I burst into our bedroom, still in the same emotional mess I was running all the way here, and somehow managed to get in and up here without alerting Yoonie or mother to my presence. A fire is coursing through my veins, yet my mind’s a blistering mess of utter chaos, and I can’t think or see straight. The pain is unbearable, and years' worth of bottled-up feelings are spewing out of me like someone turned on a tap. I’m a volcano that finally erupted.
I’m breathing in short raspy gulps, wiping my snot and tear-drenched face with the back of my hand, yet more keeps coming, and I hiccup every few gasps. I rake my fingers through my hair, which is tied up in a messy bunny, yanking it down with my erratic movements and adding to the despairing image of myself—caked in dried blood, grime, and emotional ruin. Rubbing my fingers over my face and down my throat, I try to reel my mind back from its shattered pieces. My entire world has come tumbling down. What I always thought was a solid fortress made of brick and mortar was just a pack of precariously balanced cards that only held up until Jyeon blew on them.
“I HATE YOU!!!” I scream into the stark emptiness of our room, despising everything I see about me. The lonely, bland, marital bedroom that’s so devoid of life and looks more like a show home pictorial for the rich and famous. A symbol of our fake life and our fake love. A demon inside me rips loose, and I run for our shared wardrobe, yanking open the doors and heading right for his side. I am possessed with a need to vent and take it out on his possessions in place of him.
In a frenzy of insanity, I start yanking out all the clothes I ever bought him, despising, loathing every single memory and feeling as they spew out with the array of colored fabric.
“I did everything for you. I lost myself for you. I buried my pain for you. I made you who you are, and this is what I get as a thank you.”
Tearing shirts, ripping off buttons, and throwing them out of the door and into our bedroom with all my might. My hands burn and ache as material cuts into me, yet I can’t stop the sequence of mass destruction. I am forcing open drawers and emptying the contents across the marble floor to kick them around and stamp them to death. Spreading his belongings around me and picking out every single thing that his hands have ever touched so I can launch them at the walls or into the bedroom.
“She could never have done those things. Never have held up your family or made OLO what it is now. She could never have taken the pressure or the pain and been your silent rock all these years.”
I open his watch case and throw them down, jumping all over them and kicking them aside, my ankles slicing with fragments of glass and broken metal I send into the air, but I feel nothing. His ties, his shoes, his jackets, his aftershave. All are pulled out, rumpled, broken, or torn and thrown out into the heap of amassing things that resemble a small mountain, yet I can’t stop.
I can’t release this building-up pressure as it all tumbles out of everything held down for so long. The wall broke, the damn erupted, and now I can’t put anything back inside my perfectly maintained box.
“I stayed quiet. I never cried. I never refused to do anything for you. I submitted, obeyed, and did things to ensure you were happy. They made my entire life’s purpose about you.”
I storm out when I can’t find anything else to lay to ruin and head for his study needing more. Swiping the desk clean so his computer, desk organizers, and books fly in a crashing crescendo in every direction and make a harmonious noise. The breaking of things mirrors the breaking of me.
I repeat the same hysterical motion of emptying every drawer and cabinet I can. I’ve lost my marbles, and yet I don’t care. I’m lost inside a whirlwind of my own making, wreaking destruction in my path and finding the energy that surpasses logic.
“Sohla, stop it.” Jyeon’s voice comes at me from the doorway, yet I blank his presence. He must have followed me, although now he’s wearing his clothes, and somehow it only makes me worse. Laughing like a crazy person through my wash of tears at seeing his shirt and jacket. That he took the time to go back into that house with her and retrieve his things after their dirty deed so that he could chase his wife.
“Get out, get out!!” I scream at him, stalking towards the doorway and shoving him out of my way with all the strength I possess, which actually moves him. I head into the main room, swerving my chaotic pile, and start swiping down every picture of us I can find on the walls and bookcases and throwing them against the opposing surfaces. Smashing debris and flying shards litter the floor, yet it’s not enough. I want to hurt him, maim him, take out my anger on all evidence he was ever a part of my life, for being so stupid ever to hold on and give my heart to him.
I reach for the bridal picture of our wedding day over the mantel. A mocking image put here by mother that I have always hated to look at for all its fakery and emptiness. The picture-perfect smiling couple in love on the most important day of their lives.
Stretching to pull it down, I scoot up on my tiptoes and reach out, but Jyeon catches my arms from behind, wrestling my wrists together, and restrains me while my arms are over my head. He grabs my hands together with one of his and wraps his other around my waist before picking me up and pulling me away from the huge, framed print.
“Calm down, please calm down. Sohla, please stop.” He soothes words into my ear with a caring and soft tone that screams of bitter regret. Holding me tight as I struggle and battle and twist and wriggle, he only manages to gain more control and pulls my limbs into an embrace. Crossing my arms over my chest, he pulls me rigidly while using brute force to control me.
“Let me go, let me go. I hate you. I fucking hate you.” The words tumble out through my sobs, manic and desperate, and I don’t give up fighting him, but it’s futile. He’s stronger and bigger than me, and my fire, although not burned out, is losing the will as the reality of how tired my limbs and body are comes through my red mist. Physically I’m beyond exhausted.
“What the hell is going on in here?” Mother’s voice flies at us in a sharp shrill accusation from the open bedroom door. The noise must have pulled her up from downstairs. Gawping at the mess around us and glares frostily right at me.
“Nothing, Mom. Please leave us alone for a little while. I can handle this.” Jyeon pleads with her for space, but I buck and kick with my feet, lifting them while suspended in his hold and aiming for his knees. Hating his touch, his closeness. Hating him and loathe the fact he’s restraining me.
“How is this nothing? What the fuck?” Yoonha appears behind her, his voice calming me somewhat as shame pours over me at him seeing me like this. Yoonha has always leaned on me and depended on me to be his stable older sister, and now he’s seeing me in all my ugliness. I’m ashamed and momentarily cooled by his sudden appearance, and I turn my face away, so he doesn’t see how I look. I’m a mess.
“Leave. Don’t see her like this. Get out. We can figure this out without you two here, please. Give her time to calm down and clean herself up.” Jyeon turns us, so I am faced away from Yoonah, knowing me so well that he can guess at my sudden quietening, and my fight shrivels and dies. Having seen the confusion and fear on Yoonah’s face, the shock that I, of all people, would react this way and do these things. His icy, calm, and cool older sister keeps his world steady.
“What did you do to her? What have you done? She’s covered in cuts and blood. If you’ve hit her…….” Yoonah’s accusing tone slices me in the heart, his venom and hatred growing by the second, and I break down and start to sob again. Jyeon’s tightening embrace almost suffocates me, yet he won’t relent.
“It’s not like that. This is self-inflicted. I would never hit her or hurt her in that way.”
I can feel Jyeon’s body trembling too, with adrenalin, with God knows what. I hate him so much at this moment that his mere presence and touch are fuelling my inner fury, nausea, and inability to calm down.
“Let her go right now. Jyeon …NOW!” Mother commands him, and after a second of hesitation and reluctance, he slowly puts me on my own feet and loosens his hold lightly. I don’t wait for him to fully let go and burst out of his arms, turning on him and bashing his chest with my fists. Only I have no more energy or strength, and they are feeble attempts through sodden choked tears, and I end up sliding down in a horrific heap, gulping, blubbering. Only seconds of an assault that didn’t move him an inch.
Jyeon takes it without reacting. Stood there and braces himself while I hit him, yet it doesn’t help me. I don’t feel any better, I don’t hate him less, and I’m still just as broken.
“Is someone going to tell me what the hell is going on? What this mess is? What exactly has happened?” Mother’s cold and biting tone brings sense back into mayhem. Her no-nonsense fierce momma attitude comes out full force, and I flinch and recoil into myself. Closing my eyes as the words fall out weakly against my better judgment.
“Jyeon’s having an affair.” It falls in the chaos around us and produces a heavy silence so intense I can hear the birds outside in the far distance. A moment of pause as they digest my words, Jyeon hangs his head and stays still.
“You bastard. You fucking bastard.” Yoonah’s voice snaps me out of my trance, and I glance up just in time to see him full-throttle run at his brother and swing an enraged punch at his face.
“How could you? To Sohla of all people? Why, Jyeon? WHY?” Yoonah is incensed, and although Jyeon dodges and steps back, he aims another, and another, in a bid to knock him down. He was never any match for him though. Jyeon catches his wrist and controls him effortlessly before spinning him with one arm across Yoonah’s neck, pulling his back against him and immobilizing him with a trained fighter skill.
“Stop it, and I’ll let you go. Stop it, Yoonie. Do you think this helps? Do you think I wanted to see her like this? I grew up with her; this is not what I want.”
“You never deserved her. You should never have married her when we all knew the love was one-sided. I hate that she loved you and followed you. I hate that you took any chance of me being happy, and for what…. so you could throw her away and hurt her like this? You’re scum. You’re not my brother, and I’ve resented you every single day for the ring on your finger that doesn’t mean a damn to you.” His venom soothes my soul, even if it doesn’t change anything. His fierce loyalty and instinct to lash out at those hurting me bring back some of my fire. Pulling myself out of my head because his words ring true.
“Let him go. Stop it. Stop it, you hear me….. RIGHT NOW!!” Mother is there in a flash, yanking them apart and slapping arms and hands to shake them out of it. Both obey even though this is far from over, and she pushes Jyeon towards the bedroom door. He reluctantly is shepherded, but his eyes keep coming to me, and I can’t read his expression at all.
“Leave. Go downstairs and wait for me there. I want to talk to you alone.” Mother pushes him again.
Yoonha stumbles away from her and comes to me on the floor. Sliding his arms around my shoulders while curled up in the fetal position and patting me on the back like a child. I hug my knees and silently cry, my endless waterfall I can no longer control, and I feel pathetic and useless. A complete contrast to the girl they have known these past years.
It’s all broken, all of it. My entire life has been about keeping this family together. Being the rock, the glue, the support, the sacrifice for the bigger picture. And now I’m laid here in ruins because of love. And not because I didn’t know my marriage lacked it, but because they made my entire identity about gaining his love despite everything. This is the despair of failing, meeting my worthlessness if I can’t hold onto him.
“It’s going to be okay. Don’t be like this; he’s not worth it. You’re stronger than this.” Yoonah hugs me from behind, and I can’t lift my head or respond, numbing out as shock and pain become too much, and my mental ability to shield me from harm finally starts to initiate.
“I’m sorry, Sohla. I never meant to hurt you this way. I didn’t think it would because of how…… I’m sorry.” Jyeon’s broken tone comes at me through the veil of the blur, yet I have no response. A coldness is growing inside me, filling my veins like moving ice, and my heart shrivels to a charred black ruin that ceases to beat. Faced with my own powerless ability. Knowing I had one job, and it is going up in smoke before my eyes.
“Enough. We can get through this. It’s just a bump in the road. You still have sixty years or more of life together to get past this.” Mother’s in damage control mode. Reinforcing the exact commands I’ve heard since I was eleven. She is not listening to the sins of her son but thinking about her reputation and discarding our emotions and the scenario because it doesn’t fit her narrative. It was always like this, and that’s how we got to this point.
“Mom… stop. Please, all of it, just stop.” Jyeon turns to her, and I lift my chin, finally, to stare at him, seeing a stranger among us. Mother brings my head back to heel with the words ingrained in me for a lifetime. My emotions dwindle to the same old companionable emptiness as it all dies out.
Don’t cry, Sohla. Pull yourself together, Sohla. Don’t cause waves or make an issue, Sohla.
“I want a divorce.”
Four little words.
That’s all I hear—delivered in a quiet and emotionless manner as though stating a dull fact. Slicing the atmosphere like a sword through smoke. The end of everything, the true desires behind the mask, ravages me and kicks the ice queen back into touch. I am being thrown away after everything I’ve done. My purpose is snuffed out, with just four little words that seem so nothing to him.
“Stop talking like that.”
“You bastard.”
Mother and Yoonah are on two different sides of the fence, and I shrug Yoonie off, unable to bear human touch anymore, not even his. I am lost in my own shattered thoughts. I slowly pull myself up to my feet and sense Jyeon turning to look my way. His posture is straight and stiff, his face strained, but he’s not in the same emotional despair as me despite serving me a death sentence with four little fucking words. They raised, molded, and groomed me to exist just for him.
“If you divorce me, I’ll destroy you. I’ll take you from the seat at OLO and rip you down, and cast you out. The board won’t side with an adulterer threatening our biggest investment of the decade. I have a majority share; I have the proof of your infidelity, and I will take away everything you worked for and destroy her in the process… I have the ability and the desire to see you ruined… I will rub you out, eject you, and ensure you never set foot back in that building ever again.” It’s a vicious threat from deep down in my soul’s ruins, delivered with perfect poisonous clarity. Meaning every single word and knowing I have the means to follow through. They created me, after all, a monster for their bidding, the company hunting dog, and now she’s turning to bite the hand of her master. Mother’s eyes widen in shock at the change and hatred in me.
Jyeon frowns, and his expression saddens. Staring at me like he doesn’t really know me at all anymore, and any chance of a middle ground dies between us.
“Really? This is the path you choose? To Threaten me? To take away our fathers’ legacy and ruin OLO in the process. That’s what you want to do? For my trying to find love and happiness in someone else and setting us free for our own good? This is who you’ve become?” His ice match’s mine. Stubborn meeting steel, I nod, not breaking the intense focus on his eyes and showing no hint of remorse.
“Jyeon, go downstairs. I won’t ask you again. Move. You’re only escalating the situation.” Mother’s bitter biting request and shoving motion against his shoulder shifts him. He lets out a breathy noise like he can’t believe what I just said and turns and moves out slowly. Glancing back at me and shaking his head. He seems shocked that I had this in me, and yet, aren’t I the bitch that left her baby to die all alone?
Yoonah is still behind me, breathing heavily, and I can tell his face will be tear sodden without turning. My sweet, emotional puppy. His brother didn’t just betray me, but Yoonah’s entire family dynamic just went up in smoke. He rocked his world too.
Mother calmly smooths down her tunic dress, walks towards me with poise and grace, and closes the gap between us, so I lift my eyes to meet hers. No longer crying, no longer the feeble, broken mess as chills replace the pain. I await her maternal touch, words of wisdom, and guidance on what I should do now. Her sympathy for a broken heart. The disappointment in her golden child’s behavior of casting me aside.
Without warning, she slaps me hard across the face and knocks me sideways, shocking me to the core as she’s never once laid any kind of hand on me, and I stumble before crumbling on my legs and falling. Not expecting this at all. Yoonah gasps and dives at me, shielding me with his body. The pain shooting through my face is nothing compared to the complete disbelief and white blank pause of having her hurt me physically. I gasp and stare at her with wide, shocked eyes, cradling my face, my heart constricting in pain.
“Mom?” Yoonah’s as shocked as I am, but she stands towering over me with sudden deadly intent. A looming cold figure that resembles me at my worst.
“You will never dare to step on my son or threaten him in that manner again, you hear me.”
I start to shake all over, clasping my burning cheek and blinking at her in stupefaction, reverting to a fifteen-year-old girl and my heart pounding through my rib cage.
“Mother…?” it’s a soft, desperate utterance, misty-eyed and wounded. Shook. I’m back to being a child who quakes in the shadow of a scolding. Only this is so much worse.
“There will be no divorce. OLO will never be yours. Over my dead body. If your husband has strayed, then you fix it. You suck it up, recognize your mistakes, and eject that bitch from his life. Didn’t I teach you anything at all? There will be no share war, no scandal, and removing my son from his rightful place.” Her tone is fierce and calculative, and I wither back as she leans towards me, feeling genuine fear for her this way. Seeing a devil in place of the woman I have loved as a mother for the last eleven years, I can’t control the tears pouring down my cheeks. The inward inability to stand up to this face.
“If your marriage fails, it’s on your head, Sohla. I will not leave you alone if you destroy my son’s reputation or life. You better fix this. I don’t care what means you use to get that floozy out of the picture, but you better do it fast and bring your husband back to heel. Or you can leave my house and leave the name Park where it belongs.”
Yoonah is gobsmacked and can only hold me from behind, bug-eyed and silent-lipped, staring at her like she has two heads. I’m rendered mute and nod—obedience ingrained.
She stands up again and once more fixes her attire. As though she didn’t just destroy our bond of a lifetime with one simple act.
“I didn’t waste my life making you perfect just for you to lose to some loose woman on a whim. She doesn’t hold a candle to you, no doubt, so why are you wallowing in self-pity? I’m ashamed that this is how you dealt with such a simple issue. You better get it done before this becomes a problem. And clean up this mess; it’s disgusting. Don’t come down until it’s done.”
She turns on her heel and walks out with all the skill and precision of a catwalk model and not a single ounce of shame at what she just said to me. What blame she just laid? What she just did.
My legs are too weak to get up, and I let out a strangled noise, a breathy cry as it hits me full force in the face; what just happened.
“Sohla.” Yoonah slides up behind me, his legs coming to either side of my trembling body, and he hugs me tight. Crying quietly for my pain, I can only repeat it repeatedly inside my head. The words she laid heavily on me. The conditioning, the responsibility. Once again, placing my worth on the unattainable.
This is my fault, and I have to fix it by any means.