The question needs to be asked under the morning song of birds, as silence sets in. The curiosity in Vlad's eyes changes to coldness. It feels as if winter's chill has breathed on me. The man remains still, silent, only looking piercingly. The lazy smile disappears.
Anxiety spreads through my body. The relaxed atmosphere between us vanishes. Only the unknown and my fear remain. I swallow nervously. With anticipation, I look into his dark eyes, wishing that the Saint would have an explanation. I want him to explain.
— It had to be this way, — he finally replies dryly.
— That’s not an answer, — I say quietly.
— Do you want the truth? — he raises his dark eyebrows. — Do you want me to repeat what you heard? We have an agreement, Juliana. We are playing a game with rules to achieve the desired outcome. You accepted them. You gave your consent upon receiving a guarantee of your condition being fulfilled. I didn’t promise love, family, or anything like that.
Every word cuts like a knife. It drives into my heart with a sharp blade. Time and again, it’s enough for Saint’s lips to start moving.
He said this, yes. He said it even before our night together. Why did I think something had changed?
— I know, — I reply bitterly. — I know. But…
I pull away. I sit, wrapping myself in a blanket.
— But you expected something else. I will have to remind you, Juliana, that it was you who said “And still…” You decided to go all in. I promised freedom to your family. I promised that your father wouldn’t find you or harm you because you are my bride. In this, it seems, I misled you. I didn’t think the Wild would dare to strike. He did strike, didn’t he? He will pay for that. My own will not be harmed. The reason why I had to live at home before the wedding is clear. I needed time to settle everything regarding the marriage. Is this better? — he carves coldly.
A weight falls on my soul like a burden. I thought I had rid myself of this feeling, but no… It is once again my faithful companion.
— How long will our marriage last? — I ask dully, feeling his gaze on my back.
— As long as it is beneficial for both of us.
Bitter tears roll down my cheeks. Fortunately, the Saint does not see them. I don’t want him to see. Because this once again proves how much I need him. I hadn’t cried over men before… There was no need. And now… I feel something new again, and again with Vlad.
— Will I live with you? — I quietly echo.
— With me. Your studies at the academy are yours. You can comfortably live your student life to the fullest.
Tears continue to silently stream down my face.
— So, to the fullest?
— That means socializing, getting to know people, finding yourself, and resting. The agreement that sometimes you’ll have to step out with me into the world still stands. It was, in principle, announced beforehand. Think about your new friend; you shouldn’t continue your communication. As for everything else… — he continues more relaxed. — Enjoy it.
— What about our night? — it sounds bitter, even humiliating, but I can’t help but ask. He asked…
— We can repeat it as often as we both want, Juliana.
The pain penetrates every cell of my body. It tears my soul into pieces, leaving nothing but bitterness in my mouth. As often as we want…
I rise, dragging the blanket with me. My gaze falls on the wedding dress. It lies like a fluffy cloud on the floor. Not a dress, not an object of joy, but a reminder of the wedding, shattered dreams, and hopes. It seems I should close my eyes to see my own back in Vlad’s knives. How beautifully he spoke of us back then… I see hope and salvation in the Saint, yet he pushes me away. I trust him with my life, and he destroys it.
— When will my father find out that Timur deceived him? — I ask without turning around.
— Soon.
I nod. More to myself than to Vlad. I leave the bedroom and go to find the bathroom. I almost immediately reach it, though I can hardly see anything through my tears. I can barely hold back sobs so I don’t start crying out loud throughout the house. I turn on the water loudly, lock the door, and sit under the stream. Only then do I allow my emotions to flow. Only then do I allow my broken heart to, for the second time, feel the full spectrum of pain thresholds and helplessly clench into stone.
“...didn’t promise” — neither love, nor family, nor tenderness, only protection, but even that he failed.
Sobbing erupts from my chest like a cry. It hurts so much. Even more than when I was at my father’s house. It hurts to the point of torn skin on my palms, to the point of ripped hair, to the destruction of my subconscious.
The water muffles my cries. It doesn’t wash away the pain because it can’t. But it hides me and allows me to pour out the despair that bursts from my chest.
A knock at the bathroom door startles me. I immediately fall silent and look at the door. Tears dry up. The inner habit of enduring and not revealing real emotions helps. It emerged due to my father’s taunts, and now I have to make use of it because of his efforts.
— Juliana? — calls Vlad.
— What? — I shout and turn off the water.
— Is everything alright?
I sigh. Alright? A hysterical laugh escapes my mouth. God, how can it be alright when I’ve fallen head over heels for a man who doesn’t need me?
— Yes, everything is fine!
I watch as the doorknob turns. Vlad enters the bathroom. In a panic, I grab a white towel from the rack and cover my exposed body. The Saint slowly approaches, looking into my eyes. The deep blue oceans show no emotion.
— I’m naked, — I stammer.
— We are husband and wife. We slept together. Do you think it makes sense to hide your body?
I swallow hard against the lump in my throat. The iron self-control that prevents hysteria from breaking free makes me stand perfectly straight and tightly press the towel to my body.
— Our marriage will be short, — I blurt out.
— Why do you think that? — he asks lazily and steps even closer.
Vlad is hardly concerned that I am standing in the shower; my heart is pounding like mad, and shyness paints my cheeks red.
— You said it yourself, — I reply slowly.
— I said it would last as long as it is beneficial for both of us.
I don’t understand. Isn’t this the same thing? He has divided our lives, married or not. I will be studying at the academy, he will be occupied with… probably AMB and dealing with his father. Essentially, he has offered to engage in love at will, ignoring feelings. Not his... Mine. Because I can’t sleep with him as often as I want. It simply hurts… My heart screams desperately that it would be wonderful, but my mind… It's against it. It wants something real. Despite the shattered hopes.
I wanted to justify the Saint. I wanted to understand why he sent me to my father before the wedding. Instead, I learned that our marriage is indeed fictitious… I am merely a means to an end for his brothers. And that’s it. Not a word about love… not a word about something more. We are together, yet separate.