“We shouldn’t overdo it. The specialist said to take your time and go slow. Not overwhelm you with stimuli to force it. You remembered Tia; that’s more than I thought would happen so soon…..It’s a good step. You did good, Sohla. Don’t try too hard, or it may affect you negatively.” Jyeon is being weirdly gentle with me as though I’m vulnerable, delicate rice paper. Or maybe a child, and he’s cheerleading me over the tiniest of achievements. It feels off for so many reasons. He’s kept touching non-existent since I pulled myself together and seems somehow warmer since I broke down.
“I’m hungry.” I point out, dodging conversation because I’m embarrassed and disappointed in myself for losing my shit like that. Walking ahead in the street and aiming for the hot dog vendor in the near distance while dodging other walkers this late in the day. It’s growing dark, and the city lights make everything glow with an unnatural yellowish ambiance. We came out for air after I calmed down, and the conversation became strained.
I don’t think Jyeon knew how to deal with a crying mess. It’s not the Sohla he knew or had to deal with as an adult, and he could only hug and pat me and offer napkins to dry my face. He seemed at a loss at how to comfort me and embarrassed that he shed tears in front of me. He seems to have accepted Tia’s name without question, and instead of drawn-out conversations over all of that, he left it alone.
“Two with all the trimmings, thanks. One with extra onions for her.” Jyeon slides up fast behind me, holding up two fingers to our server, and pulls out cash to pay. Accurately remembering my preferences of long ago makes me feel even weirder to have him that observant. Fast on being attentive and taking care of it, I turn and look around the familiar area as though I’m interested. Needing headspace.
“You remember anything about this place?” He asks, still sticking behind me, so his voice is at the back of my head.
“No.” I lie, knowing we used to bring Yoonie here for hotdogs when we were kids. Out hanging around and off to meet up with his friends. All my friends came about via Jyeon due to my overprotective parents, and Yoonie just followed me. Always our shadow.
“Do billionaires eat street food?” I ask with sarcasm and turn back as though I am already bored with the view. Avoiding his eyes and how he always seems to watch my every move.
“This was our favorite spot. All of us rich kids liked to try being normal and hanging out like every other teen around here. You were addicted to eating here at one point. So much so I thought I might end up with a fat bride.” He jests and chuckles under his brother at the memory.
That was until Jyeon had to step up and train for OLO, and then he lost the ability to act like a kid, and he wasn’t fun anymore. They put so much pressure on a sixteen-year-old boy who wasn’t ready to start being groomed as the next president of a corporation. They stole his childhood, choices, and dreams to be anything else. It’s no wonder he pulled away and locked himself up tight inside his head. I did the same thing at the hands of those same parents.
“Here.” Jyeon hands me my paper-wrapped, stuffed, and steaming bun, and I smile and nod the server’s way before we turn and walk, taking a bite each in silence and savoring how good they still are. “I haven’t done this in years.” He smiles to himself while chewing, and we walk on in weirdly companionable silence for a little while as we both eat. Watching out for passers-by and taking in the night lights of a place I used to love. It’s crazy how quickly I fall back into his presence and forget why I shouldn’t let my guard down.
“You don’t seem like someone who eats hotdogs and walks around this place at night. Don’t you have money to count or papers to read?” I gesture at his designer clothing and immaculate appearance. I have to keep reminding myself to play the part of a stranger and not fall into the Tia mistake again. It’s stupid to have let too much out.
“I used to be. Then life got in the way, and I forgot how to be anything other than what was expected. We used to have fun…… I used to enjoy the simple things in life.” Jyeon seems less guarded since the wedding hall relaxed, and the conversation has been less awkward. I hate that I can feel him breaking down my defenses by giving me something I used to wish we had back. I hate that he never showed me this side of him after Tia in all those years of being married. Now it’s freely within my grasp, and it only causes heartache.
“You should live on the island for a while; it’s nothing but simple life and small pleasures. Might change your outlook on life and make you want to run away.” I find myself smiling naturally, once again slipping and instantly pulling it back. I almost just admitted to doing exactly that.
“It’s definitely done something for you. I feel like I’m thirteen again, and the cute little Sohla, who was carefree, and fun, is back by my side. It’s hard to connect you to how you were before you left.” Jyeon reaches out and tugs my ponytail thoughtlessly, and there’s a moment of tense silence as we stare at one another and then walk forward faster. I am aware of how weird that was and how inappropriate for a guy I claim not to know to be playfully pulling my hair.
“Sorry.” He mumbles and sticks his hand in his pocket.
“I only know this me. Was I that bad?” I ask, tongue in cheek, steering away from whatever that was and happy thoughts because I need a reminder that this is the man I think tried to kill me. He’s too good at charming and making me feel safe. Maybe hearing him describe how I was might help my stupid heart harden again.
“If you had asked that back then, I would have said yes. Now, no.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I raise a brow at him.
“I was an asshole. I thought you were the devil, and I was a victim of my own life. Only, it’s not even close to true, and the victim was you. It’s funny how life opens your eyes when you least expect it and almost always when it’s too late.” Jyeon trails off verbally and stares out across the street. It’s clear he doesn’t want to get back too deep and emotionally as we did at the hall.
“Let’s just say you were a product of your environment and relationships with everyone around you. You became someone necessary to survival.”
“So, I was a bitch?”
“Sometimes. You were efficient, good at your job, and cold, but the evidence of your love was in everything you did for us. The gap that you left behind. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize it when it mattered.”
If this isn't real, he’s hitting it hard with the regret and redemption game, and I keep swinging between emotions. I'm unsure whether I should trust him, rethink what happened that night, and see this as a ploy. He has me so messed up in the head that I can’t trust my judgment, and there’s an urge in me to ask him straight if he tampered with the car.
“And you… were you like this? Have you changed?” I ask as though it’s genuine curiosity in a bid to move us on and control my impulses. “Did you spend this kind of time with me and do these things?”
“I haven’t changed, just the face I showed you did. Maybe I’ve matured and stopped being so two-dimensional in my outlook, but the inner me is still the same. I guess, like you. You seem different in so many ways, but the girl I grew up with is what I see again, so I guess you changed your face too. Do people ever really change? Or do we just take off masks?”
Another tense silence as we think about his words, and I break the intense heaviness.
“What if I never remember? Are you going to keep me prisoner and refuse to set me free? Stay married to a guy I don’t know at all.” I skip around a lamppost, split up for a few seconds as two men walk between us before we come back together. He reaches out, catches me by the elbow, and tugs me beside him as more people push our way, and they have to walk around us instead. Making it clear he didn’t like us being separated and acting protective when one walks too near to me. He pulls me behind him by the sleeve and then to his other side, away from the busiest part of the sidewalk and the traffic edge. Putting me on his right and keeping me close.
“Then maybe it’s a chance to start over, and who knows…. maybe you’ll fall for me all over again. Only this time, by choice.” He half-smiles as though it’s a joke, but the seriousness in his eye makes my blood run cold, and my stomach drops harshly. An instant fear ripples inside me, and I don’t like it. It feels sinister instead of sweet, and I wonder what plan he could have for wanting me glued to his side all over again.
Maybe OLO needs me back, and this way, he could ensure I never challenge him for his position. Win me over, bring me home, put me back where I was like the last two years never happened. Fool me into loving him again because he realized OLO didn’t run without me.
“How do you know I don’t already love someone?” I ask in a knee-jerk fashion, hiding behind questions because he’s unsettled me. Internally running away because I don’t want this.
Jyeon stops dead in the street and almost has someone collide with him from behind, who curses him out and walks around. He is entirely oblivious, though, and turns to me.
“That asshole from the diner? The hero who didn’t know how to mind his own fucking business. Is that what you’re implying?” His tone changes completely, and the cold and hateful him I used to see daily shows his face. Only I don’t feel it’s aimed at me but at the memory of Tom. A bristling show of what I could mistake as jealousy if I didn’t know better. He’s riled up for sure and no longer playing nice.
“Maybe. Why?” I answer blandly and move to walk off, but he catches me by the wrist and tugs me back to him, so I almost trip over my feet and end up grabbing his arm to steady myself. Startled by the spark of electricity in the air and the seriously pissed-off look aimed my way.
“What do you see in an asshole like that? What can he offer you that I can’t? Is that what you want? Some shitty small-town existence with a nobody that makes you live like that and throw away everything you have?” His tone is fierce and reminiscent of the night we last fought. Oblivious to the irony in his words. Emotion-heavy and simmering rage bubbling inside of him.
“What are you doing right now? What is this? Why are you being this way?” I pull away and step back, but he follows me with a step forward, catches my hand, and holds it tight. Moving so close, his nose is an inch from mine. Not letting me go and intimidating me completely.
“Are you and him really a thing? That loser? Did you ask him to wait for you? Is that the plan? Divorce me and go running back to a life with him?” Jyeon’s voice sounds torn up, and his energy drastically changes from warmth to iciness. Riling my inner temper that he would act this way.
“What’s it got to do with you? I don’t even know you. What right do you have to question me about my love life when you sat an hour ago and admitted you cheated on me and threw me away? You’re a fucking hypocrite. Do you think you own me? Because we never divorced? Screw you.” I yank my arm free and turn on my heel, seething inside but trying to hold it together and not explode at him for this ridiculousness. Overcome with this violent rage that bubbles like molten lava, I want to turn around and rip his head clean from his throat.
Jyeon follows me at speed, catching me with an arm around my waist as he slides up beside me and turns us to traffic lights. He no longer cares about keeping his hands to himself or what’s proper contact between us and only sees red. He hurries us in the direction he chooses as I struggle to remove his arm from my body, but he speeds us up, so I can’t. Pulling me and keeping me locked against him like a prisoner.
“Let me go. Are you deaf? What the hell are you doing?” I snap at him, pushing his side and arm to free myself, but he marches us to the spot where he left the car and pulls me around like a ragdoll to the passenger door. There’s no gentleness anymore, only a very pissed-off bigger guy, and I’m the focus of all that testosterone.
The street here is dark from the lack of street lights. The car is in a tight alley because parking is hard to find in this area, and no one is nosey enough to look this way. I get a glimmer of fear that maybe this was a stupid idea and this man maybe tried to off me two years ago.
He spins me around, pushing my back against the door with slight force but not enough to wind me. Where he cages me in and leans into me, so I have no choice but to lean back into the hunk of metal. In my face, my space, and sharing my air as he towers over me and makes it clear I’m not going anywhere.
“Move. Get out of my way.” My voice shakes and trembles, and I’m breathless as my legs turn to Jell-O. Losing the fight because I’m genuinely afraid.
Jyeon stares at me good and hard for a few seconds so that I feel myself sliding down to escape the intensity. Slumping, trying to withdraw until I can’t catch my breath. Steeling myself for an argument and preparing myself for battle.
Jyeon knocks the wind out of my sails entirely by sweeping forward, catching my neck and jawline with one hand, molding his palm against my now cool skin, and kissing me hard on the lips. It comes out of nowhere. Gluing us together, so my nose is crushed against the side of his, and he forcefully presses us that way while my head explodes. My body is pinned under his as he rests his weight against me, and his other hand cups my hip to get as close as possible.
It's a closed mouth, nothing kiss, yet it creates goosebumps all over my body as my heart and mind collide in chaos, and I can’t pull away. Remembering his taste, the feel of him this way, I stand with my arms aside, hands loosely open, and yet no resistance. My body is sizzling in response, yet its softness is more powerful than any force of nature.
We stand motionless that way, and I’m too dazed to react as his soft, warm mouth perfectly sits against mine, keeping us still before he slowly pulls away and gazes at me. Nose to nose, crackling of static in the air, yet the total energy between us is no longer fierce. It’s heavy, emotional, and charged with something clawing at my chest. His breathing and mine instantly labored, and he furrows his brows as he gazes deeply into my eyes.
“Because I can’t let you go. I tried….. I went through hell when I realized that I had lost you and might never be able to see you again. That I fucked everything up, and I would never be able to undo the mess I made or get to do this ever again… Never get to see you, hear you, watch you from afar, or have you any part of anything anymore. I would never be able to tell you how sorry I was and how much I regretted everything…….. That I loved you, Sohla - even when I hated you….. that I love you still.”
Everything stops. My breathing, heartbeat, the noise, and movements of the world around us. The air. The ability to think or feel, to react, or to blink.
Just three little words I needed so many times in the entirety of my life from him, so desperately. Words I knew I would never get and gave up expecting.
And he gives them to me when I don’t even want them anymore.