Lenora woke up with a light, tingly feeling in her stomach. What had happened last night? Oh, yes. Clay had happened. Her mind brought back the clear, dark sky filled with millions of stars, the mountains still, and yet awake with the night and Clay. She felt him again; his hands when he pulled her off the horse. His touch had been, like nothing she ever felt before. She had to hide her burning face; the thoughts going through her mind were way too much. What would she do to this man? Or maybe the better question would be; what would she not do to this man, given the chance? She tried to remember back to her ex-husband, she could not find the same sensation of pure desire in her memory. Had she ever felt so aroused? It was not even the arousal though, it was something more, a sort of deep attraction that seemed to draw her into him and the mountains and horses. Was this man somehow connected to the very energetic wholeness of Bear Dance Ranch and the mountains? She knew the horses felt a deep sense of safety and rightness when they were with him, and she felt the same way. It was as if he would not wrong her any more than a boulder on the mountain or a branch on a spruce.
Well, could she really trust this feeling? She had been misled by men before, yes, this was true, but more than that she had been deluded by her own heart. That was truly the worst feeling in the world. Her very own heart had led her into a very painful relationship where nothing good had come. Was that really true though? She had learned some things about herself; she had learned not to be so trusting. Lenora wished, not for the first time, that her mother had shared a little more about her own experiences with Lenora’s father.
What must that have been like for her mother to have left the man who fathered her? She had left behind her whole family as she moved east to the city and slowly forged a new life for herself. That must have taken spunk, will and determination, Lenora thought. Her mother truly was an inspiration; she had raised Lenora, put herself through college and a master’s degree program, then directed a very prominent theater company. She was a woman who had not looked back with regret, Lenora thought, but now that she was gone Lenora realized there were so many things she had never gotten around to asking her mother.
She found herself wondering if perhaps her own mother, whom she imagined as a combination of Superwoman and Charlotte Bronte, might have in fact made a mistake with a guy, Lenora’s cowboy dad, and, having chosen wrongly, or at least having trusted her heart and been led astray, if she had decided to stop trusting. Was this what her mother felt? Was that not the worst human thing possible, to stop trusting one’s own instincts? It seemed so hugely unfair that her own mother had never been able to move beyond her man-mistake and trust and love again.
Lenora rolled over in bed, sober with the thoughts of her own life’s twisted journey and what she was learning along the way. She felt a little guilty questioning her own mother’s motives to not open her heart again after the sad failure with Lenora’s father. Should she question her mother who had so obviously been successful in life? Was having a wonderful job, well raised child and lovely home enough to compensate for never really giving love another chance?
Then she had the very sad thought, maybe it’s just a fling for Clay? Or even worse; maybe it was nothing at all. Maybe he was just lonely and bored. Who knows with that man, just because he’s good with horses does not make him the perfect boyfriend. She had heard plenty of stories from her mother about the cowboys with their girlfriends in each town. Perhaps he thought she was just here at the ranch for a little stay and it would be fun to have a quick romance.
She sighed, enough thinking in bed, the day had started without her, and there was a great deal to do before hungry people would be expecting breakfast. Lenora knew her personal weakness was her own ability to overthink life, love and everything in-between.
After breakfast, while cleaning horse stalls— she always had her best insight while cleaning up after these messy animals— she realized that she did not really care if the cowboy was just playing her. She was going to be as brave as she could, given the circumstances, and just follow the sweet breath of mountain air and see what came of this thing that was stirring between them.
At that moment Clay came down the aisle of the barn with a sweaty horse and a big smile for her. He swept his hat off, and, after checking that no one was looking, he swooped down for a kiss that made Lenora unable to wipe the silly smile from her face.
“Would you go away with me for a few days?” Clay said.
“Where?” Lenora said.
“There’s a three or four day ride up into the mountains. It winds around some. But we could check the fence in the north pasture and also along the alpine meadows,” Clay said. “For the summer grazing, you know?”
“Yes,” Lenora said.
The single word answer had left her mouth before she even realized that she wanted to go. Well, so much for being careful!
“I’ll speak to your uncle about it. I know he wants me to get up there to check the fence pretty soon anyway,” Clay said. He looked down at his boots for a moment. “Glad you’re coming this year.” He said the last part quickly, his voice a low rush of words.
Then he led his horse off to get a bath. Lenora went back to cleaning her stall, feeling a little dizzy. After chores she went in the house to get another cup of coffee and found Annie sitting at her desk with a letter in her lap. As soon as Lenora appeared her aunt pushed the letter under a stack of papers.
“What’s wrong?” Lenora said.
“Nothing we haven’t faced before.” Annie looked grim.
She did not elaborate and Lenora poured herself the last cup of coffee and started another pot, knowing the men would be coming in soon enough for refills.
“You know, I have a little money from selling mom’s house. Maybe I can help?” Lenora said.
“Oh, no. It will be fine. We always get through these rough spots. We haven’t reached the point yet where we have to become one of those dude ranches or sell to the developers,” Annie said.
Lenora blew on her coffee to cool it, and then added a teaspoon of coconut oil to the cup. She was right to assume that her aunt and uncle were having money trouble. She could only imagine how expensive the taxes alone must be on this big of a spread. A dude ranch? What would that be like, she thought.
Looking out the kitchen window Lenora saw the old bunkhouses with their rusted roofs and log exteriors, bleached nearly white from the wind and cold, with new eyes. She knew how trendy it was to stay in the mountains on a real, working ranch and eat beef from the ranges, ride horses, hike, go rock climbing. She wondered how bad exactly the finances were. Really, it was not her place to try and step in with a solution. Who knew how long she would even stay at the ranch? Her throat tightened with the thought of trying to go back to her old life. Well, going back was not an option; her old life was pretty well gone, no mother, no husband and no job. She took a large gulp of coffee to get her mind off the past. Bear Dance Ranch, here, now, this was her life. She would help with the money problems if they would let her.
***
That night at dinner, as the large, gluten-free yeast rolls that Lenora had baked that afternoon were passed around the table, Clay brought up the trip.
“I think I need to head up and check those fences. Better do it now before we start moving the herds to the summer pastures. I’d like to take Lenora with me and show her the real beauty of this place,” Clay said.
Lenora thought she saw a look pass between her aunt and uncle, but was not sure if her overactive imagination was responsible for her suspicion or not. She kept her own head down and concentrated on her roasted Brussel sprouts and baby portabellas. It was strange to feel like a teenager sneaking out on a date. Not that this was a date! She hurried to stifle that thought before anything else could come of it.
“That sounds about perfect. We’ve got all the calves on the ground and it’s about time to let them eat some fresh, green grass. When will you go?” Uncle Byron said.
“We better go tomorrow, there’s clear weather up at the pass for the next few days, don’t know when that might change,” Clay said.
“Bring lots of layers. You never know when it might snow,” Annie said. “Will you take Major? Is he ready?”
“He’s ready,” both Lenora and Clay said at the same time.
Lenora wondered if her aunt and uncle heard the floorboards creak as she snuck out of the house at night for her moonlight adventures. Should she just tell them? But really, there was nothing to tell! She was a grown-ass woman who had kissed a grown-ass man, and that was it. It was not like they were getting married or even dating.