It feels like it's been days in this truck, and between napping, sitting to watch the scenery go by, and one fuel stop, nothing else has happened. Endless miles of road, strained moods, and boredom as we pensively fall silent in our thoughts.
We had odd looks from passing cars on the road, and at the garage we stopped at. The military truck covered in rune symbols and carrying three young-looking women seems to bring attention from humans... males, to be exact. I guess, given that wolves, after turning, are physically attractive and as close to perfection as we can get in the eyes of humans.
They are a strange species with absolutely no concept of boundaries. Meadow was so close to ripping one guy's throat out who tried to feel her ass when she was paying for the gas, and I had to drag her away before he spotted the glowing ember eyes or the low growl emitting from her chest. She was about a millisecond away from turning feral and showing him how big her claws can get when riled.
Wolves are notorious for low patience and hot tempers, which is one of the many reasons we stay away from humans as much as possible. Other wolves can take the heat and the aggressive responses and don't blink at turning wolf for a brawl.
Human men are vile. Meadow is not a great fan of humankind, any day of the week, and after our short interactions at one gas station, I can see why. On the other hand, Carmen doesn't seem to care either way. I know she spent far more time in the human world in the past, given she's part one, and she ignored the comments from passing vehicles when we opened the windows for air. I never knew cat-calling women from your car was a thing. Wolves certainly don't do it, and I don't see what they hoped to gain other than a loss of blood.
So now the windows are up, despite the muggy heat, and the air con is nonexistent in this truck. It's slow, plods along noisily, and I'm bored out of my mind with nothing to focus on except the issues we avoid discussing. All thoughts of imminent danger are hard to keep at the forefront when all you have is endless miles of road and feeble humans who have no concept of how close to being dinner they are if they keep irritating us.
"I'm getting crampy... Carmen, it's time to switch." Meadow breaks the silence and pulls over to the side so they can physically swap over, and Carmen quickly takes the driver's seat. Meadow slides onto the double seat beside me. As I'm by the window anyway, she leans back, stretching her legs. It's been more than half a day of her sitting in that position, and the relief as she sprawls out is evident.
"How much further?" I ask, unaware of how many hours I napped earlier and how many miles we have covered since.
"We're more than halfway... we made good time." She leans her head on my shoulder and curls her arm through mine, snuggling in and taking comfort from my body. No awkwardness, as we have been snuggly many times in our friendship these past months. "Can I nap here? I'll move if it gets uncomfy." She asks me softly, tiredness etched in her voice, and I beam a smile and nod my head. I don't mind being used as a cushion. It helps deal with the pangs of loneliness from not having Colton's touch or his attentive presence keeping me warm.
He's been on my mind constantly since we sat back here. After long silent hours, as none of us wanted to converse much, my mind wandered repetitively to scenes of him smiling, laughing, and kissing me. Torturing me into a quiet, somber mood and pushing my heart into heavy sadness once again. There's so much going on in our separate minds that we haven't been great travel buddies in terms of conversation, and the air is heavy with the knowledge this isn't a happy road trip or a vacation. Carmen has said nothing much since her initial spat with Meadow.
"Stick with the road signs to New Mexico. We'll call Sierra when we get there." She commands Carmen, then slides further to curl against me and closes her eyes. Despite sleeping last night, it was fitful and not restful. We both needed more than we got. My nap was a great short-term boost, but I can't shift the emotional fatigue hanging over me like a dark cloud.
"What about you? Do you want some chat, music, or company?" I ask Carmen, offering companionship, but she shakes her head without looking my way. Her face is determined as she focuses on the road and effortlessly eases the truck under her control. We haven't had to stop for food; we have enough in the packed crates, and she's chewing on a granola bar as she drives.
I don't expect a verbal response and go back to leaning my head against the window, staring out in hopes that I may fall back asleep and lose some of the hours of this monotonous trip.
"It's weird, isn't it.... the lack of understanding of danger in the human world. It's like they don't even contemplate a whole other space out there, with creatures and wars that don't touch their lives." I point out, thinking aloud, and sigh as we pass another holiday home-type truck packed with a family of young ones eagerly beaming out at the windows of passing vehicles to wave. I gaze at them as we overtake and get in front, watching how one of the kids points at the symbols on our truck and the mother in the passenger seat looks up in interest.
"Humans are oblivious and self-absorbed. One of the cruelest species in so many ways, despite some of us having blood lust, urges, and abilities to rip our enemies apart on a whim." Carmen taps the wheel, a slight hint of annoyance in her husky response, and I blink at her in intrigue.
"You seem to know a lot about humans. I know you spent time in their world. Are they really that bad.”? This topic has intrigued me over the years, I guess. Given they make up most of the population yet seem to be the most ill-informed and uneducated about the species of the world they live in.
"Not all of them, just different. Their world is not like ours. To them, they probably would never understand our hierarchy, the way we do things. Our aggression, or how we conduct our relationships. Yet their values, sense of community, and packs are unlike ours. Many don't care about anything beyond their bubble, their own noses... I guess that's where I get it from."
Her words startle me, and then it dawns on me that she is referring to what she said back at the homestead about being part human, and I gaze at her for the longest moment, trying to form a response. She seems unfazed by verbally admitting it again. Colton was right, and Carmen is so hard to read, even with my ability to feel people's emotions. She carries a veil of impenetrable rock and can shield everything under indifference or a cold front most of the time.
"You told Meadow you care about the wolves at the mountain... So maybe you're not all that self-absorbed. You loved your mom; you did what you thought was right for her." I point out, hoping to open an avenue of conversation, but her darkening look as she glares ahead tells me I said the wrong thing. Her whole posture stiffens, signaling she doesn't want to discuss this.
"Look how that helped... I got her killed, and all this..... Maybe it's better when I don't give a shit about people. They always fuck me over anyway." the biting undertone, the undercurrent of bitterness, and guilt hit me in the stomach as I connect her last sentence to maybe what Colton did. What the sub-pack did was turn away from her and root for me instead. I guess it was a betrayal in her eyes that she was so easily cast aside as something worthless, even if it's not exactly how it played out. Even though he had no control over imprinting and breaking her heart, she still carries the pain she saw as adultery.
"What happened in the months since we left?" I don't know what else to say, so maybe a question would be better, and as she is clamping down on the other topic, I should try and ease the atmosphere with chat. I feel out of my depths, weird, and moody even though I seem calm and upbeat.
"Life happened. Juan happened." Her voice croaks in her throat, and she looks away to hide her face as she quickly wipes it and goes back to glaring outside. A sudden hint of emotion again, and she seems to curse herself out for showing weakness in the form of a tear. So much hostility in her aura, and I wish she would open up and tell me to talk it out, to share and ease her weighty burden.
"Carmen, I'm trying to help. We don't know what went down after. We only knew what to do at the homestead to keep the people safe. You have to open up to ....." I try for my therapy tone of Luna, the easing of a wolf to confide, but she doesn't let me finish.
"I don't need to open up. I'm fine. The past is done. Nothing can change it, and I want to make up for what I caused and be done with all of this." A short snap, a tightening of fingers on the wheel, and that abrasive manner that is meant to shut me up. Only I'm as stubborn as she is. I grit my teeth to curb my irritation at her and lock my eyes on her profile as she stares at where we are heading.
"You didn't cause this! I told you already." I grind out.
"Yes, I did..... not just my mom. All of it. Had I never interfered, had I never pulled Colton back to me and tried to keep you apart when I did. Because of me, you left. Because of that, Colton stood up to him, split the pack, and abandoned the mountain. That was the worst thing for everyone. Colton was the influence that kept the people moderately safe. Whether he knew it or not. His father is a devil, and without Colton's presence and the hope of his heir being his bright shining legacy, Juan finally let out all the evil in his heart. I did that. I fucked up what the fates wanted, and they have punished me ever since." She spins her head at me, her pallor pale, her eyes shining with moisture as she struggles to hold it all in, and I see the deep-rooted guilt etched all over the sudden show of vulnerability on her face. I'm speechless as I stare at her in open-mouthed shock, trying to absorb her words and organize some logic to her statement.
"It's not that simple, and the fates... they intended things to go the way they did. It was all part of the plan, Carmen. All those paths needed to be walked on to get us where we needed to be."
"Was it, really?" she asks sarcastically, oozing bitterness. "I don't think so." She signals as we approach a turn-off, follows the road behind a row of traffic, and looks back at me, biting harshly with a haughty tone. "My mom, she was just another notch. Another lashing from a whip that has been coming down on me since Colton imprinted on you........ So, if I did nothing wrong, then why am I being punished by the fates?" she throws her hair back over her shoulder and taps her nails impatiently on the wheel as the traffic slows us down and doesn't seem to want to look at me anymore. I can taste the growing energy around her, and it's not friendly at all. She has so much pent-up anger, pain, and something else deep inside that I can't pull apart. A huge gulf of darkness clawing at her aura and screaming out.
"What do you mean by that? What else has happened to you besides Colton's breakup? Stop being vague and talk to me! I'm trying to help, to understand, and I'm not psychic." Her emotions are making me antsy and on edge, as my senses are heightened, and an overwhelming agony starts to claw at my insides. I’m feeding from her now she's releasing some of her hidden distress.
"Why? Because you're my Luna now? Because you suddenly care about me? We were never friends. In fact, the exact opposite, and if this is sympathy because of my mom, I don't want it. I don't need your pity!"
I can't respond to that because it's none of those things, yet all of them too. I have empathy; I see someone that may be more than I thought she was, but yes, it's also driven because of what we now share.... the loss of our mothers in a horrific way. And the loss of her pack when they left her, the loss of her family. It’s complex and deeper than any of those singular things and partly because, since I became Luna, this care, this need to look after and comfort my people, is as natural as breathing. I feel guilty towards her because of my part in taking her mate from her on top of everything. I can't fight it, and it doesn't differentiate between people, even with our pasts. Colton told me the marking brought up all those necessary Luna gifts that were bestowed upon me the second I was his mate. To be a better leader, and I can't switch it off. I care because I'm meant to.
"Juan blamed me... He punished me in that damn box.... for weeks! I failed to do what he wanted, and his son left and mated up with you. I had one job that I didn't do, and Juan, well, we all know how crazy he is. If it wasn't for others in the pack and my mom getting me out, reasoning for my release...... I would still be there while my father didn't give a shit about what he did to me." It's almost shrill as she hits an emotional peak and then inhales to calm herself down, gripping the wheel, shifting in her seat harshly, gritting her teeth, and the tears that wash down her cheek are swiped away aggressively.
"He put you in an isolation tank?" I blanche at her words, tensing enough that Meadow shifts in her sleep at my sudden reaction and murmurs before settling back down again. I'm shocked that Juan would punish her for something she had no control over.
"He did.... and he made sure I felt pain daily for disobeying him. He only let me heal when my life depended on it because he didn't want his new toy to die and give him nothing to torture anymore. He had nowhere else to vent. Colton was gone, and half the pack too. His prisoners at his secret lab... All he had were the people who opposed him and the femme who failed to do what he demanded. Juan's sick in the head on a level we never truly comprehended!" The pain in her voice goes far beyond bitterness, and for a second, I feel a flash of hatred, resentment, and lingering pain from what she endured with this man.
"He tortured you, for Colton... for me.?" I feel sick to my stomach, knowing the depths of agony she endured while we were oblivious in our new life and barely gave her a second thought. Never would we have guessed that after losing in this scenario, she would still carry the weight of our consequences in horrifying ways.
"If I had known what would happen, I would've left when the rest did, but my mom... She needed me." Her words become softer, broken somehow, and she stifles a wavering sob coming up from the depths. The intensity of her heartache finally comes to show face, and it hammers through my soul. She's suffered because of what we did.
"Carmen, I'm so sorry." I can't even begin to understand what she has been through, and to look at her, you would never know. The wall is up again and growing taller before my eyes. The fierce is on show again, and her only focus in all of this was her mother's safety. The final blow was when the fates let her die. No wonder she thinks she's cursed or somehow being punished by the higher powers.
"Yeah, well, you didn't turn us away. At least her last hours were not around that toxic man and his minions. She got to experience the pack again, a safe place, and genuine love before she did what she did."
"So, the rumors about how he is treating the people," I interject, breathing heavily as all this swirls around my brain, and her hands clench and unclench as we get back up to speed in a new flow of faster traffic. I can feel her inner battle as her mind tells her that vulnerability is a weakness while her heart begs to grieve. Conflict thick around her.
"Juan likes to exert his dominance on anyone who doesn't march to the beat of his drum. Others were in the tanks for punishment when I was. One of them came back for me, convinced the guards it wasn't right to do this to our own pack, and finally, Juan got bored of using me to vent and stopped coming to the cells. I was lying when I said I left the mountain for only my mom's sake... I got us out because I knew it was only a matter of time before I ended up back in there. Juan was getting more controlling as the weeks passed. Anyone who even looked like they were questioning his orders was shackled and dragged to the cells, and he would eventually notice that I wasn't where he had left me. I had to hide all the time, stay out of sight. Luckily my father never came home, ever."
"I don't know what to say. We never knew that it was like that back there for you, for all of them. We never imagined he would torture his own." I sit, dazed, looking at her face, watching the still, almost tough expression as she forces herself not to break down in front of me, and I'm awed. I thought I was tough with everything I got through in my lifetime, but Carmen is on a whole other level.
"He tried to kill his own son and slaughtered any who helped him that didn't leave... what do you think he's capable of?" It's a matter-of-fact retort. There is no hint of nasty, yet it has the same effect and sucker punches me in the gut, rendering me breathless. I inhale sharply and turn away as the shock reverberates around my skull. This is the first real confirmation that Juan killed wolves after the split. None of the others ever came out and would truthfully tell Colton that some perished, probably for fear he would go back there and rage a second war and lose more of our kind. He suspected but wasn't sure, and it seemed no one wanted him to carry the guilt by being honest. He was their savior, their alpha, and they kept it from him because they knew how he would take the news that many died for helping him. I wonder how many held this or suspected it.
"We never knew," I whisper, squeezing Meadow’s sleeping form tighter. Needing physical touch to comfort and ground my spiraling emotions as the guilt eats away heavily at my heart.
"You wouldn’t..... he wasn't exactly public about it. Those he ended were taken down in the cells, and he burned their bodies to clean up the mess under his cloak of deceit. The people only assumed they were kept there or ran after you when freed. I'm guessing those who got here after figured it out when they didn't find them waiting, or maybe they think they are all still locked up in the cells. Who knows? I just saw too many die when I was down there and wondered why he never killed me."
"Your father... you're his only legacy, even if he has nothing to do with you. Juan is all about bloodline, so despite your father not wanting you, he wouldn't remove his beta's chance of a future. Juan's twisted like that." I say it numbly, like the logical part of my brain can still pull together thoughts while my emotional side is in chaos, choking on revelations and inwardly crying for our people.
"Maybe...but what good am I? I never imprinted when I turned, and I've seen every male in our pack since, and it never happened. I thought I had found love, and it wasn't real. I don't think there's anyone out there that wants to be stuck with this, and my father only had his sights set on me mating to Juan's offspring." Carmen's factual statement makes me bleed for her. Instantly upset about her lack of worth, especially when I used to feel the same way and know how counterproductive it can be to your mental state.
"Don't talk like that. We're one pack in many. There's a wolf out there, and maybe you just haven't found him yet... the fates don't leave us alone... They always have a plan!" I hasten.
"Yes, they do! Radar has been pining for Sierra for over a decade... I can guess he still is now she's alive and here. The fates don't give a shit about mateless wolves as long as their 'plan' is steaming ahead and going how they want it to. Like me, the casualties get left on the sidelines as unimportant."
"I used to think like you. I used to believe I was alone and no one out there gave any crap about me. That I was worthless and invisible. I endured pain and broke with heartache and grief, but I kept going. If someone like me can find love, family, and belonging, you can too. Don't close your heart to hope." It sounds like I'm begging her not to give up, my tone soft yet high because everyone has to hold onto something, or else they lose their way in life. This is why she isn't afraid to die. Every tiny bright thing she ever held onto is now snubbed out.
Carmen shakes her head, finally turning sad eyes to me, and a bittersweet smile laced with sarcasm takes over her flawless face. A haunting look that is so detached yet cold, and I truly wish she would experience one kindness in life that could make a difference to her.
"You forget, Luna. I'm not some prophesied half-vamp destined to lead a people. I'm half-human, from a family that is now gone... No one needs me, no great destiny... I'm not part of this story; if I had one of my own, it would have happened before now."
"Bullshit. You ARE part of this story. You're here, aren't you? You're helping... you're back with the pack. Maybe Colton isn't your happy ever after, maybe this specific story isn't about you, but the fates don't make mistakes, and you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be with me now if there weren't a reason. You have worth, and I bet my last breath your story is far from over." My venomous conviction rings true, my heart certain of this fact, and I refuse to dismiss her as some unimportant object that was dropped along the way. She was a huge thorn in my side, a recurrent shadow of my happiness, and there's no way the fates would have made me become so tied to her like this for absolutely nothing. She has to have some importance.
"I think the reason is you are too soft, and Meadow, well, she wanted a verbal punch bag for a long ass journey while neither of you wanted Sierra to deal with the mess I was yesterday. I'm not stupid. I'm also not about to crumble and throw myself to the vampires. I'm not my mom. I don't need babysitting, and I'll only take so much of Meadow's attitude before rupturing her eardrums." It's said with a hint of sass, and a smile curls up unexpectedly at the corner of her mouth that I can't miss. A touch of softening as she dampens down her emotions once more and returns to that cold aloofness I am getting used to.
I have to admire the girl. She has a fire in her, even if it's shrouded in an unlikeable attitude. I can see what she says is true, and knowing now she endured months of torture and pain at Juan's hands, I know she's not about to curl up and cry. She has a fight in her, and maybe Meadow knew it, and that's why she wanted her to come. She doesn't like her, she never did, but Meadow knows skill and has a sixth sense of people's abilities. She relies on it with our pack, and if she thought Carmen was an asset on this trip, then I know she chose her by putting her feelings aside. There is more to this girl than I even credited her for, and I only hope I see her shine sooner rather than later. Even if I can't believe I am actually thinking this way about my once sworn enemy.
"Just try and not fight with her.... my eardrums are not to blame for you two and your spats." I point out with a raised brow, and Carmen sighs in mutual defeat.
"I hate how much he loves you... how you are together, and I'm not sorry about that. It hurts to see it... but I won't do anything to jeopardize my place in the homestead. It's not easy to get over someone like him, but I know it's pointless to even look at him twice. I can see where his heart and his focus lie. I'm not a threat, not that I ever could be... I'm just saying." She shrugs, turning her full attention back to driving, and the simmering atmosphere seems to dull down and dissipate so quickly that it's unnerving.
She's honest anyway, even if the deliverance is harsh, and I don't like some of the content, but I respect the fact she's being truthful about what she feels, and I stretch out and sigh heavily.
"I'm sorry that you got hurt. That he had someone before me that had to let him go. I can't imagine what that must have felt like. It wasn't what I wanted; I didn't even know him." Although from the moment we imprinted, I knew I could never let him go and want him or not, I was his forever. It doesn't change that what we did was cruel, even if neither of us controlled it. I see that now.
"Yeah, well, as I said... the world keeps turning. I'm sure it's not the last time I'll experience hell for merely existing. I'm starting to accept it's maybe what's meant for me."