When we left, Hunter decided to stay behind. Before I hopped into Chaise’s car, I looked back and found Hunter standing in the balcony. He was watching me. I couldn’t make out the expression on his face. He looked frustrated, sad and angry all at the same time.
I wanted to come up to him, to tell him that I just needed a little bit of time to set things right.
“Come on, Chaise. Drive!” Denise called from the car behind us.
“Alice, let’s go,” Chaise demanded from inside the car.
I looked up at Hunter one last time. He gave me a slight nod, as if silently giving me permission to go. I gave him a sad smile and then I hopped inside Chaise’s car.
On the way home, Chaise was silent too. He was happy to leave me to my own thoughts, while he got lost in his. When he dropped me off in front of my house, I thanked him silently. He just nodded and then drove away.
“How was it?” Meredith asked me cheerfully as soon as I went inside the house.
It took me a minute to snap out of my thoughts and answer her.
“Okay, I guess,” I replied curtly. Then I headed to my room.
I changed into a comfortable pair of shorts and a big baggy shirt. Then I threw myself to bed and took a pillow to cover my face.
A few minutes later, I felt a tap on my arm. I turned and saw that Meredith was sitting on the side of my bed.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
“Not really.”
“Come on, Alice. I thought you have learned to trust me,” she said. “I know something was going on. I could see it on your face. Something was bothering you.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I sat up on the bed and stared at her for a long moment.
“Is this about a boy?” she asked.
I sighed. “Boys.”
She was taken back a bit and then she couldn’t help grinning. “Sweetheart, half the girls your age would kill for a problem like yours.”
“Well, they’re welcome to take my place any day,” I said dryly.
Meredith smiled at me gently. “Tell me.”
I didn’t really know where to start except from the beginning. I told her about my new job, and how I walked those streets alone at nights. Then I told her about Chaise who was persistent from the beginning and how he stalked me as I walked home at nights. But he was doing it with very good intentions. He was making sure I got home safely.
Then I didn’t see the point of not being honest to Meredith about the potheads I encountered on the streets and how they could have had their way with me if Chaise didn’t come to my rescue. I saw her flinch but she didn’t interrupt my monologue. Then I told her how Chaise became a good friend after that and how he picked me up from work and took me home every night to make sure I was safe.
Finally, I told her that Hunter returned to school after a successful corneal transplant and how he was ignoring me all this time… hating me even. Then I told her how Hunter told me that I broke his heart because he thought I was with Chaise now and didn’t wait for him. Of course, I left out the part of making out with Hunter while we were left in the cabin by ourselves.
“I don’t know what to do, Mer,” I said in between tears. “Chaise had grown dear to me… but only as a friend. I owe him a lot for saving my life. But I couldn’t return his feelings.”
“Because of Hunter?”
I nodded. “It will always be Hunter.”
“But because Chaise was on your side like a diligent boyfriend, anybody would think that something was going on between the two of you. If anybody could assume that Chaise was your boyfriend, could you really blame Hunter for thinking that you chose to move on without him?”
I shook my head slowly. “I waited for him every day. I was able to survive all this time with a smile on my face and not worry about how difficult and lonely life was… because I was always looking forward to Hunter’s return… I was waiting every day for him to keep his promise to come back to me.”
“And he did. He came back for you. But when he did, he saw that there’s someone else already taking care of you. He thought he was too late. He must have been blaming himself for taking too long, but that was not his fault too. You were the reason why he chose to move on and live his life again… but when he came back, he found that Chaise was already doing the job that gave him a reason to undergo transplant in the first place.”
Meredith was right. I couldn’t blame Hunter for this. It was all a misconception. But if Hunter and I got back together, I would lose Chaise and his friendship. I would lose my guardian angel and I knew I would hurt his feelings beyond belief. I didn’t think he deserved that. But if I didn’t choose Hunter, then Hunter would continue hurting and he didn’t deserve that either.
I heaved a frustrated sigh. “Why does life and love have to be complicated? Why can’t I love without obstacles? Without getting hurt or hurting anyone else?”
Meredith smiled at me. “You have a big heart, Alice. It’s amazing how you always… always put the feelings of others around you before your own. And sometimes… that’s your problem. You never thought about yourself. You were never selfish. Because if you were… you would have gotten back together with Hunter last night, to hell with whoever got hurt in the process.”
“I want to love Hunter and be with him… without feeling bad or guilty about hurting Chaise’s feelings. Chaise is a good guy and has done a big deal for me by saving my life. Even though it’s inevitable that I break his heart, I don’t think I have the heart to do it,” I said sadly.
“Either way, you’re going to break the heart of one of them, Alice.” Meredith said. “You know whose heart you would rather break. But right now, it’s the heart of the boy you didn’t want to hurt that is breaking.”
“If I hurt Chaise, wouldn’t that mean I was ungrateful for the huge sacrifices he made for me? He risked his own life to save mine. It was bad enough when I couldn’t love him. But now it’s worse because I have to tell him that I’m choosing somebody else over him.”
“If Chaise really loves you… then he would set you free. He would be happy for you even if he was hurting. If Hunter deserves you… he would either set you free to fall in love with somebody who would love you more than him… or he would fight for you because he felt that nobody else would do a better job at protecting you but him.” Meredith smiled at me ruefully. “You have to be honest with Chaise, Alice. You have to tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t know that the guy you love was just around you all this time, then he won’t back down. If he kept on thinking that the guy you were in love with doesn’t give a damn about you anymore, he would do all he could to win you for himself. But if he realizes that he was in the way of your true happiness… he just might set you free.”
I thought about Chaise and all the good things that he did. I wanted to give him a chance… but I couldn’t. Because all that I was… and all the love that I could give in my heart, I had already given to Hunter.
“And you have to be honest with Hunter too.” Meredith continued. “He had to understand that when he left, there was another guy who took his place. Not in your heart. But that guy did a great job protecting you, nevertheless.”
When Meredith left me in my room, my head was clearer. Chaise had to know about Hunter, even if it hurt him. He just might back off and give Hunter and me a chance to continue our story. And if Hunter still wanted to be with me, he was free to come back to me. But if he didn’t want me anymore, then he couldn’t use Chaise as an excuse not to be with me.
I knew I couldn’t tell Hunter everything in a space of ten minutes, which was probably the amount of time he was willing to spare me if I asked to talk to him. Jealous Hunter could be irrational no matter how smart he was. But he had to know everything. From the day he left, until the day he returned.
It was time for him to read my diary… the diary that he made me promise to write since the day he left me with hopes that he would someday come back to me.
I stood up from my bed and took my bag. Even though I hadn’t written on it much since the day Hunter returned, I still brought my diary with me all the time.
I took out all contents of my bag. I scanned through my clothes, however, I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I turned my bag inside out just to be sure I didn’t just miss it.
I tried to remember where and when I had seen it last. And I distinctly remembered putting it in the bag before I went to the lake house. Then I remembered leaving it there, when I took a few pieces of clothes to change to before we went to the cabin. When we came back to the main house, I didn’t remember taking it out from my bag at all… I didn’t even remember seeing it or thinking about it. I was so preoccupied with my mess with Hunter and Chaise to think about anything else.
As I looked at the pile of stuff scattered on my bed, I realized in horror that it wasn’t there… Hunter’s diary was missing.