Chapter 34: Two Years of Emotional Unavailability

Aziz:

Almost two years to the day that changed everyone’s lives. Specifically, Alastair…and not for the better.

My counterpart had become a robot since the death of our pup. None of us changed particularly for the better, but Alastair was definitely the worst.

After the loss of Valene, we immediately went for a four-day run. It wasn’t intentional but instinctual. We kept running and running until we could run no longer. It was then that we finally realized what we had done in leaving the pack and our town…our people.

Alastair wanted to run back home on his own accord, but I insisted that we did not. Grief-stricken and having been nearly five days without food or water, it wouldn’t be too much longer before I’d turn feral, and him along with me.

I’d tried to convince him to get a hotel somewhere until Toran or Minken showed up to drive us back home. He wouldn’t. Somehow, my counterpart felt comfort in being in my skin versus his. So, we found solace in the Hiyalite Canyon, Montana’s Gallatin National forest.

We simply lay there against the earth and slept until Toran found us. It was only then that Alastair released me from my form and returned to his own. I believed that if he were able to just walk in my skin the whole way home, he would have.

Alastair, for the most part, had shut me out of his mind and emotions. He did this often when both were running high without restraint. Oftentimes, I fear that he does not trust in me enough to help him bear them. Still, I knew that he was glad that Toran decided not to take a flight to Montana. He knew that the path back home needed to be a slow one. Returning to the scene of so many memories of one just lost would be hard for anyone. Especially, someone who wasn’t allowed to display weakness.

Toran knew that Alastair could not speak and so when he did try to broach conversation, he addressed me but even then it was rare. He knew that I was suffering as well.

Our return to Shadow Veil was as dreary as we thought it would be. It was raining that evening, cold and wet. And neither I nor Alastair had the stomach to go to the packhouse but we knew that we had to. We had to address everything that had happened. We had to make certain that everyone would be prepared for whatever came next. But after, both Alastair and myself knew that the best place for us to be at that time was alone, at the Wade Manor. That would be our next destination.

Once we entered the house, Harlyn ran into our arms, her heart seemingly broken as she wept.

“Why did you leave?” I recalled her saying. “Why did you leave me?”

I shouldn’t have left Harlyn the way that I did. For better or worse she had gone through a traumatic event as well. However, another part of me-another part of Alastair could not help but feel a slight of bitterness; had it been the other way around-had it been Harlyn’s death that I was grieving, Valene would have understood why we had to leave-why we had to get away.

That night, we declared an all-out search for those responsible for Valene’s untimely death, and we’d been hard at work trying to find answers ever since. All hands were on deck; every single vassal that I had under my employ, every pack member.

For the past two years, we’d been utilizing every resource possible to find Valene’s killer but to no avail. We were no closer to finding answers than we were when we started.

Because of this, Alastair had begun to sink deeper and deeper into a depression-one that made him hard and far more intolerable than he once was. He started a boot camp for the future pack members, running harsh drills so that would be prepared for whatever came their way. He wouldn’t confess that this camp was mainly constituted for Harlyn’s sake. Neither of us wanted to lose another daughter.

Still, it seemed as if the fear of losing someone else only made him more of a recluse. It was like pulling teeth to engage the one pup that we had left.

“Daddy?”

When I heard Harlyn’s voice, my attention was pushed away from the moments leading up to this point in life. Realizing, that there were more important things to focus on in the present, I pressed for Alastair to answer, wondering if he had heard her in the first place.

“Harlyn is here, Wade,” I said to him. He didn’t answer and I knew why. “Wade, you still have one daughter. Our flesh! So act like it!”

He growled under his breath, obviously frustrated with me. He glanced back at the pup passively. “Harly, what are you doing here? Drills aren’t over yet.”

“Well, considering the fact that I have an IOU from my father, promising to take me out for an extremely belated birthday present, I thought I’d cash in today.”

“I’m sorry, love. I have business to tend to today,”

“Daddy, you’re busy every day. Surely, you can take a couple of hours to take your only daughter to lunch for a few hours.”

“Harlyn-”

“I will not take no for an answer,” she said, closing his office door behind her. “I’ve done as you asked in training. I’ve been drilling nonstop for months. “There’s nothing else for me to learn-”

Before Harlyn could finish her sentence, I felt the igniting use of Alastair’s power. He turned and shot a force of power at Harlyn and while I knew why I did not agree with it.

The energy force wasn’t nearly powerful enough to cause damage but it was enough to knock Harlyn into the door.

“Alastair!” I snarled. “You are being unreasonable!!”

“She needs to learn, Aziz,” he said aloud to me. “Danger waits for no one to prepare.”

“You think I don’t realize that?” Harlyn hissed and before her father could respond or not respond, her hands ignited in flames, and she lunged a ball at him.

I didn’t need to warn Alastair of the oncoming danger. We’d been in enough dangerous situations to sense these things without much effort. Still, I didn’t realize that he would act so rationally.

Without much effort, Alastair turned and absorbed flame and turned it into a powerful force of energy, throwing back at his daughter.

“Alastair!” I snapped, pushing myself to the forefront.

Fortunately, Harlyn’s hand lifted and in a circular motion, she created a field of blue flames that canceled out the power surge.

“Harlyn,” I said. “I-”

“I just wanted to go to lunch,” She said with tears in her eyes. “I…I just wanted to spend time with my father.”

Without another word, she opened the door, slamming it behind her. Angrily, I relinquished control from the forefront. “How could you?” I chastised him. “You’ve been avoiding her for weeks! Hardly sparing two words for the girl for months, and you’ve been emotionally absent for two years! It’s enough, Alastair! You need to get your bloody act together! She deserves more than this! She deserves better than this, Wade!”

“I know.” he simply said. “Maybe it’s time for you to take over, Aziz,” said Alastair. “I just…I don’t know that I can-”

“I will not make this easier for you! We all suffer! You are an alpha! We…are the alpha, and we need to stay strong or our world will be yanked from right beneath our bloody feet! Do you want to lose another daughter? Because you’re teetering on the edge with Harlyn, Wade.” It hurt me to say this because the connection that we had with Valene was far beyond that of an adopted daughter. There were numerous times in our life when we thought…in some rare chance of fate…that maybe she truly could have been. But the truth of the matter was, Harlyn…Harlyn was our miracle pup. The child we’d always prayed for. “Don’t forget that, Wade. “ I said to him as I knew that he’d been listening in on my thoughts about Valene and Harlyn. “Harlyn Caris…Wade…She….she is our true daughter.”

Alastair:

Per usual, he was right. Aziz was right about how I’d been treating Harlyn. It was as if I was exploring new ways to be an even worse father than the day before. I had completely discarded Harlyn’s life in an attempt to avoid positive emotions. Birthdays meant nothing to me anymore; holidays meant even less. Everything that I did after Valene’s death just provoked a feeling of going through the motions.

Toran had taken the helm for the greater part of a year and a half. He was understanding as he, himself, realized that he didn’t know what shape he’d be in had he lost Talon. He could hardly stand losing Tobias as he did.

“I’m sorry, Az,” I finally said. “I…I have been selfish, and I apologize. Harlyn is not the only one who deserves better. You do too.”

“I am here through the best and the worst, Alastair. I always will be. It is our pup who needs your reassurance.”

Without another word, I left my office and headed out of the door, hoping that Harlyn hadn’t left yet. Fate must have meant for me to salvage some semblance of a relationship with my daughter as she stood there, leaning against her vehicle wiping away her tears.

With a sigh, I walked across the driveway. “Harlyn.”

When she heard me call her name, she quickly attempted to wipe away her tears. “I was just leaving.”

“Where were you headed?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Well, there’s nowhere else to go, so-”

“How about lunch?” I suggested. “On me?” she seemed shocked that I would make such a suggestion. “And maybe a big shopping spree-first down payment for being an A-1 tosser.”

She chuckled. I hadn’t used that word in a while, so she knew that I was serious. She ran into my arms, wrapping hers around me before I could hug her. My abilities were mainly focused around energy, and sometimes I could feel one’s emotions through them. As Harlyn hugged me, I could feel the relief and grief that she’d been feeling.

“Come on,” I said, taking my daughter’s hand into mine as we headed to my truck. “Let’s go sit and talk.”

I bought out the rear end of our favorite Italian restaurant and for the first time since Valene’s death, we both had a genuinely good time with one another.

As dessert came, I sensed that something was on Harlyn’s mind, and knew that it had something to do with Valene.

I wasn’t fully prepared to broach the subject yet, however, so I asked another question. “How is Talon?” I asked. I had found over a year ago that he was Harlyn’s true mate and that she was fighting hard against the idea of it.

“How should I know?” she asked.

“Harlyn, you and that boy have been close since you were children. Surely, you have not completely cut ties with him because of fate.”

“Daddy, things are complicated right now.”

“Why?”

“Because Talon is just not the one that I should be with.”

“The Goddess mother feels differently,” I said. “There’s no one else better suited to you than Talon-certainly, not Ares-” I knew that she had a crush on the young Lycan but even before the loss of Valene I could not see that happening. Ares was always the one person that I did not think Harlyn could handle. After Valene’s death, he seemed to revert even further back into his old ways. I imagined he felt guilt over her death.

“Daddy!” she groaned with exasperation. “I-he’s a beta! I’m an alpha and-”

“What is your point?” I asked. “Talon is just like his father…any female would be lucky to have the lad,” she rolled her eyes, obviously having nothing to say. “Eventually, Harlyn, he’s going to realize this, and one day…his arms will no longer be available to hold you because he will find another-or another will find him.”

“Can we please change the subject, daddy? I no longer want to talk about my love life.”

“Fine,” I resigned. “What is on your mind?”

She sat there a moment in silence. “Well,” she finally started but with hesitation. “Do you have any regrets?” she asked me. “About her life? About things that you could have done differently?”

Of course, I had regrets. “She deserved better than the life that she was forced to live.”

“But did we really force her, daddy? She chose to become our vassal. It was the only way that she could leave the house freely.”

“She was never free though, was she?” I said in the form of a question though I knew that we both knew the answer. “It was simply bondage under the guise of freedom.”

“I know,” she finally confessed. “We talked-her and I, that day that I brought her home from the hospital. She told me how she truly felt,” Harlyn said. It was the first that I had ever heard about it. “She was trying to convince me…trying to convince me to accept that…that there was a…advantage to being turned into an inhuman. She even alluded to leaving. She thought that…if she was turned and they were still after her, then maybe…maybe at the very least she could better defend herself.”

“Ever the martyr,” I mumbled exhaustedly.

The waiter brought over our dessert, and immediately we both smiled and chuckled.

“Sweet treats,” we both said in unison.

We looked at one another before taking a bit out of our food. “She would completely lose her mind with this cake.”

“Yes, she would,” I said.

“You know….I know that I messed up, daddy,” said Harlyn suddenly, catching me off guard. “I…regret the way I’ve treated Valene. There are so many things I could have done better, so many things that I should have said.”

Her gaze turned distant and sad. I reached across the table, touching her hand and immediately it brought the memory of Valene and I’s last day together.

She smiled at me sullenly and then averted her eyes again. “I resented her,” she confessed. “I…I’ve resented her for as long as I knew what this feeling was,” Harlyn finally looked me in the eye. “I was so jealous of her, daddy. I…I knew that she was…that she was the ideal daughter. I had never met or known someone so purely sincere and good, and the idea…the idea that she would actually be inhuman? That she would actually be able to compete with me. I…I guess I was afraid to fade into your memory. I regret so much and…and….” tears began to fall down from her sad eyes. “When…when she first died, I…I was so heartbroken and yet…I convinced myself that…well at least I wouldn’t have competition anymore when it came to daddy. Then you completely shut me out. So, things were no better and only made me miss and still hate her even more for having such…such an impact on you that you would shut me out.” she sighed. I could sense the shame felt as she said this. “Even now…apart of me…is glad that I don’t have to compete for your love,” where she seemed to be unable to face me as she said this, but she finally looked at me and began to cry. “I hate…myself for…for feeling this way. It…is so selfish and self-absorbed,” she chuckled harshly. “No wonder, she was your favorite,” Harlyn said, wiping her tears.

I cupped her hand into mine, squeezing gently so that she’d look at me again. “It was never that Valene was my favorite, Harlyn. I only loved you both equally…with every fiber of my being…I know that she was not of flesh and blood, but…I felt like she was. You both are my daughters as far as I have ever been concerned.”

“Hm,” she scoffed. “And I just couldn’t seem to stand it,” she said shaking her head. “Still can’t, I’m starting to realize…not fully,” sighed Harlyn. My daughter looked up at me. “I hope that this does not change your love-”

“Harlyn, for better or worse, I’m your old man,” I reassured her. “If you’re up for it, we can work on your feelings, but otherwise, I will always love you.”

She took my hand and lifted it laying her forehead on my slightly balled fist. “I love you too, daddy.”

“Let’s get out of here,” I smiled. “We have some catching up to do.” I stood, placing a stack of bills on the table.

“I thought you were busy,” Harlyn said as she too stood.

“I’m learning that I should never be too busy for my daughter.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. “Let’s go.”