“IT’S AS IF YOU’RE experiencing some serious emotions, Carmelita. Have you ever experienced falling in love,” Juanito’s question made me stop. I looked at him and he seemed sincerely curious. “Now, it’s your turn to tell your story. I won’t have it that I’m the only one who has told my love story,” he teased. I wrinkled my forehead. Why was he feeling close already?
“I won’t believe it if you say that you haven’t fallen in love yet,” he added while staring at the lake.
“Yes, you’re right. It’s inevitable for us to fall in love … and because of that, it’s also unavoidable for us to get hurt,” I answered. Plus, I literally got hurt by stumbling straight into this period!
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a while. Every time a conversation veers toward the topic of first love, there’s only one memory that comes to mind ...
Shae and I have been classmates since kindergarten and all throughout elementary. We were inseparable. We treated each other like sisters. But all that changed when James entered the picture.
James was our classmate in fourth year high school. Almost everyone had a crush on him—Shae and I included. He was the quintessential jock—he was part of the basketball varsity team, he was tall, good-looking, and rich. Who wouldn’t have a crush on him?
James Gilbert was my first love all because of one incident. It was dismissal time. I passed by the basketball court when a ball hit me on the back causing me to stumble. Everyone present was surprised. Some laughed.
I didn’t expect anyone to help me. What I didn’t expect was that it was James Gilbert who would give me a hand, “Just put on a smile so that they would think this wasn’t a big deal.”
Our class adviser rearranged our seating arrangement. Shae and James ended up seated beside each other. At first, it was fine with me. But after some time, I was no longer spending time with Shae because she was always with James. James would acknowledge my presence, but it was clear that he liked Shae. Everytime the three of us were together, it was just Shae and him who were always talking as if they had a world of their own.
The time came when I couldn’t take it anymore. I started avoiding them. Shae noticed that and talked to me. I told her the truth—I was not comfortable hanging out with them. Before we knew it, we had already exchanged harsh and hurtful words.
One day before our graduation, James talked to me. He admitted that he liked me, too, he was just asking for Shae’s help to be closer to me. He wanted to court me, but he was worried that I might get annoyed at him.
Shae heard James’ admission. To be honest, I was happy with his coming clean with his feelings for me. But I didn’t want to be associated with them anymore. I was already too hurt for me to go mend my relationship with either one of them. I chose to be alone.
When we entered college, I didn’t expect the three of us to end up in the same university. James continued to badger me, further alienating me and Shae from each other. When Shae badmouthed me, I did the same. I didn’t let her get the better of me and I knew that she was like that, too.
“If you don’t want to tell me about it, that’s okay,” Juanito’s voice brought me back to reality. I fixed the way I sat. I completely forgot that he was with me. I inhaled deeply. He didn’t know James and Shae so I thought it would be okay to tell my story.
“Let’s just say that I’m unlucky in love. Out of all the men in the world I gave my heart to the wrong person.” Juanito looked at me briefly then returned his gaze to the lake.
“I don’t think there’s such a thing as being unlucky in love, or that you chose to love the wrong person. Maybe it was just not the right time for you to fall in love,” he explained. His words made me think. Still, no matter how many times I turned his words over and around my head, I couldn’t understand what he was trying to say.
“Maybe we weren’t just meant for each other,” I added. To this, Juanito nodded in agreement.
“Where is he now? Why don’t you go to him and talk things through?” I wanted to laugh at what he said. He was probably thinking that my first love lived in a nearby town.
“He’s somewhere far away from me, in a place where no one can go,” I answered, my words making it seem as if James lives on a different planet. “I also don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again,” I continued. I took a deep breath. If I don’t succeed in my mission here, I won’t be able to go back to my time. I really won’t be able to see him again.
“I wasn’t even able to tell him that I liked him, too.”
“I’m certain that even if you weren’t able to say how you truly felt, your feelings would have reached his heart and he would have felt it—that it was he your heart was yearning for.” I looked at Juanito. I didn’t understand everything he said, but his words made me feel better somehow. He makes sense after all.
JUANITO TOOK HIS LEAVE sometime in the afternoon. I immediately looked for Theresita and asked her to hand Juanito’s letter over to Helena. I won’t be able to do it myself because Mother and I will be embroidering.
“Carmelita, my child, aren’t you feeling well?” Mother asked me. We were on the balcony with Maria and Josefina. The last time I did any kind of sewing was when I was in fifth grade. I struggled to put the thread through the needle. I just poked and poked, and pulled and pulled on the thread. Whatever goes. I just needed to give something to Mother.
I was annoyed every time the needle poked me. I was also irked by the fact that what I had so far was so ugly, but I needed to finish it. "Carmelita, it would be better if you rest first. Go up to your room. It looks like you’re tired after showing Señor Juanito around the hacienda,” Josefina teased me. I was about to retort but both she and Maria smirked at me and elbowed each other.
“Stop your teasing,” Mother shushed them. She might be worried that their faces would be torn apart with all the smiling and smirking and grinning. “Carmelita, show me what you’ve done so far,” Mother said and took the fabric from my hands. Her smile vanished from her face and was replaced with a worried look. I scratched my nape. Looked like I was about to flunk this class.
“Ah yes, you’re not feeling well,” she agreed, causing Maria and Josefina to look at me. They seemed confused as to whether they should be feeling worried or happy for me. "Theresita, accompany Carmelita to her room," Mother requested. I stood up, almost forgetting to pay my respects before leaving. Good thing I saw Theresita dip her head in a bow and I did the same.
“Señor Juanito would surely be in stitches when he sees this,” Maria and Josefina laughed while examining my work. I looked back and glared at them. They were still laughing, clearly teasing me. If there were only a second semester for embroidery, I would surely get back at them and redeem myself.
I IMMEDIATELY DOVE INTO THE SHEETS when I reached my room. "Binibini, may I ask you something?" I didn’t notice that Theresita was beside the bed. I looked at her. I waited for her to ask me, but realized that she was waiting for my permission, “Of course,” I replied, still not understanding why they had to ask permission first before asking a question.
“What happened to your hands?”
I looked at my hands. They are flawless. They would look prettier with nail polish on, though. “Why is it that you seem to be losing your adeptness in sewing?” she continued asking me. Her questions made me confused.
I sat on the bed. So my skill in sewing was fading away? I didn’t even know how to sew.
Theresita opened the cabinet and took out a box which she handed to me. “Your embroideries are all there. Isn’t it that aside from your love of reading, you are also fond of embroidering and sewing,” she explained. I could sense her worry. It was as if it would be impossible for me to win gold in the next sewing Olympics.
I opened the box. I was greeted by Carmelita’s impressive and intricate embroideries. She really was so talented!
"Binibini, I hope that even if you got your heart broken over Señor Leandro, you won’t forget doing the things you loved not just for him but most especially for yourself."
I didn’t know if I should smile or agree with what she said. Did it mean that Carmelita got her love of reading and embroidery from Leandro? She must have been very inspired and productive then.
An embroidered white rose caught my attention. I inspected it. My head was spinning. How the hell would I be able to do something similar? It also made me think—what special talent do I have?
THAT EVENING, after we had dinner, Helena arrived. As soon as she saw me, she quickly ran to me and gave me a hug. "*Maraming salamat, Carmelita. Please forgive me if I took what happened against you. Now I know what your true intentions are. Thank you!” I smiled and nodded in response. I was happy that the misunderstanding had finally been cleared. I didn’t want to ruin her friendship with Carmelita.
“No worries. I’m happy for you and Juanito,” I whispered to her. She handed me her reply letter to Juanito. We talked for a few more hours wherein I tried to get to know her more—what her likes and hobbies are. I just looked for excuses every time she would seem confused as to why I seemed to have forgotten what her favorite things were. I was content that she and Carmelita were still best friends.
AT DAWN THE FOLLOWING DAY, Mother woke me from my deep sleep. We would be going to the market in the next town. She didn’t want to depend too much on the helpers for this task.
“Can you ask Ate Maria and Ate Josefina to accompany you instead … “ I wasn’t able to finish what I wanted to say because she gently slapped me on my behind.
“They’re not the ones getting married soon. Stand up. You still have to learn so many things for married life.” Now I was fully awake because she was already quite angry. She had been trying to wake me up for some time now and I had been stubborn.
I had no choice but to obey her. Dad had never spanked us, but Doña Soledad seemed to do so and that made me a little afraid. "Carmelita, anak, getting married is no joke. You have to prepare yourself well for it. In a few months, you will already be a wife, and if you’re lucky, you and Juanito will be blessed soon thereafter with a baby”, Mother reminded me while we were on the way to the market, the location of which was unknown to me.
I massaged my temples. The conversation seemed to steer rather too close to the topic of childbirth. "Señor Juanito is about to finish studying medicine. Expect that he will be very busy with work. You, on the other hand, will also be very busy managing your home. You will cook, clean, garden, prepare the ingredients, care for the children, and make your husband happy.” I was a little creeped out by the last part—make your husband happy?
“That’s why, as early as now, I will be guiding you. I’ve noticed that you seem not your usual self these days.” I looked at her. Was she starting to notice that I was not Carmelita? Judging from her look, that didn’t seem to be the case.
When we got off the kalesa, I saw that there were already many people, but no market in sight. “Is this it, Mother?” I asked, wondering if we were already in the market. Almost all the ladies were carrying an empty *bayong.
“Not yet. We still have to cross the lake," she answered. This jolted me even more awake. The queue for those waiting to get on a boat was already long.
I haven’t gotten on a boat in my entire life. I looked at the sky. Good thing the weather was good. If it rains, the boat might capsize!
“Don’t worry. The story about Lawa ng Luha is just a legend. Do you see that side of the lake? That is still a part of our hacienda.” Whatever Mother was saying was not sinking in. I mean, the hacienda wouldn’t be able to save us should the *bangka overturn! I couldn’t see a life vest anywhere!
We were now third in line. I was starting to get nervous. I knew how to swim, but the waters looked chilly.
“The lake won’t dry up no matter how long you wait,” I heard a familiar voice behind me say. I turned around and was startled to see Juanito right in front of me with a wide grin on his face.
“Why are you here?” I asked. Mother turned around and smiled at him, “Good morning, hijo. We are happy to have met you here,” she widened her eyes at me, a signal for me to also smile. She was probably worried that I would be irritable toward Juanito. It was still too early, but I already had too many problems.
“When I went to your house, I was told that you were going to the market in the next town. I don’t have anything important lined up today, so I thought it best to accompany you both if you would allow me,” he explained. He said too much. He could have just said, “I’ll come with you”.
This made Mother happy. I realized that people here wake up so early. While I, in my time, sleep in the wee hours of the morning and wake up in the afternoon.
“You didn’t have to accompany us,” I blurted out to which Mother immediately elbowed me. I was still quite tetchy because I lacked sleep and we were about to board a boat.
“I wanted to see you and spend time with you. Does that still need explaining?” he said smiling. It was as if the whole world brightened when he smiled. Maybe the sun was about to rise.
But I couldn’t explain why his words made me nervous. My heart was racing. Maybe I was feeling jittery because it was almost our turn to board the boat.
Juanito got on the boat first. He held out his hand to assist Mother. I was about to board when he offered me his hand. I looked at his palm. I had no intention of taking it, but when I stepped on the boat, it rocked to one side causing me to grip Juanito’s arm. Ooooh … his biceps are quite firm!
It was not as if I was already getting used to the customs here, but why did it suddenly feel like a big deal for me to touch him?
“Kindly take your seats,” the boatman’s voice brought us back to reality. It looked like he wasn’t too happy that our “moment” was causing delays. I let go of Juanito’s arm and sat beside Mother. Juanito sat opposite us.
“Please excuse Carmelita, Señor Juanito. Believe it or not, this is her first time on a boat. She prefers staying at home,” Mother explained. My nervousness was validated because even the real Carmelita would have had this as her first time aboard a boat.
“No worries. Good thing that at least now she’s starting to go out more,” responded Juanito, still with a smile. I couldn’t look him in the eye. My nervousness slowly withered away as the boat started moving. The boat felt safe, if not a little wiggly. But the lake was placid, with only but gentle ripples here and there.
“Our Carmelita is truly prim and proper. Not even once did she defy her Father’s orders. She loves to read and sew. She’s also used to cooking and doing household chores. She never caused anybody else trouble,” Mother proudly enumerated Carmelita’s many virtues. I swallowed hard and Juanito’s smile widened even more. He must be amused knowing all too well that I was the opposite of whom she had just described.
“I also noticed how gentle and lovable Binibining Carmelita is,” Juanito chimed in as if teasing me. I glared at him, but when Mother looked at me I quickly averted my gaze to the lake. Juanito laughed. I ignored him and pretended I was reflecting on something while looking at the lake.
When we arrived at the market it was already a hive of activity. Everyone was busy selling and buying. Mother held my hand while Juanito walked behind us. We went to the vegetable vendors and it was a joy to see that almost everyone knew everyone else—even Mother who came from an esteemed family. It was heartening to see her deal with other people, even those from a different background, with the same respect and kindness.
Every time we would buy something, Juanito would look at me and smile. I would raise an eyebrow in response and would mouth, “What are you looking at?” This would make him smile even more. Was he really an addict? Were drugs already a trend these days? Maybe he smoked pot earlier today.
“What’s your favorite food,” I heard Juanito ask. We were both behind Mother who was busy choosing which fish to buy.
"Barbecue. Uhm … grilled food … anything that’s grilled.” He nodded. I wanted to add that grilled food goes well with alcohol, but I was too lazy to explain.
“How about you?” I asked him in return. It was his turn to think.
“I like a lot of food. But there’s one which I love best,” he said. I raised an eyebrow. He was still smiling from ear to ear. Why is this guy always happy?
“What is it? Why can’t you just say what it is?”
“Caldereta,” he answered. I nodded. I would have to agree. Caldereta is really delicious. “My most favorite dish is the Montecarlos’ caldereta … your recipe.” His response made me look at him. I swallowed hard. I didn’t know why my heart started beating much faster.
I shook my head. That caldereta was not my recipe. I was about to tell him the truth but Mother suddenly turned to look at us. "Señor Juanito, Carmelita, I’m going inside first. Wait for me here," she pointed at the meat shop. Juanito nodded respectfully.
“Don’t worry, Doña Soledad, your daughter is in good hands," he answered. What was he talking about? It was not as if something bad would happen to me while standing on the side of the road.
Mother smiled, “Don’t call me Doña Soledad anymore. From now on, you may call me Mother.” This surprised me. Juanito was caught off guard, too, but he just smiled. “Y-yes, Mother." I gaped at Juanito when he said those words. Had he forgotten about Operation Stop the Wedding?!
When Mother was out of earshot, I pulled Juanito to me, but I let go as soon as I remembered that I shouldn’t be touching him. “What are you doing? You can’t be too close to our family. Don’t you remember? We have to convince them to cancel the wedding,” I complained to him. He just smiled back at me. What was so amusing about what I said? He was really acting weird.
“I’m just taking advantage of these days that you are still my lover,” he answered, making me gape in surprise. Lover? As in girlfriend?!
“What are you staring at me for? Don’t tell me that you weren’t aware that once a man and a woman have been betrothed that means that they are now lovers?” he explained, causing me to become even more frozen to the spot where I was standing.
“I don’t think Mother will get mad when I borrow you for a bit,” he continued. He took my hand in his and smiled at me again.
Dear Diary,
Help me, please!
This is not part of the plan!
I didn’t plan on falling in love with Juanito!
Now worried,
Carmela