Louisa's POV
I was speechless.
Gianna didn't ask me if I had seduced Lucian.
She asked why.
The truth was, I didn't know why.
I knew he had a mate from the first day I met him, but I just couldn't stop myself from wanting to be with him.
He was everything that Lucas wasn't and that was why he was everything that I had wanted.
I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't control my feelings.
I didn't want to take Lucian away from Gianna.
I just wanted him to spare some love and tenderness for me.
Even just a little bit.
But I obviously couldn't tell Gianna this. That was why I was silent.
Gianna looked at me and I could tell that a storm was impending in her eyes.
I knew I had to say something to make her calm down.
She was pregnant.
It was dangerous to let a pregnant lady stay mad like this.
So I said sincerely, "Gianna, could you please take your seat, and then I'll explain everything to you. I don't expect you to understand me, because I can't understand myself, either. But at least, you deserve an explanation and an apology."
Gianna took a glance at me and eventually sat down on the chair.
She looked exhausted.
"Can I make you some chamomile tea?" I asked.
She didn't say no.
I took up the tea kettle, poured some tea into a cup, and handed it to her.
She didn't drink the tea but held the cup tightly in her hands.
I sat next to her and said, "I haven't done anything with Lucian. He has always been loyal to you. He's a noble man and he doesn't compromise on things like this."
Gianna looked a bit relieved.
"It's all my fault. I admit it. I don't know why I did what I've done. I didn't want to lure him to bed or anything. I swear that isn't something I want from him. I just want to... be with him," I whispered.
"But he's my husband. He's my mate," Gianna looked at me and said.
"I know. I shouldn't have done it. That's why I want to apologize to you," I looked at Gianna and said.
Gianna stared at me and sighed. I could see sparkling tears in her eyes.
She put the teacup on the table and held my hands.
"Louisa," she said. "I know we've just met and we shouldn't have this kind of conversation, but I would like you to know that I really appreciate your honesty. I love Lucian very much. He's my best friend, my husband, and the father of my son. I know you want to have a powerful and kind male figure in your life, but that person can't be Lucian."
I lowered my head and said, "I know. When I was in my father's tribe, people used to think that I was retarded and bullied me all the time. At that time, I would pray to the Moon Goddess to let my mate take me away from my father's tribe. And one day, a tall, strong, and gorgeous man showed up in my father's stable. Like a force of nature, he protected me. I thought I had got what I had prayed for and I was confused."
Tears started to blur my views.
Gianna took a box of tissues and handed it to me.
I wiped my tears off and blew my nose. Then, I continued, "After that, I was taken to this place. I was all by myself and terrified because Lucas wanted to kill me. I thought if I could be able to persuade Lucian, he might be able to help me. I had some Shaman's pearls, a potion box, and myself. That was it. Lucian didn't need money and he wasn't sick, so I had nothing else to persuade him except myself. I feel ashamed and remorseful about it, but at that time, it was the only thing that I could do to save my life. I didn't want to die, Gianna. I mean, the world is so big. I have never been anywhere. I have never lived. I have never met someone that I truly love..."
Words slipped through my mouth and I was shocked by my own revelation.
I have never met someone that I truly love.
Why did I say something like that? I'm in love with Lucas... or...
Am I?
I thought to myself and tears kept dropping down on my lap.
If I really loved him, why would I kiss Zackery the other night? Why would I spend the night with Darren in the cell? Why would I keep having some impossible fantasy about Lucian?
I was told that I should love Lucas by my wolf.
I was encouraged to earn Lucas' love by Lucian.
I was forced to admit that I love Lucas by Lucas himself.
But what about me?
What about my own feelings?
I've kept asking myself why everything has been this hard for me.
What if it's because I've been asking for the wrong thing all this time?
What if I don't have to be bound by the belief and practice of the mating system in the first place?
What if...
What if I don't need a mate to survive in this world?
What if I can survive on my own? By myself?
What if, for once in my life, my life is about me, and everything else is an extra, not a must?
What if I was born free and should remain to be free?
My mind started to race so fast that I couldn't even take a breath.
That's why Lucas would always force me to tell him that I loved him and I would never ever leave him.
That's why Lucian always looked so sad when he looked at me.
He had removed the chain on my neck long ago, but he knew it didn't mean I was freed.
That's why Darren would risk everything to take me away.
He wanted me to be me, not someone's mate.
"Louisa, are you alright?" I heard Gianna's voice.
I lifted my head to take a deep breath, like a person who was drowning.
My mouth felt dry, so I took the cup of tea from the table and gobbled it down.
Then, I tried to put the teacup back on the table. But the next thing I realized was that I couldn't do it because my hands were trembling so much.
The teacup dropped to the floor and smashed into pieces.
Gianna supported my arms and said, "Louisa, do you need to lie down or something?"
I shook my head and tried to stand up, but I felt lightheaded and I couldn't feel my legs.
I fell heavily down to the floor.
"Guards! Come inside! She's passing out!" I heard Gianna's panicked voice.
Then, I passed out.