I drove for thirty minutes to get here, to this tranquil place after leaving that woman’s apartment, somewhere I don’t come all too often, yet today I felt like I needed to. I have a million conflicting emotions and thoughts that brought me here, and now I am. I’m too ashamed to stand before them. I stare at my parents' graves, laid side by side, yet no tears come as I expected them while driving here. I'm aching for them after the day I’ve had, feeling lost and like everything is spiraling out of control, and I don’t have a grip on anything anymore.
I lay the bouquets I stopped to buy on the way here in front of them and bend to dust off the dark grey marble stones. Stopping to touch the faces in the pictures indented into the shiny surfaces hurts as much as it always did. I’ve never faced the grief and allowed myself to mourn them fully, but I don’t know how to start.
Contrary to how I behaved in front of Claire White, I know things are disintegrating, and my war with Jyeon will worsen. This is only the beginning. The Park family is falling apart, and whatever choice is made tomorrow will change everything from here on in. How I feel about mother, Jyeon… this mess, I can’t undo any of it. I talked big in front of that girl, but I had no real confidence in the outcome. She seems like the type to put him first, but Jyeon will never back down if I go to him with this.
“If you saw who I’ve become….. would you still be proud of me?” I lower my head and stare at my feet, self-hatred flushing my face and warming my cheeks. My insides contract as pain in my heart winces.
“I’ve tried so hard. I did everything they asked of me. So why do I still feel so empty inside? Why does it feel like the uphill battle never ends and gets steeper? I don’t know how much longer I can climb.”
I carefully lean down and change from standing to kneeling in front of them, hands trembling with the cold air, my lack of appropriate clothing, and my inner distress.
“If you were still here, would it be like this? Would I be like this? Mom…. would I have turned out this way if you were the gentle force in my life when I needed someone so badly? I feel like I’ve let you both down. I look in the mirror, and I don’t remember me back then. I don’t remember how it was to be truly loved as a daughter, as a child.” A tear finally wells up in my eye and brazenly rolls down my cheek, opening the beginning of a floodgate.
“Jyeon just wants to be happy in his own way, yet……. I can’t let him do that. I can’t let him leave me… Everything I hold onto is connected to him. Mother will make my life worthless; I’ll have to live with the shame of divorce and failure…….OLO, how can we both work there after this? Tell me what to do. I don’t know what to do.” The shivers turn to violent shakes as my body temperature cools quickly, and a cold breeze moves in that seems to cut through the cloth of my suit. My nose starts running, yet my focus is entirely on them and how much I wish they were here.
“I threatened a girl today with destroying her life. I threatened Jyeon with the same thing. And if they fight me on it, I’ll have no choice but to follow through. Because that’s who I am, who they made me be.” I slip from my knees to my ass ungracefully as more tears start to fall in silent sadness, and the hopeless despair of earlier starts to show face deep within. Curling my fingers into damp cold grass and ripping strands out with carelessness.
“I’m so tired, momma….. There’s only a little bit of me left inside, and I’m scared that if I do this, I’ll be completely snuffed out. I can’t not fight back. Everything hinges on it. Even if he hates me and never forgives me, I can live with that. I can’t live without him being there. What am I supposed to do if Jyeon goes? It’s all you ever prepared me for. It’s all she prepared me for. What am I supposed to do if it all goes away?”
The sad realization that from an early age, despite my intelligence, gifts, and bright rosy future, all I ever was to all of them was the womb to carry on the legacy of our family's heritage—the support for their chosen son to be king of our empire. I can logically see it mapped out and hate it, but it doesn’t change how it feels inside. I’m an object, a tool, and my inability to let Jyeon go is connected entirely to the sense of worth they instilled in me from a young age. Without him, I have no purpose and can’t function alone.
“I’m scared. Of what choice he makes. Maybe because deep down, I know I’ve already lost, and he was never going to see me how I see him. How do I face the world after that? How do I hold my chin up and carry on? It’s like a giant black mark of not being good enough that I’ll have to bear while he swans off into the horizon with the possibility of a new life and real happiness and love. Don’t I deserve that too?”
I drop my chin against my chest and shake my head, more droplets of water rolling down my nose and then chin before letting go and splashing in my lap to create a soggy dark patch.
“Is this even love for me? Or is this some conditioned response brought on by a lifetime of being told that everything was for Jyeon? That I was made for him, fated to be with him, and should value myself against his care for me… I don’t even know anymore. I don’t know what love is because you never gave me a chance to find out. You set me on a path when I had no choice, and I get why he pulled away. Like siblings, he was thirteen, and I was eleven, and you told us we would have to marry and have children one day. Even I was sickened by the thought of it at first. I was too young to understand.”
I bite my lip to curb the sudden sob, the building of pressure inside me brings on a migraine, yet I’m sitting here immobile with no desire to get up. I want to blame the world for my predicament. I want to resent everyone for how I got here, even if I’m as much to blame. Because not once did either Jyeon or I realize we had the power to say no.
“He rebelled. He tried to change your minds by destroying the relationship between us and freezing me out because he would never have dared to disobey any of you. It didn’t matter. You could see how he closed off and refused to love me, yet you all persevered and saw only the future of OLO…… I drank the cool aid, believed the lies, played along, and lived with hope in my heart that it would be the fantasy you all said it would be. None of you prepared me for this….. I was just a little girl with dreams and aspirations, and you did not warn me that Jyeon might never share them with me.”
I sniff back the pain and realize this is getting me nowhere. My parents left me when I was at my most vulnerable, and I can’t blame them now for the path I took after they were gone. I could have walked another way; I could have chosen another life when they left. Instead, I followed what I knew they wanted for me with some deluded idea I was doing it for them. I made my bed, and now I have to learn to sleep in it.
“If I could make it all go away, find a way out without losing my sanity, I would take it. I’m so done with all of it. I wish I could disappear, and no one would know my name or who I was, and I could start over again. Find out who I am because I know this can’t be all there is. If it is, why would I feel so empty and alone every day? I’m miserable.”
It’s a nice fantasy. An unachievable wave of a magic wand where I can ‘poof’ be gone and not have to deal with the fallout of everything in my life. Not OLO, Jyeon, Mother, the media, the board of directors, that bitch Claire. Yoonha wouldn’t lean on me anymore and make me mother him even though he should be standing on his own two feet by now. I wouldn’t have to carry everything alone while battling to be perfect and constantly aware of my responsibilities to everything and everyone around me.
Maybe I’m the one who should walk off into the sunset and forget I ever lived this way. It’s not like I need money, my parents left me enough, but it’s never brought me happiness. I have everything I could materialistically want, yet I envy regular women on the street who seem to live a life full of love. I miss my family and my mother’s warmth. I miss everything I had when I didn’t have to face adult problems and carry adult burdens.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out reluctantly, seeing Jyeon’s name on my screen, and sigh heavily. I’m guessing his little wench went crying to him about my visit and shit’s about to get real. I had hoped she wouldn’t be the type to pull him in and show him what choice I gave her because I knew he could sway her to his will instead. It shows how different we are. This weak girl cried to Jyeon to fix this for her while I was the girl who always dealt with everything on my own and never bothered him with the details.
There’s no other reason he would seek me out apart from that. I red-button him and turn off my cell because I’m not ready to walk back into the storm when I feel this way.
I get up and re-engage the armor. Well, try to. Pull on the cloak of indifference and wipe away my tears, giving my parents one last lingering look.
“Would it devastate you if I just let it all go?” I ask in a mocking tone and laugh at my stupidity. Knowing that my father’s legacy was everything to him, I’m the only one left to carry his torch. That mother would chase me to the ends of the earth to make me suffer for letting her down.
I head back to my car and get in, my brain shifting to autopilot and turning over the engine. Putting it into gear and moving off without a backward glance because I know my past isn’t there to help me. It’s been years since I came here, eleven since they died, yet it hurts as much as if it were yesterday and offers no comfort.
I zone out, turning the radio on full blast as I drive the thirty minutes home and trying to remind myself what I’m even fighting for. My head is sore, seeing stars in the air, and I have no aspirin to dull it down. I rub my temple and speed along the highway, zooming past slow-down signs as though I’m oblivious. Zoning out with thoughts and finding only darkness and disappointment as conclusions.
It doesn’t take me as long to get home as leaving did, and I’ll probably get a swarm of speeding tickets in the mail, but I want to lie down and reset my brain before taking on any more bullshit.
I walk into a dark, seemingly empty lower floor of our home, with only lamps and dimmer lighting warming the area, which it’s weird given it’s only after dinner. There are no signs of anyone down here, so I pad through to the kitchen barefoot to get myself water and pills to relieve this invasive throbbing.
I stop short, flinching internally, when I spot Jyeon standing at the counter, leaning forward with his palms splayed out and his head lowered. He’s staring at something laid there, oblivious to my presence, nestled beside his cell and car key, and I swallow hard as I focus on what appears to be my paperwork and the photos I left at Claire’s.
I hate that my hunch was correct, that she ran straight to him and told him rather than being smart and saving him a world of trouble. Jyeon’s head snaps up upon hearing my footsteps, and he wastes no time confronting me. I paste my cold expression and move on as planned to get some medicine.
“Just when I start to feel bad for you, you always pull something out of the bag that completely turns me around again and reminds me you’ll stop at nothing to win. What the fuck are these?” he swipes the top layers aggressively and sends them splaying off the bunker and across the floor around my feet, light falling leaves, as he scowls at me and locks his gaze on mine. Softness and regret are gone, and he picks up my printed document informing her of my intention to sue for losing the contract between our companies.
I step over them and lay my handbag on the counter on top of a few strewn loners with delicacy and shrug. Leaning down to open the cabinet and retrieve our medicine storage, acting like I don’t see them.
“I actually agonized over you finding out like that, hating myself for not telling you the truth….. only to find you fucking knew all along and were having me followed. Fucking followed. What even is that? What gave you the right? Was that all an act, Sohla?” He slams the paper down on the counter again. The side of his fist makes a dull thud, and I cringe but continue with what I’m doing as though I’m unbothered about all of this. My heart is racing, and my pulse is chaotic, but I’m a calm sea on the surface.
“This is your plan, huh? To chase her away and hold a threat of ruining me over her head? Do you think that’ll work? That I’m a pushover that would sacrifice someone I care about because you have a tantrum?”
I inhale deeply, place the box on top of the counter, unclip it to open it, ignoring him, and rifle inside for headache tablets. He isn’t saying anything I don’t already know or thought about while driving home. This isn’t news to me, and I guess I prepared precisely for this.
Jyeon loses his temper with my carefree attitude and slaps it sideways, away from me, sending the box clambering and the contents scattering everywhere. I watch without reaction as he creates a mess, scattering packets and bottles and some loose pills rolling under the cooker. The noise hurts my already sensitive brain, and I hold my breath for a second.
“You don’t think I’ll take you head-on and fight you? This isn’t about another woman and me but about me being sick of being tethered to you. Your methods, like this bullshit, are why I hate being around you.”
His words finally break my silence in indignation.
“Why are you the victim in this?” I utter it steadily, quietly, as though it just dawned on me. Not meeting his eyes anymore, I sit down on the breakfast stool to give my legs a break and rest my weary body. Knowing if I walk away, he’ll probably follow for the first time ever in a fight instead of leaving it alone. I can tell. He is looking to defend her and wound me, and he’s like a dog with a bone if he’s the one to start the fight.
“I mean, what did I do, Jyeon? From day one…. From an age where I didn’t even get a choice… What did I do?” My voice trembles, and I implore him. “What was it that made you abandon me and leave me to fend for myself after years of being sheltered and protected? What did I do that was so awful? I held everything together and took as much as possible before I was even an adult! What did I do to deserve how much you loathe me?”
My voice wavers, and tears hit the back of my throat. I’m tired of this existence and tired of his hatred for me. I’m tired of fighting to hold onto him when I already know it’s futile. So not able to keep fighting myself anymore and am too exhausted to try holding it in.
“Did you ever stop and think that I didn’t deserve any of it? That I didn’t ask for any of it.”
Jyeon’s anger seems to fade, and he drops his chin, looking away from me as his jaw flexes and his eyebrow twitches. Thinking about my words and then shaking them off and staring back at me once more. His anger is still bubbling under the surface, and it pains me to take in the handsome face and see only how much he despises me.
“What about our daughter, Sohla? Did I deserve that? Did she?” He hits me with the one thing I know he can never get past. The one tiny thorn in his heart escalated everything.
“Maybe you should ask your mother… I’m done here, do what you want…… I’m going to bed.” I cave, not strong enough tonight to bring up Tia in this. Never strong enough to talk about her.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Why would I ask my mother? Don’t you dare walk away from me right now!”
His angry tone follows me as I get up and start to move away, inhaling to try and stay calm and blot him out, but he yanks my wrist from behind, across the counter, and I’m pulled harshly into the cabinet.
“Forget it. It changes nothing. Let me go. I’m going to bed.” I yank my arm free, but he follows me, seething and not ready to back down.
“I’m moving out. Tonight. I am taking what’s left of my shit that you didn’t destroy and will stay with her. It’s over, Sohla, between us. It’s never going to be what you want it to be. I’m not coming back.” I stop dead in my tracks, and he bumps into me from behind, knowing he’s wounded me in the worst way, yet his choice doesn’t even shock me. My heart catapults, and my mouth runs dry as everything in me contracts with pain. I can deny it all I want, but I knew Jyeon wouldn’t take it lying down and let me push him into a corner. It’s why I pinned my efforts on making her leave.
“I’ll not hold back if that’s what you do. I’ll ruin both of you.” I threaten him, but my voice is feeble and low, and even I know I don’t sound like someone who’ll carry out what I said I would do. His body heat is right behind me, suffocating me with his presence as he leans into my ear, over my right shoulder, and my body tingles with his closeness. Goosebumps travel over my skin, my stomach flutters despite everything, and I hate my body for still responding to him this way.
“I told you - I’d fight. I’m not some weak opponent who will stand back and let you destroy my life. I want out. Away from you, away from this toxic mess between us, as far away as possible. You were never my choice, and I’m tired of being controlled.”
“Then leave. Take her and go. Leave the company to Mother, me, and Yoonha, where you know I’ll take care of them.” I close my eyes as a tear escapes my lashes and bite my lip to stop myself from showing him how ruined I am.
“It’s my company and my family. You’re the one who should disappear. We don’t need you; we never did, and I’d be happy if I never set eyes on you again for the rest of my life.” Jyeon nudges past me, so his shoulder shoves me, and I’m pushed aside, his words ringing in my ear and cascading down inside my broken soul.
A cold and brutal way of signing off and telling me this conversation is done, yet I’m the one who’s deflated and left this way in the darkness. He heads for the stairwell in the lounge to go upstairs, and my legs give out under me, so I have to grab the countertop for support.
I turn and splay my palms, knocking his cell phone with my thumb, and it rattles his car key beside it, pulling my attention towards the shiny oval key. It’s for his sports car, his baby, his pride and joy. Thinking about how much he loves this dumb vehicle and how it would probably hurt him more to see it scratched than to see me bleed to death. Yet I stare at it for a long silent moment and then reach out and pick it up, turning it over in my hand as my venomous poison soars inside.
“I bought you this as a wedding present…. You don’t want the marriage, so why should you keep the car?” I ask out loud to no one in particular, leaving a sour taste in my mouth.
He seems to like using this as his preferred vehicle to visit his mistress, and I wonder if she thinks it’s sexy. A hot car for her hot boyfriend. The car his wife bought for him to celebrate their union is a great little love racer. I wonder if he’s touched her in that car, defiled it, or just taken her places he never took me. I wonder if she knows who bought it for him.
I pick up his cell phone, open the refrigerator's freezer compartment, shove it inside as far back behind the bags of frozen vegetables as I can, and slam it shut.
Petty, yes, but do I care? No.
I take his keys and head opposite him for the stairs to our underground garage. Picking up his range rover ones from the wall rack in passing and put them in my pocket. If he wants to pack up and go, he can use a cab because I won’t make things easy for him. Starting right now, I’ll make him regret his choice and show him what a real fight is. How petty and immature I can be if that’s what he wants.
I walk into the parking garage and march past the rows of assorted luxury cars, including mine. Beeping at a distance to open it and notice it’s sat with the driver's door ajar already. He must have been so rushed to get here and confront me that he didn’t close up his pride and joy or lock it up properly. I snort at the irony in that. Walk over and open it fully before sliding in without hesitation.
I press the start button and frown as it seems to choke, snort, and cough, not starting correctly, and I screw my face up that his nine-million-dollar beast is a crappy starter. I know he spends a fortune on its maintenance, and I laugh at how much money this piece of crap costs to be this unreliable. Like its owner, then. It just shows a high price tag, and a suave look doesn’t always get you quality.
I press it again and smirk when it roars into life, sounding more like the expected mean machine it boasts of being. I drove it long ago and forgot how much this baby could purr. I yank the door shut, slamming it with gusto, reverse at speed, and make my way to the outer door to rip this baby to shreds and leave it somewhere lonely to die.