Ella
The first thing Ella had to do was come clean to Felix about Grayson. She didn’t want what she’d done in sheer moment of panic to come back and haunt her, not when she had so many bigger things to worry about.
Ella had met Felix outside her house because she didn’t want her dad to see her that way. She’d managed to stop the crying because she knew she was going to have to pull it together.
“Thank you so much,” she said to Carmen before getting out of her car.
Carmen reached over and squeezed her hand. “Remember if there’s anything you need just call me.”
Ella smiled and nodded. Felix was already waiting for her outside his car. She hugged him as soon as she reached him. Being in his arms felt like heaven, but she wouldn’t allow herself to cry anymore. She’d done enough of that all day.
“How you feeling?” he asked, searching her eyes, his own full of concern.
“Scared,” she admitted. “But we need to talk about something else first. Can we go for a drive? I’m not ready to face my dad yet.” She smiled nervously. “My eyes are still too puffy.”
They drove for a bit in silence, and then she just let it out. “The other night when you came over and Grayson was here”—he turned to her, his brows furrowing instantly—“my nerves about the biopsy were still really raw. He noticed something was wrong immediately and started questioning if everything was okay. My dad was there, and I was afraid he’d hear us talking. Grayson insisted I tell him what was wrong, so I took him outside and told him what I knew he’d want to hear just to shut him up. I said all this media stuff was beginning to get to me, and, of course, he was instantly all over it. But I needed him to leave because I didn’t want you upset that he’d been there long, so I told him to call me instead.”
Felix pulled over, shut the car engine off, and turned to her. “Are you upset about the media? Because—”
“No! I told you I don’t care about any of that stuff. I swear to you. I just panicked.” She reached for his hand, laced her fingers through his, and squeezed. “I didn’t want my dad picking up on me being upset.”
“So Grayson’s calling you now? You’ve been talking to him, Ella?”
“No.” She shook her head adamantly. “That same night after you left I checked my phone because I knew he’d be calling and he had. I had several missed calls from him and texts. So I called him back and explained the truth. But, Felix, I made it clear to him that my asking him to call me had been for no other reason than to get him to leave. He knows that things between him and me can be nothing more than how they’ve been up until now; although, he did beg me to keep him updated on my health.”
Felix’s expression had softened until this last comment. It went hard again, so she nodded quickly. “I told him if it was bad news”—she glanced away for a moment, unable to continue looking into Felix’s suddenly desperate eyes—“I’d likely be too caught up to be calling or texting but that I’d have Memo update him.” She looked Felix in the eyes again, this time with all the conviction she could muster. “I’m gonna beat this. Do you hear me? But I need you to be strong, and the last thing I need is any outside negativity added to all this. I should’ve never said what I did to Grayson. I panicked and I’m sorry, but you have to know Grayson is not and will never be an issue for us, okay? Just like the stupid tabloids haven’t been and will never be.”
Ella was about to keep going. She could go on and on assuring him that what she’d said to Grayson was a complete lie. She really hadn’t and wouldn’t let anything in the media get to her, not as long as Felix continued to show her so unequivocally how devoted he was to her. He’d been doing just that from the very beginning. Felix opened the door and got out of the car. Instinctively, so did she and met him just outside the passenger side.
Felix wrapped his arms around her cautiously but firmly. His hug was so full of emotion she knew right then she had nothing to worry about, not about this anyway. And apparently he felt the same way.
~~~
The hardest thing about the weeks that followed her diagnosis—harder than the draining chemo sessions and harder than hearing Felix say he was postponing his fight if not cancelling it indefinitely—was having to see her dad go through this all over again. Ella believed her father’s collapse and his hoarding were caused by having to endure watching the woman who’d been such a rock to all of them slip away so helplessly. It had done something to him that she didn’t think he’d ever recover from. And now he had to live through it again.
She’d been able to come to a compromise with Felix. He wanted to take care of her at his home. Since she knew having her dad watch her get home from her sessions so completely spent and often times very sick to her stomach took such a toll on him, she agreed but on one condition. She promised Felix she was going to fight this thing with every fiber of her being. She had her mom in her corner. Ella knew she needed to stick around for her father, her brother, and even Felix because, as much as he was trying to be strong, this was destroying him. Ella wasn’t going down without a fight, but neither was Felix. If she agreed to move into his place to be cared for by round-the-clock nurses, then Felix was going through with his fight.
The last thing she needed on her conscience was to know he’d cancelled one of the biggest fights of his career just to take care of her.
“What are you gonna do, babe?” She reasoned with him. “You’re not a doctor or a nurse. You’ll be hiring the very best to take care of me. I’ll be exhausted, grumpy, and sleeping most of the time. You don’t need to be sitting by my side all day. I don’t want you there all day. There’s no need for you to suffer through every minute of this with me. You need the distraction, and training for this fight will do just that.”
It was the only way she’d agree to move into his home and burden him like that, and it was the only thing that would get him to go through with the fight. So the fight was still set to happen.
Even though Ella had told Felix moving a cat from one home to another was different from moving a dog—that it was traumatizing and she didn’t want to put Larry through it—Felix insisted. He said he’d read somewhere pets had the power to heal or at the very least make you feel better during an illness. Ella had never even bought a cat carrier since she never took Larry anywhere but the vet when he was just a kitten to get his vaccinations.
Of course, Felix went out and bought an expensive carrier with all these toys and a cat bed to make Larry as comfortable as possible during the move. It took Larry a while to adjust, but after a few days he’d made himself at home in Felix’s beautiful home.
Ella did her best to keep what the doctors told her about her prognosis to a minimum or at the least very vague. She’d known it from the beginning. It was another thing her mother had told her years ago about men.
“When they truly love you, they love hard. You’ll feel it, and there will be no question about it. True love at its purest is something that cannot be faked, not even by the best cons out there.”
What Felix said he was feeling for her from the very beginning was anything but fake. It had only grown with each passing day, and he couldn’t get enough of telling her so. It was why it’d been so easy to ignore the tabloid stories and rumors of him cheating. Having the women of 5th Street and his own mother and sister confirm this again and again, it would’ve been completely unfair for her to question his sincerity.
Because of this she was as scared about this newest challenge in her life for herself as she was for him. So whenever he asked what the doctors had said, she kept it vague. “We’re making progress” or “everything is as it should be.”
She knew she really wasn’t telling him much, but he didn’t need to hear all the heavy-duty stuff. She also hated that, since she’d been diagnosed, they’d only made love a handful of times in the very beginning before the chemo had really done a number on her and Felix refused to exert her further. “It’ll be our reward,” he’d whispered as he held her in bed, “when we both get through this. For now, just having you in my arms all night every night is more than enough.”
She’d been reading in his library again with Larry sprawled out next to her. Running her fingers back and forth over Larry’s fur, she continued reading, completely engrossed in a book she hadn’t read in a while about a cancer survivor. Ella needed the inspiration. As strong as she was trying to be for everyone, she’d had some real dark moments where she’d been terrified of the worst.
The door creaked open, and she looked up to see Felix smiling at her. He pulled a long-stemmed rose from behind him and held it out. She smiled but this worried her.
“Why are you home so early?”
“Baby, it’s almost nine.” Felix came over to kneel down next to the chaise she was lying on as she reached out for her phone.
“Oh my God, it is. I must’ve really been swept up into this book because the time just flew.”
“You’re wearing the wig,” he said, looking up at her with a sweet smile. “It looks good on you. I’m glad you finally gave into the idea.”
Ella touched her wig. When her hair had begun to fall out, she’d simply wrapped what was left of it in scarves like a turban. She insisted she didn’t need a wig, but some days she was so weary from the chemo sessions she just didn’t have the energy to wrap her head. Felix had insisted that getting a wig she could just put on would be easier and less exhausting. So she’d given in and they’d gone shopping for one, but she’d had it for over a week now and still hadn’t worn it. Today had been one of those days she just hadn’t had the energy for the hair wrap. Ella knew sexy was the last thing a sickly person could be thought of. She’d at least try to look presentable and less pitiable.
Looking down into his eyes as she got a better look now, she could see they were a little puffy and red. She stopped asking a while back if he’d been crying. He always had to admit he had, and she knew he hated to because he was trying so hard to be strong for her. She touched the side of his face, and he took her hand, kissing it softly, but didn’t look back up at her.
“I’m gonna fight this, Felix, and I’m gonna win.” He nodded but still didn’t look up. “I have way too much incentive to do so, and I’m too damn stubborn not to.”
He laughed softly, but she could see he wasn’t going to look up anytime soon unless she asked him to. “Look at me, Felix,” she said gently.
Felix took a deep breath then looked up, wiping the tears away. “I’m sorry,” he managed to say.
“Don’t be,” she said. “Come here.”
She patted the space next to her and scooted over a little. Felix sat next her, immediately wrapping his arms around her, and buried his face in her neck.
“It’s okay to be scared, Felix,” she said, caressing his head. “You don’t have to hold it in all the time. Seeing you like this only makes me wanna fight harder.” He nodded against her shoulder but held on for dear life, not pulling away at all. With a sudden oomph in her, she said something she knew she probably shouldn’t, but it felt right. “Let’s make a deal. You win your battle, and I’ll win mine.”
Ella had no doubt Felix could win this fight, if his heart was in it. She knew it wasn’t. It’d been such a challenge to get him to agree to go back to training and leave her side. The girls had come by and visited a few times. Ella had asked them to be honest with her and tell her the truth. Was Felix doing well with his training? They’d all exchanged glances, and though they said things that sounded positive, Ella knew better.
He finally looked up and she wiped his tears. “I know that focusing on your training and giving it your all with this on your mind is hard, as hard if not harder as it is for me to deal with having this.”
Felix shook his head immediately, looking almost mad. “God, Ella, don’t even compare the two. It makes me sound and feel like such a wuss—”
“Shh,” she said, placing a finger over his mouth. “I know what it’s like to live with the possibility of losing someone you love. I know how impossible it is to stay positive. And I remember how damn hard it all was. Now I’m on the other end. If anyone can compare the two, it’s me.” She ran her fingers through his hair, taking a deep breath. “I can’t decide now which is harder. I was an absolute mess, and I didn’t have a championship fight to train for while dealing with it. So don’t tell me I can’t compare the two, because I can. What I’m saying is you can do this. If you can focus and give it your all even with all this on your mind for me—to be my inspiration—then I can do this for you. I promise.”
He hugged her again with that gentleness he’d been using ever since this all started as if he were afraid of breaking her. “I’d do anything for you.”
His strained words made her smile. “Then it’s a deal.”
~~~
Felix’s training had picked up as he promised. Nellie and Roni had paid her a visit, and they’d confirmed that he was doing much better.
“Noah said he seems a lot more determined.” Roni had said. “Almost as if he’s letting his anger out during training, but he said that’s a good thing. The training is a perfect outlet for it.”
“Abel said he still has his moments where he zones out but that’s to be expected,” Nellie had said. “Overall he said Felix has made a tremendous improvement.”
Two weeks before the fight Felix was already having serious second thoughts about leaving Ella to be at the fight. It’d be in Vegas, and Ella was too weak to travel.
“It just doesn’t feel right, babe. You being here not well and I’m in Vegas?”
“Felix, you’re not going there to party”—she lifted a brow—“are you?”
She smirked, but apparently he was in no mood because he didn’t laugh. Instead he gave her one of his you’re-not-funny looks, the kind he gave her when she asked him to call her ChemoSabe or the day she’d been so famished, which was rare for her lately, but she’d polished off an entire pastrami all by herself. When he’d looked at her, surprised that she’d eaten it all, she’d smiled and said, “I’m eating for tumor.”
That didn’t go over well either. She was just trying to keep things light, especially this close to his fight. Still she went on before he could start arguing that not cancelling the fight had been a bad idea. “You’re doing so well, babe. This is almost over. All of this. The doctors are feeling very confident that I’ll be cancer-free soon. Remember our deal.”
She’d finally been able to calm him and convince him she’d be fine. Then just a week before the fight and in between treatments, she got a call from her doctors. They needed her to come into the hospital. Immediately, her heart was at her throat, but she refused to alarm him, not with the fight this close. But she knew how nervous he was about everything and often called the nurse in charge to check on Ella to avoid waking her. If he called and they told him she’d left and didn’t mention it to him, he might freak. So once she checked with her brother and he said he’d go with her without mentioningit to her dad, she texted Felix.
I’m going to lunch with Memo. He has a few hours to spare and wanted to get me out for some fresh air. I’ll text you when I get back.
Just as she knew would likely be the case, her phone rang as she walked out the door. “Hey, baby.”
The suspicion was there. She could hear it in his voice already, so she did her best to sound cheery. “Hey. I was just walking out. Memo’s taking me to the Olive Garden. All you can eat soup, salad, and bread sticks.”
She wasn’t lying. It was what she’d been craving, and she was planning on stopping there after they left the hospital.
“But everything’s okay, right?”
Ella could only pray it was, so she continued the cheery act. “Yes, I’m actually having one of my better days. I didn’t mean to interrupt your training. I just didn’t want you to worry in case you called to check on me and they told you I’d left.”
“You know I’d mind it a million times more if you didn’t call to give me a heads up on anything.”
“I know.” She smiled. “I’ll text you when I’m back. We might go for a little walk in the park or something because it’s such a nice day.”
Felix was quiet for a moment, and she knew she hadn’t convinced him. Obviously, he’d heard something in her voice. He was getting as good as she was about being able to pick up that something wasn’t all right, so she decided to let him in on something she was going to later anyway.
“Grayson called today.”
He was quiet again; then he spoke. “What did he want?” This time she heard the unmistakable irritation in his voice. It actually relieved her. It was better than hearing the fear.
“To come by and see me.”
Unbelievably, his tone went even more severe. “What?”
“Of course I said no, babe. And it’s the first time he’s called since that night I told him not to anymore. I told him I still wasn’t comfortable with him calling me especially now that I’m living temporarily in your home. It doesn’t feel right.”
“In that case, I don’t want you ever moving back to your place.”
Ella smiled; although, she wasn’t entirely sure if he was kidding or not. He certainly didn’t sound as if he were. “He said he understood and would respect that, Felix. He’s gone to see my dad a few times to get updates on me, and my dad’s told him everything you’ve done for me. Grayson asked me to apologize to you. He said he was wrong, and he’s glad I have you in my life. And he said he won’t be calling me anymore out of respect for you. He’ll just get updates from my dad and Memo.”
Again there was silence. “I’m gonna hold him to that,” he finally said.
Ella exhaled softly. For once, the uncomfortable subject of Grayson had come in handy because the suspicion about something more being wrong had been forgotten for the moment. Though he did make her promise to call or text and let him know when she got home. She hung up feeling a little guilty, but she didn’t see the point in alarming him if this might be nothing. She assured her nervous brother this would be fine, but it’d still been a somber and quiet drive to the hospital. Ella took advantage of the quiet to speak inwardly with her mom. Whatever this was she’d get through it too. She had to.
~*~
Felix
Ella had texted Felix a few hours earlier to tell him she was home again. The whole time between when he spoke with her until he heard from her again and she told him she was back home he’d hardly been able to concentrate. She’d gone out for coffee with Carmen and her dad during her stay at his place, but it always made him nervous. Felix knew that Ella knew how much he worried. He wouldn’t put it past her to keep something from him about her illness just to avoid messing with his training. But he’d made her promise she’d tell him the moment she got any news, no matter how minor or worrisome.
So far, Felix hadn’t been as strong as he’d hoped for her, but he was determined that she would not go through this alone. Felix knew how much she’d kept from her dad and Memo already because she didn’t want them worried: nothing big, just how weak she felt at times and the times she was so sick to her stomach. She always said she didn’t see the point in telling them about it. There was nothing they could do about it.
The moment he got home he knew something was up. Memo’s car was still there, and Ella had specifically said he only had a couple of hours to spare.
With his heart already pounding, Felix jumped out of his car and rushed inside. No one was downstairs, and he heard voices upstairs. He tore up the stairs, already feeling the lump in his throat. Be strong, damn it!
The nurse, Memo, and Ella all shut up at once when they saw him at the door. Ella seemed fine, but she was packing a bag. “Where you going?” he asked.
Ella glanced at Memo and then the nurse. “Can you guys give us a minute, please?”
Memo patted him on the shoulder as he walked past him. The nurse wouldn’t even look at him. Felix’s breathing was already accelerated. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” she said reassuringly. “I have to be admitted into the hospital for a few days. That’s all.”
“What do you mean ‘that’s all’? Why?”
The numbing pain he’d had in his heart from the moment she first told him about the cancer was an all-out scorching ache now. He rushed to her side. The same desperate and irrational thoughts came to him. Ella had proven to be so strong he wanted to believe her unequivocally when she’d promised she’d beat this. So he actually considered for a moment falling on his hands and knees and begging her to keep her promise.
“It’s not unusual for cancer cells to spread even during chemo,” she explained calmly, taking his hand. “Mine haven’t,” she enunciated that part as if to make absolutely sure he understood that, but it still didn’t lessen the absolute terror he was already feeling. They were admitting her to the hospital for a reason.
Ella continued to explain calmly, and Felix could tell she was dumbing it down for him a bit, but basically the doctors wanted to avoid any chance of her bad cells spreading, so they were going to get more aggressive with the chemo. She’d have to be admitted. The stronger treatment would need to be administered slowly through an IV, and she needed to be monitored throughout.
“How long?”
“Three days,” she said with a smile as if that weren’t as terrifying as hell.
“I’ll be with you the whole time.”
“No, Felix, that’s not necessary. You’re training—”
“Ella, I’m gonna be there,” he said firmly.
He saw her eyes begin to well up, but she quickly shook her head as if to ward off the emotion. Emotion he knew she had to be hiding just to put up the happy act for him.
“I haven’t told my dad.”
“I’ll tell him. Don’t worry about that. When will they admit you?”
“Tonight. They wanna start as soon as possible.”
That was another blow to the gut for Felix, but he forced himself to recover from it fast. “I’ll go call the guys and explain to them I’ll be off for the next three days.” He kissed her softly. “It’s gonna be fine.”
Felix was determined to turn the tables on her and stop forcing her to be the strong one when she should be focusing on getting well, not coddling everyone around her. He’d call her dad later tonight and explain to him that all of them—her dad, Memo, and Felix himself—needed to man the fuck up already. He was done letting Ella take on the entire burden and have to hide her emotion—her fear. He knew she had to be scared out of her mind. He certainly was.
Felix had often said Ella was his life now and if he lost her he’d be losing his life. He could say it all he wanted, but the truth was it was only metaphorically speaking. He’d never do that to his mother, but he knew if Ella didn’t win this battle he’d never recover from this loss. A part of his soul would die with her, and life as he knew it would be changed forever. But this was Ella’s actual life. She was dealing with the fact that this maybe it for her. Not even a broken empty shell of a life would be left of her as it would be for Felix. She was dealing with a much harsher reality, and he needed to remember that.
The whole way to the hospital Felix kept a positive attitude. It actually pissed him off that doing so seemed to actually allow Ella to stop trying to put up such a brave front. Once she was all hooked up to the monitors and the IV drip and the nurse finished explaining all the details of the procedure, they were left alone and Ella admitted she was scared.
Felix fought the urge to grind his teeth. Of course she was scared. He was just glad he’d finally pulled his head out of his ass and let her be the scared one. “A very wise person once told me it was okay to be scared.”
She smiled at him weakly. “It’s what my mom used to tell me all the time. What wasn’t okay was to give up—be defeated. And I won’t be.”
“I know,” he said, squeezing her hand, “because you promised. You know what my mom said to me when I called her to tell her you were being admitted?”
He’d leave out the part about desperately begging his mom to help him calm down. Ella looked at him curiously. “What?”
“She said things can never be so bad if they could be worse, and she reminded me that there is always something to be thankful for.” He fought the emotion because he was done falling apart in front of Ella at least for now. “You’re still fighting, the doctors are still hopeful, and getting more aggressive treatment is a good thing. We should be thankful for it, not scared.”
Felix wanted to tell her more. His mom had said the same thing she’d told him when he was so terrified Jordan wouldn’t make it. ”Your scars are a symbol of your strength.” When this was all over, he and Ella would be so much stronger for it, but he was afraid his voice would break halfway through and all this talk of being strong would be all for nothing.
The next few days were a grueling reminder of what he’d been through with Jordan: the days in the hospital praying and worrying and hating to see that person you loved so weak and listless. They weren’t kidding when they said this treatment was aggressive. When Ella wasn’t throwing up, she was out of it. Felix had asked his mom to bring in Ella’s scarves because she didn’t want to wear her wig in the hospital and her head was cold. Felix had helped her before with the head wrap and had wrapped her head almost as nicely as when she did it herself.
When she was released on the evening of the third day, she was feeling much better, but the doctors warned that she should stay in bed and get lots of rest for the next week at least. She made Felix promise to go back to training. He had just three days left to train before the fight. And even though he couldn’t imagine being focused enough to go through this fight, knowing she was home still feeling so sick, he kept his promise because, according to Ella, their deal still stood. If he won his battle, so would she.
The day before he left to Vegas he got the news. Even though he’d gotten Memo and Ella’s dad tickets to see the fight in person, they were both going to stay back and watch the fight with Ella at Felix’s house. The girls all decided to stay back with her too. Only Abel, Noah, and Gio would come to Vegas with him.
Charlee had had a scare recently with her pregnancy. Felix wasn’t even sure what had happened. All he knew was Hector wasn’t going out of town if she wasn’t coming with him, so he was staying too. Felix couldn’t blame him. Hector wouldn’t be there as a trainer anyway. If Felix weren’t the one fighting, his ass would be home too.
Felix quickly made arrangements to have one of the comfortable chaises in the library—one of the chaises Ella liked so much—brought down into the great room so she could watch the fight with everyone else. He was actually glad that they’d all be there. Felix imagined her lying there during his fight, propped up with pillows under a nice warm blanket, being waiting on by friends and family and the nurses in his absence. Though he already knew Ella could be stubborn about being waited on.
She’d already tried to give the nurses the night and next day off since her brother and father, who were both untrained in the medical field, would be staying with her. That was quickly axed, and since he knew how stubborn Ella could be, he reminded the nurses he was their boss, not Ella. If she tried to send them home, they were under no circumstances to go.
The day finally came when he had to leave. Felix and his training crew were flying out in his private jet. Felix had been sitting at Ella’s bedside for over a half hour saying goodbye when Noah finally walked in.
He smiled at Ella. “I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better.”
“Much better,” she said, patting Felix’s leg. “I heard your brothers are going to be there.”
“Yeah,” he nodded, feeling a bit bittersweet. “I haven’t seen those two in over a year.”
“That’s exciting,” she smiled big, squeezing his leg.
He knew she was trying to make him feel better, but he could still see it in her tired eyes. She was drained and still a little out of it from all the meds she was on.
Noah turned to Felix. “Dude, I thought we were scheduled to take off at two? It’s one thirty. It’s gonna take us longer than a half hour to get to the airport.”
Felix nodded. “I’ll be right out.”
Noah didn’t look convinced by that at all. Felix had said the same thing to Gio when he’d walked up there fifteen minutes earlier to tell Felix they were cutting it close.
“You better get going, Felix. I’m gonna be fine. I promise. My dad and Memo are spending the night tonight, so I won’t be alone with just the nurse.” She touched his face. “I know you’re gonna win. Just do it fast, okay? I don’t know how much I can take of seeing someone swinging at you. Even back when I didn’t even know you, my hands were constantly over my eyes when I’d watch your fights.”
Felix smiled, surprised at that. He didn’t realize he’d had many close fights that would make people nervous.
He leaned over and kissed her one last time. But as he had all week it was very soft and gentle. He didn’t want to overwhelm her. She looked so fragile. “I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you too.”
He kissed her again. “I’ll miss you.”
She smiled. “I’ll miss you too.”
He straightened out, dropping his head back. “God, I don’t wanna leave you.”
“You’re not leaving me. You’re just gonna go get your title back and then fly right back to me.”
“Literally,” he reminded her. “I’m gone one night. That’s it. I fly back here tomorrow night after the fight.”
“I know.” She laughed. “Now go before the guys come in here and drag you out.”
“That’s exactly what I was coming in here for,” Abel said as he walked in the door. “We gotta go, man. I told them I wasn’t coming down without you.”
Felix turned back to Ella with a frown and kissed her one last time. Things are not so bad if they could be worse. He was saying goodbye to her just for one day. It could be so much worse. He’d be thankful that he would still talk to her tonight when he got there and he’d be back in less than forty-eight hours.
He never imagined having such a huge fight lined up and not being pumped up for it at all. Noah and Gio weren’t happy about that. He could tell they were worried, but in all honesty, he really didn’t care one way or another about the fight. Felix wasn’t even gone yet, and all he could think of was getting back to Ella.