極悪非道
gokuaku hidou
“Villainy” or “diabolical”
~Japanese proverb
Horus
I stare into the darkness. Wave after wave of sheer blackness rolls over.
"You dare cross the borders, god!” The voice sounds like it’s in eternal pain; a moan and choking follow.
I close my eyes, and then I pull off my black T-shirt and rip pieces from it, wrapping them tightly around my eyes, accepting the darkness.
I toss the remains of my shirt to the ground, standing in front of the first of the unnamed. “I need safe passage to the Abyss. I have someone to speak to.”
"Stupid god.” The voice chuckles. I feel his icy presence everywhere as the wind picks up. “If we can’t leave, what makes you think you can?”
"Well…” I cross my arms. “I never did anything wrong. I never fell. So if you’d like to continue this conversation where I tell you why you’re down here guarding as one of the four kings until the apocalypse comes, be my guest. I love telling stories, and you already know how yours ends…”
"STOP SPEAKING!” he thunders.
“Oh, I thought you wanted me to defend myself. Or my purpose. Which is it, puny angel?”
He laughs. “Puny? Would you, as a god, put only puny angels under chains for thousands of years? We are not puny. We are just as godlike as you.”
“And yet nobody worships you. Nor knows your name. Here’s a riddle, do you even know who you are?”
He goes quiet.
I take another step toward the window, feeling the mud with my hands as I drop to my knees. “I would never enter the Abyss unless I could give the first guard a gift. Do you want to know your name?”
"LIES!” he shouts, and the earth shakes with his horror, his terror, and I realize it isn’t just random terror. It’s his own fear bleeding out with every breath. He can’t help it because, in the Abyss, that is all you are.
Fear.
You aren’t exempt if you’re powerful. Fear will always exist. He places his palms on the ground. “You don’t know it! Nobody knows it! I am unknown!”
“I’ll carry it for you, the sadness on your shoulders, of not knowing who you are, of being sad over the fact that your star fell long ago and when it fell, the heavens turned on you, they went dark, so you’ve lived in nothing but darkness, and when you live that long in darkness you forget who you are, you forget your light.” I open my hands wide, palm up toward the muddy window I must enter. “Your name…”
He’s finally still. “It is lost, god.”
“It was never lost, and neither are you,” I whisper and hold my hands toward the skies. I call on his stars, I call on the heavens. I use my eyes for the last time to gain entry. I pull down the veil of stars. I use them, and I see nothing but glory.
This angel.
This angel.
His despair.
His fall.
Was for his family.
It wasn’t selfish.
He will be reborn. He will be set free.
"You are very good, Ashtaroth.”
The ground moves beneath my knees, and the mountains moan.
“What did you call me?”
“Ashtaroth,” I repeat it. “Ashtaroth is what you were called. It is your name, your identity. You’ve done things that should not have come to pass, but in the end, you’ve also served well the heavens. And we know the Creator forgives. Let it fall away like the mud. Let it die one last time.”
A burning rapture encases my body until I can barely breathe as I lean toward the cold mud and grip the bars of the window I must cross through. And then nothingness hits me as I’m brought to my feet in an instant. A hand grabs my throat, lifting me into the air.
A tear slides down my cheek. Is it over before it ever began?
The darkness is pulled from my eyes.
I see light.
Such brilliant light that I can barely breathe. I have to bow. I need to bow. I can’t, but my body recognizes what I am seeing and my spirit even more. I dare not look into its eyes.
"You,” he whispers, “are the second,” he says as he shoves me to the dirty ground, “to name me in over five thousand years.”
“Who was the first?” I asked.
His smile is sad. “My brother, Bannik, before he descended to the Abyss.”
"I’m searching for him.”
“He searches for himself as well,” Ashtaroth says cryptically. “Your journey will be short, god of the sky. You are a creation just like me, and your power is limited here, even more so in the darkness. How will the great eye see if it has only darkness?”
"Faith,” I say. “Complete blind faith. I have nothing to lose, only a really pretty fox to whom I made a promise. I will save her. Even if that means sacrificing myself.”
He nods and waves his hand at the small window. “You may enter.”
The pieces of T-shirt, muddy and torn, wrap around my eyes again as I walk through.
"For her sake,” come his last words, “I hope to see you again.” The sound of the window closing hits me with an irrevocable click. I’m lost in utter darkness walking through mud. My symphony is screams from people lost in the Abyss.
From angels suffering their fall.
I'm thankful I can’t see them as I keep walking.
“HORUS!” one shouts. “God of the sky! Save us!”
"Horus! We worship you!” another shouts.
I shake my head. “We do not ever worship the creation, only the Creator.” But my soul twists with the irony because once I enjoyed the worship of humans, and now it feels like it’s all to gain something, not to give.
"BUT YOU ARE A GOD!” shouts another.
I keep walking through mud and filth as people shout at me. As the fallen shout, I walk with my hands out until I feel something hard. Doors, maybe. The doors to the true Abyss, not the prison for lesser beings, but the one holding the remaining three fallen of the apocalypse, the ones who will one day bring about the end of the world.
The one guarded by Bannik as his punishment for falling.
I trail my fingers over the cold hard stone, and in Japanese it says, “The one who watched will watch.”
I lean my forehead against the hard stone. “Bannik.,” I whisper. “I need you.”
The stone begins to shake while the rest of the prisoners scream. I know this is unheard of. I also know I may never see light again, but I press forward as the doors creak open.
I feel nothing but a frozen cemetery around me. I keep walking. My footsteps fall hard against the cold stone, I can feel them through my boots.
"Why are you here, god of the sky?” a sinister voice asks. “Why have you disturbed my brothers and me?”
I inhale and exhale, then smile. “You miss it, don’t you?”
"What are you talking about?”
“The sky.” I nod. “You miss it. I could show it to you if you want to trade?”
"What could we possibly trade?”
I wave my hand over my head. “I’ll make you a sky.”
"You’ll make a sky in the darkness of the Abyss? For what?”
"Past lives. A Kitsune, one from your guarded area so long ago. I need her memories. I need her past lives. I need a way to set her free.”
Bannik bursts out laughing, something warm fans across my face, suddenly, flames appear, and I can see. The remnants of the T-shirt disintegrate and drop to the ground in ash, and there he sits on a throne of ice.
His eyes are black. His hair falls in darkness with red and white pieces pulled through the front toward his eyes by his temples. His smile is so cruel I want to look away. “You want to set her free for you or for her?”
“Her,” I say instantly. “And you’re the only one who knows the folklore of the past lives. You are the last fallen—” I catch myself. “The last to see the memories and myths. I can’t access it because I’m—”
“Out of your time, yes, it seems you aren’t where you are supposed to be, god of the sky. In fact, you’re so far out of your realm, I wonder how you’re even alive.”
“Love?” I offer. “Perseverance?”
"What will you sacrifice?” Bannik asks. “In order to gain these… things?”
The sound of moaning reaches a fever pitch as the rocks around me start to move and shake. Pieces of rubble bump against my feet. I frown down at the alabaster ground.
"What,” he says again, “will you give or sacrifice?”
"To you?” I ask.
“I do not rule the Abyss, you stupid god.” Bannik laughs. “I’m merely her voice, and she wants to know what you will give?”
“Who is she?”
A female voice starts laughing; it echoes through the walls. “I collect. I collected from your brother, and I’m very much looking forward to collecting from you.”
"One sacrifice?”
“What do you hold most dear?” the same female voice asks.
I stare straight ahead. “I admit, it’s always been my power. Since I don’t have Kit here, I’ll have to say that my most prized possession is the eye of Horus.”
“Idiot.” Bannik spits onto the ground. “You’d give up what affords you the most power? Why? Why would you do that?”
“Shut up!” the female voice yells. “Shut up!”
"WHY!” Bannik jumps to his feet and starts pounding his bare chest. His movement allows me to notice that his leather pants are in tatters; he doesn’t even have shoes on. I can hear the moans from his brothers. And yet I stare him down and wonder where it all went wrong. How the greatest of Heaven decided they would at one point just… give up.
"Why?” I ask. “Why did you fall?”
"Why?” he repeats, “did you descend to the depths of the fallen?”
“Love,” I answer simply.
He nods his head, smile sad. “Is that not why we do what we do? It’s either love or power. Every single time.”
“Power for you?”
"Love,” he rasps. “Not the kind you are experiencing.”
His words confuse me. I’m still frowning when the female voice shouts, “MAKE YOUR CHOICE!”
“My eye,” I say. “I give you the Eye of Horus.”
"I wouldn’t,” Bannik warns. “She collects power. She’ll use it—”
He falls to his knees in agony, screaming until his voice is hoarse, but even in suffering, he reaches for me and shakes his head as if to say no, don’t do it; it’s not worth it.
I wonder more about his story, this fallen angel.
He flips onto his stomach and digs his hands into the stone beneath him. Blood runs down his fingertips.
His back is covered in scars.
And where his scars are, I see two slants of protruding wings. I know what will happen next, they will grow, and every time they get big enough, they will get cut as a reminder that he’s no longer an angel.
He is fallen.
He no longer watches.
He waits.
And his wounds will never heal in this place.
Bannik looks over his shoulder at me; his eyes go from black to blue as if he has a moment of clarity. He reaches for me. “She is a nine-tailed fox, and she is your destiny. But I cannot see beyond the betrayal. The forest. And what she gave. You wanted to save her. But she beat you to it, and she lost something valuable to you both, causing you to not meet until now.”
I exhale. “Thank you, Watcher.”
Bannik’s eyes widen. “I am no longer a Watcher.”
"You are what you believe you are,” I say simply. “Just because you are in darkness does not mean you cannot see light.”
I use the last of my power then, the last of my light.
I use my star.
The star of Horus, just as valuable as my eye, and I show him what he hasn’t seen for too many years to count.
Stars being reborn.
His ability to be better.
To repent.
It’s the last piece of light I have, and I give it to my enemy. The enemy of the immortals, of the Creator, the fallen.
But what good is light if you don’t use it on the darkness?
I smile as I fall to the ground.
"You owe me your eye!” the female voice says. “I’ll save her. I’ll save her if you give me your eye, the great Eye of Horus.”
“Sacrifice.” I reach toward my face in utter darkness and press a fingertip to my eye, and smile. “Doesn’t count unless it costs everything you have. Take my eye, witch, and let me sleep.”
"Gods do not sleep in the Abyss; they toil.” She cackles. “What will you do when you can no longer see, Horus?”
"We don’t need eyes to see,” I shoot back. “Take it before I leave you.”
Searing pain stabs me in the chest, rising up toward my chin, then finally my eyes. I’ve never understood what it felt like to have something taken from you, almost like your soul leaving your body.
Just like Bannik’s wings have left him.
My eyes have left me.
I smile the entire time. I smile through the pain.
She laughs.
But who will be laughing in the end? I have to believe justice will prevail and that the immortals back on the earth plane will win.
Otherwise, why would I choose to lose?
"Kitsune,” I whisper. “She’s soft.”
Bannik laughs. “You’re stuck here now, you know that, right? She won’t let you go; you have no more favors or sacrifices to make in order to leave. You’re an idiot.”
"And you’re brilliant?” I counter. “You’ve been down here too long.”
“No.” He stumbles to his feet and falls against his throne. “I’m trapped here not because I want to be but you chose this existence, so who’s the idiot?”
“Still you. You tried to bring down the immortals, and what was it? Combine demon, and angelic blood, then imprison all your fallen brothers?”
He growls. “I had reasons.”
“I’m curious…” I’m so blind it’s strange, but I look toward where I think his body is. “What could possibly be the reason for that sort of sacrifice, Bannik?”
He’s quiet for a long time. I see nothing. He finally answers in a low voice. “I wanted to redeem my brother.”
I'm stunned stupid. “Sariel? Your brother? Cassius’s father?”
"You need power to go against Heaven, and Sariel fell like the rest of us, but he never deserved to be punished because of whom he loved. I’ll admit it became a thorn, a sickness in my soul. It became an obsession, and in the end, it was about me about powerful because of being so blind, but you know what’s so satisfying about seeing no light?”
"I’m sure you’ll tell me.”
"You can only see your own darkness. You reflect. You watch over and over again, and you realize that in the darkness, the light isn’t absent, it will always pierce through. The sadness of that reality is that even if it does, a punishment is still a punishment.”
"Misguided love.”
“Such a bitch.” Bannik laughs. “I’ve been very lonely. I’m glad it’s you, Horus.” He breathes deeply. “How is Cassius?”
"Alive. An archangel. A pain in everyone’s ass.”
"As he should be.” He falls quiet. The darkness still carries moans, though, from prisoners. “And Sariel?”
"He shines.” I smile to myself. “You should see him shine, Bannik.”
" Can you explain it to me?”
"I can.” A tear runs down my cheek. It’s so dark. Shit, it’s so dark in there. It’s so empty. Isolated. I’m without my brother. I’m without Kit. My eye. I am lost, and yet, I know I need to focus on the memories, the light. “If you look up through the darkness, you’ll see a very bright star, the North Star. He watches, he sees all, and right now, he’s even watching us. You may not feel him, but you’ll know your brother is here; he can’t help himself.”
Bannik laughs. “He’s always been very intrusive.”
I nod, hold my hands, and speak to the stars and the creators. I pray for the first time to the heavens in a very long time. I pray not for myself but for the fallen next to me. I’ve already saved the girl I loved. What was once taken from her will be returned now that the goddess of this Abyss has my eye; she’ll have her memories, and she’ll have her identity even if she doesn’t have her star.
She’ll wake up and remember everything. Memories will assault her, and she’ll realize how special she is and will always be to me and the world. She’ll be immortal; she’ll have everything because of my sacrifice. Is that not how this works? An eye for an eye? An eye for what she sacrificed, and now, she will join the Immortal Council. She’ll be able to live and laugh and love.
I hate the last one.
If I can’t get back, she’ll eventually love another. I hate them already.
I have nothing left. I ask. I pray.
"Creator.”
It’s all I have on my lips as darkness descends, and then I smile. I smile because I see her. I see us laughing and kissing.
"I love you more than anything.” I press my mouth against hers. “My little fox.”
"I’m a grown fox!” She shoves me.
I grip her hands and twirl her around and around. “My grown fox, then.”
Her eyes fall. “And if I want foxes?”
"You’ll have everything, am I not a god?” I joke.
She twirls again in my arms and leans her back against my chest. “No matter what, I just want you. Which lifetime is this?”
The heaviness in my chest intensifies. “It’s your second. You make it through one more lifetime as a human, and you can become immortal. You can become mine.”
"Stupid folklore.”
"Accurate folklore.” I chuckle. “Every mythology has its origin, and yours is that you have to make it through three lifetimes as a human after jumping into the Abyss… you’ll make it, though, I know it. We only have one more.”
“And I’ll know you? And visit you?” she asks.
I lie. “Of course. Isn’t that how it works?”
It’s not.
If she doesn’t find me.
If I don’t find her.
There will be no immortality. Or happy ending. Only her alone, isolated in a human world she doesn’t belong in.
She’ll be cold. Afraid. Alone. Terrified of the night. Of the full moon. Terrified that if she sleeps, everything will be finally stolen from her—including her bead.
The nightmare jerks me awake, and I realize I’m still in the darkness. I sense Bannik. “So this is our new future?”
“Yup.” He sighs long and hard. “Should have kept your eye and left when you could.”
"It’s not so bad.”
"Give yourself a thousand years, and you’ll change your mind.”
I shrug and sit up. “Things, they always happen for a reason.”
He snorts. “What a horrible reason, brother, what a horrible reason.”
We sit in darkness.
In silence.
I’m okay, though. I tell myself that at least she knows our past now; she knows why I fought for her.
I’m okay.
I hope she is too.
The others will help her. While nobody can rescue us, she at least has them. I find satisfaction in that and lay back down, staring up into the darkness, wishing I could see just one more star again.
Bannik makes a choking noise in his throat and then cries out. “They’re cutting again.”
"What?” I sit up.
I can’t see him.
“My wings,” he chokes out, his voice gurgling low in his throat. “It burns, it burns so bad. Tell me.” He cries out harder. Screams erupt from his mouth. “Tell me a story.”
"Second chances,” is all I can say. “They always happen when we’re in the darkness. So embrace that. Let them tear you apart. What can they do to a Watcher of the Abyss? A king? Nothing but pain. Embrace it. I’ll be here the whole time.”
“I’ve been so alone.” He sobs. “So alone.”
"No longer,” I whisper, “will you be alone.”
“No.” A booming voice sounds. “He won’t.”
The earth beneath me shakes and shatters into tiny little pieces of clay, getting thrown against the walls of the cave. Light illuminates around us, exploding in what looks like an actual sun. It nearly overwhelms my remaining eye.
"S-Sariel?” Bannik holds his hands against his face, his fingertips allowing him to peek through. “What are you doing? You’re a star! You have a purpose, a plan. You have—”
"Silence.” His hair’s red and white pulled back into a ponytail, and he’s wearing nothing but low-slung black joggers as if he stole them from some random person before coming down here. “I’m here to make a sacrifice, he announces with finality.
"What?” Bannik and I ask in unison.
The feminine voice laughs. “Oh? And what could you possibly give me, oh angel of the stars?”
Silence, and then, “Myself.”