“We fought in the kitchen, and I went upstairs to cool down. When I came back, you were gone, and so were my cell and the car keys. And, of course, my car. I was pissed, even though I came down to salvage something between us because I felt like shit for fighting and saying those things to you. All I thought about upstairs was how it would feel if it were reversed…. What I would do if you had a lover told me you wanted a divorce, that you wanted me gone, and it screwed me up more than I thought… A hell of a lot more. … I came down to find you …. I didn’t even know what I was going to say to you... When I realized you took my car, I caught a cab to Bryants to vent about how messed up I was and the whole fucking mess I had made of my life. I knew you would probably fuck with the car and return a wreck… I knew how your mind worked and honestly expected to come home later to find you there and that my car was probably dead.” Jyeon slides one hand down to find my wrist and traces my vein pattern until his fingers meet mine. Interlacing them before lifting my hand to his face and rubbing my knuckles against his cheek. Slight affection speaks volumes about how much he hates talking about the past. He rotates it so my palm faces him and kisses it gently at the base, so it tickles.
“I took your phone, so how did you find out about the crash?”
“My car has an inbuilt SOS function that alerts emergency services if anything happens, such as an impact or submersion. You initiated it, and they got out there pretty fast. When they couldn’t reach me on my missing cell, they contacted Bryant and Avery, both emergency numbers on my account. I was with Bryant, and he handed me his cell to be told my wife drove off the peak point and into Drythe River.” Jyeon makes a breathy snort noise and cocks his head to one side. “My first reaction was that you jammed the accelerator on and watched my car plow over that damn cliff because there was no way my Sohla would drive herself off... I thought this was your revenge, and you would show up at home with a smug look, knowing you kicked me where it mattered. I loved that car….. ironically because you bought it for me back when we seemed like we had a future.”
I chuckle at the weirdness of that fact. Not sure why it’s funny, but it is. Also strange. I hated that car with a passion because of his love for it and what it symbolized, yet he said he loved it because of me. We were totally screwed up.
“You thought I was okay?” I question with a raised brow.
“At first, yeah. I hightailed it to the valley to see them hauling my car out, using Bryant’s cell to call you about a million times. I was mad as hell at you.… Only, the crash site crew told me they found skid marks on the road above that were consistent with high speed and losing control, and the crash barrier made it clear you were driving fast when you veered off. They said there was no way you would have gotten out of the car, and it looked like you deliberately avoided slowing or braking.”
“The breaks failed; it wasn’t that I didn’t try and slow down. I was driving like an idiot though. If I hadn’t been….” Then I would probably have been able to slow the car or swerve somehow.
Jyeon rubs his thumb over my wrist and puts my palm back against his cheek.
“I still remember the moment they said it to me as the car was dragged onto the bank. They found your bag and cell inside, along with one of your shoes….. Everything came to a standstill, and this guy was repeating at me that my wife had been in the car; she was missing because the river was overflowing from recent rainfall and you'd probably been swept undercurrent and out to sea.” Jyeon shudders at the memory. Gripping me tighter like he’s reliving some of the pain.
“I remember him asking if you were a strong swimmer… if you could have fought and somehow made it to shore. So calm and in a nothing way, like he was asking about the weather…. Like my whole world hadn’t just come caving in on me to find that you were in the car, and they didn’t know where you were…. It was at that moment everything fell away and became meaningless… Years of resentment, bullshit, and confusion and fucking up our relationship - in a blink, my heart was ripped out of my chest, and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t take in what they said to me as your face flashed through my head and your voice rang in my ears. It was the worst moment of my life… Worse than dad, even losing Tia.” He exhales, his voice wavering, and it affects me too. Making the tears roll again, I sniff as he relives his account of the event. Something I was oblivious to while fighting for my life not that far from here and sailing away on my tree raft, out of his grasp.
“I just kept thinking that it wasn't true. There was no way in hell you would leave me like that. You were my fighter, my right hand, my constant in life who was there no matter how many times I had been a jackass that didn’t deserve you. You never left me, even in our worst times…. They had to find you because I couldn’t lose you… The thought of you being out in that water broke me, and I remember stupidly taking a run-in to start looking for myself. I couldn’t leave you cold and scared, fighting for your life… I knew you could swim and wouldn’t give in because it’s not who you were, and I needed to find you. I couldn’t leave you there… Bryant had to haul me back and shake me to my senses because I was not leaving until we did.”
“You went through my head when I went off that cliff. I called out for you because I knew what was happening and was terrified. I didn’t want to die. Even hurt and hating you. You were the one I yelled for and prayed to find me. I was so scared.”
Jyeon buries his face in my hair, and it’s only now that I realize we're both crying as warm dampness touches my neck. Reliving the horror of that night and hurting in our ways for our own reasons.
“I came for you, baby. I’m sorry I was late. I’m sorry I didn’t stop you that night in the kitchen and admit I was a fucking mess over us. I’m sorry I didn’t hold onto you.”
“I didn’t think you would miss me at all. I figured you would move on and have everything you wanted. OLO, Claire, a life without me in it, causing you unhappiness. Your reputation wouldn’t be ruined, and you could forget me and have everything you wanted for a better life.”
“How could I forget you?” Jyeon turns me in his arms and pulls me into a bear hug. “I couldn’t live without you. OLO gave me a focus that pulled me back to work because I didn’t want to disappoint you by letting what you worked so hard to build crumble around me. OLO was your legacy and memory, and I had to make sure it was there for you to return to…. I wanted you more than anything, and I hated that I only knew it after losing you and destroying everything. You have no idea what I went through, hating myself for being so stupid. The emptiness of a world without you in it.”
I cry against his chest, not because of pain or unhappiness but because this is hard yet cathartic. I understand his mental change and his thought process. It helps with the doubts and opens my eyes to plausible truths I couldn’t grasp before.
“For the first time, I had everything except you. I could have chosen to move on and start over. With OLO, my freedom, my life, money, and another woman…… the only thing that changed was that you were gone, and everyone accepted you were dead, so I had nothing holding me to our past…. It hit me hard that all that time, what I thought was forced between us, wasn't. That none of it meant anything without you… Even when we were dysfunctional and cold, you were my constant stability and support. I always knew you had my back and that nothing would ever fall apart as long as you were there. Where I needed you, without even realizing it... I had depended on you for everything, to stay emotionally strong my whole life….. been able to get through because you were always within reach, where I could see you. You gave me the strength to be able to keep going. Your loyalty made me secure that you would never stray, and I was so blind to how comfortable I was because I had you and knew you were going nowhere. No matter what I did.”
His words silence me, yet I understand because it had been the same for me. I needed him there, even when we were emotionally far apart. I could ignore and forgive and fight another day as long as he existed in my world and never ventured out of reach. Knowing he had my back and was my security. I was his right hand in OLO, and he relied on me. His disinterest in other women gave me some sense of security even though our marriage was a sham because I felt like, on some level, we were safe in our fucked up bubble. He was mine, and I didn’t want to leave him. I completely get why my being gone opened his eyes to what was always there between us, staring us in the face.
It pulled his veil of confusion away and gave him a chance at the outcome he thought he wanted. Me gone.
Only getting it and living it made him realize it’s never what he would choose for himself. The same reason that I was drawn back to him after all this time despite the past and the pain. For me, he was always my choice too. When you stripped everything else back to the bare bones, I couldn’t fight my feelings for him or the chance at having a second shot.
“I knew you were alive and swore I would never give up looking for you. You were my survivor and fighter, and there was no way in hell you would be gone so easily. Not the Sohla I watched bloom into the strongest woman I knew. I couldn’t accept it, and I didn’t want to. There was no future without you in it. I swore I would never take you for granted or lose you again when I found you. I would throw myself at your feet, beg for forgiveness, and bring you home. I would love you in the way I never showed you and never let anyone take you away from me again. That’s how much I need you, Sohla; that’s how much I love you.”
“What do we do now?” It sounds like desperate words from a broken child because it’s how I feel—overwhelmed with everything and knowing the steps forward are not that simple. Yet I can’t stay here and do nothing, or else the heavy mood of the last days will keep following me. I am suffering from the fallout of the past and running away from my own life, and I have no clue how to start navigating it again now that I can’t outrun it anymore. I don’t know how to heal my wounds and let them go.
OLO is looming in my head, yet it’s only my fear keeping me from reaching out and touching it. It’s an unresolved yet huge presence that I don’t want to let go of despite my denials and refusals. OLO was my baby and my father's gift. It’s all I have left of my parents, and it was something I nurtured and grew and was proud of.
“Take one day at a time. As slow as you need. Make no decisions at all, and we see how we go. We face whatever we need to work through together, head-on. Both of us.” He seems so sure that we can get through whatever this is, and it’s a simple case of taking small steps. I wish I had his confidence, but I trust his judgment in this. Greta said something similar.
“I don’t know where to start. I buried my head in the sand for so long.”
“We start where it hurts the most … something I think is lingering there, but we haven’t done anything about it. We both healed a little in terms of it, but we need to do this together. Maybe the rest will follow if we take steps to move on with that.”
I raise my chin to blink up at him, unsure what he’s homing in on, and catch the way he’s gazing at me. His expression is so filled with love that it melts my doubts and fears. There’s a softness to his eyes, and the way he keeps me pressed to his body reassures me.
“What would that be?” I question softly.
“We do something we’ve never done together… We visit our daughter and take her some flowers while we finally put her name on her grave.”