Bright sunshine woke Lenora. She rolled over in bed and realized she was alone. Her whole body ached deliciously. She wanted nothing more than to lie in his arms and luxuriate in the night they had just shared. Where was he, she wondered. A cold lump was forming in her stomach, she pushed it away. She got up and searched for her clothes and found a note on his nightstand.
Nora,
I’m so sorry to leave you, but one of my old training horses is collicing, so I have to take her to the vet hospital. Stay in bed, I’ll be back!
C
How she wished she could stay in bed, but the day was fully underway. More than anything she wanted to talk with Clay a little more. She needed to hear from him again how he felt about her, before they dove back into their headlong love affair. Well, it might be a little late for that, she thought, as she examined a bite mark on her neck. Thankfully, she could wear a turtleneck this time of year.
Standing in the kitchen putting together a breakfast of fresh strawberries and steel cut oatmeal, Lenora realized she had not called her father to thank him for coming to the Christmas party. Just then the phone rang, she picked it up to hear Amos’s voice on the other end.
“Hi, Nora. I’ve got a mare that’s going to foal tonight, and I wondered if you’d like to come and watch?” Amos said.
“Yes,” Lenora answered. “That sounds amazing, what time should I come over?”
“Maybe around nine o’clock tonight,” Amos paused. “It’s hard to say when that mare will decide it’s the right time. But I suspect it won’t be before it gets good and dark.”
“I’ll be there,” Lenora said. “Oh no! I have to go. I’m about to burn breakfast.”
All day Lenora had been restless, hoping Clay would drive back from the vet hospital. Of course, she thought, he had left his cell phone sitting on the kitchen counter next to the coffee pot. She waited as long as she could before taking the truck over to do foal watch with Amos. She was careful to look for elk along the east bend of the river. Clay had told her the bulls liked to bring their herds down to water after dark. Playing with the radio dial, she finally gave up and hooked up her phone to the truck stereo and found her old playlists waiting like forgotten friends. Jack Johnson seemed perfect for tonight.
Lights were on in the horse barn when she pulled off the main road. The truck bounced through the snow-rutted drive to the ranch. Before getting out, Lenora pulled on her heavy coat, a silk wild rag and hat. Sitting around in a cold barn all night would definitely give her a chill if she did not dress properly. Amos met her at the barn door. His quick smile went straight to his hazel eyes. Even though she had hugged him at Christmas, they were not quite familiar enough to touch on everyday occasions. Low-light lit the foaling stall. A very pregnant mare stood eating hay. The horse lifted her head to give Lenora a steady look and then went back to the alfalfa.
“Stella is a pretty darn good broodmare,” Amos said. “Back in the day, she was really something on the rodeo circuit.”
“Has she had a foal before?” Lenora said.
“Oh, yes. A few,” Amos said. “She’s a good producing mare and easy to work around. A colt of hers sold a few years ago for more than a new dually truck.”
“I’ve never seen a foal be born before,” Lenora confided.
“Well, it’s more waiting around than anything else,” Amos said. “Mares can pick the time of the birth. It’s a survival mechanism so that in the wild they can deliver their babies when it’s safe and not when some hungry mountain lion is stalking them. So, that means Momma here will have this foal when she wants and not a moment before.”
Lenora sat in a camping chair and Amos in another. He oiled old bridles, and Lenora tried to read the book she had brought. After a few minutes of reading the same page over and over, she put the book down and worked on menus. What she really needed to do was talk to Clay. Yet the next group of guests were coming to the ranch soon, and she needed to make shopping lists. Last night had been so amazing, she wanted nothing more than to be back in bed with Clay, warm and safe in his arms.
Close to midnight the mare left her hay munching to wander around the stall and lay down. Excited that the delivery might commence, Lenora stood.
“Better not,” Amos said. “We don’t want her to think we are interested.”
“Okay,” Lenora sat down and tried to get back into the book again.
The mare stood back up and began eating hay. Lenora sighed. This was worse than she had expected, and she was tired from her long day.
“How’s Clay doing?” Amos said.
“He’s fine,” Lenora said. “Why do you ask?”
“I just thought things might be changing,” Amos said. “For the two of you.”
“Well they aren’t,” Lenora said. “I really wish people would stop assuming that we are going to end up together. A lot of couples don’t work out. I know that. You should know that too. You and mom didn’t work out!”
Amos was quiet, and Lenora realized that her tone had been too sharp, and her words were out of line.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so rude,” Lenora said. “I guess I’ve been on edge a little about Clay lately. I just don’t know what to think.” If only he had not had to leave that morning before she woke.
“I know you must think I’m out of place to ask about your life, after all these years. It wasn’t my choice just so you know, I wanted Maura to stay. She probably made the right choice taking you away. I know that now. I wasn’t much of a man back then.” He rested the headstall of a bridle on his knee and looked up to meet Lenora’s eyes.
“What happened?” Lenora asked. “I’ve wanted to know for a long time. But I didn’t know how to ask.”
“Your mom had dreams. Big dreams. And the grit to see them through. I was young and thought she should give up her dreams to let me pursue mine. Well, she thought that was pretty stupid and told me to my face. I let her leave with you, like the idiot cowboy I was back then, I thought she’d come crawling back when she ran out of money. She never did though, and my pride got in the way for a long time and so I never went to find the two of you,” Amos looked at his hands. “Not my greatest moment, letting my woman and baby drive off for the big city all on their own.”
There was a long silence as Lenora took in the missing pieces from her past.
“I did try and come find you,” Amos continued. “Eventually. Just so you know. I wasn’t a complete coward. But it was too late by then. Your mom had made up her mind about me and didn’t want some ragtag cowboy holding her back.”
“Wow,” Lenora said. “I guess I had no idea that you even knew about me. She made it sound like I was the product of too much whisky and fun. Mom was always vague about the whole situation, like it was just the two of us, and that was all we needed. So, you saw me when I was a baby?”
“I sure did. You had the most beautiful smile, like the whole world was just pure magic, and you loved all of it,” Amos said. He reached in the breast pocket of his coat and pulled out his wallet and then handed Lenora a faded photograph.
She saw her mother in bell bottoms and cowboy boots. Her hair a big frizz of curls around her face. Amos had a ridiculously long mustache and held a baby with its fist in the air. She had no idea there even existed an image of her with both her parents. How strange to be looking back on a time that she had no memory of, she thought, and yet she had imagined over and over for most of her life. Her eyes filled with tears. She had no idea if they were for her mother, whom she missed every day, or her father who she was just starting to realize loved her. Maybe, she thought, they were for her; she felt equal parts lost and found by this picture of the past.
The rustle of straw as the mare laid down brought Lenora back to the present. Quickly, she wiped at her eyes with the sleeve of her barn coat.
“She’s having that foal,” Amos whispered.
Quietly, they both stood and made their way to the stall. The mare with sweat-dampened chest, rolled onto her side just as a delicate leg, still housed in the gray, amniotic sack, appeared under her tail. The mare trashed around in the straw and took deep breaths. Then both of her hind legs stiffened as another contraction shuddered through her body. A head appeared and then another leg, with one final push, the foal’s shoulders were through the birth canal. The rest of the body slipped onto the straw-covered floor of the stall.
“Go in quietly and pet the Momma on the shoulder,” Amos said. “And then pull that sack away from the baby’s nose.”
Lenora hesitated for a moment, afraid to enter the stall and disrupt the beautiful moment. But Amos was insistent. “Go on now. Go steady.”
The mare raised her head as Lenora entered the stall. Lenora carefully let the horse sniff her hands, before kneeling next to the bundle of legs and pulling the slippery amniotic sack from the delicate nostrils of the foal. As she laid both of her hands on the tiny ribcage, she felt a deep breath shudder thought the tiny body. The foal lifted her head and the legs kicked with life. The foal was perfectly alive and a filly.
After the little filly had wobbled her way to standing she nuzzled around her mother’s udder to find the first gulps of thick colostrum. Lenora and Amos headed back to his trailer for a few hours of sleep before dawn. He had carefully made up his bed with clean, plain white sheets for her and a makeshift cot for himself in the living room. She was touched by his attempts to be a good father, even though she was far from childhood. Maybe, just maybe, she thought, it was not too late to have a father.
Bright sunlight was streaming in the window when she rolled over. It took her a moment to realize that she was in her father’s trailer. She remembered back to the birthing of the foal the night before and the revelation of her parents’ relationship mishaps. Feeling stiff and still very tired, she hunted for her phone on the floor in the pocket of her jeans, it was already 10 a.m. There were two missed calls from Clay, but when she tried him back his phone went straight to voicemail. Not unusual, she reminded herself, in the mountains, with so many no-service areas.
Outside the trailer a brisk wind lifted the loose curls from her forehead, and the smell of mud, churned up by the pen of heifers, filled her nose. Amos was inside the barn cleaning the birthing stall. He smiled when he saw her enter the dim barn. As her eyes adjusted to the low light of the barn, she saw the foal had filled out during the night. Her small body was already becoming round as the rich milk from her dam fleshed out her sides.
“She’s a real beauty,” Amos said. “Don’t you think?”
“Yes,” Lenora replied. “She is. I love the perfect blaze on her little face.”
They were silent watching the mare gently nuzzle her foal as the little filly began to nurse.
“Thanks for letting me come over and be a part of this,” Lenora said. “And thanks for telling me about you and Mom. I never knew any of that. I wish she would have opened up to me more about the past. That’s one thing I guess I’m still mad at her about, for holding so much of the past from me.”
“I bet she only did it to keep you safe,” Amos said. “She was like a momma bear with you even when you were just a tiny thing. She wanted nothing but the best for you, and I’m sure she knew how hard a life ranching is and wanted something better. Don’t blame her, Lenora.”
“I know. I’m not trying to complain. I just sometimes wish that I could have known the whole story. What if I could have come out here for the summers? Stayed with you and Byron and Annie?”
“I don’t know. She had her reasons, I’m sure,” Amos said.
Before she could change her mind, Lenora leaned in and hugged her father, pitchfork and all.
Halfway back to Bear Dance Ranch, she stopped at a little gas station. The rust-bitten sign for diesel fuel was swinging in the kicked-up wind. As Lenora pushed through the glass door, a little bell rang, and the cashier turned towards the light. Lenora thought for a moment the small woman with braids was Susan from the airport. How strange the mind acted with lack of sleep, she thought. The stand with fresh brewed coffee was right next to the cash register; Lenora poured herself a big cup and then paid.
“Long night?” The dark-eyed cashier said.
“Yes,” Lenora said. “A foal was born. A little filly.”
“What color?” The lady said.
“Chestnut with a white blaze,” Lenora replied.
“That’s a good omen to be sure,” The lady said. “The fire mare. I bet she’ll bring new beginnings to everyone who touches her life.”
Lenora pressed back out into the sunshine. Her last year had been filled with new beginnings. What more could change? Clay. Instantly, her mind was filled with the smell of him as they lay in the cave after making love. She stopped with her hand on the door of the truck. To lay with him again, she thought, to not fear the future and just love him, that would be a welcome change. Crystal was a thing of the past. All that stood in the way of the two of them trying to forge a future together was Lenora’s own worries and fears.
She pulled the truck door open and headed home.
Suzie met her as she climbed out of the truck, whining and wanting her ears scratched. Lenora pulled her coat and gloves on and then turned to see Jesse running towards her from the barn.
“They took him to the hospital,” Jesse gasped. “Annie said you should come.”
“What?” Lenora said. “Took who? Who did they take?”
“Clay. That two year old colt flipped over on him, and he got all banged up. It was a hell of a wreck, Lenora. Really, really bad,” Jesse said. He was white-faced, his brows pinched in the middle.
No, please don’t let this be happening. But it was happening. She climbed back in the truck and roared down the dirt road. The day had gone from beautiful sunshine to sharp daylight; the kind that does not leave any life unexamined. The miles were slow to slip by, even as she pushed the truck to new speeds on the winding roads. Finally, she forced herself to drop the speedometer needle below fifty-five mph and take a couple of deep breaths. From a logical standpoint, she knew there was nothing she could do to help Clay. This was not her area of expertise; she was helpless when faced with a broken body.
Close to the lake, she gained cell phone service and fumbled with her phone.
“Lenora?” Annie said.
“How is he?” She tried to make her voice sound calm.
“We don’t know. Byron is trying to get some news from the duty nurses, but we really don’t know anything.”
“I’m coming. I just passed the first turn off to the lake so I’ll be there soon,” Lenora said.
“Please be careful. I know you haven’t slept much, and I don’t want you driving fast.”
“I’m going slow now. I promise.”
Her mind was clear and her body rigid with fear. Maybe before her mother’s diagnosis, she would have believed that nothing bad could ever really touch her. After the disease, death and lonely pain, Lenora knew all too well that she was not safe; no one was. Clay was human, and, like her mother, could leave the world with speed and little fanfare. Lenora had lost faith in the invisible safety net she once believed kept those she loved safe.
By the time she locked the truck doors in the hospital parking lot, her hands were shaking so badly she could hardly hit the button on the key fob. Please let him be okay, please let him be okay, she repeated over and over in her mind. Multiple times during the rushed drive, she had tried to picture Clay smiling, sitting astride Moon, his teeth flashing white and hair tousled by the wind. Each time she had the image just right it would split and splinter, and she would instead see him broken on the ground, his face pale as late winter snow and eyes closed to the world.
At the entrance to the hulking, sandstone building Lenora had to force herself to stop and read the sign. She hated hospitals. The last thing she wanted was to be lost. At the Emergency Room Desk, the nurse took an eternity to check the computer screen before sending Lenora up to the Surgery Floor. Once again, she waited as another nurse stared at another monitor before being escorted back to a small waiting room. The walls were decorated with outdated prints of cowboys and skinny looking horses. There were no windows.
Annie jumped up from a tan chair and rushed over to wrap both her arms around Lenora. Byron engulfed both women in his big arms. He kissed Lenora on top of her head, as was becoming his custom. Within the warm embrace of safety, Lenora felt her throat close and the first tears fill her eyes.
As everyone separated Annie said: “He’s in surgery. We don’t know anything except a concussion, collapsed lung and a lot of internal bleeding. There may be more we just don’t know yet.”
“What happened?” Lenora said.
“That Pritcher Lady brought over a colt that had been acting up. Clay worked with it for a while and then got on.” Annie said. “The horse reared and went over backwards. Landed right on him.”
“Oh, Clay,” Lenora whispered.
Byron was silent and deep lines were etched on either side of his mouth. Annie looked older, too, Lenora thought, she felt her heart start up an irregular fast beat.
After more coffee than was advisable and a lot of sitting and pacing and sitting again, all three were close to giving up hope.
“Maybe it’s good it’s taking so long?” Annie said.
“I’m sure you’re right.” Lenora fidgeted with a piece of torn skin on her finger.
Byron was silent. He sat with his hands on his knees and his gray, felt hat hooked over his thumbs. He met Lenora’s eyes. There was something scared and young looking in his expression even though his face had aged during the long, horrible day. Lenora knew Clay was the son Byron had never fathered.
How silly her fear of betrayal seemed, she realized, as she stared potential loss in the face. Somehow, she always thought she and Clay would end up back together. Mistakenly, she had imagined they had all the time in the world to reconcile. Time was fluid, and like the river next to Bear Dance Ranch, it sometimes ran slow and languid and other times ran over its banks with urgency.
She knew she had been a fool not to tell Clay she loved him.
The surgeon appeared in blue scrubs with a mask dangling around his neck. He looked tired in the harsh light, and his glasses had a smear mark on them.
“Mr. and Mrs. Ranvier? I’m Doctor Clark. Clay is resting, he’s not awake yet, but he will be soon. He had a pretty long surgery, but I’m hopeful that we’ve fixed him up pretty well. He should be just as good as new, with a lot of rest and physical therapy.”
Lenora felt her whole body implode with relief. She felt so dizzy that she quickly sat down, skittering the plastic chair across the linoleum and making a horrible screeching noise. Her aunt rested her hand on Lenora’s shoulder as she tried to listen again.
“…Punctured lungs, which can lead to fluid buildup. The right ulnar was fractured in two places, but the titanium plate will secure the bone,” Dr. Clark said. “You can all make your way over to recovery, and you can see him very soon.”
Lenora felt warm relief filter slowly through her body. It felt like hot tea after a cold afternoon outside in the wind and snow. Now, she thought, if only she could quiet the frightened voice in her head, the one that was reliving the terrible afternoon as her mother slipped from this world.
A brisk lady with a tablet computer in her hand appeared and led the three of them to the recovery rooms. She pulled back one blue sheeted area and there lay Clay, his face was pale and black hair damp on his forehead. Lenora stood frozen as her aunt and uncle gently touched his hands and face. He was dressed in a blue hospital gown with white strips. Her eyes traveled over him, trying to access the damage to the rest of his body.
She had the overwhelming urge to curl up with him on the upright bed, just wrap her arms around his broken body and make the past six months disappear. In reality though, she stood just outside the curtain and watched as he slowly opened his eyes. Her aunt started to cry as she brushed Clay’s black hair back from his face. Byron was smiling and holding Clay’s undamaged hand, and they all looked so happy and relieved. Lenora could not believe her own fear was still so heavy in her chest. He was looking around her aunt and uncle; he found her eyes with his own. Clay’s half smile was slow but steady, and her heart nearly broke with her own foolishness. Why, she wondered, had she not let herself fully love this man?