振り向くな、振り向くな、後ろには夢がない
Furimuku na, furimuku na, ushiro ni wa yume ga nai
Don’t look back, don’t look back, there is no dream in the back.
~Shuji Terayama, Japanese playwright and poet
Horus
She’s staring up at me like I’ve lost it, and I’m staring down at her like I’ve finally found something I’ve been searching for, for a thousand years, maybe more. I’ve always given of myself; it’s part of the job. But for some reason, I don’t feel like I’m doing her a favor by touching her; it’s like she’s doing me a favor by allowing it. Everything inside of me warms. My own soul starts to reach out, tapping pieces of my heart with its tentacles, warming me.
Her hypnotic green eyes lock onto me with anticipation and maybe a bit of fear.
Adrenaline surges through my system, and my brain tells me that if I just touch her, everything in my world and hers will finally make sense.
Is this what love is?
Is this just a connection?
I want to protect her and, at the same time, let her protect herself and fight for herself.
I don’t know what to do, so I simply just lower my head and wonder what happens next.
Her hands cup the sides of my head. “Love?”
“Love,” I whisper back. “I’ve never experienced it.”
“And now?”
“Now I feel something. I feel protective.” I frown. “For no reason. I’ve only ever given myself out of kindness, never out of my own personal need or want.” I don’t know her. I just want her. I want to protect her. I feel like I’ve known her for a thousand years.
And I desire her. It must be the timeline, the way I’ve lost some of my powers that has me wishing to do carnal things, that has my mind tricked that she’s the answer to everything.
A kiss doesn’t solve problems. Oftentimes it leads to them, so why does it feel like the opposite with this pretty stranger I shouldn’t even be touching?
Despite my own warnings, I still want to give her these seconds, maybe minutes, so I press my lips to her mouth and immediately feel a force shove me back against the wall.
I’m held there.
Motionless and nearly unable to breathe as the force holds me still.
She passes out on the bed while my vision blackens.
And I finally see. I finally know.
“Stop!” She laughs and shoves against me. A thousand years ago seems like yesterday. “Remember, we aren’t supposed to be together. The heavens would be livid!”
I laugh and splash her with more water from the lake. “What can they do? I’m a god… you’re a goddess…”
“Yeah, a lesser goddess to you.”
I shrug. “Who cares? Just be with me.”
“Be with me.”
Thunder strikes overhead. I think nothing of it. I can protect her from anything in our world. But it keeps coming until rain starts pelting from above. We dress and hide under one of the trees.
“Love her and lose yourself, your family, but by all means, bring the start of chaos and ending of worlds to fruition,” a female voice says.
I stall. “Who’s there?”
“Medusa.” She laughs. “Apophis.” Another laugh erupts from what feels like the depths of The Abyss itself. “You choose. Either way, I’m chaos, and you’re really ruining my plans.”
I shove my love behind me. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Oh, but it does.”
She peers around me at Kit. “What would you sacrifice for him?”
I frown, and then I can’t breathe. She’s gripping my throat so hard that I can’t even get the words out to tell her that this demon can’t kill me. She can’t, I’m too powerful, but Kit doesn’t know she’s a lesser goddess. I move my hands.
“Awww…” She clenches my throat harder. “How sad, the love of your life… and all I really want is one thing…”
Kit straightens. “Let him go, and we’ll talk.”
She drops me to the ground. “Easy. Done. One day I will collect; you better hope your god is there when I do.”
I wake up in a cold sweat and stumble toward the bathroom.
My shift at the bar starts in an hour. Was I sleeping? Dreaming? Sleepwalking? I glance around the room. Kit’s nowhere to be found. The sound of water fills the small apartment, and then she’s coming out of the bathroom.
“Oh!” She grins, passing me on the way to the kitchen. “You’re finally up! You must have been tired last night because you completely passed out on the couch. Want eggs?”
Eggs? Do I want eggs? And why did I dream what I had?
“Yeah, um, sure.” I scratch my head and sit up. Maybe it really was a horrible dream.
“Good, I’m great at eggs, terrible at everything else.”
I frown. “Do you remember last night?” I ask.
She pauses, her hand resting on the carton of eggs before she looks over her shoulder. “It was a long night, I mean, yeah I remember, but we were both tired, let’s just work and train today, okay? I want to say no. I want to scream it. Instead, I say, “Okay.”
I get ready.
I eat her eggs.
And I train her like it’s every other day, still wondering what she is, what my part in her life is, and wondering why I had a nightmare as if we were already together.
“Horus,” Kit runs up to me. “The guy back there grabbed my ass, and I kicked him. I didn’t mean to, but it was like instinct—”
“I’ll end him.”
“No.” She presses her hands against my chest. “Like I said, I already kicked him in the balls, but like, is there protocol for this? Should I call the cops?”
I want to say I am the cops.
Instead, I suck in a deep breath. “I’ll take care of it. Just make sure you…” I look her up and down. “Stop looking so attractive.”
“It’s a T-shirt.” She rolls her eyes.
I grab her by the wrist and jerk her close to me. “It. Is. Tempting.”
“Even to you?”
I can hardly breathe. “You don’t see yourself the way others see you. I would devour you in one second, then come back for more.” I huff out an annoyed breath. “Wear a sweater.”
Aren’t ugly sweaters a thing? A funny little thing with humans these days? I have no clue why.
I release her, feeling kind of guilty yet satisfied as I approach the table of men still laughing. I cross my arms. “Who’s first?”
The guys all stare me down like they’re about to breathe their last breath. I stand there with my arms crossed, just waiting to see who’s going to shit themselves first, when I hear the sound of a siren.
How the hell did any cops get here so fast?
I look over my shoulder at Kit, she gives me a guilty look.
I slam my hands down on the table, causing all of the men to fall out of their chairs. It breaks along with the glass that falls to the floor. I don’t kill anyone, but the desire is there. “Don’t.” I hiss through my teeth. “Touch anyone, man or woman, in this bar without their consent, or I’m going to pull your spleen through your mouth and feed it to the demons in the back while I tether your soul to Hell. Understand?”
An officer walks up to me. “Did they do this?”
“I don’t know.” I look at the first man. “Did you?”
He nods his head emphatically. “It was a violent rage. Thank God this man was here to calm us down.”
I smirk at the water running down his pant leg onto his shoe. Yes, thank me all you want; that stupid human’s lucky to still have a working cock.
“All right, we just have a few questions.” He turns to me. It’s going to be a long day already.
I participated in all the questioning, and by the time I was done, I was exhausted just attempting to act normal and not violent.
She’s so pretty.
I tell myself it’s because it’s been so long and because she’s a strong person whose identity I can’t figure out.
It’s curiosity.
She’s not human, and yet she is.
I’m completely clueless as a god, something that’s never happened. Maybe, it’s going to be fine, maybe I'll just guard her the rest of my life, and she will live long and happy with someone other than me.
Oh hi, hello, nice to see you again, I’m Horus, and that girl’s really pretty, and I’ll never get to kiss her again.
Fuck.
I toss the rag against the counter and lean against it.
“Humans,” Tarek says. “Am I right?”
“Why are you here again?”
He frowns. “I work here?”
“Right, but why don’t you go home to Scotland and just… rule or do what werewolves do?”
“Ohhh, that.” He laughs. “I have a job outside of that, I’m currently doing it, but damn, my clients be hard to crack.”
“Huh?”
“What?”
”Did you say something?”
“I yawned?” He literally fakes a yawn. “Anyway, just keep going with it. Plus, you never know what might happen when you decide to save something other than yourself.”
He’s looking at Kit.
“She’s human,” I say. “She’ll be fine.”
“She’s both,” he corrects. “And she must be very tired. Exhausted actually. I wonder what you’re willing to sacrifice in order to save her.”
“What?”
“Figure it out, Horus, god of the sky.” He nods toward me.
And I spend the rest of the night wondering what the hell he’s talking about. The only person who truly would know what she is, is in the Abyss, and I’m not about to go against everything and travel down there to save some stranger who I don’t even know.
I laugh. Right. I would never do that. Ever. I’m a god. She’s clearly lesser, no matter what.
I’m not stupid.
I would never.
Ever.
Her laughter echoes around the bar.
Ever.
Ever.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
So why does it feel so familiar? The way her laugh carries around the room? And the way I crave it like my next breath.