“Greta, I’m home early. Where you at?” I wander into our temporary apartment, dumping my bag in the hall with relief at being back already, and push through to the main lounge, stopping dead in my tracks when my eyes fall upon two figures on the couch. My heart lurches up into my throat, and I pause in shock.
“I hope you don’t mind me waiting here for you?” Yoonah stands awkwardly, dressed in his office suit, extending a hand to me as though he’s meeting a casual business acquaintance, and my eyes immediately run to Greta sitting down. She gives me a slight shrug and eyebrow raise to imply she has no idea what to say or that it’s been uncomfortable for her sitting here with him.
“Have you been here long?” I take his hand, shaking it lightly and feeling weird about this whole formal encounter. It’s not like Yoonah to be so strange, but I guess I must feel like a stranger to him now. Two years of being dead, and then I walked back into his life only a couple of days ago. His eyes dart from mine to my hand, and he quickly pulls it away and sheepishly rocks back onto his heels. Seemingly not comfortable with touching anymore.
“No. I Just got here, actually. I wasn’t sure if you would be coming back so soon after going up to Jyeon’s office.”
“You saw us?” I ask in confusion. “You could have come up and said hello.” I try for warmth and a gentle smile and gesture for him to sit back down, noting Greta has already made him coffee.
“You and Jyeon looked like you had something going on. You two were in your Sohla and Jyeon bubble and oblivious to the world, just like before.” His smile is strained, and he carefully returns to seated, and I follow suit and choose the chair opposite him. His whole aura is nervous, uncertain, and not my past's cheeky and confident Yoonha. It pangs me to know I chose this for him when I abandoned him.
“It’s nice to see you again, really. I know it must have been a shock the other day, and we didn’t get much time to talk properly. It was intense and emotional. I’m glad you came by.” Mother had constantly cried and held onto me like a human teddy bear there to comfort her. Yoonah didn’t get to say anything, and my time was monopolized. I guess my own emotions were so messy too, that day.
“I think I am still processing it, to be honest. You have no idea how happy I am that you’re okay and alive. That all this time you were being cared for.” Yoonah drops his gaze to his hands between his knees, where they are casually hanging. It feels like he has something to say but doesn’t know how. His old boyish tells are still intact anyway.
“I don’t know how much Jyeon has told you….”
“Nothing. Jyeon and I…… We don’t interact about anything other than work. His life is his, mine is mine, and we don’t exchange anything personally.” There’s a bitter quality in his tone, and he looks to the coffee table, sees his mug, and leans in to swipe it.
“I’ll make you one.” Greta throws me a supportive wink over his head and excuses herself to give us space, sensing we need it. Sliding up and escaping to the tiny kitchen next door.
“You used to be close. I hope I’m not the reason that you two….”
“You are. I ……. Some relationships aren’t worth saving or fixing. Some relationships can’t go back to how they were.”
Don’t I know that all too well?
I nod, feeling his pain ebbing my way, understanding more than he knows, and it brings me an intense sadness to see my once fun-loving younger brother has aged so much in my absence. He seems introverted and troubled, and a haunted look in his eyes translates to his entire demeanor. His happy-go-lucky and often childish side appears to have evaporated.
“You’re acting VP now, right? Did you take my old position? How’s that going for you? Do you like it?” I try to bring us back to neutral territory, and he perks up a little with the safe topic. Visibly relaxing.
“Yeah. I guess, sort of. I don’t do half of what you did, as Jyeon split the duties between him and me. I don’t know how you ever did it and held everything together while still being the head of the home. I think Jyeon realized his workload was light because you redirected everything to you before it could reach him.”
It's nice that he finally saw that after years of me juggling so many balls and Jyeon seeming oblivious. Maybe he now understands the pressure I was under all that time.
“It wasn’t without its consequences. I didn’t exactly have a happy life or happy marriage.” I know I should watch what I say to him, but if he doesn’t talk to Jyeon about anything, I guess I can relax a little. I told Jyeon I would act like I remembered my past around mother and Yoonha, so it’s not exactly wrong.
“Is that why you didn’t come back? Because you weren’t happy with us?” Yoonha turns doe eyes my way, so large and sad that it hits like a stabbing slice in my heart, and I almost choke on the sudden lump in my throat.
“I…. I…lost my memory. I didn’t..” I falter, finding lying to Yoonha much harder than lying to Jyeon. He was always my kid brother, my baby, whom I raised and sheltered, and he trusted me wholeheartedly. He’s not a kid anymore, but there’s still a young boy in him, and that’s all I see. It feels wrong.
“Are you back here now to reconcile with him? Why would you do that? Jyeon ruined everything, and he never loved or took care of you. He was awful…. he ignored you and hurt you ….he had an affair, Sohla!” Yoonha’s temper spikes in a tremor of his tone, his raw hurt and emotion filtering through gravelly, and he quickly gulps some coffee to calm himself down, realizing he’s overstepping. Trying to hide what must still touch a nerve for him.
It feels like being back two years. Yoonha hasn’t changed all that much. Still looking out for me, caring, and behaving like a stroppy child. It makes me sad to know his heart hasn’t moved on. I still feel like his second mother, and the urge to comfort him and guide him beats strong. I can’t, though, because he has to learn to live on his own two feet and adjust. I’m not going back to what I was. I don’t want the burden of his feelings again or his frustration at my never doing what he wants.
“People are allowed to make mistakes and grow because of them. I don’t blame Jyeon for what happened; we both did things that were messed up. I wasn’t innocent in the past either. We were both wrong about so many things in how we handled each other. And no, I’m not here to reconcile…. I’m here to get back my identity, what’s mine, and a divorce.”
“Really?” Yoonha’s face shoots up, and he locks hopeful eyes on me, suddenly losing all tension, and his face smooths out as a hint of happiness glows from within. I don’t like it. It’s the look of a lovesick boy who figured out he might still have something to hold on to, and I realize Yoonha never let me go that way. My wish that he would find someone to love and forget me is dashed to death instantly. It hits me like a weight to the chest and gives me the sense of suffocation I used to have daily when I stayed here.
“I have a life where I ended up. Friends, a job, a make-shift family. I’m happy there and don’t want to come back here to pick up where I left off. I’m not the same Sohla anymore.”
“But I’m your family. You have a life here, a job… friends. What about us? What about what we need?” Yoonha starts to protest, his brows lowering and that subtle hurt returning. Pouting and reverting to kid. The spoiled little rich master of the family, Park, was always given everything he wanted by all of us. He can’t comprehend that his feelings won’t and don’t factor into my choices.
“And you have coped fine for two years without me, Yoonie. You don’t need me here anymore.”
“Yes, I do. Who said I coped? Were you here? Did you see? …You have no idea what it’s been like with you dead. Don’t tell me we coped without you because it’s not even fucking true. Why are you being this way?” Yoonah shoots to his feet, spilling his coffee as he childishly slams it on the table and paces away from me as his blood boils up. He was always a fiery one who exploded first before listening to reason. I guess he’s not different from Jyeon, even if their outward way of venting looks polar opposite. Yoonah is an emotional yeller, and Jyeon is a cold insulter. Both deliver and then calm down and regret it. I guess we all have toxic behaviors born of being pampered kids taught to be selfish by our upbringing.
“Is everything okay?” Greta appears at the door, eyeing him up with her fierce mama glare, and looks me over where I am still calmly seated. She’s rigid and tense, ready for a brawl should she deem it necessary. I nod at her and gesture back to the kitchen to give us space.
“We’re fine. He’s upset, understandably.”
Greta retreats after casting him a doubtful scowl aimed at his back and leaves the kitchen door ajar when she disappears. No doubt to eavesdrop and make sure I’m okay. She doesn’t know men like Yoonah, and she probably is already cursing him out for being a massive man-child. He was always highly strung and wore blinkers to everything except himself.
“Yoonie, come and sit down. Calm down. Stop being dramatic.” I coax him, and after a few minutes of tense sulking by the window, he sags and wanders back, dragging his feet and slumping back into his chair. I have the urge to laugh at his behavior, seeing him as an eight-year-old, and it does stoke up warm memories of how he was growing up. Poking at my maternal love for him once more, even if he was exhausting for most of my life.
“What happened that night? Why did you do it? Were you really trying to kill yourself?” Yoonah locks his focus back on me with big eyes and a slightly woeful expression. Looking innocent and sweet again quickly, I cave and relax in my seat. He may have aged and changed in looks, but he’s never really lost who he is. He was always immature for his age, and I wonder how much he does as VP. If Jyeon humors him and does the role of two while acting like he has more importance than he does. That’s very Jyeon when it comes to his baby brother. Yoonah never really saw how protective he was or what things he did to keep him in his cushy life, untouched by our stresses.
“It was an accident. I was driving too fast, and the car had some failure. I never meant for it to happen. It was stupid bad luck.” I purposely gloss over the details because I don’t want to put that into his head. The suspicion and doubt, especially if he now has a strained relationship with Jyeon. Not until I know for sure what happened that night.
Yoonah visibly pales. His skin whitens, and his eyes glaze over. Shocked by what I’m saying, he looks at his feet and fidgets with his fingers.
“They said you deliberately drove off the cliff… I knew you would never do that. I knew suicide was not the truth. I …….. I’m sorry.” Yoonha breaks, a silent tear rolling down his cheek, and I’m confused by this show of sadness. The sudden heaviness of his posture and the way he slumps.
“What for?”
“For ……” He hesitates, sniffing with an onslaught of new tears, and then wipes his face with the back of his hand. “For not knowing deep down you were still alive. For leaving you there. For what happened to you.” He can’t seem to look at me, and I know Yoonah has always been a kid who carries the weight of guilt for everything in life. Whether it has anything to do with him or not. I impulsively move to the couch beside him and slide an arm around his shoulder, stroking his right bicep gently and soothing him. Reverting to the role of mother, even though I told myself I wouldn’t do this again and would keep him at arm’s length.
“It’s the past. I’m here now. You’ll know where I am even after I go home. We can stay in touch, call, or visit. I won’t just disappear again. I have no reason to. I’ll still exist, but I won’t live so close or come back to OLO.”
“Sohla…. there’s…..” he turns to me, with a trembling voice and wary look, swallowing hard, but we’re cut off by the doorbell ringing loudly.
“I’ll get it,” Greta yells from the other room and comes clambering like a bat out of hell. Noisily and clumsily as she ungracefully attempts to answer it. Pulling both our gazes after her seems to kill his line of conversation.
“There’s what?” I turn back to him, sensing Yoonah has something weighing on his chest, and he shakes his head and pats me on the arm. He’s frowning, lost in his thoughts, and has a glazed and distant expression.
“It’s nothing. Forget it. How about you let me take you out for ice cream like you used to do for me? We can head somewhere where the press won’t be. Stop talking about painful things and go hang out.”
He shifts in his seat so my arm falls away, and I get the feeling he is trying to put up a wall between us. Maybe because deep down, he feels betrayed that when I remembered who I was, it was Jyeon who brought me home. This is how Yoonha punishes people. He pushes them away emotionally, acts cold, sulks, and draws a line in the sand until he decides he’s over it. Something he learned from me.
I know Yoonha always saw himself as my hero and protector, but it’s always been Jyeon who stepped in front of me when I needed it. I guess he’s mad at me that it took me days of being back before he even knew about my existence. That I haven’t reached out to him yet, and always seem to be around Jyeon. I know him better than he realizes.
“I think that sounds good, although Greta has to come because I keep leaving her behind, and if I keep it up, she might abandon me and go back home in a mood.” I giggle as she reappears in the doorway carrying an online shopping order she must have made at some point. Her bright and happy presence lightening the severe tension in the room.
“Did I hear ice cream?” Her eyes twinkle with mischief, and I giggle at the swift change from guardian to a toddler when dessert is involved.