EMILY
I didn't know the meaning of the phrase "Ghost of my past" until now.
Carson Heinrich stood in front of me, over six feet tall, all the chubby fat transformed into muscles and abs. A chiseled jawline, all the smoothness from before was gone. He looked more rugged now.
The universe hadn't played fair. He had turned into a hottie in two years. Carson who used to be a potato like me now he'd become long golden crispy fries while I'd remained the same.
A potato.
He looked a little flustered. "Didn’t think we would bump into each other here. It's so good to see you again, Emily."
He genuinely meant it, I could tell.
"Likewise." I smiled, "I've been given the responsibility to give you a little tour. Shall we go?"
He picked up the coffee, slinging his back-pack over his shoulders, and walked alongside me.
"So, what brings you to my school?"
He shrugged, "long story."
"I won't push you if you don't want to talk about it."
"Actually I do. You remember how I used to be bullied before, right?"
"Yes. I remember that you told me."
"Yeah I was pulled out from there and homeschooled last year until I decided I wanted to go back to another school. I couldn't stomach the thought of sitting with those douchebags for another year so I convinced my dad to get me a transfer."
"You did right. That would have been a toxic environment. You'll be better off here." I pointed at the gymnasium where a team of boys were playing volleyball, "I bet you play some sport. Let me guess..."
He had a smirk on his face.
I looked at his thick biceps. Definitely a Quarterback. "American Football?"
He snorted, "try again."
I showed him the basketball court, "Basketball then?"
"Here's your clue, Emily. I don't play sports."
"I'm clueless." I gave up.
"MMA. Mixed Martial Arts. My speciality is Karate."
"Wow. That's awesome. I'm impressed. In that case, let me take you to the Martial Arts club first before I can show you the other places. You should talk to the instructor."
"I really appreciate you showing me around, Emily. That's sweet, you know after—"
"Oh my god, you haven't even tried the double chocolate milkshake in the cafeteria. It is the bomb!"
I hoped he didn't notice that I'd cut his conversation short because he was walking right into the danger zone.
"I'm very particular about my diet now." He said, "Gone are the days when I used to stuff my face with Cheeto puffs."
"I remember how much you liked those."
I'd lied to Seth when I told him I didn't know Carson when I slept with him. Carson and I hadn't been "friends" but we saw each other in parties enough to know that we were very similar. Our situations were the same and that's what had brought us together. We had been two lonely people trying to look for a connection, someone who could appreciate us the way we were.
I took Carson to the martial arts class where he spent a few minutes enrolling into the club and talking to the teacher who seemed impressed by whatever Carson told him.
"Next I'll show you the ice-hockey rink."
While we walked there, I noticed how he'd check me out when he thought I wasn't looking. Any girl would have been flattered with his hot stares, but due to our awkward history together, it wasn't making me feel anything.
I gave him the entire tour of the school, feeling comfortable in his presence, not the nervousness that I initially thought I would feel. He was being polite and sweet.
"This is your locker."
His locker was exactly four lockers down from mine.
Bummer.
"Emily." He said finally, "I need to tell you something."
I sighed. Here it goes. I'd been trying to avoid this conversation for a long time but I knew the confrontation would come some day. I didn't know it was going to be today. I wasn't prepared but there was nowhere to run and hide.
I'm sure he had enough time to rehearse whatever he wanted to say between the fifteen minutes we'd spent on the tour.
"Sure." I smiled trying to hide the sweat that was breaking against my neck.
Carson leaned against the locker door and I was tempted to tell him not to, in case he would dent it. His soulful brown eyes looked amber under the sunlight and they seemed haunted by something.
"I'm sorry for last time."
"Sorry about what, Carson?" I asked stupidly.
He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it. Regret was written all over his face.
"Oh, I get. Don't worry about it. We were just young and stupid." I tried to laugh it off. "It's nothing."
"No, Emily." He argued, "it was not nothing." His entire stance changed, his body going stiff. His next works were whispered, "I hurt you that night."
I sucked in a breath, wanting to forget because I'd chalked it up as a bad experience and I had never talked about it to anyone. I'd only told Indigo and Seth. The rest of the time I pretended it never happened.
"You have no idea how much I've been beating myself over it, for over two years, Emily. I kept thinking over and over about how I could have done it better, if I'd asked someone older what I was supposed to do. I screwed up. I can't..." he let out a slow breath, "I can't forget how I made you cry that night. I was so goddamn selfish, I'd enjoyed the sex, but did not make you cum."
I cringed at his words.
"Carson, really, it's okay. You don't have to blame yourself. We both turned sixteen at the time and we were virgins." I touched his arm in polite gesture. "It was a recipe for disaster, trust me."
He took that hand from his arm and held it in both of his. "I'm truly sorry. I tried my best to get in touch with you, even through Instagram and Snapchat. Whenever I sent you some messages, your account would get deleted."
My account wasn't deleted, I blocked you, you idiot.
I felt bad for doing that. Carson was just...naïve.
Even though I was the one who'd blocked him, he assumed my account was deleted. He'd been living in guilt for too long. Just because I had a bad experience it doesn't mean I had to "ghost" him.
"My account didn't get deleted. I was blocking you." I admitted.
He stared at me with confusion. "Oh...I see. Well, I deserved it."
I shook my head, "I should have talked to you."
We stared at each other in awkward silence until he decided to break it. "I want to put this behind us."
"Me too." I admitted. "Let's forget about it."
"I don't think I would ever forget." He mentioned, "we had a lot of fun before that. You made me feel better about myself, and I can never forget a girl who made me feel that way. You were the first."
I smiled, "understandable."
"So...like can we hug it out?"
"Yeah, okay."
I put my arms around him awkwardly as he wrapped me in a bear hug, pulling me closer. I didn't miss the way his fingers squeezed my waist in a possessive way.
Heads started turning in our direction.
He pulled away finally, but he wouldn't let go. "I hope that we can stay friends?"
"Yeah, of course."
He smiled, "Hey guess what? We have two classes together."
"Oh wow, really?"
My vocabulary had diminished in a short duration. 'Wow' and 'Really?' were my new favorite words.
"I also took Spanish. We have a class together right now."
"Yeah. We do."
Carson seemed super excited. You'd think the guy had won a lottery. "It's going to be so much fun."
I highly doubt that.
* * *
I was being a good friend. And I promised Carson that I would put the past behind us.
How do you pretend something like that didn't happen? One of the main reasons I had avoided being in touch with Carson was because I knew things wouldn't be the same and yet he was hell-bent on proving his point.
Seth was nowhere in view so that meant he was at practice. To my utter horror, Carson took the seat beside me, the one that Seth usually sat in. He even brought the desk closer, our knees touched and I'm not sure if he felt our skins brushing but I sure as hell did.
He opened the textbook and began exchanging notes. "I have a lot to catch up on. I'm hoping you could help me."
"What do you need help with?"
"A lot of shit." He pulled out his iphone and handed it to me. "Put your number in there."
"It's the same as before."
"No. That number doesn't work."
I huffed a sigh, taking out my phone. "I'll unblock you."
He laughed. "I'm clingy as fuck. You're not getting rid of me so soon."
I giggled. "I can see that now. I'm starting to regret giving you that school tour."
His face fell, "For real?"
"I'm kidding."
"Hey, you got something in your hair." He pointed at me.
I touched my hair instinctively, "where?"
"Let me get it for you." He brushed at my hair.
I had a feeling there had been nothing.
"Hey, you're in my seat."
Carson and I both turned to find Seth's imposing figure standing near our desk, shooting poison dipped daggers at Carson. Every muscle locked in his jaw, a blank expression on his face. His green eyes regarded me for a second before he looked back at Carson.
His voice dropped threateningly low, "Get up."