負けるが勝ち
makeru ga kachi
“To lose is to win.”
~Japanese proverb
Kit
My world is different now.
I don’t know how it happened or why, but I realize this when Horus finally leaves. It feels different and weird, yet oddly comforting because I know in my soul he will come back. He has to.
We finish eating, and I go outside. I look up to the sky and wonder which of the stars picked me; which one fell? I spread my arms wide, do a little dance, and then stutter step.
I used to do that in the rain.
I don’t know how I remember.
I frown and look down at my skin, the stardust reflects the sky like water on my skin, like a Christmas lotion you buy at the store, but it feels warm.
“Stay safe, god of the sky,” I murmur.
“A gift,” a voice whispers. Stars shine down on me so bright I can barely breathe; I fall to my knees as visions appear in my mind.
“Safe from who?” Horus laughs and chases me through the forest. “You’re going too slow.”
“Foxes are never slow!” I yell over my shoulder only to run into something warm and complex.
Horus picks me up, twirls me in the air, and then presses me against the nearest tree. “See? Slow.”
“Kiss me.” My breathless words are part demand, part entreaty.
“Is that allowed? For the loser to get a gift?”
I laugh, and my heart swells. I feel like I’m floating off the ground. Things are happier with him; I’ve been so alone, so isolated. The Watcher has left his post, and I have nothing but these moments with Horus and a dark foreboding that something else is present in the forest, ready to devour. I thrust the apprehensive perception away.
“Just one?” I tease.
He’s beautiful; his golden hair falls past his shoulders, and his blue eyes only see me. Full lips descend and capture mine in a tender kiss. I want more. I wrap my arms around his neck.
He gasps in my mouth. “You tempt me.”
“Good.” I nip at his neck with my teeth. “Allow it.”
“Allowed.” He groans as my tiny bites find their way down his neck. I tug at his blue tunic and toss it to the ground, leaving it dangling at his hips; his chest is gloriously naked, and the tattoo around his eye seems darker as an even darker constellation of tattoos appear across his chest and stomach.
“Where’s mine?” I point at his chest.
He swallows slowly. “Shall I find it for you?”
“One day.” I smile, knowing that it may not be there, my star, my constellation; we’ve been in darkness for a while. I don’t want to talk about sad things. “But today, can I just have you?”
“Isn’t it past your curfew?”
I smack him on the chest. “Are you my guardian then?”
He makes a face. “I’m not that old.”
“And I’m young?”
“Younger than me.” His eyebrows arch as he looks around me. “Nice ninth tail. So what then, you’re a little over a thousand years old?”
“Mature for my age, don’t you think?”
“So mature,” he agrees and pulls me down into the grass. We tumble over and over until he’s on top of me.
My heart wants to join the song of the heavens. For this godlike creature is mine. He’s mine.
“I have never in my existence hated my duty to the world more than I do in this moment.”
My breath catches. “Why?”
“Because I want all of your seconds. I want your minutes. Your hours. Your days. I covet them, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have enough time to earn them.”
“And if I give them to you?”
“What is sacrifice when it’s unequal?” He smiles down at me. “Let me take a few more minutes though, just a few before I have to leave again.”
I nod and meet him for a kiss. He tears open my tunic and reaches for my breasts while his mouth latches onto mine. His lips are always so soft yet unyielding, his hands massive as they cover my body, touching, exploring like he’s studying everything that makes me alive.
His hand slides between my thighs.
I almost kick at him in shock. Never has anyone dared such intimacy with me. I open my eyes wide, torn—should I push him away? Demand he stop? Do I want to call a halt to things?
His mouth is still moving against mine, and so is one hand. With his other hand, he laces our fingers together and holds my arm down in the grass. I’ve never felt sensations like this before. Explosions like stars being born out of the darkness build around me as he touches every sensitive part of me.
Is this love?
I buck against his hand. He answers by pinning me against the grass and kissing me harder, pushing his tongue past my lips and brushing it against mine. He flicks a finger, deeper, deeper, ever deeper, as stars shoot above us. And I swear they’re inside me too, as I fall under his spell.
“You will always be mine, Kitsune. If you get lost—look to the stars.”
So I do.
I look away from him and up to the stars while my body explodes around his hand, while I feel lust and love for the first time and know I’ve been changed, and when he kisses me again and tucks my tunic back around me, I know. Even if my star is gone, I’ll be okay.
Because I have the sky.
I choke on a breath and fall to the grass, and look up. I’m back at the house. I hear laughter. My face is wet with tears.
I remember that moment.
The stars.
More promises.
Slowly, I rise to my feet. And I walk alone to the house, realizing sadly that many times I’ve been with him—but I’ve also been without him, and this is just a repeat of those times.
I force a smile. And walk into the kitchen.
The girls are busy drinking wine, talking about kids and family things. Meanwhile, the guy who claims to love me, to know me, is going into a place where he no longer has anything.
And yet he left me a gift.
Stars don’t just fall, do they? I gaze upward one last time before opening the door.
No, stars don’t just fall; they soar across the sky, lighting it up like Christmas. I smile as we walk back into the giant mansion. Men are on either side of the door looking more FBI than paranormal. I ignore the fact that the door opens on its own without anyone touching it, only to close behind us with finality.
This is where I’ll stay until Horus comes back.
Because he will come back.
I have to believe it.
The girls, the wives, whatever you want to call them, are all waiting for me in the kitchen. Genesis is making cookies. Hope is feeding Genesis’s kids. Kyra, half-Greek Goddess that she is, is looking at me with pity.
Mason’s wife is currently pouring wine like we’re facing the apocalypse.
And I know. I just know they’re doing everything in their power to make me feel better, but their looks aren’t helping.
“It’s going to be fine,” Genesis finally says, washing her hands. “It always is.”
Stephanie walks into the room. “Of course, it will be. Cassius says it will be, so it will. He’s, um…” She tucks her dark hair behind her ears. “He’s at the gates right now. Horus.”
“Has he gone in?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “He has to go in blind; he can’t use his powers. The Abyss pulls your essence. That’s why the four unnamed haven’t been able to escape.” She draws in a long breath. “There is nothing there that can save you.”
“So, how will he break free?” I ask.
"He isn’t imprisoned,” Kyra explains. “He’s visiting, so now we just pray that he brought something worth exchanging.”
I freeze. “What?”
"You can’t leave without a sacrifice,” Hope whispers softly. I can tell she wants to reach for my hand, to comfort me. Instead, she keeps her hands at her sides, but her eyes say it all. “You must sacrifice for information, but also in order to gain back what you’ve lost, he has to lose too.”
I stumble into a chair. “Why? Why would he do that for me?”
Genesis speaks first, coming over to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Don’t you see? How can’t you? He’s known you in past lives; he loves you more than you’ll ever understand. How could he not? That should be what you’re asking.”
I shake my head. “I only remember fragments.”
I leave out the sexy one I just saw, and even then, my chest clenches. Who am I to deserve that sort of sacrifice?
“Exactly just like him, he wants to know more, and he’s willing to sacrifice everything for it. For you.,” Stephanie says. “Why else would he go? You’re not human, and you’ve been suffering, and for whatever reason, he thinks it’s his fault, so let him help and know that in the end, all we have control over is waiting until the results happen, waiting until it’s finished.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Does it always have a happy ending?”
The room falls silent.
"Okay.” I nod. I draw in a deep breath. “Okay.”
"Ladies?” Timber waltzes into the room. “Okay, bad timing, but I thought we could watch a movie while we wait?”
"How long will it take?”
Cassius walks in past Timber, grabs a bottle of wine, and starts to open it. “It could be minutes; it could be an eternity. Pray it’s minutes because if he’s stuck longer…” He checks the clock. “…then that is his new existence.”
"No longer god of the skies.” Timber curses. “But god of the Abyss.”
Genesis releases a long sigh. “I think we could have been a bit more encouraging with that speech, guys."
"Sorry,” they mumble in unison just as Ethan walks in.
He glances around the room. “What did I miss?”
She waves him off. “Put on a movie.”
"No more Disney!” Mason yells from somewhere in the house. “It makes me sad!”
Alex starts arguing with him about why it should be the Disney special because of Christmas, and chaos ensues.
One by one and two by two, the group starts smiling and laughing.
Tarek tosses a pillow off the sofa at Alex, striking him in the back of his head. When Alex picks up the soft projectile and heaves it back, it catches Kyra in the chest.
Kyra grabs a different pillow and hurls it at Tarek, who quickly steps back. The pillow arcs through the air and lands on the nearly empty bowl of mashed potatoes Hope is carrying into the kitchen. She squeals and dumps what’s left in the bowl over Alex’s head…
As the roughhousing continues, I slip away and walk over to the window. Leaning my head against the cool glass, I gaze up at the stars.
"Please make it, Horus,” I whisper.
A hand clasps my shoulder. “If anyone can, it’s him.”
I glance over at Timber. “You look too normal to be the god of the underworld.”
He barks out a laugh and then shifts into his godlike form, making me so freaked out I nearly pass out on the spot. His head is a black jackal with eyes fiercely yellow, fangs huge.
"I take it back,” I finally say.
“Most do.” In a blink, he’s back to his normal self, and he winks. “Now, let’s trust my brother and go drive Alex crazy with more Disney. His least favorite is Up because he cries. I may have already pressed play.”
I smile. “You guys are weird.”
“Nah, we’re just family.”