Chloe
When Alex said we were staying in a “cabin,” I imagined something from one of my camp days with an elaborate ruse of having to cuddle naked for warmth. Maybe this was because I liked holiday romance novels, or it was because I was a complete fucking idiot who didn’t piece together that this man would absolutely not be someone to buy me jewellery that could pay for a down payment but not spring for a nice chateau. Gee, I wonder which of those things it was.
Either way, the rental did fulfil every one of my holiday romance desires. It was log cabin style, from the front it looked like only one floor, but once inside you were standing on a catwalk that looked out over the living room below and the large windows facing the frozen lake. The décor was cozy, warm, done in plaids, worn brown leather, and refurbished driftwood accents. The fireplace was huge, it faced the couches with a roaring fire that I assumed could probably keep the whole house warm. But my favorite thing of all was eight feet tall, stationed beside the fireplace, smelled like pine and was completely undecorated just waiting for us.
I ran to the white fir immediately, entranced by the soft-looking needles and subdued color. Boxes of decorations sat on the dining room table and all I could think about was how nice it be to decorate a tree with Alex. A pang of sadness in my chest reminded me of Dimitris, currently in Greece and this year wouldn’t get to decorate a tree. This was my first Christmas away from my family, and the first time they were on a whole different continent for it to boot. I had to remember to call him, I didn’t want my baby brother to think I was forgetting him.
“Chloe?”
I turned to see Alex coming out of the bedroom, rubbing his eyes. “The tree is beautiful,” I told him excitedly. “Have you seen it?”
He smiled. “I picked it, I’m glad you like it.” His hand touched my hip and he gave me a light peck on the lips. “Do you mind if I lie down for a bit? We can go out for dinner after, I just need to relax for a little while.”
The flight had been killer, I was honestly surprised I didn’t need a nap too. “Oh yeah, I don’t mind,” I said, waving it off. “Why don’t I make us something tonight?”
“No, this is your vacation too, I don’t want you feeling like you have to do work.”
I rolled my eyes and gave his cheek a pat. “Go lay down, I’ll figure out dinner.”
He looked like he was about to argue but something changed in his face and I knew he wouldn’t push the subject. A few minutes later he was stretching out on the couch while I went to take a quick shower. I waited until he drifted off and covered him with one of the lighter throws before heading back to the bathroom.
I stepped into the shower stall, under the warm water and tipped my head back. Almost imperceptible stress melted off me and I was able to pretend that I wasn’t crying, it was just the water.
This wasn’t just Christmas away for the first time, this was Christmas with the man that I knew I was completely in love with beyond all hope of rational thought, and I felt like nothing could have possibly been worse. I wasn’t his girlfriend as he’d reminded me so many times, but I felt like I was. This vacation, this time together, one of the most romantic times of the year and I was expected to play along and then go home and act like none of this even mattered.
How?
How the hell was I supposed to pretend that this wasn’t a major thing for me right now? I would now be spending most of the major holidays with him, including my birthday, and if things continued on I would probably be spending more with him. I loved it, there was no denying that, but with every day we spent together it felt just a little bit harder to agree that he wasn’t my boyfriend. It was only made worse that all I wanted to do was take him home and show him off to my family.
Lena might like him, I thought as I washed my tears away, Mama might once she got over the age thing. Dima liked everyone, and it wasn’t like Dad was around that often to care. I could see myself bringing Alex home and feeling like I wasn’t being overlooked, that like everyone else in the room, I finally had someone who cared. And it felt like a knife to the heart realizing that it wasn’t possible.
Alex wasn’t finished with his divorce, he had a child my age, and I was just a teenager with some repressed daddy issues begging him to pay attention to me because no one else would. I wanted him to love me back, and there were times when it felt like he did and others where I was convinced that I was just going crazy. Even this vacation felt like he was just toying with me, taunting me with the idea that this could be real, but it wasn’t. It couldn’t be.
I sniffled and wiped my nose before taking a deep breath. I had to pull myself together, I had to make it through this because I knew on the other side, I would be grateful not just for the memories of this time together, but also for getting to pretend that this was our real life for a little while.
I turned the water off and stood there for a moment, relaxing in the steam with my eyes shut. My wet hair was plastered to my skin and felt little beads of water rolling off me, dripping quietly onto the tile. When I finally opened my eyes again, I wrapped myself up in one of the fluffy towels and went to put myself back together.
Jazmin and I texted back and forth, I sent her pictures of the snow after I had gotten dressed and she sent me back ones of her long legs stretched out on a lounge chair. She and Zamir had taken a yacht out for their holidays. I had to wonder if she had ever felt the way I did, if these trips and the sex and the dinners ever went to her head too. I didn’t want to ask, it was that same sort of embarrassment you feel when you learn you’ve been saying a word wrong.
Alex was still sound asleep on the sofa when I came out of the bedroom, his arm was over his eyes and his other hand hung down on the floor. I smiled to myself as I passed him and brushed my fingers through his hair. Combined with the snow and the darkening sky, I could have used a nap too and I was more than a little tempted to curl up with him.
Thankfully, the kitchen was fully stocked, along with the bar. I picked through it lazily before settling on tomatoes stuffed with rice and chicken. I wasn’t sure that Alex followed typical fasting rules, but he hadn’t said anything so I hoped he liked it at least.
It was nice just to putter around the kitchen by myself, adjust to my surroundings and begin to relax. I liked cooking, there was something about watching a dish come together that just made me feel satisfied and after a few minutes alone, I quickly fell into familiar patterns. My music played quietly from my phone and I bounced along to the beat easily. Soon enough I was cracking open a bottle of beer that I couldn’t pronounce the name of and dancing by myself while the tomatoes roasted in the large oven.
“Everything now,” I sang along, spinning around. “I need it!”
I giggled and twirled around again, my hair whipped around my shoulders and I stumbled to a stop at the dining room table. Alright, maybe that wasn’t my first beer, but I was on vacation and I deserved to drown my sorrow in ass taste of an icy drink.
The music kept going, I danced and sang along until I was dizzy and several more bottles were left in the recycling bin. Everything seemed brighter, nothing could bring me down—
“This is cute.”
I choked on the drink and craned my neck to see Alex standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, shoulder against the frame. Fuck. How long had I been sitting here? My timer hadn’t gone off yet, so dinner wasn’t finished, but I couldn’t believe I’d lost track of time so easily.
“Hi,” I said, giving a little wave. “Dinner’s almost ready.”
“Are you playing Drunk Housewife?” he asked, slowly sauntering towards me.
Why, yes, I am, and this is the part where you fuck me on the kitchen floor. I set the bottle aside and offered him a sugary smile. “I might be. Are you my husband in this scenario, or the pool guy I fuck on the side?”
He smirked and braced his hands on the back of my chair. God, he had nice hands. Long fingers, gentle veins, and big enough to wrap easily around my wrists, ankle, or neck. Not that he was into choking me, and I doubted I was either, but I did like the sensation of his hand just resting there. Like a warning of what he could do but wouldn’t.
“You go from saving your virginity to fucking the pool boy that easily?” he teased.
“I went from saving my virginity to fucking you pretty easily.”
“We had been seeing each other for over a month.”
“And I had a two-year-long relationship that didn’t get that far.” I did appreciate that he remembered that night so easily though.
He snorted and cupped my chin so that I would look up at him. “Would you really fuck the pool boy instead of me?”
Never. But the thing that caught my attention was that he positioned himself as my husband, not the pool cleaner. Husband. I stared up at him, refusing to look away as he ran his thumb across my bottom lip. Husband. What did that word even mean? Would we have a family? Ohmigod, no, I’m not ready for that. I could barely handle Dima on a bad day, I wasn’t ready for a real, actual baby. And a wedding? Maybe in the church?
Why was I even thinking about this?
“Are you alright?” Alex asked, frowning. “You look upset…”
No, I just realized that I was about to have an existential crisis over a baby I’m not even having with you, the man who refuses to call himself my boyfriend. Somehow I didn’t think he wanted to hear that. “Can I not just be emotional once in a while?” I asked, trying to avoid the question.
He groaned and pulled away. “As if you aren’t emotional the rest of the time.”
“Hey!”
He laughed and continued over to the oven, pulling it open to check on the food. “This smells wonderful, glykia mou.”
“Thanks, I made it with the pool boy since my husband is never home.”
Alex turned back to me and braced himself on the counter. “I’m going to need a word with him one of these days,” he replied dryly.
I giggled and got up, making my way across the room, I came to lean across the island from him. I held out my hand and he took it in his. “I like this game.”
“I can see that.” He turned my hand over and brushed his fingers lightly over my palm. “I don’t mind playing it while we’re here, if that’s what you want.”
Playing house had never sounded so good, and whether it was because I had lost my mind with desire or because I was truly in love with him, I said yes. “I would like that.” My voice was barely a whisper and I was too scared to look up at him.
Alex laced our fingers together and I gazed at them hopefully. Maybe this would be the opening that we needed and he would let this continue to grow. I just hoped that it could be more, I still wasn’t ready to let go, and honestly, I didn’t think I ever would be.