Meadow stays glued to the road with her foot pressed hard on the gas. The thuds at the rear persist, but their futile attempts at stopping or hitting us seem to push them to stop trying, well, at least tail off as more of them fall back the further we go. They become less frequent and less violent and more like small thuds that barely do anything other than shudder the walls for a second. It looks like they are bound to the homestead, and following us is not an option. We all hold our breaths and silently pray they give up as we carry forward at breakneck speed.
“Thinner means it’s maybe not going to be much longer, right?” Carmen breaks the tense silence and leans forward as though she is peering outside to try and see any end to the smog, and I sigh listlessly.
“I don’t know. The mountain is miles to the north, and it reached there. So, if it does thin, we have miles of it yet.” I point out in deflation and rest my head against the window frame, peering out into endless mist for miles.
“It reached the mountain?” Carmen gawps at my words, and I nod as she sits and stares blankly at me, her eyes misting up, and she shakes her head to clear the obvious emotion. “All those wolves, all those children.”
Meadow looks shocked for a second and narrows her eyes before glancing at Carmen from the side.
“When did you become Miss ‘I give a rats ass?’ I’ve never known you to care about anyone except yourself, and now you’re crying over wolves you spent a lifetime treating like trash.” Meadow’s anger spikes and I know it’s born of frustration and the tension of our current predicament, but it's harsh, even for Meadow.
“Meds?” I reach out, lay a hand on her arm, and throw her a look meant to say ‘calm down’ to diffuse and settle this hostility. Carmen has suffered a loss too, and it’s obvious she loved her mom and is still in much pain. I’ve never known Meadow to be so callous with a wolf’s feelings like this. Normally she is so maternal.
“A lot happened when you all left. There were people I cared about….. things change.” Carmen turns forward and stares out the window to hide the instant welling of tears in her eyes, and I sit in awkward silence, throwing Meadow a strained look. She sighs loudly, letting out a heavy breath, and slaps the wheel hard, making me jump.
“God dammit, Carmen. Don’t fucking do that. The last thing I need is to feel guilty over the likes of you. I never saw an ounce of humanity in the two years you were in our pack, and now I don’t even…. People don’t change that dramatically.” Meadow can’t help the venom in her tone, and despite me having more reason not to like this girl, Meadow has still never let go of her grudge about Carmen’s misdemeanors of the past. Maybe because they have a two-year history and much more than I ever did with her, perhaps that’s why. I don’t understand why she asked her to come if this was how she intended to be with her.
“What would you know?” Carmen mumbles it to the window and more to herself than Meadow, her mood spiking into many conflicted feelings that I can’t read, and I honestly don’t know how to mediate. I love Meds to death, and well, Carmen, she’s not my favorite person, but I do feel this isn’t the time nor place.
“What did you say?” Meadow is obviously looking for a fight, and I get it. She’s in pain. This is how she is. Her outlet when she needs to vent is to be fierce, and Cesar usually handles her like this. Her pain comes out in aggression, loud, sassy attitude, hot fiery passion, or sheer fury, and she has only us two to take it out on. She would never do it to me, not because I’m her Luna, but because she protects and loves me like my mother, and I never get her rage. Cesar can handle it; he draws it to him on purpose when she gets this way so he can take her back down to a normal level.
“I said…. What. Would. You. Know!” Carmen bites it back at her boldly, annunciating every word cattily, turning with a tight expression, eyes ambering in anger. This time turning fully hostile, the heat and sparks rise between them like high voltage energy, crackling as Carmen’s temper bites.
“Stop it.” I snap at both and raise my hands to wipe my face in frustration. “You two better not be like this for this entire trip.” My patience snaps, my attempts at hopeful and upbeat are stomped out, and instead, heavy fatigue grips me as my head starts to ache. I can’t deal with this shit.
“I’m sorry.” Meadow grinds her teeth, glancing at me with an apology and a hint of defeat on her pretty face, and returns to the road. Suddenly, something comes to her realization as she widens her eyes and quickly turns left to right with a quick head move. “They’ve stopped,” she points out, and instinctively I turn and look out the back window, seeing nothing but the distant still shadows of figures in the fog, unmoving and letting us leave with no more interaction. Carmen turns too.
“Why did they stop so easily?”
“Maybe they can’t go any further….. look.” Meadow points ahead, pulling our attention back to the windscreen, and we can see where the fog thins out enough that it’s barely there. Finally, an end is in sight to this depressing smoke. It’s thinning to almost nonexistent, and I wonder if the spell may weaken when they leave it for any length of time.
“You don’t think….” I trail off, unsure how to word it, but Meadow cuts in.
“Maybe, I mean, it’s a possible backup plan, right…. kidnapping them one at a time and keeping them out of the fog out here to see…. If all else fails.” She shrugs, a look of possibility glinting in her eye.
I blink at her, my gut churning over, gazing back at the distant figures again, and sigh heavily, expelling some heaviness now we know we are running free.
“It can’t be that simple. There has to be another reason they aren’t following us.”
“We are three…. the homestead is dozens. Maybe they just want to stay where they have more to kill.” Carmen chimes in bluntly, as gracious as ever, and I shudder at the thought. Maybe she’s right, even if she said it without tact or obvious emotion. What are three lone wolves when they have an entire homestead of hundreds left behind? If blood and destruction are what they’re after, we are too much effort to chase when they can’t get into our steel box.
The thought makes me sick, and as we hightail it onto the main route and relatively clean air with no more impaired vision, the sun warms us as it starts to reach higher in the sky. If we were not on such a depressing mission, it would be the start of a beautiful and unusually warm day. I rub my temples, overwhelmed with utter sadness and despair at what we must do, and force Colton out of my mind again. The constant craving for him never seems to subside, and now we’re leaving them behind. I experience a new sense of longing and a slight panic that we will be far apart.
“Don’t think about it. Just focus on what we must do. It’s a long drive, and we must stick to human routes to keep contact with other packs to a minimum. If we plow on, we can get there before dark as long as we keep stops to fuel only.” Meadow pats me on the shoulder and pushes my hair off my face in that gentle mom-type way she has. “Sleep while you can. You look exhausted. We need our Luna to be fit and well, and I don’t need you right now. You too, Carmen. You can take over driving when I need a break.” Meadow is in bossy mode once more. Bickering forgotten, commanding like she does the sub pack and the sentinels, I nod, knowing there’s not much to do but stare at passing scenery while these two butt heads and glare the journey away.
Carmen doesn’t argue but gets up, moves to the back, and climbs onto a stabilized bed. Turning away from us and pulling the blanket in front of her face. I could sense her tiredness when I collected her earlier. I guess sedation and grief are not a great combo, and I’m sort of glad she’s chosen to go lay down. I stop as I lift from my seat and lean down to Meadow, linking only her with a gentle tone.
“Go easy on her. I get the feeling things have happened in the past months, and she doesn’t seem the same. Remember what’s just happened to her.” I squeeze Med's shoulder lightly and smile as her eyes dart to mine for a second.
“It’s hard to let go of old grudges when she looks and seems exactly the same. Her mom died, yet she seems fine. She’s so much more stable than I expected her to be.” Meadow bites bitterly as though she is somehow disappointed in Carmen for not breaking down, but I frown at her and shake my head.
“Everyone grieves in their own way. I think she’s in shock, and it hasn’t sunk in that she’s gone. Please treat her like you treat any other wolf in the pack. Forget who she used to be. Her heart is broken. I can feel it.”
“Is that a command, Luna?” Meadow looks me up with a hint of attitude, knowing I usually never tell her what to do regarding how she handles things, and I throw her an exasperated look.
I have never commanded Meadow to do anything in all the months I have been such. She’s my best friend. It’s a line I don’t like crossing, even if I have a right to do it. She was there for me when I was no one, and I don’t want to lord over her in any way when she mothers me effectively.
“It’s a gentle request for me.” I point out with a smile and lean in to kiss her on the temple. Smoothing back her hair to show her my deepest love and respect and that I don’t want bad blood between us and pause before I head to the back.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to sit with you for now? Company?” I hesitate and go as if to sit again, but Meadow shakes her head
“I need thinking time. Seeing him, hitting him with the truck… my head’s a mess. I want some space to process shit.” She furrows her brow over a saddened gaze and taps the wheel distractedly, shaking free some of the surging sadness that seems to climb over her.
“It’s not him…. None of them are themselves right now. Don’t dwell. Stay focused and remember that none of them control what’s happening.” I rub her shoulder again and take the hint to move, leaving her sitting in the driver's seat while I go to the back and climb onto the other made-up bed.
Carmen is quiet, but I can tell by her breathing she’s wide awake and staring at the truck wall. Her back to me, her posture stiff and unrelaxed despite lying down, and I feel for her.
“Are you okay?” I ask her as I settle on the bed blankets and lay down, relieved that these are pretty comfortable despite being medical trolleys.
“No, but does it matter?…. Life goes on. The world keeps turning. People die…. It’s the living that matter.” her response is low, shocking to me, and almost bitter though she doesn’t turn to look at me.
“If you need to talk….” I start to try for compassion, the will of my Luna side taking hold to try and ease a pack member.
“I don’t. I need to sleep.” It’s a snapped final statement, and she reinforces it by pulling the blanket over her head to shut me out and make it clear I need to leave her alone. Waves of iciness are thrown my way, and I take the hint, slightly irritated by her brisk manner, and can only exhale to calm my turmoil.
“Okay then. Goodnight, I guess.” I try not to let her get to me, but this situation is weird. In here, I’m no Luna when it comes to these two head-butting stubborn femmes, and it feels like we are just three girls with old wounds on a road trip to try and make sense of everything that has ever come to us.
If only that were true.