He was waiting for her at the baggage claim. His hands were shoved in his jeans pockets, and he had his hat hooked on his thumb. It was the most awkward Lenora had ever seen him, and yet he looked more sexy and gorgeous to her than ever before. He saw her walking towards him, and gave her his half smile making her heart lurch with the violence of a colt just out of the bucking chute. She realized, as she got closer, his eyes were guarded. She wondered what he had come to say to her.
When she reached him, he had already found her bag, then he led the way through the crowded airport.
As they stepped outside he turned to her. “How was your trip?”
“It was really good. So nice to see all my old friends.”
She had no idea what else to say. Small talk was not her strength, and certainly not Clay’s either.
They were both silent as they walked across the sky bridge, and into the parking garage. He held the door to his truck for her and she slid inside and felt the familiar cracked, vinyl bench seat. He got behind the wheel and carefully maneuvered the truck out of the busy garage and onto the freeway. It was not until they left the city behind that he spoke.
“I should have told you about my son. I should have told you more about Crystal.”
“I don’t know what to say… why? Why didn’t you?”
“I guess,” he paused. “I guess I thought it would be bad luck.”
“What?” Lenora said. She was getting mad.
“Bad luck? Well, I’ll tell you what is bad luck; to have your ex-wife show up when your new girlfriend is making dinner! Or, if I’m not your girlfriend, then your little friend-with-benefits, or whatever the hell I am!” She forced herself to lower her voice. She was not sure exactly why she was mad. Maybe it had something to do with feeling very vulnerable. She would have stayed mad, but somehow the tears started to come. Clay was already pulling the truck off the freeway. He did not say anything until they turned down a dirt road, and the hills silently welcomed them. Lenora faced away from him, looking out the window and willing herself to stop. She did not want his pity. As silly, and completely unattainable, as it was, she wished that she had met Clay before she had married Mick. She wished, for that long and painful moment, that she could have been Clay’s first wife. Even while she logically knew how silly and destructive this thought was, she could not shake it from her mind. Perhaps she was overcompensating due to seeing Mick over the weekend. For so long she had been more hurt than angry, and now here was anger. Anger over her poor choices, and now she was blaming Clay for his choices. She wiped at her eyes, embarrassed by her thoughts and thankful he could not see inside her head.
“Please look at it from my point of view,” Clay begged.
Lenora was not really listening. She felt him slide across the seat and pull her around to face him. He smoothed the hair back from her face, but she did not look up to meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m just as scared of this as you are. I’ve lost people, too, don’t you see? I didn’t know what to do that night at the bar. You were acting so angry,” he said.
He ran his hands down her back, across her shoulders. It felt so good for him to touch her, she thought.
“I’m sorry I got so mad,” Lenora said.
She knew her face was a mess; she had put makeup on for the airport. He put his thumb under her chin, and gently lifted. She met his eyes and saw that he looked tired. Heavy lines framed his mouth.
“Lenora, I don’t know how to tell Crystal ‘no’ when she comes around asking for help, she’s still hurting from the baby and our divorce,” Clay said. “I just feel like it’s my duty to help her, if I can. You should know though, I don’t want her anymore as my lover. We haven’t been like that in a long while.”
He took a deep breath and kissed her forehead.
“Also, you and me aren’t just ‘friends-with-benefits.’ How can you say that?” Clay’s eyes were deep brown and his voice low.
“I don’t want to get hurt,” Lenora said. “I’m finally feeling like I might live again. And then I meet you and it’s all this raw emotion all over. I just want to be okay.”
“You think I want to get hurt?” Clay said. “I don’t need that any more than you do. You can waltz onto the ranch, and then out as you please. I’ve made a promise to your uncle, and I intend to keep it.”
Lenora looked up at him and saw that he spoke the truth. His eyes looked vulnerable.
“What promise did you make my uncle?” She asked.
“That I’d stick around and help him. That I wouldn’t go off rodeoing and chasing girls,” Clay said. “When I was younger all I wanted to do was to go rodeo. And I did, a lot. But when I started working for your uncle, he helped me with so many things. You know? Kind of looked after me. Hell, Annie stitched me up after this one event where that damn steer broke my rib and sliced down my side. You know the scar.”
She did. She could remember seeing it flicker white across his ribs in the light of the fire, on their first night in the mountains.
She breathed in the scent of him: leather, mint and honey.
“Are you coming back to pack?” He asked.
“No, I’m coming back to stay. I decided that a few days into my trip. No matter what happens,” Lenora said.
“Good,” Clay responded
“I want us to be friends,” Lenora said. “Clay, I want us to be able to work together. Do you really feel okay about me trying to do the guest ranch thing?”
“We have to save the ranch,” he said. “I’m okay with it. Just none of that stupid, city slickers stuff.”
“How about the Nature Conservancy?” She said.
“Yes, I’m good with all of it. Really.” Clay said.
He looked right at her. She thought he could read all her tumbling emotions in her eyes, and so she glanced away— putting distance between them without moving an inch. It was now or never, she realized.
“I think we should be only friends,” She said.
She had imagined this moment all the way back on the plane. Just thinking about being so close to him every day and yet not being able to reach out and touch him made her feel cold inside. What if their hands were to brush as they passed a bridle for a horse or a plate at dinner? What would she tell her troubled heart, as it lurched to life only to be stalled by her resolute mind? She did not know, but she did know that she wanted this new family she had found. She wanted it with her whole being and Clay was part of that family, and she would not lose him, nor all the rest of it due to silly lust. She had been lonely; he had been lonely. They had found each other in their time of need. But really, when it came right down to it, she would rather be his friend and business partner forever than lose him due to a few nights of hot sex.
“Friends?” He said, pulling her out of her reverie. He looked stunned. “I would rather not lose you or my new family because of sex,” she said.
“You don’t have to lose anything,” he said. “Just stay. Don’t leave the ranch.”
“I’m not. I told you. But I want us to be able to work together. I need you, Clay,” Lenora said. Her heart was pounding, so she hurried on. “To make this whole ranch transformation happen.”
“Friends, huh?” He said. He was looking at his hands. It was hard to swallow.
“Look, I want to make this work,” she said. “Okay? I want all of us to be able to live together. I’m sorry it ever went so far.”
“Really? You’re sorry?” Clay said. He reached up and ran his hands through his hair.
“I think you’re overreacting,” Clay said. “We’re good for each other. Can’t you see that?”
Lenora bit her lip, hard. Now was not the time to go soft and let him know that she had her own doubts. She had to look out the window; she was so far from sorry. She would treasure those nights in the mountains forever. He was putting the truck in gear and pulling onto the highway. She carefully kept her eyes on the window, trying to only see the beauty of the wild countryside as they ascended the mountain road. He did not say anything else the rest of the ride home. Carefully, furtively she glanced at him from the corner of her eye; his jaw was clenched and worked from side to side. When they stopped in front of the ranch house he turned to her, his eyes full of questions
“Are you sure?” Clay said. His lips clamped around the words as they left his mouth.
“Yes,” she said.
“Please look me in the eyes, Lenora.”
She did, unsure if he could see past her determination to make it all work out. She wondered if he could see all the way to where her deep sadness lay like a pool of still water.
His eyes were so intense that she felt dizzy for a moment. She had to look away, and when she glanced out the windshield of the truck she saw the first snowflakes begin to fall. Winter was coming.
“Ok. I guess this is how you want it,” Clay said.
“Thanks for the ride,” Lenora said. She felt ridiculous but did not know what else to say. Part of her desperately wanted to prolong their time alone in the isolation of the truck.
“Yeah, sure,” Clay said.
He moved first and was out of the truck with the grace and ease of movement she so admired. His back was straight as he walked away to the barns and fields and open spaces she knew he loved. Annie came out on the porch wearing a heavy cardigan. Lenora quickly swallowed the lump in her throat and grabbed her bag before stepping out to hug her aunt.
“Oh, I missed you!” Annie said.
“Me too. I’m back, though. And we have a few months to get this guest ranch going,” Lenora said.
“Oh, good! So, you really are staying?” Annie said.
“Yes. Everyone keeps asking that,” Lenora said.
“What about you and Clay? Oh, wait come inside. I’m being too nosey, and it’s cold out here,” Annie said.
“We are good friends,” Lenora said. “That’s what’s best for both of us really.”
Annie held the door, and Lenora felt a great sense of home as she walked into the ranch house. A fire was burning in the great hearth, and she could smell spiced apple cider. Suzie came over to sniff her bags, and to be scratched behind the ears.
“You and Clay decided this?” Annie said.
“Yeah, we did,” Lenora said.
“Ok, then.” Annie gave her a piercing look but said no more.
Her aunt poured hot cider while Lenora went to her room and changed into some comfortable pants and an oversized sweater. She felt tired and wanted to lie down, but knew her aunt would want to hear about her trip and she could use the distraction. Thinking about Clay and her own iron-willed decision right now might lead her to second guess herself and go running out to find her cowboy and plead with him to please love her forever. No reason to dwell in her own thoughts tonight.