“Answer it.” Greta picks up my phone and holds it out to me, but I hesitate and stare at the flashing screen instead. We leave it between us as we sit tensely on the bed, now facing one another. Her eyes dart from it to me, and she sighs heavily. “Take it.”
“It’s late. As far as he knows, I’m asleep.” I push it away but flinch when she grabs my wrist and forces it into my hand, swiping the answer button as she does so. Strangely strong for such a tiny wench.
“Yeah, well, now he knows we’re not.” She winks, sliding away, and motions for me to lift it before jumping out of bed and heading to the door. She switches the overhead light and blinds me with the sudden assault. “Hi, Jyeon…….. Don’t keep her up too late. She’s a monster when she’s tired,” she yells loudly, making sure he would have heard her, before sauntering off with a wiggle and a mischievous wave and leaving me alone with my phone. I stare at the lit screen and his name and cave because she’s given me no choice. Mad at her for choosing now to turn to his side and seething with curse words at her shitty maneuver.
“Hello.” I put it to my ear and get up too, putting zero effort into my greeting and hoping he thinks I’m sleepy. My body is restless and finding renewed listless energy to zap me back to antsy behaviors. I walk to the window, pulling the drapes aside to stare out into the darkness once more in an effort to find tranquillity.
“I guess I didn’t wake you? Can I come up? I’m in the lobby downstairs.” Jyeon sounds tired, his voice gravelly, and his question startles me. My eyes sweep down on autopilot to scan the park below and spot a familiar dark SUV that had taken us to the amusement park earlier. I can see the driver sitting alone inside, the same employee from earlier. My stomach flips over, and my blood runs cold, realizing he’s right downstairs.
“Umm. Why? I mean, shouldn’t you go home and sleep? Aren’t you tired…. it was probably stressful?” I start blabbering nonsense, losing my cool for a second. My insides are hitching in butterflies at my panic at seeing him when my brain is this way. He has no idea how much I want to curl up and hide from the world and him tonight.
“I can tell you that when you open the door. I’m coming up. I want to see you.” Jyeon hangs up before I can refuse, and I curse at Greta under my breath for putting me in this situation. I know she’ll let him in, too, so there’s no point dodging this or ignoring the bell. I have no choice but to do this tonight.
I yank open my wardrobe in speed mode and pull out a robe to slide on over my silk nightdress, fix my hair quickly and check my face for any smudges from removing my makeup earlier. He’s getting barefaced and natural, and I am not putting effort into this. I tell myself to be strong, put him back at arm’s length, and not soften or show warmth for anything. I have no intention of being as stupid as I was earlier, now, I am a hundred percent sober, and it’s time we put an end to this foolish scenario once and for all.
The door goes with a gentle tap, tap, tap so as not to wake my neighbors, and I hesitate. My heart is racing, and my chest is heaving with the shallowness of my breathing, and I march out before Greta does. Trembling all over and flicking my hands out to still their shakes.
“It’s Jyeon,” I yell as her bedroom door starts to swing and closes again swiftly. A slight thud and then a giggle from the other side.
“Call me if you need me. I won’t come out otherwise.” Greta has a cheerful tone to her voice, and I squint at the closed door and wonder if she is still intoxicated. I don’t get why she is so pro-Jyeon tonight, practically throwing me at him and wondering if it has anything to do with being chased by Bryant all evening. Maybe that sly dog has whispered in her ear and pulled her to the dark side with his hoe skills. I should have known that playboy still had abilities even when playing nice. Greta isn’t easy to break, but Bryant seems to have the magic touch.
I stop behind the front door and take a calming breath to steady myself, sensing his presence on the other side and growing nervous about seeing him so soon. I blow out air dramatically and repeat inside my head, ‘end this and let’s go home’ multiple times before finding my nerve. I grab the handle, yank it inwards with a jerk of force, and pull on my cold icy Sohla mask, not prepared for how close he is to the door.
I flinch in surprise when I move aside, and I’m faced with him right on within a foot of me, my heart flipping at the sudden proximity. Jyeon steps inside without hesitation, pulls me towards him by the upper arms with a gentle grip and winds me by colliding my body with his as he encircles me in a firm hug. Pulling my face to his neck and cradles the back of my head against him so I can't escape. Entire body on body like he did before, so my arms are trapped between us, and I become almost like a shroud to his muscular frame. I can barely breathe with the sudden forced proximity or having his touch this way again. Cocooned into Jyeon's presence, it’s too easy to slide into how good it always feels.
“Don’t be mad. Please hear me out. I came back as soon as I could.” He leans in and mutters it directly into my ear, sending shivers down my spine as his breath tickles my neck. Trying to be gentle and intimate with me but it only strengthens my resolve. Hating him when I know he’s been with her these past hours.
“Who said I was mad?” I snap back and force my palms between us to move us apart, but Jyeon doesn’t relent and yanks me back in, folding me tight in his embrace. Smelling of outside, cologne, his own natural body scent, and remnants of the alcohol from earlier. It’s a heady mix that’s all too potent when combined. I can’t fall into the safety of being this way with him, though, and fight the way my body tries to relax as I breathe him in. His hard, sculpted body is a protective shield that’s been missing all evening.
“I know you’re mad. You were mad before I even left, whether you admit it or not, but I had no choice. I had to deal with this, or it wouldn’t have gone away.”
“It’s got nothing to do with me what or who you do in your own time. I’m not your keeper.” This time, I wriggle out of his arms, fighting his grip off, and slide away with effort. My face flushes, yet I miraculously keep my features straight and my manner stiff. Pushing his hands off me as he makes another grab at me and follows me inside. I retreat a few steps while he closes the door behind us, and he locks his eyes on me with a strained expression on his handsome face.
“I wasn’t at the hospital all this time. I was there for maybe twenty minutes when I first left. I had to track down her family to come to be with her after I checked she was there, that she was alive and okay.” Jyeon moves towards me, serious-toned and calm. Invading my space and air, I’m not willing to let him. I can think better when we are separated, and I can’t feel his warmth or smell him.
“I told you I don’t care.” I turn on my heel and head for the side unit where we keep the water jug and start pouring myself a glass to appear nonchalant while I simmer this mood. My skin prickles when his body warms up my back and his arm slides around me level with my shoulder, and I pause and hold my breath. He’s not taking the hint that I don’t want him near me.
“You can deny it all you want. You sound mad, you’re acting mad, and if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t still wear this to bed tonight.” He reaches over my exposed chest, where the robe hangs open over my nightgown, and picks up my wedding ring, which rests on my necklace. Lifting it and holding it in front of my face, turning it in his fingertips while he leans in and presses his cheek against my temple. His skin-on-skin contact makes my stomach clench and my palms turn clammy.
“It’s a part of my past. It reminds me not to go backward.” I yank it back, elbowing him away, and criticize my idiocy for still keeping this on and not covering it up properly. I make such stupid mistakes around him, and I’m already pissed and seething enough without him being a smart ass about it. “So, she’s fine then? You’re little mistress.” I divert his attention with bitchiness and throw him a cool look and raised brow. Sounding precisely like Sohla of the past with a haughty tone and clipped way of talking. I want him to see the old me and trigger an old Jyeon response, so this is easier on me. If we fight, that’s even better because I am taking no prisoners in this.
I’ve decided that I want to leave, and the only way to make sure he doesn’t follow is to tie everything up and be done before I do. Divorce. The shares issue…… OLO… all of it. He wanted my memories to do it, so that’s what he’s going to get. An end to whatever this was. He’s too dangerous for me to stay around. He makes me too weak and confused and wants things that will never work. Greta is correct, and running away is what I am doing, but I know it’s the only way to protect myself.
Jyeon narrows his eyes at me and tilts his head to one side as though deciphering my complete mood change from earlier. Studying me as his brow furrows, he chews on his bottom lip with a subtle mannerism. I try and remain cold and icy, having decided that this is the only way to end this farce once and for all before he makes it impossible for me to leave him a second time.
“Greta asleep?” he ignores my question entirely and instead walks past me and pours a glass of water. Seemingly at home in these surroundings and overtaking my space. Obviously, he’s read something in my demeanor and playing it how he deems necessary while I’m this way. Sometimes it’s a curse that he knows all versions of past me so well, and I scowl at his back and try to figure out his next move
“No, she’s probably got her ear pressed to the door. Will come rolling out should you annoy me in any way to attack you with a bedside lamp.” I sulk his way.
“I should have Bryant come and distract her while I drag you somewhere private so we can talk. The guy is smitten.” He winks at me, smirking and ignoring my lack of humor, from over his shoulder. I eyeroll and dump my glass on the nearest surface before stalking to the window and looking outside to avoid his gaze. Tensing and dealing with a heart rate close to significant cardiac arrest levels.
“Just say whatever it is and leave. I’m not in the mood. It’s late, and I’m tired.”
“Still a feisty little diva at times that knows how to make me walk on eggshells when you’re upset.” Jyeon completely ignores my hostility and comes to stand behind me once more. Close enough it makes my skin goosebump all over, but he doesn’t touch me this time. There must be at least half a foot’s width between us, yet it’s still suffocating to have him invade my air this way. His breath tickles the back of my hair, and I know he’s as close as humanly possible while I try to avoid his reflection in the glass before me as he towers over my much smaller height.
“I went there and saw what I needed to see. Said only what I needed to say to her. Then I met with Bryant after he dropped you guys off, and we tracked down her family to come to sit with her. We had to drive there to get hold of them, on the very outskirts of the city. I never went back to the hospital with them. I don’t intend to either. I just needed to know how serious it was because I caused it. I wanted to know if this was for attention or if she meant it and tell her this isn’t the way to make me care. Bryant is moving her to the Hong Kong research unit we opened last year as soon as he can in the hopes she resigns. She’s going away once she gets over this. Whether she wants to or not…. I told you that my priority is you. I know I created this mess, and I handled it shittily… I’m trying to fix it now. I’m not good at any of this. I never exactly had a good role model of how to be a loving husband who wasn’t a selfish asshole, but I’m trying.”
His words stab me in the heart, and my eyes mist over with tears at how much he gets under my skin. The relief in his words, the confession of his flaws in them, and the unbearable pain that comes with it because I can deny, deny, but tonight hurt me more than I could ever admit to Greta.
Him running to her, leaving me… it wounded me and reminded me of how vulnerable and easy to break I am when he’s part of the equation. I don’t want to be held in his power that way ever again. Even if now he’s soothing me with a balm and pulling me back to him like he keeps doing, it needs to stop. I’m losing my sanity with how useless I am in fighting him.
“I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to go home and stop…. stop how all of this messes me up and ruins my brain. I want to return to my peaceful life and have some normal back.” I utter it more to myself in a breathy and exhausting blur of words. My voice breaks with the genuine raw pain that comes with my confusion. I’m so afraid to trust him ever again and not willing to stay and endure this anymore, yet even saying it rips my heart open and makes me bleed at the thought of going.
“I know I keep fucking everything up. I’m trying, Sohla. To do the right thing and prove how much I want you back. You seem to be remembering more and more and …. just give me a little time. For your memories, for me to prove how much I love you. I can feel it between us still, that you have feelings for me too. Give it a chance to grow, please…. Don’t run away because I’m an idiot who does things wrong and hurts you without meaning to. I’m sorry. I’ll learn… I’ll change what needs to be changed. Just give me a chance.”
I close my eyes as a tear escapes and rolls down my cheek. Ripped open by his pleading and sincere tone, his genuine remorse and apology. His needing to fix this craziness that exists between us. The way he hovers close but keeps his hands to himself because he knows I’m upset at him, and Sohla of old didn’t like touch when she was this strung out. He’s inside my brain like a virus and controls and pulls me in ways I cannot refuse. He breaks me up repeatedly, which strengthens why I need to end this. I was stupid to think I could ever resist the one man in the world who has always had full possession of my heart.
I push him back with my elbows and turn, sliding away from him, unable to lay my eyes on his face and aching all over. Pain and heaviness shoot up my stomach because I’ve decided now, and I have to see it through. Sickened at what I have to do to make it happen, and Greta was right; I know this will hurt him more, but I’m not going to hide it anymore. This will be the way to cut him off, make him let go. I know him. He won’t forgive the lies and deceit.
“I’m not remembering, Jyeon.” I blink to stem the onslaught of woeful tears, looking for strength. Swallowing hard and clasp my hands together to stop them from shaking badly.
“What do you mean? Yes, you are…. you remembered a lot more about Tia, about working for OLO…you’re slowly coming back, and I sometimes see the old you in flickers. You told Claire about my father’s death. You remembered mother….” He sounds confused, following me as I try to put distance between us, but I lift my palm to tell him to stay away. Struggling for breath and knowing I can only keep this up if he doesn’t come to me. I’m hanging on by a thread.
“I’ve been lying this whole time to you, to Bryant….to everyone here. Greta knows too. She always did.”
“What are you saying?” He steps towards me, taking my hand to bring it down between us, and smothers it with his larger one. Finding my skin cold because I’m stressed, he pulls it to his other hand and covers me with both to warm it. Eyeing me up with a slightly amused glint in his eye as though I’m merely having a tantrum.
“Stop it.” I yank it free, hating how much he pays attention to the most minor details, and run my fingers through my hair. Agitated and growing worse by the second. “I’ve been lying… about everything. All of this….us.” I snap it in anger…using my words like bullets.
Jyeon doesn’t say anything, but his face calms to a serious blank pause, his mind going a hundred miles an hour, and observes me carefully. He seems to be reading that whatever this is, it’s more than me being upset about tonight. More than jealousy, the tell-tale flicker of his eyebrow makes me hate myself for this.
“I lied about…….” I choke on my words as they strangle me with ferocity, and my chest throbs with slicing pain at what I’m about to do. This is harder than I thought it would be.
“About what?” Jyeon’s voice wavers, sudden innocence and blind faith flitting across the boyish face that’s never really changed. I see the flicker of doubt and fear in his eye as he scans my face, and it only makes me feel a hundred times worse. I’m wielding a knife and aiming right for his heart.
“My memory…. Amnesia….” It’s a painful and soft admission, tears forming and my cheeks ache with the effort of holding it all in. Shaking internally and knowing I can't take it back once I tell him, he may hate me for it, but that’s the point.
“What are you saying?” His voice resembles mine, his eyes mist over, and I catch the slight twitch of his jawline as he fights whatever he’s feeling inside. His body stiffening. Obvious signs that it’s causing him distress.
“I didn’t forget anything… not for a second. I didn’t stay away because I didn’t know about you anymore….. there was never a second that I didn’t know who I was or where I came from. The amnesia was a lie to hide me from the world. I stayed away because I didn’t want to come back to you, and I thought it would be best for both of us if I were dead.” my own words splice my soul in two, and I can’t hold back the tears as they escape, dripping down my face. Vibrating with the sheer effort of saying this to him, he stands motionless, staring at me openly as though he didn’t quite hear what I said.
Jyeon drops his gaze to the floor between us, his posture slumping, frowning hard, and swallows as he tries to control his outer response to my confession. Reeling it in to retain his composure. I can feel how it sinks in and changes his entire mood and mannerisms to a colder and hurt Jyeon of old. Trying to protect himself from my brutal assault. He swallows hard again, inhales heavily, and rubs his hand through his hair without looking at me. He’s having a moment of disbelief and then acute agony as he thinks through that I chose to let him suffer for two whole years that I had no intention of ever seeing him again. Despite my love for him, I wanted him to believe I was gone forever.
“Did you hear me? I always knew who you were and where you were. I knew you would think I was dead, yet I didn’t come back. I didn’t care if it hurt you. I didn’t want to see you again. I didn’t want my job, home, money, family, or husband.” I grab at cold and icy, yet no matter how hard I try to put that mask on and adopt my old persona, I can’t. Seeing him standing motionless while he processes my cruel words is complete agony. It hurts me as much as it hurts him.