Lucianna’s POV
Jacob drove in silence. He just followed the directions I’m pointing to, and my hand is the only one to communicate because I am as silent as him.
I know what he wanted. I know what words he wanted his mouth to utter and I know, he is trying his best not to say it.
Jacob wants me to be with him, to stay with him and to go with him.
To Shadow pack.
To home.
Now.
And I think the only thing which stopping him to drag me away from this land is because I wanted to go back to Mual’s.
“There. The brown house in the middle.” I finally said, and he finally looked at me after an almost ten-minute drive.
There was no expression in his face and I think its because of our bond, or maybe its because I’ve known him enough that I can interpret his emotions.
Just by looking at his eyes. And the feeling is no longer weird to me
The car stopped. My eyes are still looking upfront but my senses are heightened for him.
I can feel Jacob’s every move as if I’m looking right at him. He sighed after five seconds, turned off the engine after another five and then sighed again after another.
I don’t know why and what I am waiting though. My first instinct tells me to get out of the car and invite him inside the house. The rest of my mind says I should thank him because I haven’t.
“Thank you for having my back earlier.” I whispered in the lowest voice my mouth had ever utter. “No one would’ve vote to disqualify Harlow if you weren’t there to take my side.”
What I said is true. The majority of the audience are residents of Chequer, guests from other region and packs are in minimal and most of them are fighters. Guests with rank includes Jacob, Harley, Brent and four more other beta from another pack who only attended as their fighter’s support.
In my surprise, Jacob let out a chuckle. A low, full of sarcasm, chuckle. It made my head turn to him and my forehead formed a frown.
“Take your side.” he repeated and it’s much more filled with sarcasm or a mocking. He said it in a way that also says ‘are you serious?’, and something started to flow from his emotion to mine.
He feels deeply sad, dismayed and anger. The emotions seems to slip out without his consent because it was gone in a second the same time he let out a sigh. Then he looked at me.
His eyes are not soft, but its not angry. I don’t even know if there’s any feelings behind those deep charcoal eyes.
“I didn’t take your side. I saved you, Lucianna!” his voice raised, not a yell, but enough to make me jump on my seat. “You were about to die. Right in front of my eyes! And all you think is I take your damn side?” he closed his eyes shut and tilted his head in disappointment. “I can’t believe you.”
Jacob hastily opened his car door, moved out of the car and slammed the door shut. My breath hitched and I closed my eyes as the slamming sound echoed in my ears.
Damn it. Wrong words, Lucianna.
I am thankful, all right? I know he didn’t gave a damn about the rules. Not at all. He cares about me, but I’m too scared to admit that he do things for me. I am scared to acknowledge that he is always there for me, in all miseries! I know that accepting this truth will make me crawl over him because I’m too grateful!
And I can’t crawl to him! Not yet, at least! Not until I heard some news from Fhoxia, but I can’t control myself! Days and days and I feel myself succumbing to the thought to care about nothing, to just be with him!
My own feelings, my own thoughts is what scares me!
I got out of his car in the same manner that he got out of it, slamming the door shut. Jacob was pacing back and forth but stopped when he heard me got out of his car. He stroked his hands to his face and I watch his back.
“Jacob.” I called. We both fell silent and I watched his shoulders continuously moving because of heaved breaths.
I think he waited for me to speak, proceed with what I wanted to say but I don’t know what words to add. I don’t know which words are right and I feared to say the wrong words because I can see him losing control.
So instead, I just said: “Thank you for saving me.”
My words earned a sigh, a deep, heavy sigh. From the sound of it, I know that what I said didn’t helped at all. Probably, even adds fuel to whatever is eating him now.
I sighed and decided to come to him, more closer because I feel like he’s so far. And I hated the feeling. Ironic, because all I did these days is to stay away.
“I’m sorry…” I whisper.
Just when I took two steps forward, my feet halted because he suddenly turned to me. His eyes are red, his alpha blood taking over, and I don’t know why. It was only for a brief second because it turned back to black.
“Do you know how I felt back there?” he said, the tone of his voice is still two level higher as he points to where we left. “In a split second, I saw my whole life crushing in my front of me. She’ll be hit, she can’t be hit, she’ll die, she can’t die, I can’t lose her! Those words! In my head! Over and over again, Lucianna!”
The fear mixed with sadness are portrayed in his voice. And it hurts to hear. I never had anyone care about me but him and even though I know that in essence, hearing his thoughts about it is different.
My eyes watered and he became blurry in my eyes as tears started to pour.
“I-I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. All my head has was to save Kiara. I’m--” I trailed, I don’t know what to say. I’m engrossed with the amount of love I can feel, its gushing out of my chest, making a lump in my throat.
Jacob hissed and tilted his head up. I can see him closing his eyes shut before he looked right back at me again. This time, with softened eyes, no hint of anger and a light dab of fear left.
He walked to me with two huge steps and crashed me inside his chest. He locked me in a tight embrace like I’ll banish into thin air and he’s stopping that to happen.
My tears continues to roll down my cheeks, crying silently when I felt his hug comforts me. Being inside his arms feels so much like home, and I was shock to even think about that when I never once remember what home feels like.
“Were you scared?” he asks in a low, soft, tone.
I cried hard from that, nodding my head furiously because I am. I am scared. I just faced a life-changing harm or worst death but I only felt it now that he asked. I’ve must be numbed from the shock and all, but my walls just melted from his embrace.
He hushed me softly, hugged me even tighter, and caress the top of my head.
“I’m here. I’m here now.” he whispers and it soothes me. His words also feels like he’s making himself believe that we’re finally together again.
And I feel it all.
**
“Do you want something to drink?” I whispers. My head is on his chest now while we sat in Mual’s couch. His chin is on top of mine while I enjoy the steady sound the beats of his heart.
“Hmm, are you fine now?” he asks in the most soothing voice he can.
I just finished crying a few minutes ago. Jacob carried me inside Mual’s house while I cried in his chest. How we end up in a spooning position in the couch is somehow what I forget.
“Yeah.” I whispers the same. Now, I feel embarrassed for crying like that. I can’t recall myself crying because of fear of anything but now. It’s a bit new, and I can tell I’m not used to it. “I’m craving to have some coffee, do you want a cup for yourself?”
My palm on his chest pushed myself up and our eyes met. One of his arm is around my waist, loosened enough that I can move. His other hand is up his face, where his thumb grazes his lower lip. My eyes stayed there.
“This may sound inauspicious but I think I don’t want you to be fine so I can have you in my arms without your complains.” he grins.
I rolled my eyes.
“Shut up.” I bit my lip to suppress a smile.
His hand from his face went to his temple as he rested his head on the knuckles of his closed fist so he could have a better look of me. His loosened arm around my waist is still there, but started to have a bit of force. Now, its moving in a slow up and down by the curves of my waist. As if, he is trying to memorize its shape.
I stay stilled. Unable to move.
His eyes didn’t left mine and I can’t take mine off of his, too. The way he looks at me send a message that I can’t decode. Not that I can’t, but because his eyes screams a lot of emotion.
Longing. Contentment. Happiness. Sadness. Fear. Then, longing again, I guess.
No.
Desire.
I was burned by his gaze so I looked away from his eyes and stared at my hand on his chest. There was a question in my head of why my hand stays there so I wanted to pull it away.
But when I try to, I felt like no muscle in my arms are present causing for my hands to slowly travelled down from his chest to his navel.
Jacob groaned louder than he intended. He moved, leaning towards me without breaking our gaze. I gulped with the assumption that he will kiss me but he stopped when his lips are a few centimeters away.
He groaned again like he regretted why he stopped. Oh, god, I want to groan my protest, as well.
Biting my lip, I looked at his. His red lively lips that urges for me to kiss it. But I can’t, I’m afraid to initiate because I feel like it is what Jacob is waiting for.
“C-Coffee?” I asked to distract us but I didn’t move at all. I just looked at his eyes and its already waiting for mine.
He inhaled, a careful inhalation like he’s scared that I’ll be drawn. He shook his head after, in a slow move. Our eyes are still gawking into each other’s soul.
I don’t know what else to ask, or what to do. I’m not sure if I’m just immobile or its my heart’s deepest request not to move away. I love being near him. So much, right now.
Jacob is the first one to move. He dropped his head into the crevice between my neck and shoulder, inhaling my scent, filling his lungs of it and I did the same. Secretly.
“Why did you leave?” he asked. The question dragged all my awakening worldly thoughts out of my system. “Is it really because you don’t want to be with me? You hate me? Loathed?”
I sighed shakily. “Jacob…”
“I have a lot of questions.” he wrapped his arms around my waist, both of it. “I’m dying to know a lot of things, for all my questions to be answered.”
He is asking, no, begging for answers but I can’t find myself giving the truth to him even when I already entertained the thought to be honest about it earlier.
The fear is eating me whole. Fhoxia’s words kept ringing in my head whenever I thought about telling him, I’m afraid the darkness he has somewhere inside will grow like what she said. But a part of me believes he won’t.
I’m so confused.
Jacob sighed heavily this time. He knows I won’t say a word, he think I won’t. And that’s maybe why he let me go and stood on his feet.
I grabbed his hand back, the friction of our skin touching made my hairs rose like its the first time that I get to touch him.
Jacob froze and looked at my hand holding his before looking at my eyes.
“I told you I will talk to you.” I said. “And I will. I just can’t find the right words to answer all your questions.”
What I said is true. I am not sure if its okay to tell him, I don’t know what outcome lies for us. All my head hopes for is a positive result, at least. But can’t see if its possible for us right now.
He looked at me, studying my face, my expression.
“Is there something you can’t talk to me about?” he asked softly. No, carefully.
He can feel it, and I know in the back of his head that he knew something is wrong, something is not in line, something is happening but not supposed to.
I nod my head, “Yes.”
Jacob sighed.
“Are my questions gonna be granted answers?” he asked again, slowly turning to face me. I was still seated while looking up to him to meet his eyes.
“I’m thinking about it. I don’t think I should but…” I can’t add any word that my lips formed a tight flat line.
Jacob’s eyes softened, he held my hand properly, enclosing my palms with his, tangling our fingers locked.
He pulled me up and I let him. One of his hand went on the lower of my back.
“Did you really want to leave? Or am I right that you just had to? Answer at least that, baby. Please.”
My heart feels like a heavy brick slammed into it because of his voice. It almost cracked, but he is trying to pull his broken pieces back together. It hurts me.
“You are right.” I said in a whisper. I can say that, at least.
He inhaled but midway, he pulled me to him closer and I found our lips locked next.