Lara and I tried to get back to what we had been doing before Finn’s phone call, but I think both our minds were preoccupied. It wasn’t until my phone rang sometime later that I felt a little more at ease. Lara looked over, and I did a half-smile. Understanding my facial gesture, she exited the room to give me some privacy to speak with Hawk.
“Hello?” I answered generically, despite knowing the caller.
“Hi.” His reply was so non-descript.
“Hawk?”
“Yeah.”
“You all right?”
“Yeah. Broke my clavicle.”
“What? What is that?” I felt a little like I had when I was in the damn storm cellar. I wasn’t thinking straight, out of pure worry.
“Collar bone.”
“Oh. Oh, God. Is it serious?” A broken anything didn’t sound “all right.”
“No. It’s fine.” There he was, once again, in a way, protecting me. “A sling and some good meds. A specialist is gonna look at it tomorrow just to make sure I don’t need surgery. It’s late, so they’re keeping me the night.” When I didn’t, or couldn’t, say anything, Hawk asked, “Maya, you still there?”
“Just breathing,” I admitted. I could. I had needed to hear his voice in order to truly believe he was all right. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Yeah.”
“Can I see you tomorrow, then?”
“Yeah. I’ll be home.”
“Good.”
It was weird. We had basically been dating for months and yet never really talked on the phone. We had always been in close proximity to one another. At the most, we would text. I’m sure that was why the phone conversation was awkward. And then, of course, oh yeah, there was the emotional distress of the pregnancy between us.
***
Finn opted to stay the night in a hotel and not come home with the rest of the band and crew, so he could drive Hawk home the following day. The superstar called late-morning to tell us the specialist had been delayed and had only then come to examine Hawk and the images. Finn reassured me twice that everything was fine and said he would call again when they would be heading back.
I asked if there was anything I could do to help with any residual media effects of the accident. Because, of course, I had been obsessed all morning, searching online about any tidbit. Finn told me Reese had it covered. But, regardless, there wasn’t much to do because there wasn’t much out there. The concert site’s local press praised everyone on Team Murphy for not only keeping everyone safe but making sure the show did go on. And then there were the eye-witness cell phone videos posted online. It was hard to watch how close the equipment actually got to hitting Finn, followed within seconds by Hawk’s head-first fall off the stage. There were different angles of the event, but no one had video of Hawk on the ground in the first few rows of pit people. I wondered how long it took for him to get up, if he needed a stretcher, if…Lara made me stop watching. It wasn’t good for either of us.
After calling and confirming that Hawk would not need surgery, Finn said the two were going to start their couple-hour commute back. But because they stopped for something to eat, filled Hawk’s prescription, and dropped Hawk off at his townhome, the country singer only arrived back, via taxi, at dinner time. Lara greeted him with an extra-warm hug. Even though Finn hadn’t been hurt, I knew she had been concerned and wouldn’t feel one-hundred-percent better until she saw him in person.
I knew that feeling, too. While Chance and Arinn bounced at their parents’ sides, I cleared the dishes and waited my turn. I hadn’t heard from Hawk since the phone call the night before, and I was desperate to know.
Finn didn’t need me to ask. He just spoke. “He’s home. He’s waiting to take the pain pills because they knock him out. He wants to see you first.”
“Okay.” My shoulders relaxed on the fact that Hawk was home and he wanted to see me. “Is it all right if I take the Range Rover?”
“Yes, Maya.” Exasperated, Finn nearly cut my question off.
Lara, knowing my desperation, added, “Go!”
***
He didn’t answer the door as quickly as he had the last time I had been there. And there was no warm-hug greeting. Rationally, I attributed it to his lack of mobility. He was wearing a sling on his left arm, and I was sure with a fall like he took, he wasn’t ready to run a marathon. But another part of me, which I also considered rational, knew the lack of physical contact was most likely due to a different type of pain.
“Hi.”
“You all right?” His health was my top priority.
“It looks worse than it is. Unless I lie on this side. And then, well, it’s a toss-up—looks versus pain. Come on in.”
He shut the door behind us, and we walked silently back to the same family room where I had delivered the life-altering news just days before. Despite the slightest of limps, I didn’t see any external injuries. But I needed, for my own sanity, to know the extent. Part of me, after all, blamed myself for him being injured. Had he not been distracted with the baby reveal, would both he and Finn have been wound-free? Would he have gotten there sooner or not have slipped?
“Can I see?” I asked with a hint of trepidation.
Silently, he lifted the bottom of his black shirt and then the waistband of his blue sweats. A tremendous red-purplish bruise tattooed his entire side. It was possibly worse than I imagined, and the gasp that left my mouth said so.
He let the garments return to their natural place. “That’s the worst. My knee is just sore. And, of course, the shoulder is broken but will heal itself. Do you want to see that?” He started going toward the strap of the sling.
“No. No! Leave the sling in place. God….”
“If you blog about this, please make sure you tie in a Superman theme.”
I appreciated his effort at levity. I figured it was once again for my benefit. Because there was nothing funny about any of it.
Regardless, I tried to reciprocate. “Reese is taking care of it. Besides, you look more like the Thor type.”
And then there was awkward silence. Neither of us let our eyes venture from each other’s, though. The true pain in the room needed to be addressed.
“Maya…” he started.
But I knew it was on me. The entire situation was on me. So I had to be the one to begin.
“This is…it is all my fault.” By his set jaw, I could see he was set to argue my truth. But I wouldn’t let him. I plowed on. “Let…let me.” On his silent, if reluctant, agreement, I forged forward. “You don’t know this”—I took a step back and forth and back again, unable to keep still—“but my first reaction to finding out I was pregnant was anger. I was so mad. I was told something…I was made to believe something, and it wasn’t true. I went through so much heartache back then.” My gaze dipped momentarily toward the hardwood floor in remembrance. “Lara told me it is a miracle.” I managed to look back up at him, but I was still so anxious and sad. “I don’t really believe in those, though. My life hasn’t really let me believe in those. I called my doctor in Maryland.” I was rocking my feet from left to right, whereas Hawk was soldier-still. “I haven’t seen her since back then. There was no reason to, between the diagnosis and Jeff’s death. You know what she told me?” I hesitated only a split second, knowing he wouldn’t be able to answer. “I’m not the one who is infertile. It was Jeff.” Instead of their usual squint, I noticed Hawk’s eyes open slightly, and I continued speaking, needing to get the rest of the tale out. “I just hadn’t listened. I had run out of the office when she told us I couldn’t conceive. Jeff was going to explain everything, but I shut down. I was nearly suicidal.”
That time, Hawk’s eyes seemed to flash in concern, hearing the extent of my despondency back then. “Mai…”
“The more he tried to tell me, the more I shut down. He learned it was better to be quiet about it, and it was,” I admitted. “I was able to get myself to be me again. I was even willing to talk about other options. And then he died, and the truth never came out. This is my fault, Hawk. I want you to understand it is my fault.”
Having enough patience to let me conclude, he then took his turn. “But you believed what you told me…you couldn’t conceive.”
“Yes,” I responded right away. “Absolutely. One hundred percent. I wouldn’t do that to you.” I spoke the last sentence a little slower, wanting him to know my sincerity.
“Then none of it is your fault or anybody’s.”
“It…” I started to deny but then realized debating fault wouldn’t change the end result, anyway. “Regardless, it doesn’t matter. I heard what you said yesterday…when you were talking with Finn and Lara.” When his eyebrows furrowed, I clarified. “How I know how this is all going to play out and that you just haven’t told me. That’s just it, Hawk…you don’t have to. I’ll take this on. It’s my responsibility.” I had come to that conclusion and was just happy he was safe.
“What are you talking about?” His reply was quick. “I said, you think you know how this is going to play out. And I’m sorry you must have walked in just after the most important part of the conversation.”
“What?” My brain and voice were both tired, preparing for the inevitable letdown.
“When Lara asked if I had told you yet, I had just said how much I love you.”
My eyes seemed to be stuck on him. And my feet had somehow managed to stay still. My heart, though, was a flip-floppy mess. After a beat, my words came out in a whisper and a little bit of a hopeful plea. “You don’t have to say that.”
“Maya!” His voice contrasted mine and then, after an exhale, calmed slightly. “First of all, I’m not a guy who says those words very easily. And second, of course I do. I meant it when I said it on the phone when you were going into the storm cellar, I meant it yesterday, and I mean it now.”
What? I had never heard… We had never said…those words.
“You said it during the storm?”
“Yeah.” His eyes narrowed for a second. “I said it a couple ti— And then later? That night?” His eyes shifted around but his gaze didn’t leave mine, as I relived that crazy, stormy afternoon and the calm night afterward. “I thought you felt the same. I thought…”
He was putting himself out there, and I had to reciprocate. “I didn’t hear you on the phone. It kept breaking up. But Hawk, I do. Of course, I do. That’s what I was going to say on your mom’s porch…” I love you.
“Me…too,” he said, ever so slowly, just like he had on that porch in Oklahoma.
Knowing then that I had been right, and we had been on the same page at the same time just a few days before brought pure happiness to my heart. But it was quickly replaced by the fact that so much had also changed since then. Him telling me he loved me made the situation actually heartbreaking because we couldn’t have it all.
“But it doesn’t matter now with—”
“Maya?” he interrupted. “You want the baby, right?”
“Yeah. I mean, it’s a complete surprise, but yeah.”
“Did you ask me what I thought?”
“Hawk….” God, why torture me?
“Ask me.” His words were solid.
“I know how you feel,” I said. “We’ve talked about it—with your ex and even your step-mom….”
“Ask me, Maya.”
“I can’t.”
It would be the final confirmation of the end. And I wasn’t ready. Denial was an easier destination to travel to.
He shook his head twice and then bent his neck, so we were more directly in line with one another. And then he answered the question I couldn’t ask. “I want this baby as much as I want you. And that is more than anything in this world. I want it all. I want it with you.”
“But Oaklee said…” Until it was coming out of my mouth, I hadn’t realized how much her one little sentence to me in the convenience store had stuck in my soul.
“What?” He was too emotional to be mad, but I could see a bit of fury crease his face at the mention of his ex-wife’s name. “What did she say?”
“She said you can’t, or won’t, do happily-ever-after.”
“That’s because…” He paused, no doubt to make sure I had his undivided attention. “It’s because I never wanted it before…because it wasn’t right. But you walking into my life changed all that.”
Tears instantly invaded my eyes, as I listened to him say things I had refused to let myself even consider. “Please mean that.”
“Maya….” With his still healthy dominant right arm, he pulled me to his chest.
I heard him wince at the obvious physical pain my body pressing against his brought. And I knew I should let go, but I couldn’t. I liked feeling our hearts beating near one another’s. I liked feeling secure. I liked feeling loved.
I wasn’t downright sobbing, but tears were spilling across my cheeks. “I didn’t mean to, though.” Maybe because things were going so differently than I had scripted in my mind prior to arriving at the townhome, I still felt a need to clarify…to confirm. “I didn’t mean to get—”
“Stop saying that,” he commanded. “I don’t think that.” He kissed the top of my head. “I love you.”
“The doors just opened.”
“What?” Hawk asked, as he gently pulled me apart from him.
“When you walked out the other day,” I explained, looking at him once again. “I was okay for a little bit. I knew it was a lot to process. But when you didn’t come back and especially when I thought you were angry at Finn and Lara’s? Everything was closing in. I couldn’t breathe. There was no way out. Everything seemed to have plowed in so quickly. I may as well have been in that cellar or on the crowded elevator or in that car off the ravine.”
“Shit.”
I hadn’t said that to make him to feel bad, though. “But the doors just opened, Hawk.” I reiterated and wiped the last few straggler tears away.
“Stay with me,” was his response.
My brain, once again, had to pause, reverse…keep up with our very active and emotional conversation. “I have Finn’s car.” It was the first thing that came out of my mouth.
He did a half-huffy breath. “The man has a whole fleet of them. He can spare one.”
I knew that. Finn had told me that repeatedly. My answer was partially just a spontaneous reaction and partially needing that last confirmation that Hawk really did want me to stay.
“Yeah. I can stay tonight.” My first legitimate smile in days spread across my face, as I touched his whiskery one. “It will reassure me that you are really all right.”
“I am now.” Instead of touching my face, his hand went to my belly and our baby-to-be. I saw the reflection of my eyes glistening in his as he said, “And I wasn’t just talking about tonight. Maya, the other night, when you were here, I was going to ask you to move in with me. I couldn’t believe you were going to look at places or were even going to stay a little while with Finn and Lara. I wanted you here with me. And then…well, when you told me about the baby, I didn’t react well. I promise you it was just shock. It was a weird gut reaction. I’m sorry for making you doubt how I felt. I was just trying to figure out how I thought I couldn’t even dream of having all of that with you and there you were saying it was actually happening. It didn’t seem true. Remember what you told me the very first time I kissed you? You needed time to digest or…”
“Reflect. Appreciate,” I confirmed.
“Right. I just didn’t come back fast enough, like you did. That’s my fault. But I wanted you to move in with me then, and I absolutely still do. I would get down on one knee if I wasn’t hurting so bad and…I don’t have a ring. Plus, I really want to do that right…at the right time.”
Just when I thought I couldn’t get more emotional, he went and laid that on me. I know my mouth was open. If I tried to shut it with a vice grip, I don’t think it would have budged. I simply stared at him, and Hawk, already knowing me so well, knew to keep quiet and wait.
“Everything you just said?” I finally managed. “Yes. Yes, to tonight and moving in.” My cheeks rose in a smile. “But, Hawk, the other… the…” I didn’t even want to say “engagement” or “marriage,” not when I wasn’t convinced it was real or that it should be real. “Don’t do something out of obligation or because your dad didn’t. I—”
“Maya, neither could be further from the truth. I’m not my dad and that doesn’t even factor in to anything. How I feel and how you feel does. Period. Got it?” He spoke with resolve.
“Yeah. I just want you to be sure. And when it is the right time?” I realized my answer would be, “yeah.”