Chloe
I made it all the way to the end of the hallway before I really started to cry. Big, heaving sobs that had me blinded by tears and I wished I could bring myself to go back to his apartment, to tell him I was sorry and that I overreacted. Instead, I forced myself to go to the lobby and find a flight. The woman at the desk took one look at me and immediately brought me back into a sort of lounge area near the property manager’s office, away from the front doors and any tenants.
They doted on me, bringing me water and constantly poking their head in to check on me. They probably thought I had gotten into a physical altercation, but no one asked. I didn’t believe Alex was capable of something like that, he didn’t even want to get close to me upstairs.
If he had of just reached out for me, maybe I would still be up there. Maybe this could have just been one of little bickering sessions. We’d had quite a few of those since I’d started trying to get him to open up.
I wiped my cheeks again as the tears kept coming, soaking into the collar of my shirt. I wanted to be back on the dancefloor together, feeling him spin me around effortlessly. Take me back to the night before, I prayed as I covered my face, give me a second chance to do this right.
***
I’d gotten on the first flight home and immediately locked myself inside, away from the world and ignored everything around me. Jaz called, we talked but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about Alex. I didn’t want to admit that she’d been right and I wasn’t prepared for this type of relationship. Why couldn’t tell me anything? Not even their names! What if he isn’t even getting divorced? The thought had haunted me the entire trip home. I didn’t want to be the other woman.
I huffed and jerked the blanket up over my head. I just wanted to disappear.
The sun had begun to rise again and I heard dad and Dima horsing around in the hallway just outside my door. I’d never wanted so badly to move out in my entire life as I did then. And Mama was getting annoyed with me moping around the house. Her annoyance was only amplified by the fact that I wasn’t making an effort to help out at the moment.
“Chloe Ann!”
I groaned and hid my face in the pillow. “Go away,” I mumbled into it.
Mama was not having it today and started banging on my door. “Privacy is a privilege not a right,” she called to me. “So you can open the door or I’ll take it off the hinges, you choose.”
I huffed and got up, letting my blankets fall on the floor as I stumbled to the door. “I’m up,” I told her, jerking the door open. “What?”
She glared back at me. “You don’t have a lot of responsibilities in this house, all I’m asking for is that you do the dishes after dinner. When I wake up and find a sink full of dishes, I’m not going to be happy about it.”
Shit. “Give me a minute, I’ll do them now.”
“Thank you.”
I pushed past her and jogged down the stairs, noting Dima sitting at the coffee table eating cereal. Somehow the world kept turning even though it felt like mine had ended. I swallowed and grabbed the purple scrub-brush, getting to work immediately on the pans.
Alex hadn’t called, texted, or emailed. Now I was beginning to wonder how long a carrier pigeon might take. I’d typed out at least a dozen texts, all deleted and never sent, I’d dialled his number and then stopped the call before it even had a chance to ring. I felt like an idiot. I didn’t know how to tell him that I overreacted, that I wanted to try our arrangement again, and that I missed him. I missed his morning texts, waking up next to him, the feeling of his hand gently taking mine…
But he didn’t have any reason to take me back, he could get another companion in a heartbeat.
I wanted to tell him the truth, that I loved him and I didn’t think he could or would love me until he let go of the boundaries and let me in. I’d let down my walls, I’d given him every piece of me that I could. Why wouldn’t he do the same?
I scrubbed harder at the baking sheet in my hand while tears welled up and threatened to spill again. Two weeks, two whole fucking weeks and both of us were too stubborn to call. I refused to believe that he didn’t want to call me, that he was done, that wasn’t possible. It just wasn’t.
“Alright, gentle with that,” mama scolded, taking the pan. “My bakeware isn’t meant for you to take your aggression out on.”
“I’m sorry…”
She sighed and patted my shoulder. “Don’t be sorry, koritsi mou.”
The first tear slipped down my cheek and the rest weren’t far behind. I wiped my face frantically, trying not to cry in front of her. It was too late, I knew she could see me and now I could only hope that Dimitris didn’t come and find me like this.
“Chloe?” She touched my arm. “What’s wrong sweetheart, why are you crying?”
I shook my head and sniffled. “I’m fine, I’m just tired.”
“I know the difference between you being tired and being upset. Tell me what’s wrong.”
I protested again, shaking my head but she wouldn’t accept it and reached over to turn the taps off.
“Dimitris, Chloe and I just running to the garage for a minute,” she called to my brother. “Papa is upstairs.” With that, she pulled me out the side door into the garage and away little ears. She held me at arms-length and assessed me closely, her mouth pursed and her brows knitted together in confusion. “Alright, now tell me what’s got you so upset. If it’s that job—”
“It’s not the job,” I choked out. “I did something stupid and now I regret it…”
Mama pulled me into her arms without another word, her love covering me like a warm blanket. I hugged her back and cried openly into her shoulder. It felt good to get it out, it felt nice to finally admit out loud that I had fucked up. I just wished it was Alex that I was holding instead.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” she whispered while petting my hair. “But I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I nodded and wiped my nose shakily. “I thought it was the right time,” I told her. “I thought he was—” I broke off, overcome by another flood of regret.
“It happens,” she assured me. “And it’s okay if he wasn’t. It’s not the end of the world, no one is going to judge you here.”
It felt like the end of the world. I’d given him the pieces of me that meant the most, hoping he would reciprocate while knowing full well that he didn’t want that. I just wanted more. I wanted to know that he loved me back. And all I’d done was act like a brat when he didn’t give me what I wanted.
Mama understood. For whatever grief I gave her about harping on me or annoying me, she always understood and she was always there to help hold me together. Even now, she held me while I cried and didn’t ask me anymore questions, she just firmly rubbed my back and promised me that it would be okay, even if it didn’t feel like it.
“Go back to bed for a bit,” she urged me. “And take a shower while you’re up there, you’re starting to smell bad.”
“That doesn’t help,” I mumbled against her.
“It will when you shower, it’ll make you feel better.” She pulled away and gave me a once over, her gaze sweeping over me critically. “Dad and I are going to visit Aunt Lacy tonight, I was hoping to bring you and Dima, but I’m guessing you’d rather stay here.”
I nodded and wiped my damp cheek.
“Alright, then go lay back down for now. You still have to do the dishes, but you don’t have to do them right this minute.” Mama pulled me in to give me a kiss on the cheek. “Get going, I’ll check on you later.”
“Thank you, mama,” I whispered as I hugged her tight again.
She shooed me out of the garage and I practically ran straight for my bed, crawling directly under the covers and hiding there.
The forget-me-not earrings laid on my sheets, I traced the gems with my fingers, revelling in the soft, silky feeling. Over my bed, the moonflower vine was spread across the windowsill and dipped down over my headboard. Alex hadn’t known that I had a bit of green thumb yet when he gifted me the earrings, not until later in the trip when I showed him the pictures of all my plants.
In a cute pink box in my bedside drawer was some more jewellery that he’d given me, a necklace, a pair of earrings, and a matching bracelet. I’d almost hyper ventilated when he showed them to me, and I felt like the most elegant person at the party while I was wearing them. He claimed it was just for the party that he gave them to me, to help me fit in among the wealthy politicians and dignitaries, but I think he still went overboard just because he felt like it.
I sniffled and looked down at my simple tennis bracelet, the little diamonds glittering even in the subdued light. I didn’t feel like I deserved these gifts anymore, not after that temper tantrum.
I just…wanted more. I wanted to feel like he meant what he said, that I was his and that being with him meant something special. I wanted him to love me back, even if I didn’t understand what that meant yet. I could understand, I could grow into the person that he would love.
Turning away, I set the earring on the nightstand and pulled the blanket around me in a protective cocoon.
Sleep didn’t come, no matter how much I wished it would, I just laid there listening to the noise around the house while staring at my orchids. Dimitris cried when he fell down some stairs, dad calling for mom because he couldn’t find something, mama trying to round them both up and get on the highway to go see dad’s sister. Everything blended into each other, becoming background noise that made me feel marginally more normal.
I eventually picked myself up and got in the shower where I spent far too long leaning against the wall. If I closed my eyes, I could almost feel Alex’s hands on me, his mouth against the shell of my ear, his palms sliding up my side, pushing my arms above my head. My tears blended into the water and when I opened my eyes I was able to pretend that I wasn’t crying over him again. I didn’t even let Nate go that far, and we dated for two years. Not that he was a stellar boyfriend or anything, but I was with him for so much longer and I didn’t feel half of what I felt for Alex for him. I didn’t even cry when Nate dumped my ass and yet here I was…
Reluctantly, I turned the water off and stepped out into the cold bathroom. Steam warmed the air and covered the mirror, I wiped it away to see myself standing there in the blue towel, staring blankly at my reflection. My hair hung in dark almost brown tendrils that stuck to my skin in the most unflattering way, but the most uncomfortable thing was seeing the way the baby fat around my face was melting away to reveal a sharper jawline, my neck was similar, developing a more prominent dip between my collarbones. I didn’t look like I could be mistaken for fifteen anymore.
I glanced down at the counter that was covered in pieces of makeup, a ratty hairbrush, some old rings, and a smattering neon-colored bobby pins. On floor I still had a pile of laundry that was growing bigger by the day. I looked back up again and turned away from my reflection quickly. I was getting older, that nebulous thing that I had been dying for since I was a little kid, but I wasn’t acting like it.
I changed into my pajamas while still avoiding the mirror and went back to my bedroom. I needed to clean my act up, even just a little bit, so I grabbed the sheets and striped the bed, tossing it all in the wash. It felt good, I felt a little more human again. I even turned on the stereo and went to park myself in the backyard with Jaz’s left-over stale weed.
I sat on the deck, watching the trees shift with the breeze and listening to the distant barking of some neighbor’s dog. The joint in my hand burned slowly, the smoke curling up lazily toward the sky while I stared off into the distance. I had to wonder if things would be different with Alex if I was older, if I’d been in a relationship with more than two guys. At the same time, I knew that sort of thinking didn’t mesh with reality, because Alex had set it flat out – we weren’t in a romantic relationship. No matter how badly I wanted that to justify having sex with him.
I need to grow up, I thought to myself as I took a pull off the joint, not just for him, for me too. People weren’t going to put up with me acting like a kid forever, they would eventually expect me to be better than that. I mean, even my mom had to fight with me about getting a job.
Taking a deep breath, I pulled my phone out and scrolled through the calendar. In one year, I’ll go to Greece and work at the store. I marked it for July, giving myself some leeway, and then scrolled to the next year. Then I’ll go back to school. I didn’t think I would go back for journalism, but I would still go back no matter what. Finally, I went back to the current date and stared at it for a moment before opening up the contacts. Alex’s name glowed like a beacon on the screen, calling to me and urging me to tap it.
If I apologized, would he accept it?
I took another hit before stubbing it out and tossing it into the planter full of water. I wasn’t ready to let him go, not this soon, not when we worked together so much better than I’d ever expected.