I tremble. The Saint's grace penetrates almost every atom of my body. Physical heat spreads in my lower abdomen. I shift a little back to get closer. The Saint's fingers grip my shoulders. The scent of whiskey brushes against my cheek.
— Do you really like it? — I ask distrustfully.
It seems like he’s lying. Or doesn’t want to offend. A part of my inner self, the same part that came alive hearing about freedom, wants more. Craves to know that he speaks openly and sincerely.
— I said it’s better than an ideal, sweetheart, — he whispers. — I don't like it.
Everything in me shatters, as if that “I” is now hurtling downward. Not into an abyss, for I have long been dangling somewhere at its bottom, but much lower and deeper.
— So, you don't like it? — panic slips into my voice. I ruined everything. I spoiled his picture.
Vlad touches my chin. He turns my head toward him and forces me to look into his eyes.
— I'm impressed that you could remake it this way. Talent, Juliana. You have talent. — he says calmly and gazes into my soul.
My breath quickens. I place my fingers on his hand and grasp his strong wrist. The watch touches the skin of my palm with coolness. I squeeze. The Saint smiles. I stand up. Because I want to. I stand up because I told him I was ready to try for something more, despite the absence of promises for anything greater than saving loved ones.
The man's smile disappears. A dull pleasure flickers in his gaze. The air smells of the freshness of the nighttime forest and skin. Newness. He does not retreat; he stands firm, while I freeze just a few millimeters away. Vlad's hand still holds my chin, and I grip his wrist. A current runs through our skin. A jolt of two hundred and twenty strikes us both. I wouldn’t be surprised if the weather outside suddenly turned bad, and it became dark, like nighttime.
His dark blue eyes dare me. As if asking, will you go further? And I will go. I go every time, because it does not work any other way, because I am getting tangled up in him up to my ears. He retreats as soon as I start to approach him. But not today. Not this time. Right now the Saint does not move. He caresses my chin with his thumb and touches my lower lip.
I must be exploding. I can't explain the feeling, brand new each time, unlike the last. I tremble and craving his warmth, lean against him. With my whole body. Challenging him, silently asking if he will allow it? Despite not understanding why "no" and fully aware of why that damned "no."
Vlad kisses me. Slowly and passionately. He hugs my waist and presses me against his strong body. He runs his hand up my back and buries it in my hair, freeing it from the elastic band. Then back down to my buttocks, gripping them and pressing me against his groin. Never stopping kissing. Never ceasing to tease me with his tongue and push me toward madness.
I wrap my arms around his neck. I don't know how, but here he is, holding me with both hands and carrying me from the workshop to his own bedroom. To a place I have never been before.
There is no turning back. I wanted to try; I said, "And yet…"
The bedroom greets me with an explosion of white colors, just like the rest of the apartment. However, the man, without stopping to kiss, closes the windows with curtains and turns off the light. Leaving us in complete darkness. Absolute. For me?
He lays me back on the bed, and he, now in just pants, lies on top and settles between my thighs. I embrace Vlad’s back and guide my fingertips over his skin. I tremble, knowing what comes next. I desire this. I dream. With him. Only with him. Because he attracted me and doesn’t let go.
The man undresses me too. I’m grateful to him for the darkness; I don’t know how I could have endured all this under bright light. Soft, long fingers caress everywhere, evoking hushed and indescribable feelings of euphoria. Hot lips cover my entire body with kisses. Starting from my chin, smoothly transitioning to the curve of my neck, tracing a path to my breasts, and from there to my belly.
A soft, barely audible gasp escapes my lips, like a distress signal for the Saint. The aura of danger becomes palpable; surely it is this that lays with a taste of light bitterness on my lips, and then touches my heart. Not regret over my own choice. But joy in his existence and the destructiveness of the man beside me.
— Juliana, — his commanding voice sounds like thunder. — If you say stop, I will stop.
No. No-no-no. I don’t want him to stop. I just began fulfilling my dreams. I just started choosing something. I just got the chance to make a choice. I chose. But is it a mistake? I don't want to think…
That’s why I remain silent. Stubbornly. Clenching my jaws.
Vlad continues. In every touch, a wild, unknown tenderness slides through, never experienced until this moment. I have never received so much love just for myself before.
Every gentle touch, every kiss, the friction of skin awakens new emotions in my soul. Heart-wrenching, bringing tears to the corners of my eyes, joy, and a feeling of happiness. For the first time… And everything with him feels like the first time…
The darkness hides our emotions. Covers them with a pleasant blanket, whispering in my ear that somewhere behind it, wild animals lurk, those that are part of Vlad. They protect. Safe for me. Good for me. Holy.
Everything happens quickly. I hardly feel any pain. Vlad's caresses smooth all painful feelings and erase the negativity. Not immediately, but moment by moment, it becomes pleasant. Emotions stir in my chest, flowing through my veins like a fountain of lava, screaming that I would want this forever…
The scents of a summer night, darkness, colors touch me along with Vlad. They carry me to the peak of an unknown mountain, one that probably doesn’t exist in the world. But for me, everything is different. For me — it exists. Just like that separate piece of perception through the prism of the Saint's blue eyes. There, it feels good. There, Vlad’s strength fills me too, making me believe that I can do anything, that I can defeat my father and break free from the oppression and save my mom and brother. So I decide to stay in this place. No matter that it’s unreal. No matter that I invented it. It exists as long as I believe.
Reality blends with fantasies. Perception erases the boundaries that I naively drew defining our relationship as business-like. Everything went awry. Not according to plan. I became dependent on the man who not only fulfilled dreams… I became dependent on him because it’s impossible any other way. Impossible to resist. Not at night. Not during the day.
But I don’t regret it. Not a bit. Because those feelings that tremble like a gentle flower in my heart now — are invaluable.
Vlad’s heavy breathing mixes with mine, my body first tenses and then relaxes instantly — and he tucks me under the blanket. He offers his shoulder and hugs me, pressing me to his strong body. I immediately drift off. Sleep takes me faster than I can think about how wonderful the first time was…
To my surprise, I wake only in the morning. The sun tries to break through the white thick curtains, but it hardly succeeds. Opening my eyes, I realize that Vlad is gone. I brush my hand over his side of the bed — cold. So, he left long ago. I can’t even process everything that happened yesterday when I hear a loud, female shriek from the kitchen and the sound of broken dishes.
I slowly sit up. My eyes find pajamas and a robe at the edge of the bed. I still can’t fully understand what’s happening. I get dressed and exit the bedroom. I dash to the kitchen and see a girl there. Beautiful to madness, with piercing blue eyes, wheat-colored hair, and an elegant figure. She is in a short dress, with bright makeup and a cheeky look. At least she greets me on the threshold of the room quite defiantly. She raises her dark eyebrows and sharply asks:
— Who are you?
— And you? — I mimic her rude tone.
Emotions due to her presence become tangled. I feel angry. I don’t know at whom: myself or Vlad. I can’t wrap my head around what’s happening and who this girl is.
She snorts, tilts her head sideways, and scans me from toe to head. She crosses her arms over her chest, leans against the counter, and says:
— The mistress?
— Vlad’s? — I mutter. I’m surprised by my own tone.
— Does someone else live here? — she snorts.
— Fiancée, — I cut in coldly.
The girl is stunned. Her blue eyes widen, and her mouth opens and closes.
— Then I have a few questions for my brother, — she now shocks me.
— Brother? — I mumble. All my anger disappears.
— Do I look like a housekeeper or someone else? — she throws back sharply. — Vlad is my older brother. And what the hell I am not in the loop is an interesting question. Will you clean up? — she waves her hand at the broken cup on the floor, grabs her phone from the counter, and leaves the kitchen.
I am left alone in complete shock. Seconds fly by, and I still can't fully comprehend the situation. It seems I just met Vlad’s sister, whose existence I had no clue about. This… stuns me. At least, I certainly didn’t expect anything like this. Nor the order to clean up. At first, I want to rush and fulfill her request-order, but then I stop myself. She broke the dish. And I, like this girl, indifferent to who she is, am not a housekeeper.
To be honest, I’m surprised at myself and my new emotions and my unwillingness to instantly listen to anyone. Somewhere inside, subconsciously, my brain and heart sing that last night changed me. There is no longer Juliana — the innocent girl who only dreamed of freedom. Now there is Juliana, who managed to break free a little from her father's tyranny and give herself entirely to a strong man who wouldn’t let her be hurt. The strange trust in the Saint has fully justified itself. The stubborn desire to be closer to him, even without promises about the future, made me a little stronger.
— Hey! — the girl’s voice pulls me from my thoughts. I haven’t even moved from my spot, still standing there in front of the kitchen cabinet.
I turn around:
— What? — I raise my eyebrows. I don’t like her: rude, cheeky, somewhat hysterical. It’s immediately evident that no one has ever forced her to do anything, as they did with me.
— You didn’t clean up, — the blonde points at the shards of the cup lying in bits on the floor.
— I didn’t break it.
She narrows her gaze. I irritate her, clearly visible to the naked eye.
— But I asked you to clean it up.
I shrug my shoulders. Intentionally slowly, I walk around the shards and approach the kettle. I turn it on and turn to face her. I cross my arms over my chest and examine her more closely. Now I see the resemblance between the girl and Vlad — blue eyes, willful gaze, confidence in her strength.
— You ordered, that's different.
Sparks flicker between us. It’s worth stretching out a hand, and you’d be shocked by the contempt that radiates from the girl.
— Proud?
— No, — I reply softly. — Just won’t do it.
— My brother is coming now, and a fiancée from who knows where appeared. Are you hunting for his money? — she hisses. — That won't happen, understood?! I’m surprised, how the hell did Vlad bring someone into the house, maybe you’re a special whore?
I’ve grown used to insults and somehow don’t react sharply to the thrown words. Yes, it’s somewhat unpleasant, but not as much as it could be. One could thank my father; he mocked me well for nineteen years. Or maybe I’ve skillfully learned to shut myself off in order not to feel the eternal pressure from such things? It’s hard to say. Most likely, my brain blocks out the negativity and turns the flow of time into something sticky. It doesn’t let me perceive the situation sharply and emotionally. After all, Dad scolded me so many times, proving over and over that I am nothing. In recent years, I’ve reacted rather calmly, at least in most cases. The last time emotions were stronger than anything else when I met him at home. The fear was too strong to let my brain process everything around or fully function. I was afraid he would hit me, or worse…The instinct for self-preservation kicked in.
But with this girl, he doesn’t even need to switch on. She is safe despite all her apparent arrogance. Besides, the Saint promised — while I’m with him, no one will hurt me. And I… I believe him.
Not getting a response to her outburst, the girl leaves. I make tea and sit at the table. I slowly savor the drink with a strawberry flavor, trying to think about the night. But nothing fits in my head. Emotions cloud my mind. I want to analyze, or… dream. What if everything changes now? Fundamentally. What if… something else will be added to our agreement with the Saint? I know, I know, he promised nothing, and he said this directly. He warned me not to walk a path paved with feigned emotions, but what if it doesn’t work out any other way? Euphoria after last night is stronger than reason. I feel like singing, painting, rejoicing, smiling. Seeing in his blue eyes that lazy gentleness and feeling the tender touches that set everything ablaze along with my heart. A part of that “I,” which has been dangling at the bottom of the chasm all my life, is gradually growing wings, and they grant the hope that the hands in whose embrace I slept will bring only tranquility.
Lost in thought, I don’t notice when Vlad arrives. He appears in the kitchen, probably having been here for some time, since when I lift my head, I see the man leaning against the door frame, watching me intently.
— Hi, — I immediately greet him with a smile.
He says nothing, just keeps watching. There is neither cunning nor passion in his eyes. For some reason, there is only dryness and absolute indifference.
I lick my lips. I’m nervous. Did I say something wrong? Or did my sister complain?
— The cup is broken, — he points to it with his gaze. — I heard, Milana asked you to clean it up?
It becomes hot. My cheeks flush. I spring up from the table and rush to the cup. I crouch down and grabbing a ceramic shard, I hear his voice:
— Stop. — the command is dry and sharp.
I look at Vlad in surprise. He just said…
— But… — I speak slowly.
The man raises his dark eyebrows. The blue oceans fill with anger. They darken, but this darkness is different. Until this moment, I had never seen anything like it. It is deep and black, reaching into the depths of my soul. It extracts everything worst that exists in every person.
I freeze. I hardly breathe, only my breathing becomes fast.
— Stand up, Juliana. — I do as he asks. — Now, let’s go meet my sister.