I pulled away from her embrace and stood up, my back turned towards her. I wiped away the stray tears that had fallen down my face and tried to compose myself. But the memories kept flooding back, and I couldn't stop myself from speaking.
"I called 911 after the accident," I said. "But in that moment, I couldn't believe that they were gone forever. I was sure that they would be saved. That's what doctors are for, right?"
I turned to Jasamina, who was still crying softly, and asked her if she understood what I was saying. But before she could respond, I continued.
"The paramedics arrived at the scene, and they started putting us all on stretchers. I tried to tell them that I was okay, but they didn't listen. They forced me onto a stretcher too. I watched as they pulled Suzy and our son out of the car, but unlike me, they drew white sheets over their faces. I heard them talking about the death of my family, and they even started discussing body bags."
I closed my eyes and tried to fight back the tears. "That was when I knew that I had lost my family forever."
Jasamina's arms wrapped around me again, and I couldn't help but lean into her touch. It was the first time I had cried since the accident, and it felt like a release. I told her about how I ran away from the hospital and bought my first beer. I didn't want to face the reality of what had happened.
But even as Jasamina tried to console me, I couldn't help but feel guilty.
I spilled out my words, unable to hold back any longer. "I didn't wait to pull up in the hospital. I made a run for it as soon as they brought out the stretcher. I ran and ran and ran until I couldn't run any longer. I didn't know where I ended up first, but I remember buying my first beer."
"It wasn't your fault," she said adamantly, but I wondered if she was even listening to my story. A person who truly listened would never keep repeating the same thing.
I turned to her, frustration building inside me. "Jasamina, it is my fault. I ended our picnic early and made the decision to go home. I let my heavily pregnant wife drive because I was too angry to persuade her to let me drive. I was the one who needed the fresh air."
I couldn't bear to meet her gaze and looked away. "Oh, I killed them alright. All of them." My voice cracked at the end, and I felt tears well up in my eyes.
She got up from the sofa and came up behind me, wrapping her arms around me. "Your Suzy... She seemed like such a wonderful woman from what you've told me."
"She was the very best," I stated adamantly, leaning into her touch. "She wasn't perfect, of course. She had her faults like every other human being. But she was the best of them all."
"You said she loved you so much."
"Very much," I conceded, my lip twitching at the memory of her love. It was one thing I never doubted.
"Do you think she would want you to blame yourself like this?" Jasamina asked softly, pressing on despite my silence. "Do you think she would want you to mourn them like this? To drown in sorrow and guilt? Would your Suzy truly want you to feel this way?"
Her questions hit me hard, like bullets to the brain. I gritted my teeth, knowing the answer all too well.
No, Suzy would never want me to be like this. She would want me to be happy, to move on from the tragedy that had befallen me. "If it's bound to happen, it will happen," she would say. "You were just a victim of circumstance."
"God...!" I groaned out in anguish, seeing my tragedy in a new light, a new dimension.
The pain may never go away, and I may never forget. But at last, I realized that "I still have to move on... because that's what Suzy would have wanted."
I spoke the words out loud without realizing it, and Jasamina's hands tightened around me as she nodded in agreement. "Yes. Exactly..."
I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, and we stood there together, wrapped in each other's arms, listening to the sounds of the night.
"Tann?" she whispered.
"Mmh?"
"Whose house did you give me the first time we met, before I had to run to Texas?"
"It was Suzy's. It was her house with her sister before we got married."
"What about her sister now?" she asked curiously.
"The truth? I don't know," I whispered, ashamed to admit it. After that first drink, I couldn't stop myself from drinking more and more, wandering off and not caring about anyone or anything, not even my parents or brother.
A thought occurred to me...
"I don't even know where they're buried," I revealed, feeling a pang of shame.
Jasamina kissed my back. "Take it one step at a time, Tann. One step at a time."