With him, it’s never ten minutes, so quickie is not even a term I connect to what he wants to do. Quick for Colton is more like thirty minutes. No daytime rolls upstairs mean he will take hours to get his fill tonight. I’m not complaining; I need sleep at some point. Lately, it’s taking its toll, and I’m tired all the time because he has a severe lack of needing rest, it seems, while I definitely do not get enough.
“We’ll see” I yawn almost to emphasize that I’m shattered beyond belief these past weeks, and he frowns at me, watching me for a long second. His expression drops from a cute teen teasing his girl to suddenly a mature husband worrying that his wife must lie down.
“Maybe I might let you have a night off to rest. You look kinda beat. Are you feeling okay?” he lifts the back of his palm to my head in seriousness this time, and I shrug and try to brush it away with a smile.
“I’m a wolf… getting sick is cured with a turn. I’m fine, just really exhausted lately. I think I'm not getting enough rest with all the early morning fun, the nonstop daily grind, and our late-night ‘mating.’ After six months, it’s finally taking its toll.”
Colton stares at me somberly for the longest time before finally frowning, pulling me back into his arms, and hugging me tightly. This time it completely lacks any sexual vibe and is one of his tender holds.
“You know, saying No won’t hurt my feelings. I know it’s not that it’s not good, but that sometimes you don’t have as much stamina as me. Tell me when you don’t want to, and we won’t. Sex isn’t everything. I like being beside you in bed, curling up, and having you sleep in my arms. Best feeling in the world and my favorite part of every day.” His gentle, sincere tone makes me melt, and I squish myself in his arms, hugging him tight around his chest and nuzzling in childishly.
“I don’t think there’s a wolf alive that has your stamina. I’ll be fine after food and some downtime with your mom. We can go to bed early to have fun and sleep, leaving everything else until morning…… I love you.” I lay my ear against the steady thump of his heart, and he brushes my hair down my back smoothly. Igniting that part of me that craves his security.
“I love you too, baby. So much sometimes, it’s crazy. I don’t know what I would have done if I never got you back. My life would have been empty and endless. You know how much you mean to me, right? I love you more than life and would do anything for you. No matter what you asked of me.” His tone is lower and huskier, and I am overwhelmed by his sudden onslaught of gooey emotions as it washes over us.
“I know. I would do the same for you. You’re everything I never knew I wanted or needed, and life with you these past months has changed everything that I knew and felt before. You make my world brighter and better… even with how things are with the attacks. You give me security that we’re going to be okay. You’re the alpha we all needed, and you are the best for not just me but everyone here. I hope you know how much they all respect and value you. How grateful they are that you took your place early and brought them here.” I don’t tell him this enough; he needs to hear it more often. He does so much for us and never asks for anything in return.
Colton is quiet for a moment, and I gaze up to find him staring straight ahead, his eyes glazed with moisture as he catches me looking at him and smiles. I can feel his emotions mingled with mine, that well of happy ache and overemotional overwhelm. He may look solid and rough, but Colton is still that sweet boy inside, and he carries so many insecurities thanks to his father.
“I sometimes doubt myself. Being only nineteen and running an entire pack, a homestead, responsible for everyone here….. I hate to admit that sometimes, I want to run, hide, and be a normal teen for a day.” He sighs, and I exhale with him. Feeling exactly how he does.
“Soon be twenty… only a few weeks left, so maybe you should reward yourself with a day off and act like Colton pre-alpha, pre-mountain fight. Kick back and enjoy the last of your teens, if only for a moment.” I encourage with a smile.
“You know all I would do all day is keep you shackled to the bed, so maybe not….” He grins down at me and kisses me on top of my head when I giggle at him.
“You’re hopeless.”
“For you, I am!” he hits me with cheesy words and a wink, and I eyeroll. So quick to go back to being that sex-mad boy that I can’t get enough of.
“And then you ruin the romance vibes with the worst chat-up lines. Come on, Alpha Santo. We have your mom waiting for dinner, most likely. Get that look off your face, or she will know exactly where your mind is.”
“She’s my mom. She always knows where my mind is, so there’s no point trying to hide it. She birthed an alpha boy. She knows what that entails.” He chuckles, and I nudge him in the abs. Sighing at his one-track mind and shoving him back to get him moving. Colton relents and slides his arm around my shoulders, hauling me into an embrace to walk beside me and kissing me on the head as we push for the door.
“Do you never think that your mom longs for another child? To make up for all those lost years of your childhood?” I nudge him as we walk into the main hall and head for the stairway.
“I wish my mom could de-mate from my dad and find someone else to start over, have another, maybe more than one, but we both know that’s impossible. The mate bond can’t be broken without death…. If it could, I would have done it for her already. Let her pick another and have those years back.” He guides me up the steps, watching his speed so as not to trip me, and I squeeze my arm around his waist a little.
“Given the circumstances, maybe allowing her to find another and break a little rule wouldn’t be such an awful thing, right?” I ask warily, knowing that despite the rules being set in stone for all wolves, alphas can sometimes make exceptions and sway the people a little in times of need. Say Sierra had a lover and a stand-in mate, despite being bonded to someone else. No one would judge her for replacing that asshole Juan after what he did to her.
Colton sighs and glances down at my face, his serious expression taking over, and he shakes his head.
“Even if I could justify her having a lover, a non-mate to pup with, to live with …., she would never agree. My mom has always lived by the laws, and her bond with my dad would always stand in her way. I’ve thought about it. Hell, I see how she looks at Radar whenever he shows face, and with every part of my soul, I would happily let him romance her. Radar has been a father figure to me since he came back from the wars, but he is strait-laced and would never cross that line, so it’s not even worth pondering. He can’t even look her in the eye because she was once his Luna. It’s a nice thought but completely hopeless, and it will never happen on either side of that pairing.” His deflation taints my hope but doesn’t fully extinguish it. Once I have something brewing in my mind, it’s hard to let it go.
“Maybe not as lovers, not as mates…. maybe as a companion. You could reinstate him as a guard to shadow his Rema. She needs someone to spend time with, and Radar is besotted with her. He always has been. Maybe with forced proximity, something could blossom.” The cogs in my head turn, but Colton drops his brows to frown at me with a sweet look of ‘no.’
“He’s too shy around her. He freezes up and trips over his words whenever she speaks to him. He comes out with harsh abrasive responses that make it sound like he doesn’t like her at all.” Colton sighs and ruffles my hair with a frown. “I get what you’re saying. I do. I don’t disagree. It’s just that those two are hopeless, and as companions, I think they would stand silently at each side of a room, avoiding eye contact and making painfully stilted statements, and never really relax. Radar sees his Luna, even still, and he can’t ever lower his respectful boundaries. Mom sees a shy guard who once risked his life to save hers. Some wolves are never meant to be more.”
I huff with a loud breath, but he continues pulling me along.
“You have no sense of romance!” I point out with deflation, knowing what he’s saying is true, but isn’t it worth a try?
“Are you telling me I should try harder, that I’m not romancing you enough?” his deadpan and way too serious tight tone makes me glance up, instantly shocked he would get that from our conversation and realize he’s smirking at me. Being an ass and winding me up.
“Shut up. You sweep me off my feet a million times a day.”
“Yeah, something I know I’m good at, right?” he ducks, swoops his arm under my leg, and hoists me up princess-style while I give out a startled yelp at his lightning-fast maneuver. My heart lurched into my throat with the speed he just hauled me.
“This is not what I meant!” I giggle and wrap my arms around his neck to snuggle in, liking this new height and position as I trace that sexy jaw and gaze at the most beautiful profile of a male I have ever known. Colton smiles and scales the stairs faster, quickly getting us up to the landing and the next three flights.
Sierra resides on the far end of the building in her room because we put her somewhere quiet and cozy where she could watch over the village from her balcony every day. We didn’t want her to feel alone up here, so we ensured she has around the clock presence in the form of waiting femmes who tend to her every need.
Sierra is already at the table by the balcony doors when we stroll in, overlooking the forest side of the homestead into the dense darkness framed by the distant mountains. So many memories of being out there alone every time I see the view from up here that it fully silences my previous train of thought, and Colton drops me on my feet as we come to sit with her. Knowing our topic is over as Sierra wouldn’t be too pleased knowing we were talking about matchmaking her.
“Hey, Mom, What’s for dinner.” Colton reverts to a boy whenever in the presence of his mom and slides around beside her, leaning in to kiss her on the temple before pulling out a chair for me. He nestles me on her side, then sits by me to face her.
“The kitchen has made Steak Diane with all the trimmings. Hope you’re hungry.” She smiles softly, her face beaming with maternal love for her two teens. I know she isn’t my mom, but sometimes I feel like she loves me as though she is, and I’m rather partial to her too.
“Famished.” I smile softly and pat her on the hand, our usual gesture of affection, which has become the norm. Sierra smiles brightly, and we all settle in.
“I went and saw Tawna as you asked today. It was ….. emotional.” Sierra brings my eye to hers, a faraway look and a glaze of moisture as she says it, and I focus intently on the waves of sadness she starts to expel. Sometimes it’s a curse to feel others this way, and while I’m tired, I have no energy for it.
“How did it go?” Colton cuts in, sensing her somber mood at mentioning the woman’s name. He must be picking it up from my emotions, given we share.
“It was nice to see her again but…. Tawna is broken, her heart is in pain, and she keeps talking as though she had to pay some retribution for her mate’s part in the past. I don’t know. She made very little sense, and, in the end, I had Dr. Miago come up and give her some sedatives and pills to help ease her distress. Carmen says she has been this way since the memories made it to the mountain.” Sierra moves to place her napkin on her lap, and we both do the same, being very civilized at mealtimes. Having a mom figure has improved our table manners anyway.
“Do you think she will improve in time? With care and maybe some talking therapy with Anya.” I ask as food servers enter the room quickly and begin laying out starter dishes in front of us. Some simple melon and ham precede our main, and it all looks and smells amazing, so much so that my mouth waters instantly with ravenous hunger. We fall quiet as they fill our water glasses and place salad on the table before receding quickly.
Anya is the Shaman's mate, and she is what most consider the therapist of the pack. She has a way of talking things out and helping straighten thoughts and feelings. I always suspected she has a mild ability to manipulate emotions short-term, but as she only uses it for good, I have never thought to ask her about it.
“I think she feels responsible for not swaying her mate from his path years ago. And now, she doesn’t know how to be the force in his life a mate is meant to be.” Sierra is unusually low in mood, her whole vibe sad, and I can tell she’s summarizing what must have been a painful visit between her and Tawna.
“Doesn’t she understand that a mate can only influence gently and not dictate someone’s choices… she did nothing wrong, especially as she didn’t know,” I add with a sigh. Feeling for Tawna and her state of unhappiness. Knowing that at the end of the day, mates are not held responsible for their partner's choices in life. We all have the proof sitting right here with us. If they tried, Sierra and Juan couldn’t be any more different on the scale of opposites, and she had zero sway over him.
“Tawna was always such a gentle, easy-going, almost submissive type. She needed a mate who handled her gently and nurtured her loving heart. She got a cold-hearted brute who neglected her and locked her in that house, never to be part of his life or decisions. He’s no better than Juan, and I pointed this out to her. I never had any control over Juan’s actions, nor did she control his. She needs to be stronger for Carmen, for the girl is alone without her. Carmen is the only thing I think is keeping her going.” Sierra pulls at her plate and then discards it quickly as though she’s lost her appetite, and Colton catches it with that observant eye. Her tone is tight, and even I can sense an emotion she’s trying to shield.
“There’s something you’re not saying.” He points out, and Sierra flickers to look at the table, almost guilty. She sighs heavily, rests her palms flat on the table as though bracing herself, and locks an eye on me this time. She pauses to think, sighs slowly, and then smiles somewhat sadly.
“I sensed…. or …we have something called a moment of sight. That’s when a touch, conversation, or strong emotion gives us a flicker of a moment. Almost like a blink that you don’t quite catch, but it instills a strong feeling you can’t shake. Almost like a premonition in a way.” She explains to me, and I catch Colton nodding at my side. I know he has experienced it, as he told me so before.
“And you had this with her?” I ask as Colton stills and watches her steadily. He falls quiet as he ponders it, and the glances passing between mother and son make me uneasy. Sometimes they still have this silent way of communicating that is borne from being mother and child.
“I had the overwhelming sense that Tawna wishes harm upon herself to remove Enzo from Juan’s side. Maybe she thinks it will weaken his stance on the mountain without his Beta.” She looks away to the window, and that flicker of pain makes it drive home that she is certain of this.
“You’re talking suicide? Wolves don’t do that…. It’s impossible for us to harm ourselves, which results in death. Our wolf form kicks in and heals us instinctively without our permission. It’s not exactly easy to find a way that a wolf can’t save.” Colton leans in, it seems none of us can eat when this is the topic, and I frown heavily, my stomach churning with the topic.
I’ve never heard of a wolf taking its own life, ever. It’s unheard of as we can heal from most things naturally with a turn, even mental health. Tawna is rare if depression overtakes her and is not healing, and I wonder if she is a pure wolf. The Shaman has been studying the grimoires under the house and mentioned that half-breeds could sometimes cause flaws in the wolf DNA. Maybe Tawna isn’t as pure as her mate thought. Another spew of secrets that the Santo bloodline has hidden for generations.
“Maybe it’s just a wish she won’t ever carry through. Can’t possibly attempt. She loves her daughter; I doubt she will leave her that way. There’s no way she can get hold of anything in the homestead that would aid her in taking her life. We can recover from almost anything.” Colton seems to be trying to convince himself that this is an unfounded worry and will pass in time as Tawna gets help.
“It takes an iron will not to turn wolf when your body is dying. Tawna is not strong, and I doubt she could overpower the survival instinct. We should put her in the med bay for a few days, have Anya visit daily, and let the doctor decide on the best way to help her through the long term. She’s depressed, and we should handle her carefully with love and tender care.” Sierra interjects, again dragging my mind to the possibility of Tawna not being pure. Wolves don’t get depressed.
“We should bring Carmen into the sub-pack communal and let them talk it out with her too, bring her back into the fold. They were her pack once, and she needs more than just her mom again to find the strength to help her heal. If we have more wolves on board helping Carmen support her mom and pulling her through this dark mindset, then who knows, it may help them both. Carmen will waiver if she alone bears the burden.” I suggest, with a logical brain, pushing my weird, messy feelings about that girl aside as my Luna's heart takes over and Colton blanches at me in disbelief
“You want to let Carmen back in the sub pack? Do you need to lay down for a bit, baby?” He leans out and feels my head, and I push it away with an eyeroll. Dramatic much.
“She’s one of our people and never really left the subs… she wasn’t disengaged or tossed out. They all just left the mountain without her. She’s alone, and she needs her family. I can put the past to bed, and she says she wants to. Meadow will be better with her now that she no longer has ties to you, and I think when I explain some of this to Meds, she’ll agree. We look after our own and, like her or not… Carmen is one of ours. She needs the emotional backup right now.”
In my heart, I know this is how it needs to be. As Luna, I need to put the needs of my people over my grudges. Carmen may never become my best friend, but as long as she is willing to respect my position as Luna, I can live with her among us.
I don’t need to compete for the affection of my pack, my best friend, or my mate. I have them all on my own, and she failed even with two years of being beside them. Carmen is just a femme in my pack now, nothing else. As long as I keep that in the forefront, I’m sure my jealousy over her past with Colton will eventually fade away.
“Maybe not having that attitude because she thought she was heading for Luna status will finally warm her to the pack. She always treated them like she was above them because of me, but maybe not anymore. It might make a difference to how she gels with them again.” Colton points out and leans in fast to throw a kiss on my lips. A little ‘I’m proud of you’ with that cute boy smile melts me. I can feel his happy surprise coming off in waves and affecting my inner doubts, pushing a warm gooey feeling to relax my muscles and ease my tension.
“She needs the support. Maybe it will help her better deal with Tawna and get her past this. I think Tawna needs to learn to live without her mate, and I can help her with that, be her support and mentor.” Sierra smiles weakly, and I can’t help but feel the heart-aching slice of pain I always get when she talks of being alone this way. Wolves are meant to mate up, it’s part of our purpose, and we are never meant to be alone. She can try and hide it behind smiles as much as she likes, but I can always feel her truth. Sierra lives with a broken heart every second of every day.
“Okay, with that decided, how about you two tell me how your day was? I need some mood-lifting after mine. How are the new building works going? How was the school’s first day in their new home?”