Almost as if on cue, Jyeon glances back this way subtly, checking to see where I am, and catches both of us staring his way openly as his new friend leans down to his table and continues trying to chat him up. He seems surprised that we are watching him and gives me a slightly nervous hint of a smile. Visibly straightening and becoming awkward under our scrutiny.
Greta raises a brow and waves with a stern expression as if to tell him to deal with her, and I stay blank-faced and still and give him zero signals. My gut churning and heart hammering that I know he isn’t interested in anyone but me. I have to learn to accept it and grow faith in him again.
Everything was different back then, and I understand how we ended up and why he started an affair. Our relationship wasn't like it is now. I know Jyeon wouldn’t risk screwing everything up like that now that we’re here. He’s putting his entire life on hold to chase me and give me what I need while I figure out where our future goes. He’s letting me lead the way and proving over and over that this is real and he loves me. I can trust him.
Jyeon says something to his admirer before sliding out of his seat and stepping by her. Seemingly saying something else, her face drops to an ashen expression, and she frowns at him, looking like he dashed whatever hope she had brewing. He turns our way with a hand gesture, and I flinch and quickly busy myself with organizing, dropping my eyes back to the counter before she looks this way. Greta doesn’t budge an inch and continues her crazed stare even when I catch them both looking this way out of the corner of my eye.
Jyeon Moves towards us, leaving the woman behind, and closes the gap between his table and where we are, making me feel guilty for spying. Walking confidently without a backward glance and my skin prickles with the sensation of his eyes on me.
“Baby? Want to go a walk with me for some air? I need a break.” He says it loud enough for half the shack to hear. I flutter my lashes up his way innocently, pretending I wasn't scoping out his admirer all this time, and smile brightly. On the other hand, Greta grabs me by the waist and physically shoves me past her towards the open hatch on the end of the worktop. Being hostile in making it clear I get no say or choice.
“Don’t hurry back. We have things covered here.” She beams at me, and I trip as I make my way out to my waiting husband. He’s looking sexy in a light-colored shirt and dark pants, combining office and casual, and I falter and straighten myself back to rights.
“Ummm, okay. Yes. Sure.” I stutter, making my way out on autopilot, and Jyeon comes to meet me and scoops my hand up in his. Enveloping my fingers in his. He leans in and kisses me on the temple before smoothing back my hair behind my ear and tugging me close to slide my arm under his and make it clear we’re very together. I think this is his way of announcing to onlookers that he’s my man and not interested.
I catch sight of the woman over his shoulder, stalking back to her table and glancing this way. Seemingly embarrassed that she was trying to hit on the husband of one of the shack owners, she sidles out of sight fast while blushing. It makes me feel guilty and a little better, and I let go of that inner tension she was causing me.
“You look beautiful today.” He quietly says it close to my ear and turns to lead us out. Making a show of being intimate and affectionate with me, I know it’s not just to send a message to the woman. It’s to soothe my ruffled feathers for catching him being chatted up and enforce the fact I have nothing to worry about. I know how his mind works at times.
We get outside quickly, and he guides me down the steps and left towards the footpath for the hill climb to the viewpoint I like to use as a thinking spot. It’s become a place we sometimes go on lovely summer evenings to walk off large dinners or spend some alone time away from the hustle and bustle of the village. I can sense him being extremely attentive to my mood, and I shyly glance up at him as we walk and catch his eyes on me. A strangeness in the atmosphere today that I didn’t notice this morning.
“You know I’ll never betray you again, Right? I learned my lesson, and back then… it wasn't like it is now. I didn’t know how I really felt about you. I didn’t understand how much you meant to me or how crazily I could love you if I stopped fighting it. You can trust me that I won’t ever hurt you again. I’m not interested in other women.”
It's a serious and pointed statement, his eyes on me, squeezing my hand to drive it home. Making me feel stupid for the jealousy all morning, a vast choking sensation wells inside me that he knew I needed this from him today.
“I know. I believe you…… I understand why it happened back then, and it’s not the same now.” I reply softly, tightening my fingers in his to show him I mean it. Overwhelmed with heavy emotions that he could be this man for me after all those years of hurting one another.
“I’m sorry for the affair. For what I did. Really…..I regret it so much. I have regretted it since back then, and I wish I could erase it from our past completely, so it wasn't here now lingering between us sometimes. I hate that I make you scared that I’ll do something like that again….I won’t. I never will.”
It kills me that he’s been aware of my feelings today, even though I kept trying to hide them, and it’s a pointer to how much better we’re getting at seeing and understanding one another as we grow closer. He would have been oblivious to it before, and yet now, he could sense without asking this is what I needed.
“It’s not between us anymore. It’s just residual fallout that, in time, will fade.” So Greta keeps telling me, and I want it to be true.
“Let’s go away…. retake our vows and head off on a real honeymoon that we never had. Just you and I. nothing else in the way. So I can show you how serious I am about us. Fix some of what I broke.” He sounds strained and tense, and I search his side profile seeing a stiffness that wasn't there this morning, unsure why it is now. It’s not just how I was in the shack that has him this way, but obviously, something else brewing in him too. He seems like he’s putting too much emphasis on this as though he’s scared I'm going to run and bolt.
“Why the sudden rush? You seem upset… uptight. This isn’t like you. What is it?” I tug his hand to bring his eyes to me, and when he does, he’s frowning so slightly that it’s giving him a slight wrinkle on his forehead. He narrows his eyes at me and then slides his fingers out of mine and lassos his arm around me instead to hug me in close. Almost crushing me with the force of his embrace.
“I think we need ‘us’ time. I know I’m failing at trying to make you secure and ….”
“You’re not.” I cut in and halt him mid-sentence, stopping in the track and turning to him so his arm slides down my back and his palm settles on my waist. “You have no idea how much you’re doing everything right. Showing me I can trust you and learning to believe in your feelings for me. Where is this coming from?” I reach up and trace his jaw with my fingers, seeing sudden desperation deep in his eyes that’s unlike him and guilty that I put it there with my behavior today. Jyeon exhales heavily, mirroring my gesture, and runs his fingers across my eyebrow and down my cheek igniting goosebumps and tingling sensations. His touch, as always, has the power to send my body into overdrive.
“I’m terrified of losing you. I get paranoid over the smallest things… Afraid of screwing this up. Thinking that I might blink and you’ll be gone, and I’ll have to relive those two years of lonely emptiness in a Sohla’less world. I didn’t think it was possible to fall in love with you more than I already was, but I’ve discovered how deep love can go these past weeks. How much more there is when you commit fully.”
He blows out his air as though to calm his frantic emotions, a softer expression moving in.
“I am sooo doomed, baby. I can’t function doing everyday tasks anymore without constantly checking where you are. Needing you close, wanting you in sight. It’s completely destroying my self-esteem, that I cannot get a handle on things like I used to and am one hundred percent dependent on your presence to breathe.” He jests, only it seems like it’s a partial joke, and his tone has an edge of seriousness. Bopping me on the end of the nose with his pointer finger, he smiles before leaning down to peck me on the forehead with a sweet kiss. It's endearing to know I’m not the only one struggling with it.
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise. …. We’re working through things and figuring it out. No matter what, I know I want to be with you and make this work. I don’t need us to take our vows yet or run away.”
It never even occurred to me that Jyeon had insecurities about us too. He always seems so sure and confident, as though everything in life is going his way and it will be okay, and I guess he’s always worn this mask. So you never read his fears below the surface. Ingrained in him by his parents, he should always appear in control and unruffled by life.
“I love you so much, it physically hurts. I never saw it before, and I feel stupid as fuck that I spent all those years blind to this. Do you know how special you are? How amazing, beautiful, and intelligent? You’re the only Sohla in the whole world and so special…. no one has ever compared to you or ever will. You’re my Sohla, the only one. My one.”
His words choke me, pushing a lump up into my throat that aches, and my eyes mist over with sheer physical pain in a good way. Having him bluntly say something I longed for so many times back then. His love is radiating right at me, unconcealed.
“I feel the same. You have no idea how much I always loved you. How much I regret wasting years and being someone so cut off. “ I slide my arms around his waist and step in to lay my cheek against his chest, needing his cuddles and security. Jyeon accommodates me, hugging me back and wrapping me up tight like he always does before propping his chin on top of my head, and we both sigh with a slight exhale. Signaling how this always feels like sinking into a safe home of coziness.
“Going to the grave, spending this time here … It’s made me hope for many things in our future. A real home together… Kids…. A life where we can be happy and not let anything interfere with us ever again. Mother knows not to overstep boundaries anymore, and Yoonah is rooting for us this time, knowing he needs to figure out his feelings to have a healthy relationship with both of us. We have potential, but I feel there's one thing stopping us beyond what I did….. I feel like it’s a huge black ball in the middle of our sunny day, and I didn’t want to bring it up, but it’s unavoidable the longer this goes on.”
“What’s that?” I lean my head back and blink up at him, bewildered about what it could be when the main points that affected us back then have been slowly brought to the forefront in these past few weeks. I feel like we’re getting through them with baby steps, and I can honestly not understand what else there is. Unless he means the lack of deciding where we will live, but he promised that wasn't an issue and to take my time to figure that out. He swore there would be no pressure.
“OLO,” Jyeon states, and I wonder if he and Greta have talked about this recently for him to bring it up much like she did.
“How is that standing between us?” I blink at him, questioning. Suspicion rising, and not liking the thought of them conspiring behind my back.
“I feel like it’s something that’s keeping a part of you closed down and unwilling to step out of the past. Maybe if you faced that, some of this ……. hurt you’re carrying might disperse.”
“Did Greta put you up to this?” I snap defensively, the same weird anxious churning and tightening in my stomach riling up when OLO is mentioned. I don’t understand my increasingly dramatic response to it lately, yet I can’t stop it. Instantly guilty at losing my temper, I turn my face away from him and bite my lip to curb it.
“She might have…. we weren't talking about it behind your back. It came up in a brief conversation earlier at the bakery.”
“What do you think exactly is the issue with OLO? Are you now backtracking on having a life with me here if I chose never to go back to it? What is this?” I try to soften my haughty tone, but it still comes out in a wounded, strangled, and uptight way. Bitterness in my mouth and feeling cornered because of the topic after Greta already brought it up.
“No… No. I have no problem with you staying here and being a waitress in a diner for the rest of our lives if that’s what makes you happy. I really don’t. It’s just….” Jyeon exhales, realizing this is bordering on an argument and not what he intended, sliding his arms away from me to rest his hands on my shoulders and holding me in place. Locking his gaze on me even though I now refuse to initiate eye contact and stare off at the scenery to his right.
“I know you. I have watched you since we have been here and saw how you are. If this were a case of knowing this place was enough, and you were happy, I wouldn’t keep trying to bring OLO up. It would be enough for me too.”
“What are you saying?” I frown at him, finally looking at his serious face, attitude present in my tone and prickling all over.
“You’re dissatisfied and bored. I see you working there, looking for things to challenge you and finding nothing. You use the village to help dampen your urge, but even then, there’s only so much for you to achieve. I see how you side-eye the paperwork when we're on the boat, the urge to flick open a file if I leave it near you. You’re stopping yourself and wasting your brains and talent because you’re scared of the past.”
He said he wouldn’t pressure me over OLO, and here he is, pressuring me. I shrug myself out of his hands and turn back to the track we initially started to follow, walking away and tossing my hair over my shoulder. Not willing to do this, and I’m afraid of an actual falling out when I am in no mood and still fragile.
“OLO made me miserable,” I state blankly.
“No, it didn’t. I did.” He follows me, catching me by the wrist, and tugs me to a halt. Forcing me to stand still even if my back is to him. A tension sparks between us, and I start to get tearful because I don’t want to fight over this, and it’s a topic I actively avoid.
“OLO made me someone else, someone awful…… Do you really want her back? That woman you despised and pushed away? That cold bitch who hid behind her fears and pain and shared nothing with you?” I turn on him, eyes filling up and lip trembling. Afraid of ruining this between us and losing myself if I go backward.
“Is that what you think will happen? That OLO will strip you of who you are again, and we go back to how it was? I told you that would never happen. Everything is different. I wouldn’t let it happen. It couldn’t happen because all of that… it was my fault! It was our situation, loss, and lack of communication, and we won’t be that dumb again.”
I shake my head at him, brain stammering and trying to calm my swirling thoughts and fears. It’s so stupid and overwhelming because it is a hugely symbolic part of everything. I am afraid of who I was, coming back to destroy everything, and it’s easy to blame it all on a brick-and-mortar building and see it as a cause and threat I should steer clear of even if I miss it. Even if I know that I am putting too much weight on OLO and Greta is right that it’s a huge factor in holding me back from moving on.
“I failed to be what you needed, and you shouldered more than you ever should have. I didn’t cherish or care for you or share the burdens I was meant to, and you built a protective wall to cope. I know this now and how to make sure it never happens again. It doesn’t have to be like it was. I'm not asking you to come back as the VP and spend your entire life working as we did. I don’t want that either.” Jyeon brushes his fingers through my hair and then gently smudges away the tears which trickle out of the corner of my eye, bringing me back to him with gentle hands. “I want a life with you that isn’t working twenty-four-seven in OLO. I want us to go on vacations and have time together every day. I want to take you places we never went and show you the world. I want to hold your hand, enjoy this island, and see you happy with Greta and your friends here while still being satisfied in life and challenged by OLO. You can have both worlds, and we can be stronger because of it.”
His words slowly trickle through my stubbornness, yet I’m so scared of the unknown. Standing quietly, sniffing back the wave of suffocating ache and fear. He doesn’t understand how it’s all tied up in one messy ball of twine. OLO, the affair, the pain and misery of who I was, and the accident.
“Trust me. I will never let anything go back to how it was. You are OLO, you always were, but you are the most important thing to me, and I only want to see you happy and would never push you towards it if I thought it would hurt you again.”
Jyeon stares at me, taking my silence as a sign I am softening and listening. I’m trying to think straight and think of reasonable excuses and responses to counteract his arguments, yet I find none. I know this is a fight or flight response and some weird PTSD that I refuse to face.
“Try, for me. Come to OLO… just for a few days. We’ll review the stocks and reports you’re entitled to see as a shareholder. We can open your office, chase the memories out of it, pack up the past, and put Sohla Park of old to bed. Wander around, let you see that there’s nothing scary about a place you once loved. Remember why you loved it and what it could be if we approach it differently than before. I want you back by my side as my right-hand man who made me feel like I could rule the world.”
“Jyeon…” I try to refuse, wondering what happened to his idea of an extended vacation and our blissful days on this island. After observing me here for only a couple of weeks, he soon forgot all about that. Thinking this might fix something in me.
“It’s all in your head. It’s fear and nothing else. I will not let it stand in your way of having a happy life again. I know you well enough to know that you need OLO for yourself.”
We’ll stand here all day arguing about this, or I have to change tact. Cave a little or face endless nagging and fights about this until one of us backs down. I glare at him, grit my teeth and jut my chin out in stubborn defiance, but I know he’s as unmoveable as me when he gets an idea in his head, and I can see that steel persistence moving in.
Looking to the past, I know which of us can be the more ruthless and persistent in never letting go of something, and I fear I will spend wasted time in tears while back at war with him if I don’t relent a little. Damaging what’s building here over something this stupid.
“Fine… I’ll go to OLO and clear out my office. I’ll read the damn reports and do what you want… but when it doesn't change my mind, then back off and don’t do this to me again!”