思えば思わるる
Omoeba omowaruru
“When you care about (someone), you will be cared about.”
Love and be loved. / Love is the reward of love.
~Japanese proverb
Horus
I’m out of control. Even as I say it in my head and own it, I can’t stop it. I tug her into my apartment, thankful that it’s Tarek’s night to close.
I slam the door behind us. “Sorry.”
“Why?” Her eyes are thoroughly unfocused. Something isn’t right. I wave my hand in front of her face and drop it.
She’s not present with me.
She’s somewhere else.
I frown and gently pick her up into my arms. I kissed her, or she kissed me, whatever. There was something there. What happened? Where has she gone? I have no clue what’s going on as I lay her down on the couch and wait. I’ve never experienced this urgency with a total stranger before; it’s invigorating, even if it is terrifying. What did Timber say to me the day after I was stuck in this timeline? To live my life to the fullest? Is that what this feeling is? Living with weakness but relying on someone else even if it doesn’t last forever?
She is nothing to me, and yet I feel a pull.
Is this the lust I’ve been watching over and over again at the club? The reason men and women get into fights, the reason they cry out for each other, hit each other, puke on the ground, or drink too much trying to get over someone? In all my years, I have never known that sort of pull, only that of the people worshipping the random women I slept with to pass the time and me.
My powers are weak, but I can at least see what she’s seeing; maybe that will help me without having to go down into the Abyss to figure out what she actually is.
Maybe this will be enough to protect her in this lifetime.
I wave my hand over her face, then press my fingers against her temples.
She gasps, her chest rises hard, then falls. Her eyes close. Shit. I press harder and close my eyes, and then I wait.
“I will love you forever,” she whispers. “No matter what.”
The man sitting next to her has dark hair and familiar tattoos running down his arms; he flinches and then looks away. “Forever is different for so many people, just like futures.”
“Then exist in mine.” She grips his hand. She’s so happy like she’ll spend a lifetime with him.
“You’re not human, and you belong to someone else.” He slowly pulls his hand away from her. I feel the loss as if it’s my own. “It’s not meant to be.”
A tear slides down her cheek. “So you’ll marry her then?”
He stares straight ahead. “It’s my destiny. Unless you want me to marry you, then kill you, which would be yours.”
“And love? What about that?”
“Weakness.” His voice cracks, and he turns to her finally. “You’re my weakness, little fox.”
She gasps like she can’t believe what he’s saying. “But we were together, we were one, and once a fox gives itself, it’s forever!”
“For you.” He stands. Shakes his head. “Not me. You never gave me your more prized possession.”
My heart burns when he walks away. She stumbles back into the forest. Rain begins, a few drops at first, but it quickly becomes a deluge, as if the sky is weeping with her. She is drenched in seconds she crumbles down into a cave. “WHY!” She shouts.
She lies across the forest, years pass, and she meets someone else. I don’t see his face, but he wraps her in his arms, he flirts with her, he stays with her, and he protects her fur from the rain.
I’m instantly jealous of him.
Of what he’s experiencing as they talk deep into the night, as he shows her the stars and tells her that her destiny was never a puny human but greatness.
“I must go,” he whispers weeks later. “But I’ll come back. I’ll always come back.”
She waits in the rain for days, and then a voice sounds.
“A trade.” The female voice coos over the wind.
I can’t go further. As much as I want to, I can’t.
I grip her hand, though, the way he didn’t, and I hold it tight; I hold it until she finally opens her eyes; even though I’m in the present, not her past, I still hold her close. Who would dare leave her?
“Tell me,” I whisper. “Tell me your darkness.”
“Are you so pure you can consume it?” she asks right back.
“Are you so lost that you can’t remember it?”
A tear slides down her cheek. “All I remember is sadness, rejection, and isolation.”
I swipe the tear with my thumb. “Shall I find you then?”
“Is that a god thing?”
“It’s a me thing.” I offer a hopeful smile. “But only if you’ll let me.”
She’s quiet, but on an exhale, she nods. “Then search.”
I touch her temples again. I don’t see anything bright or pretty. I see confusion, I see sadness, I see someone being blocked.
And then I see a trade.
The same trade I just witnessed her discussing in my dream, but later.
She gave something to get something.
But what?
It changed her; it forced her into lifetimes. I frown. She’s so many things and yet still herself. She has to win. She has to!
I jerk my hands back. They’re shaking; I couldn’t stop them even if I wanted to. I’ve only ever seen this once in my entire existence.
“What?” She grabs me by the shoulders. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You,” I whisper. “You have one lifetime left, and then you will cease to exist.”
“What?”
“You traded your life. That’s all I know. And if you trade one thing, you have to fix it by gaining something else of equal value.” I shake my head. “I can’t help you unless I know who it was you traded with.”
Her head lowers. “I don’t know. I remember nothing.”
“Who would?” I ask mainly to myself, then remember Bannik, the Watcher of the sector she was in.
Why is it even tempting me?
I shove the thought away and pull her into my lap. “We’ll figure it out.”
“You’re familiar.”
I don’t even realize I’m petting her head until I lower my hand. “I’m sorry that was really inappropriate—”
“Please don’t stop,” she sobs against my chest. “It’s been an eternity since anyone petted me.”
Is that a thing certain humans enjoy?
I hesitate, and then my hand comes down on her head, up and down; my palm caresses her head until she turns against me and rests her cheek against my chest. “It’s nice being touched.”
“How long has it been since anyone touched you?”
“I don’t remember. But it never felt like this.” She wraps her arms around me. “I’ve never felt safe, I don’t think. Not until this moment.” Her sigh reaches into me and whispers to my soul. “Will you keep me safe?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff ready to tumble down it, yet not ready at all for the consequences of my actions. “Always.”
She burrows her face into my neck. “Thank you. I think I’ll sleep now.”
What the hell is going on? This is when having all my power would be extremely useful, and yet I’m powerless to see her future, to truly go into her past for longer than a few seconds, to taste her soul and feel her need.
“Okay.” I cradle the back of her head in my palm and lay my cheek against hers as I murmur, “Sleep.”
Minutes later, Tarek walks into the apartment, takes one look at her sleeping against me, and smirks. “Good night?”
“I’m confused,” I whisper.
“An arrogant god confused? Best night ever.” A knowing grin slides across his face, and he winks. “She’s clearly connected to you… and not human. So figure it out, god. Our end might depend on her beginning.”
“She’s that important?”
His grin abruptly falls away. “What does your heart say?” he asks. “The same one slamming against your chest, telling you that this is different, important, not normal. Ask your heart and if you’re still confused, ask your family at dinner. It’s not like you can get out of it anyway, none of us can and the last time Timber did Cassius threatened to set his ass on fire with real fire from Hell. I’ve heard it’s blue and that it’s hotter than red, but what do I know?”
I almost curse.
He holds up his hands. “Hey, it’s not like you don’t have resources. When will you stop relying on only yourself? Maybe your big test is learning to share the burden you’ve always carried.” One bushy eyebrow quirks upward. “Ever think about that?”
He’s gone before I can answer.
I hate that he might be right.
Instead of arguing further, I tuck Kit against my chest and pull on a blanket, then try to get some sleep, wondering the whole time how I can help her, help my family, help myself… without getting lost again too.