I go out of the room for a bit after our little dinner. When I return later, Brandon is sitting on his bed with his legs crossed, holding his iPad. I realize that he’s changed the bed covers as well.
He smiles at me. “I just thought it might be more comfortable for you.”
“Are we going to sleep now?” I ask. It’s kind of early, and I still want to spend more time with him while conscious.
He puts his iPad down. “Would you like to?”
I move closer to him and run a finger over his bedsheets. “Not yet.”
“Good.” He steps off the bed and takes my hand. “Come, I want to show you something.”
Wondering where he’s going, I just let him take me. We walk back to his living room, and he opens a door I hadn’t noticed before.
I frown. Just how many secret doors does he have? It didn’t look like a door at first, more like a part of the wall.
I can feel his hand tightening around mine as he flips on the light. My jaw drops when the place flashes before my eyes.
A wall made of tinted glass is filled with large monitors and computers. Each computer faces another, with at least ten workstations. Bright, neon-green lights illuminate the mainframe. I don’t know anything about computers, but I can tell this isn’t just a regular office. Then, one particular sight sends chills down my spine.
One side of the wall is like a window into another room. A white room. My whole body quivers as I see the telephone, the desk, and the chair...
I gulp hard. “Gee, Brandon. You could see me in there.”
His expression hardens. “Yes...”
“Why are you suddenly showing me this?” I ask but can’t take my eyes off the strange view.
I hear his breath quicken and feel his anxiety in his sweaty palms. He’s nervous, but he’s trying.
“I wanted to show you how I was before I met you,” he confesses.
“Before?”“I never want to use it again after you,” he whispers, his voice tortured and vulnerable.
“Is that why you suddenly stopped answering the phone?”
He nods. “You’ve changed me.”
I blow out a sharp breath. I don’t know what to say. The tension around us is unfathomable. It must be so hard for him to show this to me.
I clear my throat and decide to lighten up the atmosphere. “What are those computers for? The big monitors? Is this where you work?”
“This is the prototype of the company’s mainframe,” he explains. “Ollie and I built this ourselves. Some monitors are for the CCTVs, but not just to spy on people. I need to see if someone is going to break in.” He turns and gazes at me. “You see, Alayna. I’m paranoid. I want you to know at least this part of me.”
“All right, I get it now.” I smile slightly. “Did you do all of this because of what happened to your family?”
“I don’t want it to happen again.”
“But why are the cameras shut down now?”
“I’m not using this room anymore. But you should know that this was the only place I knew I was safe.” His body faces me, and he cups my face. I can see the agony in his expression. “When you came into my life, I started to view things differently. I want to live a normal life again.”
I lean my face into his hand. “You’re giving me too much credit.”
His thumb brushes my cheek. “Do you still accept me after showing this to you? Do you still accept me for who I am?”
I weakly smile, but my eyes fail me. Tears rush down my cheeks after the building tension in my chest.
“I do. I do accept you. I like that you’re honest and open with me.”
He lets out a soft sob. “Thank you. I was worried you wouldn’t want me anymore after this.”
“I think I received all the shocks a person could handle the first time I met you, but I accept you for who you are. You are a survivor, Brandon. Never forget that.”
We walk back to his room holding hands, and then we lie next to each other.
I’d never felt contentment like this. Him lying next to me is more than enough. I wish I could be with him every day like this, but I respect that his situation still demands privacy.
My arms hover around his waist, and I rest my head on his chest. He holds my hand and brings it to his lips.
“I’m free tomorrow,” he says. “And I want to go somewhere. Do you want to come with me?”
I smile. “Where?”
“My mother had a villa in Portland. Oliver is going to take us there, and of course, I want to be with you.”
“Wow.” I look up at him in surprise. “Can you go out that far now?”
“I think so, but I’m still figuring that out. I want to try,” he murmurs. His eyes are watching my face intently like I’m some beautiful portrait.
“Of course, I will come.” I tighten my arms around him. “Wherever you like, as long as you’re with me. But I’m still sleeping here tonight.”
He chuckles. “I don’t want you to sleep anywhere else.”
Silence envelops us for a moment as we relish each other’s presence, hearing only the sounds of our breath and heartbeats. He feels so warm, as always, and his body is so firm. His arm holds me safe while his other hand strokes my hair.
He lets me touch the traces of his scar under the thin fabric of his shirt. He feels so incredible, so unreal.
“Are you ever going to tell me what happened to cause this?” I whisper.
“I’ve never been with a woman in this bed before,” he answers instead. I guess he isn’t ready to tell another story. Perhaps showing me the room was all he could manage today.
I roll over so I can look at his face. “Have you fallen in love before?”
The question won’t hurt, right?He shrugs. “Yes,” he admits, but amused. His answer is followed by a question. “Have you?”
I don’t want to answer. It’s complicated. “Tell me about her,” I ask him.
“I don’t think you want to hear it.”
“I want to know. It’s normal for the present girlfriend to know about her boyfriend’s past love, right?”
“Girlfriend?”“Am I not?” I pout.
He kisses my temple. “Of course, you are.”
“So, do you care to tell me?”
“Hmm...”
“Hmm?”
“She was—she was a tomboy...” he starts, his eyes brightening up. Guessing from his facial expression, I can tell that it was a good memory. “There’s no feminine side to her gestures. I’ve known her since we were in grade school. We were childhood friends, and her mother was my mom’s best friend.”
“So, she’s close to your family?”
“Yes, my mother liked her.”
“Do you think your mom would like me?”
He laughs softly, and his palm caresses my arm. “You’re a good person and an excellent cook, Alayna. Of course, she would. Any mother would.”
“Okay, continue your story.”
“We never dated.” He scoffs. It’s a sound of regret, but I let him continue. “She liked me too, but I was a jerk. I dated several girls and even older women, but I never got the chance to tell her my feelings for her.”
“Oh, that’s—that’s sad.” My heart twitches. “Then what happened?”
“This?” He shrugs. “This “Life can be unfair. How old were you when all of this happened?”
“You mean when I started to like her or the, uh...”
“Both.”
“I was fifteen when I became aware of my feelings for her. I haven’t seen her since all this happened to me. I was eighteen.”
“What did she look like? Where is she now, and what’s her name?”
“Too many questions.” He grins. “Hmm, Pauline. She was the prettiest in class, smart, strong since she held a black belt in jujitsu, and she was quite popular. The last memory I have of her is her short blonde hair and the freckles on her cheeks. I guess she went back to Greece.”
I suddenly feel envious of Pauline. She sounded like every boy’s dream. What if she suddenly comes back here to see him? Would he still feel the same?
“You broke her heart by leaving her without even telling her. You didn’t give her closure.”
“Would you rather I go back to her? I could look for her if you like,” he jokes, raising an eyebrow.
I glare at him. “You are mine. Don’t ever go back there or even bring her back here.”
“It’s your turn. Tell me about your love My chest tightens. How can I tell him about the abusive relationship I’ve been through and the nightmares that still haven’t let go of me? I have had tremendous heartache in the past. I’m not sure if I’m ready to tell him. Or perhaps I’m afraid of how he’s going to take it.
I don’t know how he’s going to take it.
“What’s important now is you, with me,” I say and wrap my arms around him.
“I’ve just shown you my weakness; now I want to hear yours. I want to be close to you.”
“Honestly, unlike yours, nothing is exciting about my life.”
“I’m all ears. What can be more surprising than meeting a man who wears a mask?”
I snort. “You even make jokes about that. It’s not funny, Brandon. You are more than that. You are strong. You survived all of this, and you are kind, and most of all, compassionate.”
Brandon heaves a sigh and rolls to his side, so he can touch my hair. “I sound like the most perfect man in the universe.” His thumb brushes my lip.
“Because you are.” I gaze into his eyes.
He nuzzles my temple. “Then if you think that of me... Is there something you’re afraid of? Everybody is afraid of something. At least, that is what I learned from you.”
I hold my breath. “Please don’t be surprised.”
“Is it very shocking?”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.” He kisses my mouth. “You must know by now what I feel for you.”
“Thanks.” I smile. “Well... you are quite right. It is very shocking, but this is different. I did fall in love, yes, but after that, I had always been in a no-strings-attached relationship. Simply, I just don’t give myself too much. It’s a poison for me to give too much. I can’t even believe I’m saying this to you.”
He flinches. “What about us?”
“What about us?”
“Is this also one of your no-strings-attached relationships?”
“We’re not having sex, Brandon. That’s the difference, because... because I thought this could be something real,” I confess. “I’ve never been more willing to try again.”
“You’ve been hurt before, I see.”
“Yes, and because of that, I never opened up about this part of myself. But with you, I’ve broken my every rule.”
“Sounds like I’m not the only one with rules.” His scowl deepens. “You always surprise me; do you know that?”
“I’m sorry. It’s just this... I’m not sure if I can talk about this.” I bury my face in my hands.
My heartbeat quickens, and my chest suddenly feels heavy. How am I supposed to tell him the reasons why I can’t? How am I supposed to say that because of the man who ruined me... sexually abused me... I’ve become so ruined?
“It’s okay if you can’t tell me. I’m sorry I had to ask you.” I feel his body pressed to my back and he touches my shoulder.
I shift my head toward him. I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears streamed down my face. “I’m sorry.”
He freezes. “Alayna...”“I’ve always wondered when this day would come.”
Brandon moves close to me and wipes my eyes with his thumb. “You don’t have to tell me if you can’t. Whatever that is.”
I snivel. “I’d just like to be with you tonight.”
“Of course. Come here.”
Brandon envelops me in his arms and lays me on the bed next to him. He gazes into my eyes as he caresses my cheek.
He isn’t saying anything, and it’s only our breaths I can hear. I run my finger over his mask and wonder what he’s like without it. Then I realize we aren’t so different.
He covers his face with a mask so people won’t see the real him, and I’ve been wearing an invisible one myself since I decided to close off my heart. But slowly, my mask is vanishing because, for the first time, I feel something in my heart that is special again.
I realize I had fallen asleep “Hey, it’s me. It’s Brandon. Are you okay?”
It takes me a few moments to digest his words. “Why, what’s wrong? Why did you wake me?”
“You’ve been screaming.”
I frown. “I was?”
He nods. “You’re having a bad dream, I guess.”
“Um, what was I saying?” I ask hoarsely. I suddenly feel in need of some water.
“You were crying. You sounded like you were in pain. Alayna, what were you dreaming about?”
“I have no idea, but...”
“Yes?”
“I didn’t know I still do that in my sleep,” I mumble, but then I realize I’m not supposed to tell him that. I’ve always hidden this part of me. I sit up.
Brandon springs up as well. “You’ve had these before too?”
I shove my fingers into my hair. “Yes. My mother is usually the one who deals with it. I’m sorry, Brandon. Maybe I should go back to my room.”
“No, it’s fine.” Again, he wraps his arms around me. “How long have you been alone?”
“What do you mean?”
“When did you move out and leave home?”
“I don’t know if that’s—” I pause. “It’s been a while. Why the question?”
“And the last time you slept with someone?”
My cheeks flush. “What?”
He gazes at me with a scorching blaze in his eyes. “I mean, in the same room.”
I shake my head. “Besides my mother, it’s just you—for a while, at least. I’ve never done this before.” I bite my lip hard, still feeling the pounding in my chest. “Sleeping in someone else’s bed, I mean.”
Brandon releases a heavy breath, and his shoulders relax. “Well, I’m flattered, but whatever this is, if it’s constant, it isn’t normal, Alayna.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know what I’ve been dreaming about!”
“Calm down. I’m just saying that maybe something’s wrong and that you should be trying to reach out to an expert.”
“You see, I told you about this, and you think something’s wrong with me.” I feel my voice straining.
“You are certainly overreacting. Come on.” He pulls me against him and rubs circles on my back. “It’s not what I meant. Look, I’ve been battling with my issues, so I understand where this is going. All I am saying is that maybe you should pay more attention to this because it might not be good for you.”
Suddenly, his touch and the warmth of his body calm my senses. I love how he can be so comforting. “I didn’t know this was still happening to me.”
“No one was there to wake you before, so you couldn’t know,” he concluded.
“I had this when—when I was... with my first boyfriend.” I look at his face. I almost can’t bear the intensity of his eyes.
“Go on,” he whispers.
“Not all of us have a nice memory of their first love. I was inexperienced, naïve. I was in love. He was two years older than me.”
The muscle in his jaw tightens. “What did he do to you?”
“He forcedBrandon shuts his eyes, and when he opens them, his expression is cold.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“I’m fine,” he grunts. “Continue.”
Suddenly, I feel weak and quivering. My palms are beginning to sweat. I curl my body and hug my knees. Brandon doesn’t move.
I shake my head firmly. “I really don’t want to talk about it, Brandon.”
“Fuck. How can you keep this to yourself?”
“I just can’t, okay?” My voice rises. “I really can’t. Please, Brandon.”
This is the last thing I want him to know about me. The devil in my past can always find me wherever I am. If I ever say anything to anyone, I’ll be in danger...
My devil isn’t just an ordinary person. He’s a senator’s son, and now he’s running for mayor. I’ll be dealing with a hard wall if I open up about him now.
I close my eyes and let my tears fall.
I know where he is. I’ve always known. He moved to Seattle with his father.
Brandon harshly runs his fingers through his hair. “Fine. Can you tell me how it ended?”
“No,” I whisper. I feel like I’m going to be sick.
He sets his glass down on the bedside table with a harsh thud.
“Then at least tell me his name, and I swear—”
“No! Don’t bother. You don’t have to dirty your hands for someone like him.” I wrap my arms around him and pull him close.
A deep growl vibrates inside his chest. “Alayna, what’s his name?”
I shake my head. “No, please. This is the reason I can’t tell anybody, or you... I know that you are powerful enough to deal with someone like him, but that’ll taint your name.”
“I don’t care about my name, Alayna. If that’s what it takes to destroy this person who forced you, and whatever the fuck else he did to you, I’ll crush him. I swear he’d rather wish he were dead.”
Shivers run through my spine, and I believe he can do it. I don’t know how, but he could. It is in his voice, in his expression. It’s dark.
“Please. I can’t take it if anything happens to you because of that. I’d lose it if something happens to you because of me... There were things I did that I’m not proud of. You wouldn’t wish to hear more of it. So please, don’t. It’s not worth it.”
“But you are. You are worth it.” He shifts to my side and cups my face between his palms. He lightly brushes his mouth against mine. “And I love everything about you, however painful your past was. You have accepted everything about me, and so do I.”
And I thought he would pity me, or he might take it badly, but no. I find sincerity and compassion in his eyes. I feel like I could tell him everything, and he would still believe in me and care for me. Now, if I’m going to be afraid of something, it’s losing him.
“I’m excited about our trip tomorrow,” I say, moving on to a new subject. “I can’t wait to be with you like this.”
“Me too, Alayna.”