Lucas' P.O.V.
**Song suggestion: Repeat Until Death by Novo Amor** Trigger Warning for topics of suicide.
I was deep into her junior year. It had been complete misery for her. The bullying was relentless, and her home wasn't any better. She felt lost, depressed, and extremely lonely. She still worked with Joe, but she didn't count him as her friend, even though he was her only social interaction. My heart broke for her immensely. I can't imagine having to face everything she has been through by herself.
Dear future me,
If there even is a future me. I guess I should say dear future whoever is reading this. I've decided today is the last day I'm going to take the harassment at school. The last day I'll spar with dad and feel his fists on my torso.
It's not worth it anymore. The ache in my chest has grown into a crater too big for me to handle. It has swallowed me whole, and immersed me in its darkness. There's no light here, no hope. I'm alone, bitterly and utterly alone.
No one cares for me, not even the two people on this planet meant to. I'm unwanted. I'm tired, and so I'm giving in. I'm relenting to the voice in my head that says life will be better once I'm dead.
I can't imagine a single person that will be saddened by the news. The school may even throw a party when I'm gone. Dad would probably just be mad I left a mess. I hope he regrets his life decisions as he cleans up my blood. I hope he realizes the pain he caused me and mom. She didn't love me enough to take me with her. If your own parents can't love you, who can?
Goodbye, and sorry for the mess.
I think my heart stopped. Was this a suicide note? Did my Rose really feel so alone that she.. I can't even say it. I felt tears stream down my face as I hugged the journal.
Not my Rose.
I grabbed my phone needing to hear her voice. Did she go through with it? Did she attempt to take her life?
"Hello?" Her beautiful voice answered.
"We need to talk," I said a bit too sternly.
"What's wrong?" I could hear the concern in her voice.
"Rose, what is this entry in your junior year journal?"
"You know you're going to have be more specific than that. There's quite a few of them." She laughed, but I didn't find it comical.
"The one that just tore my heart out. Tell me you didn't go through with it. Tell me that you wrote it down, and changed your mind after."
The line grew silent aside from her breathing.
"I did it," she sounded so small as she admitted her dark truth.
"Rose!" I couldn't help myself. "How could you?"
"I was young and alone. Life was dark and hopeless then, Lucas. You don't understand."
I've frowned on suicide all my life, but more so since losing Ivy and John. They didn't choose to die, they had their life stolen from them. Then there's people that take life for granted, permitting themselves the easy way out, because they can't take it anymore. It's unfair to those of us they leave behind.
"I know it wasn't okay. I'm not saying it was. I'm just telling you why I did it." She sighed as she spoke. I could hear the sadness in her voice.
"You're not alone anymore," I reminded her.
"I know that. I'm fine now, Lucas. I got help after that day."
"Rose, I'm sorry you ever felt that alone."
"I know," she sighed. "I'm sorry you read that. I honestly forgot that it was in there."
"I love you so much Rose!"
"I love you too. So very much!"
"Good, because I'm never leaving you alone. You'll never feel that way again." Even if she broke up with me and sent me away I would bother the hell out of her to make sure she never felt alone. Not in a mean way, of course, just an annoying way...my way.
"I'll hold you to that." The smile had returned to her voice again.
"So tell me, what are you up to today?"
"I am going to Ian's house to see his mom and dad again. I've missed them. Mrs. Daniels invited me to stay for dinner so I'll probably end up staying there all evening. I'll head back home tomorrow morning. What about you?"
"We're going skiing this evening, and then Lisa said she was going to cook dinner, so wish me luck. I may die tonight." I joked, hearing her laugh.
I love her laugh.
"I'll pray for you," she teased.
"I miss you," I admitted.
"I miss you, too. I am ready to be back home with you."
She doesn't know this, but I plan to surprise her on Thanksgiving. We're only here till Wednesday night. I'll be back in time to celebrate with her and be thankful for her.
"Me too, Rose."
"I'm at Ian's now. I better go, but I love you. Have fun skiing. Don't forget the sun block."
"I won't. I love you, too. Have fun, call me tonight when you get back to the Inn."
I want to hear all about this little dinner with Ian and his family. I can't help but feel a bit scared. What if she still loves him?
"I will. Goodbye, my Knight."
"Goodbye, my Rose."
I hung up missing her voice already. I hate being away from her. I grabbed her journal curious to see what she wrote next. What comes after something like that?
Dear future me,
I'm sorry. I am sorry I wasn't strong. I am sorry I almost killed us. I am sorry I am so weak and pathetic. I won't do it again I swear. As you know I got some help. I'd never seen dad so upset before. He was furious, but he was also concerned. I guess now I know he cares enough not to see me die. He helped stop the bleeding and took me to the emergency room. When I came home a few days later the blood had been wiped clean, all evidence of my attempt had been erased.
I imagined Dad cleaning it up, and I wondered how he felt as he did it. He's kinder and more patient with me than before. I guess he didn't notice how much pain I was in emotionally. He seems to feel guilty. He hasn't had me spar, and he's been drinking a lot less. Honestly, things at home have gotten better, at least for now. I know he'll go back to normal in a week tops. Still, it's nice for now.
I got my first tattoo today. Joe gave me permission, and so I put a semicolon under my right breast over my rib cage. It didn't end, only paused. School is better too. It still sucks ass, but at least the teachers are being nicer. The principal checks in on me every now and then, too. I am picked on more now, but it's behind closed doors so there's not as many opportunities for them to do it.
I am going to therapy now, every Tuesday after school. Dad actually takes me there and he stays and waits for me. I am okay now. I started going to the gym, and I'm dealing with my emotions in a better way. I won't wallow like that ever again. I won't.
A recovering,
Past you.
I was glad to read that things had gotten easier, at least. I still couldn't believe she did it. It broke my heart to know, so when I see her I'm going to love on her like never before. I'm going to hold her and kiss her and never let her go again.
You're everything to me Rose and I'll show you that.