Carmen has never really been a femme that blended in with the Santo pack; even I knew that all those years. Knowing Colton’s memories of her now, too, seeing she was a loner, brought in because of her father’s ties to Juan and put in his upper circle, down to his position. She stuck with Colton and his friends, lived in his shadow, and didn’t seem to have any true friends beyond what she thought she had in the sub-pack.
It was common knowledge that everyone hated Carmen, and she didn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about it. Her abrasive, spoiled girl behavior, her outward hostility, superiority, bitchy glares all added to her being a girl I know we all avoided like the plague. Not just my kind at the orphanage but most femmes in the entire valley. When she dated Colton, she was with him constantly and acted like she didn’t care about other wolves in the pack, let alone making friends beyond her mate. She was so up her own ass; sure, she was the future Luna that she didn’t bother to make any bonds with anyone.
Looking at her now, feeling her pain from her own depths, I wonder what made her this way. Why she was closed off from anyone except Colton…. Even the sub-pack never really bonded to her as they have me and dutifully endured her presence for him. I can’t imagine what losing him must have felt like if he truly was the only person she thought of as her friend and security, and then she lost the subs around her, which were probably the closest to a real pack she had.
She isn’t as tough or cold as she makes out, and I can feel her fear, insecurity, worry over her mom, and her complete lack of bold now I’m touching her hand to hand. I squeeze it tightly and try to numb the intense feelings I am absorbing from her, and she suddenly yanks her hand away, realizing what she’s doing by holding on to me. There’s a moment of heightened blush on her face as she reels back and pulls herself stiff and cold. A gust of icy cold as her heart clamps shut, and her emotions are clamped down hard to conceal all from me. Like an internal fire door being slammed shut to keep the fire at bay. The armor sweeps back up, and the arrogant exterior comes into play. It’s almost so effortless and speedy that a blink would have made me miss it.
“I can arrange for Sierra to sit with her, send some food, and give them time alone. She maybe isn’t Luna anymore, but as Rema, she still cares for the people and plays a hand in making this home a haven of calm.” I ignore the change in her and don’t draw attention to the fact she’s wiping her hand to remove the feel of my warm touch on her. My brain is firing ahead to a solution for her mom.
I’m sure a little gentle coaxing will have Sierra leave her rooms for a while, especially if, like Carmen said, this was one of her friends from the past. Her friends were kept behind by mates or lost in the war. We don’t have many of those here. Most remember her only as Luna.
‘I’m sorry I ever doubted you as Luna…. as worthy. For everything I said or did. He broke me. I was in pain. It was juvenile, and I’m over it.” She states coldly, icily harsh in her tone as though overcompensating for the weakness she showed me moments before. In that flash, the old bitchy looking, aloof, and haughty Carmen stands in place of the lost and vulnerable soul of seconds back, trivializing her love of my mate once upon a time ago, but this time I see through it.
A broken-hearted, lonely girl, who lost someone she loved, was left to fend alone in a home she no longer recognized and still harbors a world of agony deep inside. As much as I look back and feel like she once deserved my anger, I don’t think she does anymore.
Carmen’s adrift, with no anchor. Her home is gone, her mate went to another, her father’s a betrayer of all she knew, and her mother…. slowly slipping away from her as the days pass. Only devastation and fear are hiding behind cold bitch, and I wonder what she has gone through in the last few months under Juan’s rule to lose the last ounces of soft she used to allow herself to show at times. I wonder what else our people out there are going through right now too, while here we live in a bubble of general safety and happiness.
“The past has passed. Let’s focus on the now and the future and making your mom well.” I utter quietly but with determination. I need to offer her some hope now that I can feel her mood has returned to distant and closed off. It’s like there’s no light in this girl at all, and she has become so accustomed to dwelling in the dark that her very warmth has ebbed into nothingness the second she reels it back to her damp cave with her.
“It’s been so long since I felt like we had any real leader or Luna…. I forgot what it feels like to have someone share the load and make you feel that everything might be okay.” She stares at her feet, a tiny flinch of her jawline and eyebrow, and seems to unfocus for a second as a slight hint of color warms the apples of her cheeks at her words. And then it’s gone just as quickly. A touch of something, maybe gratitude, maybe real genuine hope, then bam, she closed it back down and swallowed her carelessness once more.
I see it now. For the first time, I see what maybe Colton did all these years and why he tried to stay with her before there was us. Knowing him, his hero complex, and how he likes to see the best in people.
The scared little girl in the midst of the hard-outer shell and the signals she gives off so subtly you almost miss them if you are not looking for them. It’s in glimpses when she forgets to pull her mask up, the tiny wrinkles in her armor, the careless words, or the unintended moments of genuine touch. It makes you want to help her, bring her into the warmth, and remove the shackles she has put around herself to keep people out.
The bitch isn’t who she is. The tantrums, the behaviors, and the arrogant outer persona are all a mask to shield this right here. She is more like her mom than I think she knows, and maybe it’s not so unbelievable that her mother is a weaker wolf with no ability to fend for herself. Perhaps that’s exactly why Carmen learned to be this way after watching her mother get pushed around for her flaws.
Carmen is fragile in her own way, yet at the same time, so much stronger than I gave her credit for, in a completely different way. She’s more capable than Tawna and less likely to break into a thousand pieces the way her mom seems, but it’s there alright. The vulnerability. The sadness. She needs a strong mate to give her what she lacks. She needs security, and devotion, loyalty, to find her self-worth and someone who will love her and bring her peace the way Colton has for me. She needs a family she can lean on instead of them leaning on her and making her the one to shield and protect.
Maybe it’s guilt. Perhaps it’s that now I see her in a new light, I truly feel sorry for my part in her unhappiness. The fates disregarded her, cast her aside, and Colton could no longer stomach looking her way when she betrayed his bond. Which I guess now I even understand why she did what she did to him when he bonded with someone else. I can’t even imagine what that did to her mentally and emotionally when all she had to rely on was him.
I took her place in his heart, bed, and pack, and she was left alone on the cold mountain. To weather the storm and figure out how to save her mom. She watched everyone slip away, and her life was turned upside down while she held together the pieces of the wreckage she was left with. Maybe she has more reason to hate me than I ever hard for her. Yet I don’t even find a trace of it standing here anymore. It’s like her emotions have died, and all that’s left is a need to keep her single lifeline safe, or else she has nothing to go on for.
“You’re home now. We’ll figure this out… as a pack.” I try a brighter smile that conveys, ‘it’s okay, we got this,’ and push down every other thought and feeling inside.
Carmen’s eyes mist over, and she turns away, swallowing hard, clearing her throat, and giving off some strong uncomfortable vibes. Unable to produce words, she nods her head and wipes her cheek with the back of her hand in an almost childlike gesture so I don’t see the breaking of another single tear rolling down her face, and yet I feel her shame and disappointment in herself for letting me see her weak. She just never stops fighting.
“Go sit with your mom, and I’ll go see Sierra. I’ll send tea and cake to your quarters, and we can take it from there.” I ignore her behavior and feel somewhat relieved when she moves to walk away from me. Obviously had enough of my company and makes a break for it, thus relieving me of her emotions as she gives me space. I’m glad as this interaction has left me screwed up and confused about my feelings and exactly how and what to do with Carmen now being here. I need some head space to process all of this.
I hope Sierra can help her, maybe soothe and heal Tawna to accept the past better and move forward in a new life with us. Perhaps it will be good for them both. I mean, a femme whose own mate put her in a coma for eight years to keep her silent might be better at understanding the betrayal and hopelessness she feels.
And I need to find my mate and talk this out with him because I am sure as hell feeling weirded out that the girl I told him I didn’t want here this morning is now on my list of top priorities for the day, and I have no idea how that even happened. I still have no clue how I will react when I finally see them together once more in any interaction.