to kiss me and as a plea to make sure we were all right. When he kissed me then, I reiterated my feelings. “I love you.”
***
We had ended our evening the right way. But, unfortunately, the next day did not follow suit. We were arguing almost from the start. And it was my fault. It was because of my decision.
It wasn’t that I wanted to see him. It was that I felt like I needed to see him. Closure was a word I didn’t believe in. I didn’t think there could be anything that would ever say everything was over and done with and put in the past. But I couldn’t live with the turmoil that, with a couple messages and a call from Maryland, had me spinning and scarcely thinking of anything else. It wasn’t good for me. It wasn’t good for our unborn child. And it wasn’t good for my relationship with Hawk. The honest name mistake in the middle of the night was proof. It was the only thing I could do—face the demon, Percy, and move on…move on to the life I deserved and loved and treasured so much.
Hawk hated it. He was adamant that I should not go to the prison and was barely listening to my reasoning. I knew his side. I heard his side. I even understood his side. But it was still something I felt like I needed to do.
He found me sitting on the low steps leading from the slightly raised patio out to the yard. My legs were bent, and I was rocking slightly. I knew he was there even though he approached from behind and didn’t say a word. Carefully, he joined me on the wooden surface. We sat in silence for a moment or two, staring at nothing but a couple of potted plants, trees, and grass. I wiped an unexpected tear and turned to him.
He dropped his left hand to my right knee. “Mai, I hate seeing you hurt. But, sweetie, I’m just trying to keep you from more pain.”
I exhaled. We were going round and round. Again.
“I know. But I can’t concentrate on anything. You’ve seen it. I want my focus back on here, on you, on us. I just feel like I have to do this. I need it…both for me and for you.”
“No! Not for me.”
I closed my eyes at his insistent demeanor. “I don’t know what else to say.” I tried looking at him again. “Yes, I wanted you on board with this, but you aren’t. And I guess I understand. But I have to. I have—”
“Maya!”
“Hawk, please.” My voice actually broke that time. “I don’t want to argue. Please. This is all so much without the two of us…feeling like you…”
His mouth opened like he was about to say something. But he didn’t. It gave us both another moment to breathe.
Finally, I broke the silence and changed the subject. “I’m supposed to be at the bridal shower.” Standing up, I straightened the ruffles of my polka dot high-low dress.
“You don’t have to go to that.” He stood up to meet me. “Or you can be late.”
I was already late. And Vanessa didn’t have many friends in town. The shower was being thrown by Carter’s family. The main one had already taken place in New York, where she lived and still worked. Lara said Vanessa was superstitious, as she was not quitting her job and moving until the ring was on her finger. But none of us had any doubt. She and Carter already acted like they were married…the honeymoon variety.
In contrast, Hawk and I were acting like an old married couple. “I said I would go to support Vanessa, and, right now, it might be for the best.”
He didn’t sigh, but he might as well have. “We’ll be gone by the time the shower is over.” He and Finn were taking a short trip to Manhattan so Finn could do interviews before the CMA Awards.
“I know.” I hoped Hawk could tell in those two little words how sad it made me that A: he was leaving, and B: we hadn’t come to a resolve.
“Mai…” It was much more of a legitimate sigh that time. And then, “All right. Okay. We’ll figure it out when I get back.”
Relieved by the pause in topic, I gently brought my lips to his. “I need you to know how much I love you.”
He nodded his head affirmatively. “I love you, too.”
***
“Hey, in between gigs and was hoping to catch you. Can’t wait to do this city with you. If I don’t get a chance to call again, see you tomorrow. Punch bug.” I listened to his voicemail message an hour or so after he had left it, since I had been mid-flight.
The guilt over not telling Hawk where I was overwhelmed me after hearing his genuine, loving words. Sure, he knew I had been digging in about following through with the prison meeting, but he hadn’t expected me to do it immediately. And I’m sure he thought he could change my mind once he returned home. But I was convinced that facing the cop-killing bastard and showing him I had survived his reign of terror was the right thing to do. And, ultimately, it was my past and my decision to make.
I tossed around the idea of calling my protective man back and letting him know where I was. But that would either worry him or set him on fire. And I didn’t want either of those outcomes. It would do neither of us any good. He would find out soon enough when he got back to Nashville the next evening and saw the handwritten note with a couple of the flowers he had given me propped beside it.
As my taxi pulled up to my ex-in-laws’ that evening, I, instead, texted Hawk back, hoping he would forgive me. I miss & love U.
***
I slept in spurts that night in the Shriver guest room—the same room my nephews shared when staying over at Grammy and Grampy’s. It was almost as if something was physically jabbing me awake. But I knew it was a mental poke in the side, not a physical one. It was being surrounded by memories of Jeff in his parents’ home. Those both comforted and saddened me.
And it was knowing I still had a whole other day to wait before completing my mission. Visitors were only allowed on certain days, and the warden was already making an exception for me.
The Shrivers, thankfully, kept me busy that next day. We had a heart wrenching, yet peaceful, conversation about my decision to meet with Percy Kellerman. They supported me and were willing to go to the prison the following day, even if they would not go inside. It meant the world to me. Then we met Sophia for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. I was, admittedly, distracted at that point because Hawk had neither returned my text nor called me. I assumed he would have at least called from the airport before they left to return to Nashville. But he hadn’t. And I knew his itinerary meant that boarding the plane was about to take place.
The last part of the day, I chose to do solo. I think everyone understood. I borrowed the Shrivers’ car and drove to the cemetery. I had been there during the week of the move, and it had been emotional because of the finality of everything. But this was equally as hard.
First squatting and then sitting in front of the smooth, curved, raised headstone of my late husband, I thought of how Allante’s ashes were with Jeff…partially scattered on the hard, cold ground I was sitting on. I sat for a long time in the still, silent setting that only a cemetery creates. Memories of our life together, that final day, the hospital, and the trial raced and raced through my head.
I wondered what Jeff would have wanted me to do. Would he have wanted me to stay away from the whole situation and let everything be? Or would he have wanted me to confront his killer…give him hell for cutting his life way too short? Or would he have wanted me to forgive Percy Kellerman, especially since he was dying? Jeff had the heart and upbringing of parents who always wanted to see the best in people. It was what had made him a good cop. It was also what had put him at risk, especially the night he was murdered. But as the distance of his death grew greater, it was getting harder and harder to envision his mannerisms, his idiosyncrasies, and his voice. And that made me sad.
I pressed my lips up to his marker, closed my eyes, and whispered, “Thanks for keeping me on track.”
***
There was a truck in the Shrivers’ driveway. Since it was blocking my passage into the garage, I had to park in front of their house. I dreaded going back into the home only to have to put up with a guest who I either didn’t know or, maybe even worse, someone I did. I really didn’t feel like making conversation. I felt like being in the internal state I was already in. As I passed the truck on my way to the front door, I noted its similarity to Hawk’s, making me think he was probably at that same exact moment just entering our Nashville townhome and seeing my note. As I opened the front door, I closed my eyes, imagining Hawk swearing, swiping at the paper…
But he wasn’t. At least not at that exact moment. Because he wasn’t in Nashville at all. He was right there in the Shriver living room.
I’m not sure if my mouth dropped open or if the vocalization of his name came first, but they both definitely happened. “Hawk.”
All three of them stopped whatever they were doing and were standing there looking at me. Mrs. Shriver had a sad kind of smile on her face, while her husband looked like he was trying to stand as tall as his new guest. Hawk, though, looked more worn than I had ever seen him. Sporting a dark blue, plaid pattern, his button-down hung loose and wrinkled over his black jeans, and his hazel eyes were mixed with the type of red only tiredness or worry created. And I guessed his was a mixture of the two.
“Maya,” he said plainly, while pinning me with those eyes.
“What…? How did you…?” I couldn’t formulate any complete sentences.
“We caught an earlier flight back to Nashville,” he explained as Mrs. Shriver closed the front door behind me. “Got in this morning.”
“And? Oh, my God. That is your truck.” Everything was starting to register. I asked the question but I already, unfortunately, knew the answer. “Tell me you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t drive here.”
“There really wasn’t another option.”
“By yourself?” My eyes felt like they were the size of the tires on his truck.
I had driven it. But it had been with Juanita, and we had taken our time. There was no way if he gotten off a plane earlier in the morning, he should have been in Maryland that quick. Oh, my God.
“Maya…” Even if he was upset, he knew my issue with driving tired. So he pacified me. “It’s okay. I’m okay.” He paused for the slightest of seconds. “But I could use a hug.”
I blinked more than closed my eyes and then, at first, tentatively wrapped my arms around him. I was trying to determine his temperament. But the safe, familiar feel of his body entwined with mine made me put that aside and, instead, just treasure the touch I had missed over those past couple of days.
“Don’t ever do that again,” he whispered firmly in my ear.
I released our bodies and looked up at him. There was tension, but I could also see the relaxing of some of his facial muscles. His eyes were becoming a little less squinty…his jaw line a little less rigid.
“How did you find—?” I knew my note had said I would be at Jeff’s parents, but I had not given an address or their phone number and he, most certainly, hadn’t called me.
“We have Sophia’s information listed for the backstage passes.” He spoke of our summer stop in Baltimore. “I called once I got near town.”
Oh. “What about the CMAs? You’re supposed to be—”
“We’ll talk about it later,” was his abrupt end to my query about the major awards show. He was supposed to be working it as part of Finn’s team.
“I didn’t mean for you to come up here. I—”
“Clearly.” There was a definite minimizing of the eyes that time.
Thank goodness for Jeff’s dad, who could sense the bit of tension between Hawk and me. “You sure we can’t get you anything? To eat? Drink?” He was looking at Hawk.
“No, sir. I’m fine. Thanks so much.”
“How about you, Maya?”
“I’m good.” I turned to my kindhearted ex-father-in-law.
I couldn’t help but think how incredibly hard it was for him and his wife to see their son’s widow with another man—a man who’d driven miles and miles to be with her. And, also, to witness our embrace and have the new knowledge that there was a baby between us. I knew what an adjustment it had been for Sophia. And even though I had spoken of Hawk with Jeff’s parents and they had given me their blessing, I was sure this scene, on top of what was going on with the prison, had to be painful.
“Everything all right at the cemetery?” Mrs. Shriver asked.
I automatically glanced at the photo of Jeff on the mantel. I had been the photographer of that one. He was holding a beer and hugging Allante. There was a genuine smile on his face and a large tongue-pant on Allante’s.
“Yeah.”
“The flag still there?” she asked.
“It is. There are so many little things people still leave…” My voice faded as I then looked at Hawk.
It had to be incredibly hard for him, too. He was surrounded by everything “Jeff.” There were the photos, his family… But we had that talk. Did he still trust what I had said about not comparing? As if reading my mind, Hawk took my hand in his and gave me a quick, little squeeze. It made both me and my ex-mother-in-law smile slightly.
“Are we sure we can’t talk you into staying?” Jeff’s dad questioned the broad man by my side.
“No, sir.” Hawk’s manners, which I had determined were a fantastic mix of both Della and John, shined through. “Already got the hotel. Thanks, though.” He then looked at me. “But Mai, if you’re ready, I wouldn’t mind heading out. I am a little tired.”
Even though I was sure he added that last little line on purpose, I didn’t let it show. Now that Hawk was there, I wanted to be with him. I wanted to talk and hopefully not argue. “I’ll go get my bag. It’s in the—”
“I already have it in my truck,” he said and took a couple steps toward the back of the sofa, where he picked up his forest green hoodie. “Sir. Ma’am.” He extended his hand to each of the Shrivers.
“We’ll see you before you both leave.” Her words were a mix of question and hopeful statement.
Before I could answer, Hawk did for us. “You got it.” His response made me think he was staying for a couple days. But could he? And did that mean he was on board with what I was doing?
“I’ll call you tomorrow after I…” I looked at Hawk. I looked back at Jeff’s parents. Not needing to say anything more—everyone knew what the “after” was—I just simply said, “Yeah.”
Hawk shook Mr. Shriver’s hand once more as we left my ex in-laws in the entryway of their home. When Hawk tossed me his car keys, I truly knew how tired he was. He, who drove everywhere, was relinquishing the task to me. I had done that to him. He was that tired because of me. I breathed in as best I could and started the truck as he gave me the name of the hotel and leaned to the side window to go to sleep.