BRANDONFor the past decade, I learned to restrict myself. I trained myself to feel numb, so I would feel nothing. Nothing, because it’s easier than feeling any pain at all. I hated the sensation of any skin-to-skin contact. It would only remind me of the pain I’d been through at the hands of those filthy men who ruined me. It would crawl all over my body and pass through my blood, deep in my bones—to my soul. Then it would hurt so bad and linger in my chest like pounding thuds. I would bathe in my own sweat, my limbs would get numb, and then I would pass out. I knew my illness so well.
I succeeded through the years, but it was always there.Those restrictions in the first few years convinced me that it’s probably best to live this way. In the cage I put myself in, I was somehow free. I could do whatever I wanted in the small space of the world I knew. I dedicated myself to building my empire. I excelled in any aspect of technology (still evolving because it’s limitless); at least, it’s one of the things on my side. I was nineteen when I discovered I could be something else than just a flightless bird. Oliver was thrilled. I could remember the look on his face. It was priceless, and he supported me.
Days and nights, we worked together—with him. We first had a limited liability company. Cassius would come over to bring snacks, but he went to Princeton eventually, and I got my degree online. I seriously thought I didn’t need it anymore. My knowledge was advanced, but Ollie convinced me for the sake of credentials. He was already a graduate at Princeton by then, and when he thought I could go on it alone, he went back to university for another degree. The money we used for funds was my mother’s, so I named the company after her and Elga.
Sex was also non-existent, but it was never an issue. I hated anyone near me, so this was already out of the picture. But it didn’t mean I never thought about it. I had a very active sex life as a teenager. I lost my virginity at thirteen to an older girl; she was seventeen. I was young, turning into an adult.
Time went on, Cassius became a doctor, and I was still at home. It has been seven years since my self-imprisonment. Where else would I be? He came back home having all these new skills and plans for me. That was when I knew he wanted me to get better, that he hadn’t given up on me. He was brilliant too, that’s why people tended to compare us to each other. I admit that I felt small when I found out he double-majored in Medical Biology and Psychology. Medical biology so he could perform surgery on my body, on my hideous scars. Psychology for my mental wellbeing. The sacrifices he went through just to save me. I felt envious for a moment, but I felt a pinch of hope. He was my best friend.
Our sessions had begun. We were getting into something much better. I felt I was getting better, and I was starting to open up.
But I was ruined again. Cassius was the first person to find out Casey was my sister and kept it from me. I panicked. I lost my mind, and I lost myself again. I couldn’t trust him anymore. I regretted ever letting him in. That’s when he touched me by force. I was out of control, and he injected me with some medication to calm me. But after a few hours, my body felt the pain again. In my chest, my face, my bones, and my veins. The glimmer of hope was suddenly gone. I was never getting better. It was all just an illusion.
I kicked Cassius out of my life. I wanted my revenge against the people who’d turned me into some fucking soulless human. I was driven even more to get it, to claim it. That was my only focus.
Until her. It might sound dramatic, but yes, because of Alayna, I learned to trust someone again. She proved it when she gave me important information, and we were strangers then. She had no idea of its weight, but she chose to trust me. Because of her, I finally have a real start, even if she’s not aware of its value.
She’s nosy but entertaining. A very talented chef who defies me all the time; my meals had never been so colorful. She makes my boring daily life livelier. All she has to do is smile and laugh and blush. I like making her blush. There’s something hidden in her eyes that I can’t figure out, too. Something profound, some kind of darkness that she doesn’t want me or anyone to see. But her eyes don’t lie. She’s a mystery. I’m still so drawn to that.
But other than all that, she believed in me more than I believed in myself. Not that Oliver or the others didn’t, but it’s probably because of my drive to give her more. I’m this person now because of her.
However, I fucked up again. I ruined her because I involved her in my unresolved family issues. She doesn’t deserve all that pain, all the isolation I made her feel, but I had to. I had to separate myself from her. Now, it’s Oliver. Everything is, of course, all my fault...
Fuck!I wipe my face with my fingers. This day seems endless, and Alayna’s slept almost the entire time. She’ll only wake up when she needs to eat or take her medicine. I sit at her table, taking my laptop with me to do my work while she’s asleep. So far, she hasn’t shown any signs of panic attacks.
I pinch my eyebrows. It’s nearly midnight. I walk to Alayna’s bed and touch her forehead. She’s still warm. Cassius went back to his clinic today, but I’ll probably call him now to let him know. I was a little hesitant to tell him because I wanted to spend the day with her alone, thinking that the medicine would eventually do its work. After all, her fever was going down earlier, but her temperature has risen again. I don’t know about their relationship, but whatever it is, I wouldn’t be an asshole in this kind of situation.
And there, the moaning begins again. Goddammit.
“Please stop.” Her voice is low at first and rough, then she moans. “No, please...”
I perch on the bed and hold her shoulders. I’m about to wake her up, but I want to hear what she will say, thinking that I might find out something, something I know she refused to tell me, so I let it go on.
“I’ll do it... Please, just stop.” Her breathing quickens. “It hurts...”
It’s the same as last night. She’s saying those exact same words.
She cries softly, as if in pain. “Ahh! No, please, no.”
God, no. I can’t do this. I take her hands immediately and try to stop her. Is this what Oliver has been trying to tell me all along? I’ve been too busy focusing on myself to think about her.
“Alayna?”
Her muscles are tensing. She is suddenly so strong.
“Alayna!” I call as I shake her. “Wake up!” I grip her wrist, but she’s fighting me, and now she’s screaming.
“It hurts so much!”
My chest tightens. What is she really dreaming about? “Alayna!” I place her hands above her head. Oddly, she stops resisting—like she knows she’s being bound.
“I’ll do whatever you want...” she repeats, still shedding tears, but her eyes close. I let her go instantly and push away.
She suddenly stops. I wait.
“Alayna?” I call again softly. She rolls to her side, my voice unheard.
I gently pull her arms again so she sits up. “Alayna, please wake up, please.”
She kicks her feet, resisting, and sobs. “Please...”
Damn it. After restraining myself, I tap her face. “Alayna! Wake up! It’s Brandon. It’s okay... you’re okay....”
Finally, she opens her eyes and looks at me in terror. She glares, studying me for the next couple of seconds. Then she reaches for my face. Her eyes soften. “Brandon?”
“Yes, it’s me.”
“What’s going on?” she asks.
I scowl. “You don’t know?”
She pushes me away, and I release her. “I’m having a bad dream? What am I doing? What am I saying?”
I sigh hard. “Darling...”
She avoids my eyes and steps out of the bed. “I’m thirsty.”
“Okay.” I glance at the pitcher, but it’s already empty. I sigh again. “I’m just going to get you some, okay? Don’t fall asleep until I get back.”
She nods.
I spring up, take the empty pitcher and exit the room, bumping into Casey by the door. She’s already in her nightwear. I asked her to stay in the room across from Alayna’s tonight, so I could call her whenever I need her help. But apparently I can’t leave her alone again.
“Brandon? What is going on? I heard you shout.”
“Can you get this refilled?” I give her the pitcher, and she takes it.
“She’s having a nightmare again, isn’t she?”
“Yes. It’s not the first time I’ve seen this, but tonight is different, Casey.”
“Why? What happened?”
“She’s hurting.”
Casey bites her lip anxiously but doesn’t answer.
“You know?”
“Yes. Oliver told me, but this doesn’t happen often.”
I clench my fist. The rage in my chest grows. “And you didn’t bother telling me?”
“We tried, but you were busy with your own—whatever!” She rolls her eyes. “I’ll get her some water.” Casey hurries to the stairs.
I bang my fist on the wall and pinch my eyes with my fingers. What is this? What is happening? How could I miss something as important as this? My mind has become so clouded with my own objectives. I’ve become so selfish when the people around me have been nothing but selfless.
Casey comes back with the pitcher hurriedly, and we walk back into Alayna’s room. She’s sitting calmly on her bed. I give her a glass of water, and she gulps a little.
“Alayna, are you okay?” Casey also sits on her bed. She touches her arm. “Whoa! You’re burning up. Brandon, did you call Cassius?”
“I was about to,” I reply.
“Please call him,” she requests and touches Alayna’s face. “Would you like it if I stay here with you tonight?”
Alayna looks up at me as if waiting for me to say something. “I don’t want to bother you, Casey.”
“Come on. You won’t bother me.” Casey gazes up at me too.
“Casey, we can’t be sure if I have a cold,” Alayna answers instead. “I might be contagious.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“How about you, Brandon?” Casey asks me. “What do you think?”
“Someone has to be here until Cassius arrives or when he leaves. So I’d rather youShe smirks. “Oh, really now?”
I cross my arms. “Yes. Don’t look at me like that.”
“Fine.” She shrugs. “And you?”
“I’ll just call Cassius.”
Alayna opens her mouth to say something, but I walk out and shut the door behind me before she can. I contemplate all the mistakes I made, all the times I ignored her, or Oliver, or everyone Is this the weight of all the vengeance?
Strangely, this fires me up even more. I just want all of it to be over...
I take my phone out of my pocket and call Cassius’s number. He answers on the second ring. “You need to come home.”
“What’s going on? Is Alayna okay?” By the distant sound of his voice, he seems to be driving.
“Yes, but we still need you here. We have something to talk about.”
“I got it. I’m on my way.” He hangs up.