Placing a hand on my stomach, I gently rub it, as if that would help soothe the anxiety I am feeling.
After overhearing Harvey's mother's opinion of me, I decided to text him anyway and ask how he was. There was no reply. After swim practice, I proceeded to search for him, with no luck. I rang his phone, twice, with no answer.
This made me feel sick. Was he falling for what his mum was saying? Did he not want to be friends anymore?
Placing my chin in the palm of my hand, I sigh heavily as History began. I swiveled my eyes to the empty spot beside me.
Where is Harvey?
Why is he ignoring me?
Biting my lip, I look around. My eyes fell on Hayden, who sat across the room, a sour expression on his face. Mia sat next to him, taking notes. He was looking down at his book, scribbling. I desperately wanted to talk to him about the weekend, but Mia is constantly by his side. She is doing it on purpose.
It is infuriating.
The feeling of being alone is eating at me. My best friend is ignoring me. Hayden won't look at me. I cut ties with Ashton. My own mother has chosen to work and stay with her boyfriend... lover... whatever he is to her.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
The rest of the period dragged by. At lunch, I couldn't take it any longer. I had to go talk to Hayden.
He is sprawled out on a grass glade. Thankfully, Mia seemed to have herself preoccupied for the time being. As I approach Hayden, I notice his jacket and tie were thrown carelessly to the side, his shirt unbuttoned at the top. He had his forearm over his eyes, to block out the sun. He sleeves were rolled up, revealing his tan, unblemished skin.
I sit heavily down beside him and stretch my legs out in front of me.
"What part of alone doesn't make sense to you, Mia?" he grumbled and I smirked.
"The part where I don't give a shit." I replied sassily.
Pausing, he peered over his arm and looked at me.
"Oh. It's you."
"Yeah," I said, leaning back onto my hands. "We need to talk."
"We don't."
"We do," I pressed, frowning at him. "I get that whatever is going on with your family is none of my business, okay? Can we just go back to being friends?"
"Friends?" he echoed. "We're not friends."
I open my mouth to retort but no words came out. I let out a breath as I realised that actually hurt. I am used to Hayden's snarky comments and insults, but that hurt.
Noticing my silence, he peered up at me again. "Sorry, that was kind of harsh."
"Whatever," I said with a shrug, attempting to cover up my lack of comeback and attempt to seem nonchalant. "Can we just go back to how we were?"
He let out a deep sigh. "No, I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"Because you'll always want to know. You'll always be curious and I'm not telling you."
"About your father?"
"Don't." he warned, glaring up at me. "Don't say another word about him."
"Okay, sheesh," I said, holding up my hands in a peace signal. "Touchy subject. I get it."
"No. You really don't."
"That's your fault, not mine," I pointed out. "But I don't care, okay?"
"I do."
"Why are you being so difficult?" I groaned, throwing my hands up. "I just want to be friends. It's not like I'm asking that much of you!"
"Grace," he said, reeling into sitting position. "I'm going to be real here. We won't just be 'friends' and you know it. It will become something more."
I blink at him, totally shocked that he is discussing this so openly. "But-"
"I can't, okay? I'm not ready to do this again."
"Do what?" I asked, exasperated. "I just want to be your friend but you're being a real douche about it."
"But we won't just be friends, Grace," he snapped. "You know it and I know it."
"I'm not in love with you, so get your head out of your ass for five seconds and listen to what I'm trying to say!"
He sighed, looking just as frustrated as me. "You don't get it right now but you will. It's better off if we just... cool things, okay?"
I stare down at my lap. I cannot believe the words coming out of his mouth.
He is right. Of course he is.
I knew in the back of my mind, that I was beginning to have feelings for him. I knew we wouldn't just be friends. I didn't think of him as a friend. I didn't realise it, until he said it.
I turned to Hayden, at one of my most vulnerable points and he threw me out. Again, swallowing my pride, I approached him and the same thing has happened.
Harvey is ignoring me. My mother is lying to me. Hayden doesn't even want to be friends.
"Well, fuck," I commented dryly. "I have no friends."
"You have friends," he said, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, where are they now?" I asked him, pushing myself to standing position.
"Grace," he said with a sigh but I ignored him.
He made it perfectly clear what we were. We were nothing.
I strode away from him, my eyes burning with the sensation of tears. I refuse to let any shed.
"Trouble in paradise?" Mia asked sweetly as I walk by her.
"Fuck off," I snapped, not bothering to spare her a glance.
I stalk towards the gym, through the locker room and out to the back, where Ashton's office is. He is sitting behind his desk, writing down something on his notepad.
"Grace," he said, looking up, surprise evident not only in his eyes, but his voice. "What are you doing back here?"
"What are you doing tonight?" I asked him, ignoring his question.
I immediately squashed any thoughts and doubts that invade my mind as I stare into Ashton's deep, brown eyes.
"Er-"
"Come over to my house. Any time after school."
"Okay..." he said slowly. He looked tired, having dark circles under his eyes. "Are you alright?"
"I'll see you tonight," I said with a smile, before hurrying out of his room.
I know I shouldn't have done that. It is wrong. I am acting on hurt and impulse.
But at this point, I honestly don't care.
***
As I sit on the lounge, completely bored out of my mind, I begin to think about my decision in regard to inviting Ashton over.
It was low and I regret it. I'm lonely; it's honestly that simple. I knew he would come if I asked him too. It was all too easy.
That's what makes Hayden so intriguing, a nagging voice in my mind mutters.
Opening the Facebook app on my phone, I look up Hayden Cameron. My finger hovered over his profile picture. I let out a sigh, noting that we aren't friends on there. What he said was right.
Clicking onto his profile picture, I gaze at him. It is a photo of him with a huge smile on his face, leaning onto his father's Ute. His hair is pushed back from the wind and his golden tan shining underneath the sun. I had a feeling he would be photogenic. I was right.
I clicked onto messenger. I bit my lip softly.
I really am pathetic. He told me we weren't friends and to back off. So what do I do? I stalk his Facebook and want to message him.
Sitting there for a few moments, I contemplate my next move. I was just typing 'hey' when there was a loud knock on my door. I jump and press the send on accident, resulting in me sending the letter 'H'. I curse under my breath and threw my phone onto the lounge, before padding over to the door.
Swinging it open, I came face to face with Ashton.
"Hello Grace," he greeted smoothly.
"Ashton," I replied coolly, before stepping back.
He walked inside and once he had his back to me, I let my eyes dip over him. He is wearing jeans and a polo shirt. His hair looked like it had been gelled back, but it could also still be wet from the shower.
"I brought Chinese," he declared.
"Great," I said awkwardly.
When I had invited him over, I had not been thinking clearly. I was panicking. Harvey was ignoring me. My mother is a liar and Hayden, who I honestly think I have feelings for, told me to back off and to stop hanging out with him. Leisel hasn't hung out with me since the beach day. She is always by Mia's side, which has made me question whether she had true intentions from the beginning or not. Even my old friends, hardly text me back.
Right now, I had one option.
Ashton.
"Earth to Grace?" Ashton said to me, waving his hand in front of my face. "You in there or am I having dinner alone tonight?"
Blinking back to reality, I let out a dry laugh. "Sorry. Thinking about some stuff."
"Want to talk about it?"
"God no," I said a little too quickly. I cleared my throat. "Er- Thanks for coming. I know things have been... Weird."
"I must say, I was more than surprised at the invitation," he admitted, as he began to open the containers, not looking much better than he did earlier today. His stubble had turned into more of a beard and his eyes have an odd, red ring around them, as if he had allergies.
Biting my lip, I move forward and grab us cups and plates.
"No more surprised than me," I muttered.
"Hmm?"
"Nothing."
"What's been going on?" he asked as he began to shovel food onto his plate. "You seem very all over the place at practice. One day you're very bright and happy, the next you're distant, the next you seem upset... It's been hard not to ask you what is wrong."
I feel my face soften as I toy with the food on my plate. "Everything was going fine and then... Things just turned to shit."
I didn't have any other way to explain it.
He let out a laugh. "I have forgotten your colourful language."
He is acting like we were once best friends, or more than that. Like he had bothered to get to know me.
Silence fell between us and I began to eat, avoiding eye contact with him. Things have definitely gotten more tense between us. It isn't the same as before.
At the start, he drew me in because of his looks, his charm and the fact that he was someone I shouldn't be with. But now, I am beginning to realise that was just some stupid fantasy of mine. I wanted to be the girl in the movie, or the book, that has this awesome dream come true. An epic love story that make people swoon.
But really, he just wanted to get in my pants and nothing more.
"It's nice to spend time with you," he said softly, a small smile on his face. "I've missed you."
"Have you?" I said far more harshly than I intended to. "What do you miss, huh?" I can't stop. The hurt and anger I have been feeling today has built up and begun to snowball out of control. I fist my hand at my side and poke my fork in his direction with the other. "You miss me? What, you miss hooking up with me? Trying to fuck me?" The words that are leaving my mouth shock me, but I can't stop. I have no control. "You didn't bother to get to know me. You wanted nothing like that so please, please tell me what you miss about me. I am fascinated."
His mouth is hanging open as he stared at me. He placed his cutlery down and gaped at me.
"Wow, Grace..." he trailed off, looking beyond uncomfortable. "You have this all wrong... I didn't... Wow," he shook his head. "I like you Grace, okay? But we both know we couldn't date."
I let out a deep breath and stared down at my plate. "I've had a really bad day."
"I can tell," he commented, his tone a little flat. "I must ask; why did you invite me here tonight when you clearly don't want me here?"
I'm pathetic and didn't want to be alone.
"I don't know," I muttered, rubbing my face. "I thought you could help but you've made me feel worse."
"Gee, thanks," he said sarcastically, looking irritated.
"I'm sorry. This was a mistake."
"It doesn't have to be a mistake," he pressed, leaning over the table. He tugged at my hand. "We have something here."
"Do we?" I mumbled, my hand feeling lifeless in his.
Man, I was being a moody bitch today. I am honestly sulking because Hayden said we aren't friends? I'm acting like a child.
He moved around the table and pressed his hands to my shoulders. My eyes flew open.
"Ashton, what are you doing?" I asked, not liking the way his fingers were moving against my skin.
"I thought I could take your mind off the bad day you're having," he said to me in low voice. He leaned down, pressing his lips to my ear.
An involuntary shiver ran down the back of my spine.
"You want me, just as bad as I want you," he whispered.
A few months ago, those words would have made me feel weak and do anything he wants. Now? Nothing even close.
"Hayden, please," I said holding up my hand.
"What?"
"I-"
"Did you just call me Hayden?" he questioned, quickly standing.
I rise to my full height and scramble for something to say. Heat rushed to my face. Did I?
"Oh," he said, letting out a humourless laugh. "That's it, isn't it? It's Hayden. You want him now."
I let out a sigh. "No."
Yes.
"Oh my God," he said slowly, his eyes looking directly into mine. "You're lying."
"Well, so what if I do?" I snapped, planting my hands on my hips. "You had the chance and you blew it."
"Hayden?" he repeated with a slight groan. "This isn't happening again."
"If you had just-" I began before pausing. "Wait, what?"
"I'm going," he said, shaking his head. "Enjoy my food."
"Wait," I said, rushing after him. I could care less about the fact that he is leaving, I wanted to know what he meant. "What did you mean?"
"Nothing," he snapped back just as harshly as I had. "Goodnight, Grace."
As he walked out of my house, he slammed the front door behind him.
My head is reeling. Tonight only confirmed my feelings for Hayden and brought up a massive question. What the hell did Ashton mean by "this isn't happening again?" Surely, he isn't referring to another girl...
Carrie.
No. She couldn't have had a fling with Ashton, too, right?
As my mind is spinning with question after question, my phone dinged. Wandering over to the lounge slowly, I sat down and peered at the screen.
Hayden: If you wanted to talk to me, try words, not letters.
I rolled my eyes as I read the message, letting out a small laugh, welcoming him to distract me from my thoughts.
How did I know he would say something like that?