Surprisingly, despite my mind working overtime and inability to stop picturing Colton inside my head, I fell asleep. Curled up with Meadow, talking quietly until the darkness grew so that we could no longer see each other, and we faded into tiredness. I don’t remember who fell asleep first, but I woke to her rousing me with a shake and telling me we had to get up. Exhausted, groggy, and somewhat disorientated, I came to and impulsively reached for my mate's warm and familiar body and blinked at the shock of his absence.
It was then that it all came rushing back, and I almost cried, realizing that none of it was a dream. He’s really not here to welcome my day, kiss me good morning, or hug me awake. And that today, we must leave to drive an almost full day to find a witch who may or may not help us. It feels like being sucker-punched by a cannonball, and my heart faltered before pounding through my chest most agonizingly.
It’s way too early in the day, the sun is not quite fully up, but I know we have to get out of here at first light to make sure we hit our destination before the sun comes down again. The goal is to get there without stopping and try to make it in one day.
I wander down with her, half asleep, fatigue kicking my ass still, and we grab a quick cold breakfast in the kitchens as quietly as possible to avoid attracting attention and spread the word we are sneaking out.
We didn’t tell them we planned on leaving so as not to cause panic and have the remainder of the pack try and talk us out of going. We rely on Sierra to tell them after we go so no one can hinder our progress. Wolves are naturally protective, and when it comes to a Luna, they will hold me against my will for my own safety if they feel it’s needed.
Everyone is on edge, and I know the loss of their Luna on top of their alpha’s absence will send them into a frenzy and barricade us from leaving. Wolves need the hierarchy more than is logical sometimes. Especially the peaceable land-dwelling type, and by going out there, I am abandoning them to their fate should anything happen to me. They will be unhappy when they know that Rema is now in charge, and they have neither Alpha nor Luna on the grounds.
It has to be done. I have the strongest gifts, which give us more chance of doing this without death. And the spell books and the bottle seemed pretty certain I was meant to go with Meadow to see this through, for whatever reason.
I walk slowly into the medical bay when Meadow cuts right to head outside and check the sentinels she left in charge of loading the truck. To see if they have done what they were asked. They know she’s leaving, but they don’t know about me. I am waiting until the last second to go out and jump in the truck with her; besides, I still have one task to carry out before we go.
Carmen is standing by the window when I walk in, staring outside at the obvious green mist lingering over the horizon. I can tell by the waves of mood coming her way she already knows what’s happened while she was asleep. She’s quiet, still, somber, and standing upright like that frosty bitch I knew so long ago. Only now, I can feel her so much better than I used to. The sadness is almost suffocating. If I didn’t know her before and only saw her like this now, I would be moved to pity this vulnerable creature and wonder who had hurt her so deeply.
I clear my throat to get her attention, feeling like I’m invading her space and a little awkward. She snaps around, startled at seeing it’s me and not the doctor, lowering her eyes in submission, knowing her place on our grounds.
“Luna…. I … I’m sorry for….” She begins with a waiver in her voice, her guilt seeping through so that I know what she’s about to say; almost like an overwhelming heavy dampener in the air, I cut her off. She is nothing like the fierce and stubborn girl of yesterday.
“You didn’t do this. She didn’t do this. It would have happened anyway. They were waiting for a time, and it was just a coincidence.” I try to soothe her, but the lack of change in her tight expression tells me my words are falling on deaf ears and her responsibility runs deep. I sigh and try a different approach to remove that dark shroud of worthlessness that is cloaking her and making me feel all kinds of emotions. “You can look at me. I permit you. After all, you are one of my sub-pack, and they’re family. No need for the formalities.” It’s the least I can do, given how awkward it is for her to stare at the ground while I attempt to comfort her and do a hash job of it.
Her eyes flash up at me, a hint of shock on that normally noble face as she second-guesses my words, looks away again, and then flickers back at me unsurely. I think she’s trying to figure out if I mean it or if I’m trying to catch her out, but I haven’t got time to waste today.
“Look, I didn’t come here to have a chit chat… I came to ask you something.” Knowing it’s almost time, my nerves are building, and I sigh and look around the room, trying to ground myself and sound stronger than I am. I feel like time is ticking away faster than I can handle, and yet also not. Like wading through sand in terms of how long it’s been since Colton held me.
“Yes, Luna.” She has the sense not to question anyway. I guess she is trying to step in line with my new role, or she’s so bogged down in her grief that all her fight has left her. I think it’s more that than anything else.
“Meadow and I… we have a plan, a possible solution to the fog, the spell. I’m sure the doctor has informed you of yesterday’s events and where we’re at. I was hoping you could come with us, Meadow and me. I think you may be useful, and we need the help while the numbers here are not what they were. It’ll be the three of us and only a few days away from here, hoping to find a solution.” My voice is steady and low, afraid any passing wolf will hear me, but inside I’m a crumbling mess of doubt and insecurity. I have no idea if this is a good plan or going to help, but we have to do something.
She gasps, in first surprise, and then eyes me up, mistrust all over her face as she thinks something through, and I can almost taste the apprehension coming from her in waves. That sharp look in her eye as her thoughts align.
“You think it will ease my sense of guilt!” She homes in on that immediately, stating it bluntly with a chill in her tone, and I have to pull myself rigid to not react to how well she saw through that ploy. It’s not all about easing her guilt, though. It’s also about her being useful. Meadow wouldn’t have suggested her if she thought she would be a dead weight we drag along, and right now, we need all the help we can get. I’m terrified about what we may face and won’t turn down someone with a gift like hers.
“You have gifts. Meadow vouched for your worthiness as a fighter, and as we are going without guards, I think three is better than two.” I completely dodge her statement, not willing to confirm that yes, I’m worried her sense of responsibility will have a long-term effect on her, and I don’t want to burden Sierra with her in our absence. She will have enough to deal with while we are gone and not have to babysit Carmen for fear of another wolf legging it out into the forest to end things.
“I can fight. I’m fast. I can break eardrums, glass, and sometimes brains…. and I want to make up for what my mother did that put us here. I brought her here. I did this. If I kept her at the mountain, then … so, what I’m saying is, yes. Don’t cotton pad me; I’m capable and willing.” Steel determination, even tone, and no hint of weakness as she locks an eye on me. Her emotion stabilizes as she regains control, and I’m impressed with how coldly she states it.
“Then you would all be enchanted too. And useless. The fog hit them not long after it hit here. We think every pack in this entire area was probably caught the same way. We were not the aim; we were only part of it.” I point out needing her to know that what her mother did was not the only cause.
“So, everyone…” she starts, and I cut in.
“Yes. Which is why we have to leave now because we have a possible fix.” I turn, motioning her to follow me, but she hesitates, and I am forced to pause while she verbalizes whatever the issue is.
“Is it true…. that Sierra is a witch? That Colton’s also a ….” She trails off, her voice weakening to a whisper, and she gazes almost through me, caught somewhere in her head. I realize despite living with all the exposed secrets all these months and making peace with them. This is all new to her. That months of getting used to this fact have normalized it into a mute topic, but for her, it’s like suddenly finding out everything you knew was wrong, and she is still reeling. I don’t doubt she discovered many things recently before coming here and is still digesting it all.
“It’s true.” I look over my shoulder at her, confirming my serious expression, and her eyes widen as she swallows noticeably. A sudden wave of unnatural wariness overcomes her aura.
“So, you?…. You’re a … part of them?” It’s a part accusation, emphasizing the word ‘them.’ A bitterness to her tone cut off with a croakiness of raw emotion breaking, and a tear rolls down her cheek before she can check it. I falter because I know this reaction well and should have expected it, given what’s happened. The realization that I’m part of the enemy and the people who just ripped her mother to shreds. I share their blood and stand before her, telling her I’m an ally, not a foe. It was hard for me to digest it so many months ago. It took a while for the pack to fully accept it and stop staring at me like I was some abomination at first, so I can’t even imagine what’s running through her mind as she stares at me so intensely and sees part monster who just destroyed her world.
“I am. My mother was part, so that makes me even less. Turns out there are a few hybrids in the Santos.” I sigh, dodging her obvious issue with this fact, really not wanting to stand and do this now, and yet she surprises me by blurting out a statement I suspected but didn’t think I would ever confirm.
“My mum was half-human. It’s why she was…. weak.” The shame that overcomes her tone, flushes her cheeks red, and pushes her gaze back to the ground, overwhelms me. I inhale in shock, turning back to her in time to see her dropping her chin to her chest and exhaling painfully as though letting out a long-burdened weight on her body, and I wonder if this is the first time she has told anyone those words. Being Luna means I can charm her pack into confiding her deepest secrets, but I never thought Carmen would be so willing to share something like this. I know for a fact Colton doesn’t have this in his memory banks, so she never told him at all.
“My dad was livid when he found out. He was so mad that he never touched her again, but she was already pregnant with me, and he pressured her into aborting. He loathed her for that part of her and me because it lives in me too and he hated that she defied him and kept me. Inferior…weak. Worthless. An impure hybrid with a completely giftless species, and he was ashamed to know us at all….. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.”