Ella
Minutes passed or it could’ve been seconds. Ella wasn’t sure. Time could’ve stood still for all she knew, but she sat there with her heart at her throat, afraid to move. She’d seen grown men cry before. Her father and her brother had both done so when her mother died and then during the whole Sonia thing. But somehow this felt worse. It wasn’t just the pain of losing someone. She heard something else in Felix’s voice and saw it in his eyes. He was feeling something beyond just the obvious pain of losing his son. There was something deeper.
She let a few more minutes pass before she stood up, picking up her plate and half-empty glass of wine. The steps she took into his house and toward the kitchen were slow and cautious. He’d asked for time, and she’d given it to him, but she also knew when she was needed. And right now he needed her.
They were barely audible, but she heard them: his footsteps. He was pacing slowly. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before turning the corner into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw her. His pained eyes were still red and moist, and his hands were at his head. He ran his fingers through his hair roughly but said nothing.
Ella ambled slowly to the sink and set the plate and glass down then turned and took the few steps to him, wrapping her arms around him. Felix immediately hugged her tightly. She felt his body shake softly against hers.
“It’s okay,” she whispered, kissing the side of his face. “You don’t have to talk about it.”
After a few moments, he pulled away and took a deep breath. “I wanna tell you about him.” He slipped his hand in hers, and she followed him out into the room with the pool table—the room with the photos.
“We named him Jordan,” he said, picking up the photo of the baby in the incubator from the mantel, and wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve. The tattoo on his shoulder suddenly made sense, and Ella felt guilty for being relieved over something like that at a moment like this. “Her entire pregnancy had been normal. I was there when he was born. Everything went fine. He was a perfect baby.” He stared at the photo for a while, lost in thought, and then he continued. “My mom and sister flew out the morning I called to tell them Shelley was in labor and in the hospital. Noah and Abel and the girls flew out later that day.” He smiled suddenly. It was a bittersweet smile, and he even let out a small laugh. “It was the happiest day of my life. They’d taken him away a few minutes after he was born, but they said it was just for routine testing. Then later the doctor came in and told us there was something wrong with his heart but they weren’t sure yet what it was.”
He told her how Abel and Noah had to leave the next day and how Hector had been on a chess tournament so he’d been the only one who hadn’t been there to meet Jordan when he was alive. No one thought it was that serious because the baby looked so normal and healthy. He wasn’t even attached to a bunch of tubes or anything yet. His mom and sister even left without much concern because his grandpa was having surgery in California the next day, but they promised they’d be back. The next day they’d had to hook baby Jordan to all the tubes and keep him in the incubator. That’s when things began to get scary.
“That’s when Gio arrived,” Felix continued. Ella squeezed Felix’s hand as he continued to stare at the photo, but she could see he was no longer looking at it. He was staring through it. “Things between Gio and me weren’t exactly one hundred percent yet, so the fact that he flew all the way out there just to meet my son meant a lot. At that point, the doctors had explained Jordan’s heart hadn’t fully developed on the left side. But they made it sound as though surgery could fix that. We even got to hold him a few times, and thank God Shelley thought to take pictures, because as much as hearing that my infant son was gonna have to have heart surgery scared the shit out of me, I never imagined . . .”
He stopped talking, and though he didn’t cry, Ella could see his Adam’s apple move as if he were swallowing back the emotion. Ella rubbed his shoulder, kissing his arm and trying desperately to be strong for him, but her own heart was breaking for him now too.
Felix cleared his throat, attempting to talk. He was able to, but Ella could hear the strain in his voice. “Gio stuck around longer than he’d originally planned to. When it became clear that this was more serious than they initially thought, he said he was staying longer. He was the only one there with us in the NICU the day the alarm on the machine went off and the nurses and doctors rushed in and whisked him away. I swear to God”—he stopped, pressing his lips together tightly for a moment—“it may as well have been my heart that stopped because that’s how it felt. We waited for an agonizing eternity, but it was actually only an hour that he was in emergency surgery. I was so scared,” he whispered, shaking his head. “Never in my life had I prayed so much and so hard.”
He set the photo down and then hugged her again tightly, inhaling deeply. He didn’t cry anymore, but just like when she’d held her brother the night he cried so bitterly about Sonia being raped, Ella could still feel Felix’s profound pain. He’d been carrying an ache around all this time. She wished she had the power to take all his hurt away, at the very least have the wisdom to say something that would lessen it. But she had nothing, so she continued to hold him silently.
When he was finally able to go on, they moved into the den where they sat down and she coaxed him into lying next to her with his head on her lap. She massaged his scalp gently as he told her about how the baby had died in surgery. Shelley’s family had all been there, but Gio had once again been the only one of Felix’s friends or family with him when they got the news and even held him when he’d cried like a baby.
He sat up suddenly, looking as drained as he sounded, and Ella could only imagine what it’d been like for him then. If just reliving it now brought on so much sorrow, she cringed to think what he’d gone through then. She didn’t think his story could get any more heartbreaking, but then he went on.
“Jordan’s death was something that bonded Shelley and me in a way that I thought could never break.” She saw how his expression went hard, and that’s when she knew she’d been right about there being more to his pain. “I knew as much as my family and friends hurt for me that no one else but Shelley knew exactly what I was feeling, and she said the same thing. We’d forever share the most horrific experience of our lives, losing our son. But we were both still in agreement that his short life and what he’d gone through would not play out in the tabloids, so we didn’t even give him my name. We filed everything under her mom’s maiden name—even the death certificate. That’s why there’s been little to nothing ever written about it. It’s how we both wanted it.”
Ella tried to get him to lie back down, but he’d gone from hurt and vulnerable to tense—almost mad. She settled for just holding his hand and rubbing her other hand over his as he continued, his tone going a bit hard.
“For weeks afterward, talking to her on the phone and seeing her when I went to visit her were the only things that got me through the day sometimes.” He turned to Ella as if he really needed her to understand this part. “Before Jordan was born, we never said we were seeing each other, but we’d begun to hold hands. I’d kissed her a few times, but it was such a tender time, such an atypical situation, and I knew I’d fucked up royally with her already. I wanted to be there for her but not push for anything more. Not yet. I knew she was wary of things between her and me ever working. Then our baby didn’t make it.” He looked away, and Ella saw his big strong jaw tighten. “She never told me that, when she’d gone back to live with her parents but before I started coming to visit, she’d reconnected with her childhood sweetheart. She hadn’t seen him since she’d moved to Chicago, and even though I’d started coming around to visit, it was only around her doctor appointment dates. I was training, promoting, and busy all the time, but I did make time for the appointments, and I kept in touch on the phone and texted. The whole time she and her ex were reconnecting.”
He stood up as if he couldn’t sit anymore, and Ella looked up at him, wondering if she should stand too or stay put. She decided for the moment she’d stay put.
“I’d set aside the months after Jordan’s expected birthdate way before she was due. I told Andy not to schedule me for anything. I was gonna take at least six months off of everything to devote myself to my son and to try to work on the relationship with Shelley. As the weeks went by after Jordan’s death, I thought I’d imagined her distancing herself from me. But I told myself I was being paranoid. Then a few weeks later, she emailed me.” He stopped the pacing he’d begun again to stop and look at Ella. “Fucking emailed me. This long ass email to explain why she didn’t think things would ever work between her and me. Our worlds were too different, and she and her ex were getting back together.”
The pain in his eyes was now accompanied by a heat. She’d seen that heat when Felix had caught up to her in the stairwell and had seen her tears the day Grayson showed up at 5th Street, making her jump out of the car.
“That’s when I knew it was all karma biting me back in the ass,” he said louder now—angrier. “Everything. All of it was my fault! I’d brought it on myself: Bianca and Gio betraying me, Shelley wanting me out of her life, Jordan—”
“Stop!” Ella jumped off the sofa to her feet. Her heart pounded, aching for him but at the same time angry that he would think such a thing. “How could you think for even a second that you’re to blame for his death?”
“Because I am! What goes around comes around. I’d been a total selfish asshole, never once taking into account the feelings of any of those women I was ever with. I’d hurt people.”
“Not like that! You told me yourself you never promised any girl anything until Bianca.” She reminded him. “All those women knew the risks they were taking. Besides, God doesn’t work that way!”
“I didn’t say God. I said karma.”
He sounded enraged with himself now, but Ella still saw the pain in his eyes.
“So everybody that loses someone or gets hurt deserves it?” Felix began to say something but then seemed to catch himself. “Bad things happen to good people too, Felix.”
He reached out and touched her face. “In your case, yes, sweetheart, but in mine—”
“No!” she said with even more conviction. “No one deserves to go through the pain of losing a loved one, but that’s life. What happened to you was tragic, but it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t bring that on yourself. If you wanna blame Bianca’s and Shelley’s turning on you on karma, then that’s up to you. I personally don’t think that’s fair to Gio for you to think the only reason Bianca fell in love with him, married him, and had his child was just to spite you.”
He shook his head stubbornly. “She didn’t do it. I did it. She fell in love with him because I didn’t deserve her.”
“And you deserve me?”
That silenced him, and he stared at her, breathing hard. Ella hadn’t even noticed how worked up even she’d gotten because now she too stood there in front of him attempting to slow her accelerated breathing.
“Probably not,” he finally whispered.
She reached out to him and took his hand. “Honey, the guilt you’re feeling over your lifestyle, your success, and your wealth isn’t fair.” She brought his open palm to the side of her face and leaned her cheek against the warmth of his hand. “I think you deserve to be able to enjoy what you worked so hard for. All those women you think you hurt . . . If you really didn’t promise any of them anything like you say you didn’t, they went into it, knowing full well not to expect anything. And let me tell you I know they got something out of it too. The whole Bianca thing . . .” She shrugged. “So you made a mistake. It cost you dearly and you learned from it. Move on. And Shelley? You did try to make it right. Everything happens for a reason. Things didn’t work out for you with her because she wasn’t the one.”
For the first time since they’d talked about his enormous dinner—the one he didn’t even touch—he smiled. “Are youthe one for me, Ella?”
She smiled, feeling a little choked up suddenly. Was this impossibly gorgeous man with such a broken soul and gentle, ready-to-love heart really asking her this? “I hope so,” she whispered.
“I know you’re the one for me,” he said, pulling her to him. “I think I felt it that first night we met.” He kissed her gently. “Now I just have my work cut out for me to prove to you that I’m the one for you.”
Glad that, for now, it seemed the heart-wrenching subject of his deceased baby was over, Ella wrapped her arms around his neck, smiling at the feel of his big arms wrapping around her tightly. “I don’t think that’s gonna be so hard to do.”
~*~
Felix
As usual Ella was right. It wouldn’t be easy nor would it happen overnight, but Felix was going to have to do his best to shake the guilt. Logically, Felix knew he hadn’t brought on the death of his son. He’d just been so happy the day he was born it really did feel too good to be true. That he and Shelley had created Jordan was nothing short of a miracle. It was completely mind-boggling.
And then that miracle was gone.
The feeling that he’d never deserved to feel something so amazing was all he’d thought of while his son was in surgery, so, of course, when they’d been delivered the news that Jordan hadn’t made it, it was all he could think—Felix had never deserved something so amazing in his life.
But what Ella pointed out was true. What about her? As far as he knew, she’d never done anything to deserve losing her sister and mother. What about her father and brother? What did they do to deserve the tragedies they’d endured or her mother for that matter? What did that poor woman do to deserve to have her own baby girl die in her arms so senselessly?
Felix was done playing the martyr. He had every right to enjoy his life. He’d earned this. It was still a little hard to believe he’d earned and deserved Ella, but here she was.
Sliding in and out of her slowly, Felix wanted to savor every moment of this. Ella had willingly given herself to him. She wanted this as much as he did, and this wasn’t something she’d given into overnight. So he knew her decision to be here with him hadn’t been on a whim. She knew how different their lives were, that getting this relationship right likely wouldn’t be easy, and still here she was.
He buried himself even deeper inside her, needing her to feel what he was feeling. She moaned, spreading her legs wider for him. Even last night when their night had been far less emotional leading up to their time in the library, he’d felt what he was feeling right then. He had never needed to own someone like he did Ella. Own her like she already owned him.
But he needed to be careful. Saying things like that to her might drive her away. She was different from any girl he’d ever met. She wouldn’t put up with the raging possessive caveman instincts he’d begun to feel when she was in his arms, let alone under him as she was now.
From the moment he first held her hand, felt the touch of her skin against his, it had been building. His need to make her his was irrepressible from the very beginning but especially after he’d gotten to know her better. Then he’d kissed her and he knew—she’d be his.
Last night he’d done just that, and tonight he was confirming it. Even if he did try to deny it, which he wasn’t, his body and soul had claimed her. She was his. Ella belonged to Felix now. He could try to fight the possessive instincts all he wanted, but he already knew it was how his heart felt and there’d be no changing that.
Ella had made one thing clear. You didn’t tell a girl like her you’d just claimed her. She’d likely protest, so he’d show her instead. He sped up, feeling the imminent explosion coming as he sucked her neck hard—feeling that untamed possessive instinct take over. Her body trembled underneath his, and it was all he could do to slow it down and make this last longer, but he’d already taken it as slowly as he could, driving deeper and deeper into her every time.
Raising himself to his knees, he pulled his upper body away, spread her legs wider, lifting her behind in the air so he could be inside her as deep as possible. He smiled as she cried out with pleasure. Driving into her faster and harder even as he felt her coming, he continued to ram her hard, grunting each time he thrust in. Ella cried out, squirming in bliss until he buried himself deeply in her one last time. He moaned loudly as he came inside her, his entire body feeling not just the normal ecstasy of such an amazing climax but an enormous satisfaction like he felt last night. Something he didn’t remember feeling with anyone else.
He fell onto her, gently kissing her softly, and then let her finish catching her breath. After slowly doing just that for a few moments, she turned to look at him and smiled, touching his lips with her fingers. Her eyes twinkled. “I’m gonna be sore,” she whispered, “but, God, that was so worth it.”
Kissing her fingers, he thought about that for a moment and wondered how many times she’d actually been with Grayson if sex still left her sore. He closed his eyes for a moment then squeezed them a little tighter as the thought of her with Grayson—with anyone else—lit his insides.
“Something wrong?” she asked.
Felix’s eyes flew open and he smiled. “No,” he said, shaking his head slowly, “not at all.” He leaned in and kissed her gently, stroking her bottom lip with his tongue, and then smiled when he felt her tremble. “Everything’s perfect,” he whispered against her lips then stroked her bottom once again. Once again her body reacted in the same way. “Just perfect.”
Maybe he couldn’t tell her she belonged to him now, but he sure as shit would be making it clear to anyone who tried to argue that she didn’t.