Lucas' P.O.V.
I finally finished her journals from junior year of college. This was it. I was finally getting to her journals about me. At the beginning of all this, I wanted to only read the journals about me, but I'm glad that Rose made me work for it. I have such a better understanding of her now that I've read her innermost thoughts about her past. She was a cherry tomato red as she handed me these journals this morning. She asked that I not read them while she's awake. Her embarrassment was adorable, but completely unnecessary.
She was currently asleep beside me, lightly snoring with her peacefully beautiful face. Rose is tired from interviewing around town, trying to find an engineering job for experience until the place she really wants is hiring again. I wanted to use my connections to help her, but she told me if I did, she'd be really mad at me. She wants to get her job from her own hard work. I find it very noble, but I wish she'd let me help. I placed my hand over our Abi as I began to read. Just 1 more month until she's born.
Dear future me,
Choose your boyfriends more wisely. Julius was a fucking waste of our time. I mean Clover? Really? Oh yeah, choose better roommates too. The pair of them can rot in hell. My heart hurts, but I'm focusing on my anger tonight. Hailey is taking me out, and I'm determined to prove a point.
Julius isn't the only guy that I can get. Despite what he said in our relationship, I am sure that other guys have noticed me. I am doing it! I'm having a one-night stand, as Hailey suggested. It's an experience I need, anyway. Now that I'm no longer a virgin, it doesn't seem to be that big of a deal. Fuck anyone that calls me a slut for doing it.
Now I just need to find a hot-looking guy tonight and flirt my way to his bed. I'm not sure how I'll do it, but I'm sure a little alcohol will be involved. Hurray for being 21 already! Time to get drunk and get laid.
A vengeful, past you.
I smirked, knowing this was the night she and I met. I did not know that she felt this way at that time. This was her goal, her intention for that night. Damn, if I wasn't lucky enough to be the one she chose. I remember that night all too well. I flipped the page, wondering what she wrote about me the next day.
Dear future me,
Holy fucking shit! Last night was the best sex of my life. Julius is shit in bed compared to the guy I chose last night. Lucas is his name, and Lord help me, if I didn't scream it multiple times throughout the night. The man is a fucking sex god. Hot as hell, too. How the hell I managed to pull him off is beyond me.
I am glad that New York is so big. The chances of seeing him again are slim, which is great because I could see myself becoming addicted to a guy like him. I already can't get him out of my head. The way his body moved against mine was like a perfect puzzle piece I didn't know I was missing. His lips were on fire, his touches only made me hunger for more. His dick is like a gift from the heavens, made especially to please a woman.
The man knows what he's doing and I feel perhaps he's ruined me for any other guy. I am not sure if Julius was just complete shit in bed or if sex should be the way it was with Lucas. Or maybe sex like that is particular to Lucas only. I know nothing about him really, but I know he must have a lot of experience. His moves were swift, intentional, and all around sexy.
Oh also, a mental note for the future. Don't stare at your phone in front of a door. My tongue is killing me and I couldn't even speak my mind to Julius when he came and bothered me. Typing my responses was not nearly as satisfying as yelling them in his face would have been. At least it seems I made a new friend.
I won't be keeping the phone he gave me for long. I'm still not an iPhone person. There's no way, but he's sweet and he's invited Hailey and I out. She won't let me say no either, so I guess we're going this weekend.
A pained and still horny, past you.
I'm not going to lie, reading this entry made me feel extremely arrogant. I had no idea she felt this way about me from our first encounter. She felt so inexperienced compared to me. I wonder if that's why she was quick to leave me that night. I had never had a girl rush out of my apartment as quickly as she had. It had left me even more intrigued by her.
Dear future me,
New York is not as big as we thought. Our sex-god showed up, apparently knowing Leo really well. He knew what I liked drink, and even rescued me from the security at the club. I am not sure how, but he managed to make sex even better than last time. My body is still sore all over from our encounter, but I don't regret it one bit. The only regret I have is that Leo saw me naked. Why the hell did he just come into Lucas' room without knocking? Do they live together? How'd he get into the apartment?
I just need to pretend like none of this ever happened. He's so out of my league, and I really don't need anything complicating my life right now. Lucas is dangerous for me. I could easily lose myself in him. As much fun as he is, it would be best if I kept my distance. Yet my stupid mouth betrayed me and said yes to going out tonight. Hailey is currently working on my hair as I write. She's ecstatic for me, but all I am is nervous. Is this a date?
God help me. I don't know what I'm doing. He's going to have his way with me tonight and I won't be able to resist him. I'll let you know how it goes.
A very stupid and nervous, past you.
I remembered this afternoon all too well. I was surprised she had said yes, but I was so grateful. I had gotten her number this day and somenhow convinced her to go to dinner with me. Having her at Dad's for dinner made it so much better, even if it ended with me fighting with Dad. That night didn't end well as a whole though. That was the night she pulled away emotionally from me. Fucking Janessa. Still makes me mad thinking about it.
Dear future me,
I fucking knew it! Lucas is not the guy for me. I fooled myself into thinking he was by the way he had accepted me after the fight. He seemed so happy and amazed by me. It made me feel so great. I wanted to allow him in, but when we got to his apartment a woman was already there waiting for him.
I'm sure she was naked under that trench coat. I'm such an idiot for thinking this could be more. He's got a lot of options and I'm just one of them. He may have kicked her out, but that could just be because he started the night with me. At least he doesn't switch girls through the night. He didn't chase after me or ask me to stay, so he must not care that much.
Thankfully I ran into Leo, but he only confused me more. I can't let myself fall for Lucas, so for now Mom will be my priority. Dad called and told me she's sick. She's dying and she's here in New York. I haven't seen her for 10 years and now she's here and dying. What the hell do I do with that? I have so many questions for her, so much I want to say. She owes me an explanation, so I'm going tomorrow to get at least that.
I won't let Lucas distract me. My focus will be school and seeing mom again. I could really use some closure as to why she abandoned me. I hope she's willing and ready to answer my questions, because otherwise I'll leave without another word. If she can't answer me then I'm not worth her time. She doesn't get to hear an I love you or I forgive you until she explains herself.
What kind of mother leaves her child behind with a man that abused her? Did she not think Dad could have turned his anger to me instead?
I need answers and I'll get them tomorrow.
A very confused and anxious Past You.
I had no idea that she wanted me to chase after her that night. I thought she needed space and I was respecting that. I don't like to push. I respect people's wishes more so since what happened with Francesca. If someone says no or stop, I do, no matter what it pertains to. I continued reading about how things went with her mother. She spoke about Leo and his loss. Apparently, she regretted her decision to tell us her life story, but she was happy to help Leo.
She spoke about our sexcapades and how she was going to keep it strictly sex between us. I realized how stupid I was in not show her how much I wanted to be serious with her. She wanted me, but she was scared of getting hurt and I could see why. I was reaching the day after her surgery now, after I'd opened up to her about what happened to me. I turned to find a page missing. It had been torn out, evident but the small bit left, that now stuck out like a sore thumb.
Why'd she tear it out? Was it just a mistake entry?
I'll have to ask her about it later. For now, I'll enjoy all the other entries about me and how much she loves me.